Peridot Fixes a Car
by GrahamToast
Summary: Peridot struggles with her life goals, relationships and loyalties as she gets involved with a crime investigation, war and Earth politics. The Gems are there to help her, but what part will "Siegfried", "Dragon", Lady Liberty and the mysterious entity known as Star Man play in her adventure?
1. Ask not what this planet can do for you

**Peridot fixes a car**

 **A Steven Universe fanfic**

"Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics will not take an interest in you." - Pericles

"Hahahaha! I get the joke now!" - Peridot

Disclaimer:

This story is based on Steven Universe (surprise!), a hit cartoon series created by Rebecca Sugar.

Rating is M for mature and/or suggestive themes and a small amount of foul language.

This is a tale full of contradictions and endless rambling, rich in provocation and mystery. Not all of the events in this story have come to pass. But they may. Be warned...

Note: Although there won't be excessive violence, extreme angst or nonsense like that, there's (hopefully) enough shenanigans that will take readers out of their comfort zones.

Enjoy the story!

* * *

 **Chapter 1:** Ask not what this planet can do for you...

"I might as well start somewhere, or I will never get this done," Peridot said to herself. She had already gone through all the necessary preparations. And true enough, a portion of the barn had been converted into an improvised automobile repair shop. Between two shelves full of tools, spare parts and manuals, the patient awaited silently.

"This is you now, Peridot. Once a war mechanic, now a car mechanic! Me, Peridot, _the_ Peridot, Homeworld's former number one kindergartener turned traitor, a castaway living on Earth. Here I stand, deprived of the company of the Homeworld gem elite and my limb enhancers..."

Peridot's thoughts were interrupted by a loud bang, a thud and a slightly annoyed oomph. It was the sound of Amethyst tripping on an empty jerry can. For a split second Peridot thought about admonishing her friend for the interruption, but then her thoughts turned to Amethyst's gem. Peridot spun around to see that Amethyst was already picking herself up from the floor, but it didn't mean that her gem was undamaged. "Amethyst! Are you ok? Your gem... is it...?"

"Oh, Peridot, I'm fine," Amethyst replied. "But what _is_ all this? You've turned the barn floor into a minefield? Hm, actually it's kind of cozy around here. What's this thing anyway?" she asked, holding the jerry can which had so horribly tripped her.

"It's what humans call a jerry can. I think it's named after its inventor. It usually holds gasoline. However, that one is just a prop," explained Peridot.

"What's the deal with that?" Amethyst asked.

Peridot crossed her arms and smiled, attempting to look like Superman. "Well, an auto repair shop needs to look believable. It needs to be well organized and tidy... but not too tidy. I can't have the barn looking like we're growing biodynamic food around here. Even if we are. But this isn't McDonalds! This is Peridot's Auto Repair Gourmet - Obsolete models our specialty!"

"Auto repair _shop_ , huh? Are you working on something right now, Periscope?" Amethyst inquired.

"You bet," came Peridot's reply. She turned and pointed at an enormous limousine behind her. "Observe! This vehicle is a technological masterpiece - by human standards, at least - the Flint Automotive Industry League 8001! A car fit even for the diamonds. Well, figuratively speaking, anyway. It takes you from Cape Verde to North Pole in half a week. It never breaks down... except this one. An impressive vehicle with an equally impressive owner. My task, as it is, is to find out exactly what..."

"Yeah, yeah, I'm sure that's fascinating," Amethyst interrupted. Peridot looked hurt - or was she faking? Amethyst couldn't tell, but decided to continue in a friendlier tone: "Just tell me what I can do to help you." After all, it was nice to find Peridot being helpful, not just to the Gems, but to the residents of Beach City. Amethyst assumed that the car belonged to Mayor Dewey. She hadn't noticed that the license plates gave away the fact that the car was registered to a different state.

Peridot was mollified by the offer. "Great! I'll let you know if... hmm. Can you dispose of waste oil? I want to be thorough, so I will perform an oil change, in addition to other repairs."

"Sure! I'll just dump it into the sea," said Amethyst with a straight face.

"Good, good! I shall just make one log entry... oh! I remembered what I forgot to do." Peridot quickly dashed inside the car and produced a plastic container, handing it to a confused Amethyst. "Take this to Lapis upstairs, and ask her to put it in the safe."

"You have a safe now?"

"Yes. Any valuables and personal effects that my customers might have accidentally left in their vehicles must be kept in a safe place." With that, Peridot started to fiddle with her iPad(tm) to make a log entry.

"Peridot, just so you know, I was kidding about dumping oil into the sea... I'll just drink it. As usual." Amethyst thought about adding 'thanks for caring about the environment' but decided against it. Sometimes, a good joke (or a bad one) was simply wasted on Peridot, especially if her mind was really occupied with something. There would be plenty of opportunities to get a funny reaction out of her (a practice also known as pranking or trolling) later.

Once Amethyst had gone, Peridot started recording:

"Log entry, 15th of June, 2016. Wait, scratch that. Director's log... captain's log... chief mechanic's log... no, no! Bah, I'll just re-record that part. I can edit it later. Clod's log, 15th of June, ah hah hah, he he! Clod! Ahem.

I am ready to begin my task of fixing an Earth automobile. Amethyst... my friend... hmm. My second best friend Amethyst has offered to help me. I am slightly unsure why it's so hard to begin. Am I nervous that I might break this vehicle in the process? Is it because of the unusual circumstances? Or is it just too sunny outside?

Am I taking an active role in Earth matters now? Am I developing future vision, similar to what Garnet has? She would probably advice against installing any kind of gem technology into this vehicle, so I guess have to fix it the Earth way.

Hm, I guess Steven and Lapis share the first place on my list of friends. Note to self: must think about that later.

It's good that I'm not working under an unforgiving deadline, like when I was building the anti-cluster geospace drill. I will have time for a proper test drive. Since I lack a driver's permit, I will stay away from the main roads. I'm glad I didn't mention this little detail to my first customer."

She paused the recording for a while, hesitating. "Well, why not?" she decided, and pressed the record button again.

"Ahem. I also have an interesting theory to test. I have observed the human called Greg lately. He sometimes sings when he's performing tasks that clearly don't offer him intellectual challenges. Are they rock songs? Perhaps they improve efficiency? Every gem knows that music, especially a song can be a powerful tool. Well, instead of rock songs, I wish try out gem songs.

I have decided that in order to minimize the risks, I will only sing during the least critical phases of my work. I shall stop if I make even the tiniest of mistakes. End log entry."

Peridot slid a vat under the car's engine and popped the hood. "Do. Re. Mi. Fa. Mu. Pi. Rho. Tau. Ga. Perfect!

She then began to recite a song that depicted the hard but rewarding life of Earth gem miners. The song conjured images of pick axes, endless dark tunnels illuminated by lanterns and torches, filled with glittering riches...

"Heigh ho, heigh ho, heigh ho, heigh ho heigh ho heigh ho... la-dee-dah, we dig up pearls, by the score... a thousand clods, maybe more... oh, rats... Earth pearls don't grow in mines. Bah! This isn't exactly a ticket to Nashville, wherever that is."

Peridot gave a sigh. "By the stars, this is difficult. Hey, there's an idea! I know most of the lyrics to The Star-Spangled Banner! One, two, one two three four. _Oh say, can you see..._ "

Meanwhile, on the upper floor of the barn, Amethyst looked around. She spotted the safe under a table, and resisted the urge to try to open it herself. Lapis Lazuli, the water princess was nowhere to be seen. It figured: as Peridot and Lapis had tapped into Greg Universe's bank account, they had all but completely rebuilt the barn. As a result, it stood bigger and stronger than ever before.

The meep morps that Lapis and Peridot had proudly showed to Amethyst and Steven were rearranged... and oh! There, next to a hole in the wall was a new one! It was statue of a monkey, holding a spyglass.

"Now what do we have here?" thought Amethyst. "Hmm, there's a plaque on the base of the statue. What does it say? _Big Sister is watching you! Aren't you happy?!_ Aww, that's so sweet! Oh, wait, there's more. _Made by Peridot..._ yadda yadda yadda... _please do not move spyglass without permission... press the button to make the monkey scratch its back._ Oh, it's one of those interactive meep morps, just like 'Make Abe pick his nose' statue. Cool! But what might Peridot be spying with this thing?"

Curious, Amethyst gazed through the spyglass. It was only then she noticed that the spyglass had been pointed at the top of the grain silo... and on the roof of the silo, Lapis Lazuli was working on her tan. "Well, this monkey definitely SEES things all right," laughed Amethyst. "Does it also DO things? Let's find out." She pressed the button, but unknowingly she also twisted it. As expected, the monkey scratched its back with its mechanic arm. The eyes of the monkey, however, lit up. "What the..." said Amethyst, as the powerful signal lights hidden inside the monkey's head started blinking. If the series of blinks were written into a Morse code, it would be something like this:

... - -. . -.- / .. / .- - / ... - - .

From her roof, Lapis saw the blinking lights. She got up, sprouted wings and flew to the barn. Still airborne, she started to swoop at the gem she thought was her barn mate. "Oh, Peri, have you... oh, it's you Amethyst!" She made a perfect two point landing, and continued: "Looks like you test fired the 'I-want-attention-o-matic.' What brings you here?"

Amethyst, still puzzled by the meep morp monkey, replied: "Uh, hi Lazuli... I... oh, right. Peridot sent this container for you to put into the safe. Said it contains stuff that belongs to one of her customers. Well, her first customer, actually." She handed the container to Lapis.

"She must still be working then," said Lapis. Amethyst nodded. "Funny... I thought she would have completed her work by now. But I guess it figures. It is her first repair job on a human vehicle."

Amethyst noticed that Lapis smiled a little. "Well, the green bean bag sure has earned a lot respect from me, getting her hands dirty! I mean, I get my hands dirty all the time, but it's usually because of my hobbies. And my real job. You see, I'm a food critic!" Amethyst laughed at her own joke. "Just don't tell Peridot I praised her. Can't have her getting a big head just yet, you know?"

Lapis nodded and snickered. "Ok, but I don't see how she could get an even bigger head."

"Oh, speaking of food, I promised I'd take care of something. Don't leave, I wanna catch up with you on stuff and things. Be right back!"

With that, Amethyst ran downstairs. After a while, she returned, holding a 1.5 liter (0.396258 gallon) Coke bottle in her hand. It was full of waste oil. "This is Amethyst, keeping it classy! Wanna try some of this? There's plenty more downstairs" she asked Lapis.

"No thanks, I'm fine," Lapis replied.

"Well, bottoms up! Glu. Glu. Not bad, not bad at all..." Unusually, Amethyst hadn't emptied the whole bottle. Instead, she had taken a couple of gulps, and was now imitating a famous wine critic she had seen on TV. "Clearly this oil has been drilled at the Navarro Oil Company rig #2..." She took another sip. "Strange. There's definitely an aftertaste... maybe, maybe it's the Golden Sands oil field, '90 yield. It has obviously been refined at the plant which that Hollywood actor owns... or was it his brother? Well, no matter. I wonder if they put some booze in this."

"You can tell all that just by tasting? My, what a Sherlock Holmes you are," Lapis complimented.

"Yep, that's me, Amethyst the awesome. Now then... has asked you to join the wonderful world of blue collar work?"

"Not really... but oh! Good thing you reminded me. She asked me to create her a business card. So... I guess that's not exactly a blue collar task."

"A business card, eh? Any cool ideas?" asked Amethyst.

"No... But I think I saw a business card in the customer's belongings. I think I'll take a look."

"You sure she's okay with that?"

"Don't worry, business cards are meant to be looked at. They apparently make humans and their businesses seem important, even though the really good ones thrive perfectly without cards. I guess trading them is a human tradition." Lapis opened the safe and started searching through the container. "Ah, here's one! Yes... the design is simple and kind of stylish. What do you think, Amethyst?" she asked, handing the card to Amethyst. "If I just design a cool logo for dear Peridot... Amethyst, what's wrong?"

Amethyst looked at the card, then at Lapis, then at the card again. "Stay calm, girl," she thought to herself. Aloud she said: "I, uh, I think I shouldn't have downed all that oil after all... it doesn't seem to sit well with me." Technically, Amethyst was telling the truth. She WAS feeling ill. Handing the card back to Lapis, she said: "I think I'll just take the oil to a waste disposal facility. I'll feel better once I get some fresh air..."

"Are you sure you're ok? Should I carry you to the warp pad?" asked Lapis.

"I'm fine, but I think I'll avoid the warp pad. It's not a good idea to warp with an upset stomach. Trust me, I know. Sorry for running off like this. I'll see you guys later, ok?"

"Very well, then" Lapis sighed. "I could give you a lift, you know."

"No, thanks, but... I think I'll just enjoy some fresh air. With my feet on the ground, that is. I'll manage, really," Amethyst assured. "See you later, Cardiff City Bluebird!"

"Later, Orlando Laker!"

Hiking towards Beach City, Amethyst forced herself to calm down. She had learned that there were occasions when a gem warrior shouldn't jump headfirst into action. "Allright. You gotta be a little less like Sugilite, and little more like... Sherlock Holmes now. Or maybe Opal. This isn't only about me. Maybe it's not about me at all, and I can't cause trouble to Peridot now. Can't jump into conclusions. Can't make assumptions on HOW THAT BUSINESS CARD GOT THERE! HMPH!" She kicked a rock and sent it flying towards the sky. "Sorry, rock, but I'm a bit mad right now! What the... oh no, no, no, WATCH OUT!" Amethyst shouted with such force that even a krayt dragon would have panicked, for the deadly projectile was now flying towards a young boy and a girl who were walking towards her.

Time seemed to slow down for Amethyst. The rock that was about to hit the boy was stopped by... a shield? The shield deflected the rock directly upwards, and when it came down, it was easily caught by the girl. The shield disappeared. The girl tossed the rock on the side of the road. Amethyst stared at the humans. They stared back.

"Skills!" said Steven and Connie together, beaming with pride.

With tears in her eyes, Amethyst ran up to Steven and Connie. Falling to her knees, she hugged the children and started apologizing. "Steven, Connie, I am so sorry! I should have been more careful... if something happened to you..."

"Hey, Amethyst, we're ok. But why did you kick that rock? We could see that you were being upset about something."

Amethyst knew that it would be useless to come up with an excuse. It would be wrong, too, especially in this case. "Allright, then... um, are you on a picnic together?"

"No, we're trying to find civil war era relics with a metal detector," Connie said. "What about you?"

"I have enough junk in my room already. I'll tell you everything, but we need to stop by the temple real quick. We might have some planning to do."

"Planning? How come this sounds like a mission of some kind?" Steven asked.

"It just might be just that. A really heavy one," Amethyst replied, starting to get her smile back. "Part of me hopes that it isn't... but the other part is hoping that it is!"

* * *

Back at the barn, Peridot pressed the record button again and spoke to the tape recorder:

"Peridot's log, supplemental:

Saving this planet has cost me. But one day, I will be collecting what is mine.

My eventual goal must be the creation of a new set of limb enhancers. That will allow me to... um. Ahem.

I, Peridot, will stand tall and magnificent once again, and woe be those who stand in my way! Just like Sindri before me, I shall fashion weapons fit for the gods, or even for a Peridot!"

* * *

Author's notes, supplemental:

Oh my! What's up with Amethyst? Is it the oil? What will she tell Steven and Connie? Tune in for really obscure clues, same Bat-time, same Bat-channel!

Feel free to SKIP the following wall of text. It's just some misc. stuff that didn't fit in the disclaimer.

This story takes place just before the evil little ice fairy and the Ivan Drago twins are sent to Beach City for their little shopping trip. Also, just like in the cartoon, there will be some amount of romantic fluff, not much, but if you want a story that focuses on that, make good use of those filters to find out what you're looking for.

In the show, there's more to the bad guys than pure malice. And for all the good that Rose Quartz did, her actions didn't come without some bad consequences, which Steven has to deal with. Things are often more complex than what they seem to be, and that's what I like about Steven Universe.

This fanfic started out as merely an attempt at parody, or at least a series of cheap jokes tied together with minimal amount of plot, with plenty of cultural and historical references thrown in. Don't be surprised to see people like Conan O'Brien make a guest appearance. Maybe there's an actual story, too.

Special thanks go to everyone created and spamm... shared SU artwork and fanfics around the internet - without you, I would never have watched the show.


	2. Angry angel

**Chapter 2:** Angry angel

Addendum to disclaimer: This chapter and the whole story is not only M for Mature but also P for Political. Or is it Protest, Praise or Preaching? At least there will be some attempt at genuine Parody.

Maybe I should have named the story "Dragon (or Ozymandias) Returns," but I'm pretty sure that's an actual existing airport literature title.

* * *

It is said that every great story has a beginning. So do bad, drawn out and clichéd stories. Judge you now, whether or not Star Wars is a great story in any way. It sure isn't an original story in any way. _Pot, meet kettle._ Ahem. Let's get back to this one:

It was 14th of June, 2016, a day before Peridot started her little shop of auto repairs.

That day was perfect for outdoor activities... or playing video games in a darkened room if you were a video game addict. There would be no pesky lightning storms that could cause power outages or worse.

In any case, Peridot and the rest of the gems had decided to go shopping. Peridot had insisted on visiting one of Beach City's stores that sold smart phones and smart phone accessories you just couldn't live without.

Peridot reached for a smartphone she had noticed, earning a worried look from Pearl. "This will do," thought Peridot aloud, inspecting the device she had grabbed.

"Garnet, Peridot is about to..." Pearl said.

"I know," Garnet replied. "But let's just observe for now. Don't worry, I won't allow her to get into trouble."

Peridot put the phone in her bag. She had already spent her monthly allowance money on expensive Hawaiian shirts. "Allright, I have what I came in here for. Let's go find the rest of... uh, Garnet?" she said, noticing that Garnet was blocking her path.

"Peridot, haven't you forgotten something?" Garnet asked.

"Like what?"

"Didn't we already have this conversation? You just can't go around taking things that don't belong to you. You have to pay for it, or you are guilty of theft."

Disappointed, Peridot put the phone back onto the shelf. "Fine... but if it wasn't for me (and Steven), ALL THESE SMART PHONES WOULDN'T EVEN EXIST! They would be space dust, along with Beach City, the highly illegal wrestling arena, Seattle, New York and the Statue of Liberace... I mean, Liberty! You can't deny it, can you? No, you can't! I won't..."

Garnet knelt down, placing her hand on Peridot's shoulder. "Peridot, listen. This planet isn't ready to acknowledge the fact that you saved it. I know you understand this. But don't you ever think that we aren't grateful to you. You have been very brave."

"But... eh, I, uh... what?" Peridot stammered. She had expected Garnet to be angry, or at least annoyed. Instead she was... complimenting her? "You mean, these primitive people are not ready to understand my greatness, sacrifices and selfless good deeds?"

"Something like that," Garnet replied. "Besides, the cluster is still a potential threat, at least once... uh, well, we may have to find out how to deal with it eventually. But what would happen to _you_ , if Earth found out about what you have accomplished? What would happen if you became the center of such attention?"

Peridot thought about this for a while. Coming to a conclusion, she shrugged. "Oh, I would probably go on a talk show tour around the planet for the next 8 to 800 years. TV is full of photogenic people like me, after all."

"No, Peridot, that's not what would..." Pearl began, but Garnet signaled her to shush.

Turning to face Peridot, she said: "You're right. You would go on a worldwide tour. But we would all miss you very much. I would miss you. Steven would miss you. And more than anyone else..."

"GARNET! Not another word!" Pearl blurted out.

Garnet looked at Pearl with a smile that said 'I wasn't going to say anything.'

"I mean, I think she understands that Sardonyx... I mean, Opal... I mean, Lapis Lazuli would miss her very much. You don't need to say it out aloud!" Pearl explained.

"Fine, I get the picture already," Peridot said, trying to act like she was unaffected by anything that resembled flattery. Rubbing her chin, she added: "I'll just go ask Greg for some extra currency. I'm not going to return these Hawaiian tea shirts if I don't have to. But I must have a replacement for my old data storing/processing & long range communicator device before the year of the Rooster begins." With that, she walked towards the exit.

"Remember that a good deed is often its own reward!" Garnet called out after her.

"Year of the Rooster? What did she mean by that?" Pearl wondered.

"I think she's looking to start some kind of business deal with the Chinese government. Or their military," Garnet said. "They are keen on investing in know-how."

"Maybe. Or maybe she's looking to buy electrical components. I overheard her talking to herself earlier. She was lamenting the loss of her limb enhancers again. So, maybe she's planning on constructing a new set for herself. What harm could that cause?"

Pearl and Garnet looked at each other. "We are definitely going to have a civil discussion with her later," they said in unison.

Not far from the smart phone department, Steven and Lapis were browsing DVD boxes. "So, Lapis, here's where humanity displays its brightest cultural achievements! If you're looking for a gift for Peridot, this is the place."

Lapis couldn't help smiling a little. "Well, thanks for helping me out. What would you recommend for someone who is sick and tired of Camp Pining Hearts?"

"Here, take a look at this! This series is called 'Uber Drivers of Love'. It's kind of a spiritual successor to Camp Pining Hearts... uh, wait, what? Did you say Peridot is tired of Camp Pining Hearts?!"

"I didn't," Lapis replied. " _I'm_ tired of it. Maybe Peridot is too, but she won't admit it. I think that watching a series 500 times in a row tends to eliminate most of the suspense and emotional impact. And with each marathon, Peridot keeps getting more and more frustrated. That's how it seems, anyway." Lapis sighed and crossed her arms. Imitating Peridot, she spoke: "Pierre this and Percy that. Why don't they do this, why do they do that! So maybe..."

"...maybe it would do her good to watch something else instead!" finished Steven excitedly. "Or maybe we could buy her a book!"

"Book? For Peridot? Heh. I don't think so. All she reads is TV guides, engineering magazines and... I'm not sure if I want to know what she reads on the internet - she seems to get lost in Earth pop culture, absorbing everything. But I know that she wants her dose of fiction in a digital format," Lapis explained.

"Aww, don't shoot down ideas like that, Lapis. It doesn't have to be a fiction book. We can get her both a dad box and a nonfiction book! What do you say?" Steven asked. Lapis nodded.

They ended up buying two DVD box sets. One of them was the Jerry Seinfeld collection. The other was a rare collector's edition of the Walking Dead (only 5 million boxes made). Each came with autographs of the main cast. Had Amethyst been around (she was making table reservations at McDonald's), she would have pointed out that writing an autograph 5 million times is enough to make anyone a zombie.

With his wallet weighing already several hundreds of dollars less, Steven took Lapis by her hand. "Come on, Lapis, the book department is just over there!" he said.

"Lead the way!"

...

\- 2 minutés latér -

...

"Steven, I'm not sure I approve of this particular book," said Lapis, looking worried. "I already know enough of recent Earth history and culture to tell that this isn't fiction, at least when it comes to the genre. Why would Peridot be interested in a book full of introspective half truths that only rich humans write?"

"But Lapis, you can't judge a book by its cover! This just might help her understand humans and Earth better... I mean, you have to know about both the good and the bad stuff, right? And Connie said that there are some hidden gems of insight in this book which might help Peridot in coming to terms with everything that's happened to her," Steven argued.

Lapis knew that Peridot still occasionally went through moments of self doubt and anxiety over her defection to the Crystal Gems' side. If a book could help her...

"Very well, Steven. Here, let me pay for it," said Lapis, summoning some cash. "By the way, I'm not surprised that it was Connie who recommended this book. Did she stumble upon it at school, or has she developed an... interest in this stuff?"

"To tell you the truth, I don't know," Steven said. Now it was he that looked worried. "I mean, she is doing research for some kind of school project that kind of relates to this book... but... oh, I'm sure it's nothing. Come on, let's head to the counter."

Lapis thought about questioning Steven further, but decided against it. She took one more look at the book. "Hmm... _Born this way, gone that way: History of fame and infamy through the decades,_ written by Gaga, Lady. I think I'll read it myself before just handing it to Peridot," thought Lapis. And she would definitely unbox the adventures of Jerry Seinfeld first. If Jerry's adventures wouldn't freak them out, then maybe they could watch the Walking Dead, too.

Meanwhile, Peridot was trekking through the urban wasteland towards Greg Universe's Car Wash and Money Laundering, Inc. It was early midday. The sun was shining and the occasional curious seagull would circle over Peridot before setting a navpoint to the beach.

Peridot had found out that she was definitely an evening gem. Or even a night gem. It wasn't that she disliked sunny days, but the mornings made her feel as if she was a hollow being. It was as if she lacked purpose, motivation and the drive that hard working peridots had. As the sun began to set, her self confidence was usually somehow boosted back to normal level and she could work with joy and excitement again, whether she was doing research or merely fixing the television.

It hadn't been always like that for her. Had Earth, full of beauty and confusion, gotten to her? Or was it the Homeworld? As long as Peridot could remember, she had worked and lived in brightly lit conditions. Peridot had known that her hard work would serve Homeworld, but now she associated light with constant demands of efficiency and complete obedience, with no room for real creativity or mistakes.

Now, it was the darkness that set her free to pursue her own goals and interests. Deep down she believed that the same darkness would protect her from the watchful eye of the Diamond Authority. The sun offered no such comfort.

And then there was Lapis Lazuli. Just how much would she miss Peridot? Would she even watch the talk shows Peridot would appear on?

Having removed herself from the presence of the gems and Steven, all these familiar doubts once again began creeping into her mind. "Not now! This was day was supposed to be without these... complications!" Peridot thought. "But wait! I could always go visit _him_. Yes! If Earth gives me the blues, it can also give me some red. And green. And the better shade of blue, hmmm. I believe I shall make a detour."

After a while, she came upon an abandoned concrete building. "Now, where is he... It's been a while since I've been here. Ah, I recognize this dented street light. Traffic regulations, schmaffic regulations, as they say. But he should be just around the corner..."

Peridot found the concrete wall she had sought. Earlier that year, a great spiritual leader of Earth had passed away, but somehow he was still among those who had followed him. For a human, he had been an extraordinary being, and Peridot suspected that he was actually a half gem, half human.

One of his loyal followers had painted a beautiful mural depicting his face on the wall. There, during all those months, he had watched silently and greeted every pilgrim who would come to see him. It was said that when his eyes met yours, he could see all your sorrows and secrets. He was looking at _you,_ acknowledging your presence, never blinking, never turning away. His stare was intense, but there was no threats or judgement in those eyes.

The man was David Bowie. _The Star Man._

But much to Peridot's shock, the beautiful work of art which had given Peridot comfort and peace of mind was now covered with some kind of advertisements.

"AUUUGH!" she cried. "No, no, NO, NO, NO! Who is responsible for this! Who is the miserable clod responsible for defiling the holy shrine of the Star Man?" She then alternated between making angry screams and coming up with nasty words and threats, which included, but were not limited to: "Iconoclasts... I will unbubble the cluster for sure... let's see you mess with Star Man THEN... the wrath of Brahma shall strike down the wrongdoers... vandals... you broke my record, now I break you... savages... I will not wrestle with the pigs who are responsible, instead I will cook them... clods, clods, clods... arrgh!"

Eventually, the rant was over. Having gotten her anger under control, Peridot reached inside her bag. "Now then, Peridot, what are you going to do about this? Analyze the problem. Form a temporary solution. Activate appropriate mechanisms. Gain time and insight for a permanent solution. And then, it's ring-a-ding-ding-ding, baby! But first things first." In her hand, she held a black magic marker. "It is said that the pen is mightier than the sword. Now that's another theory that needs testing!"

There were exactly 50 earthling advertisements covering the face of the Star Man. Each had a picture of a woman, accompanied by some kind of motto: "Let's build bridges instead of walls. Peace and justice for all."

Peridot deduced that the woman was either some kind of architect or a peace negotiator. Being a rational gem that never overreacted, Peridot wasn't angry directly at her. It would be too easy to blame her for some summer worker's lack of professionalism and/or respect. Laughing fiendishly, Peridot gave the woman Charlie Chaplin's hair and moustache. She struck over the motto text and wrote 'MY OTHER SON IS A TERRORIST' under it on a whim.

It took a good chunk of time for Peridot to deface all the advertisements. By the time she was finished, the magic marker was running on fumes only. She wouldn't be giving autographs that day (Peridot hadn't realized that true fans carried their own pens).

The Crystal Gems ( _clods!_ ) would surely complain if they learned what Peridot had done, but quite frankly, she didn't give a damn.

* * *

A/N: I bet you all see it coming. Everyone can see it, I just know it. Contrary to the popular belief, the ride will eventually stop, but not before picking up some speed first!

I wonder if I should have named this fic as "The Ever bloating Story". That's what it is.

I actually have many chapters already "complete", but you can always spend an infinite amount on editing. Believe it!


	3. Hope you guess my name!

**Chapter 3:** Hope you guess my name!

Kudos to the Rolling Stones for giving inspiration for the chapter title. Spotting other such references is up to the honorable readers. If you think something is a reference, it probably is!

-o-

" _You can go home, courier_ " - graffiti found e.g. at the canyon wreckage in the Mojave Desert

"There's nothing for you here!" - Tubbs and Edward, Royston Vasey residents

-o-

The problem with the Germans is that they don't have the word for "Uber". This hilarious joke is copypasted here word by word from the depths of the internet, but the original source has so far eluded historians. Today, the word Uber stands for the controversial online transport company.

The word uber - originating from "Über" with an umlaut - has been culturally re-appropriated from its previous occupation as a prefix to the word "Mensch", which is "man" or "human" in German. When Uber and Mensch fuse, they form Ubermensch, which means Superman... or Superhuman. The implication is that there exists a race of Übermensche, while all other races are inferior. This term saw widespread use in Germany during the roaring '40s.

A less known bit of historic trivia is the meaning of the term "Übersoldat", which is not only a fusion of Über and Soldat (soldier), but also a literal fusion of man and machine. These super soldiers saw little use in the actual battlefields of the Second World War, thanks to the efforts of B.J. Blazkowicz, the top commando of Allied forces. He effectively sabotaged the Nazi Übersoldat program, destroying most of the prototypes and serial production models himself.

With her limb enhancers, Peridot the Homeworld gem had been a fusion of _gem_ and machine. Despite the joy she had felt from discovering her powers of ferrokinesis, she did miss her enhancers.

Peridot had immersed herself in Earth history (or was it popular culture?), but she wasn't aware of the term _Uber_ , nor did she know anything about Earth super soldiers. She would have no doubt found the subject very fascinating and spent most of her time studying it.

"Why can't this planet be more predictable? Just out of the blue something like this happens. If the Star Man isn't safe from vandalism, then who is? I wish I had my enhancers with me now. I would make things right. I could do almost anything with them! I could climb the highest mountain, I could fly and touch the stars... I would build a new temple in the skies. For Him and Peridots only! If only..."

Somewhere in Beach City, the sirens of an ambulance whined. Peridot awoke from her thoughts. She observed her stone wall - _his_ wall - and sighed. The rush she had gained from her own act of vandalism was wearing off. With a heavy heart (well, sort of), she turned around and started walking in the general direction of Greg's Mouthwash.

Suddenly, she was startled by an automobile that was approaching her with high velocity. The car was emitting lots of smoke, which was normal. But the smoke came from the engine, which was not. It was by sheer luck that the driver saw Peridot in time. He slammed the brakes and tried to turn the wheel just enough to avoid hitting Peridot. "Toot! Vroom! Screech!" said the car, eventually coming to a halt.

"Eeep! Ow!" commented Peridot, making a Hollywood action roll to evade the car. Better safe than sorry! She landed face first on the sidewalk, though.

As Peridot looked around, the world suddenly looked very different to her. Despite being physically unhurt, the recent rollercoaster of emotions had been too much for her. Or was some sinister force at work? Peridot's vision started to blur. Things didn't _sound_ normal, either. Something was off with her aural and optic sensors (ears and vision spheres).

Two human forms exited the car. The passenger waved his hands, praising the driver's skill... or was he criticising? "You almost ran her over, amateur!" the passenger said with a clear voice. Well, with some kind of voice, anyway. To Peridot it sounded like "&¤#=)/=#/fwoosh?#/=, ampersand!"

"But sir, she came from nowhere!" the driver defended himself.

"Funny," thought Peridot. "Their features and colors are leaking into every direction! And look at all these bats... Go away! Shoo! Shoo!"

The passenger was having none of the driver's explanations, and pointed his finger towards where he thought downtown Beach City would be. In fact, he said: "I saw a service station a couple of blocks away. Go get help!"

"But what if they don't have a towing vehicle?"

"Are you telling me that I made a mistake in hiring you? Use your brain! Of course you'll call a taxi then... or better yet: talk to the manager. Tell him that J.J. Abrams needs a car. If that doesn't work, tell him that frigging Schwarzenegger needs a car, pronto! Hasta la vista! Get the manager's car, or his grandmother's car, I don't care, just get moving! Move it, move it, mooove it..." Having successfully motivated the driver into action, the man thought about the young miss that almost got ran over by his extravagant limousine. He quickly spotted Peridot.

"Hello? Are you ok?" the man called out to her. Peridot, still stunned, didn't answer. The man got closer and asked another question. Peridot smiled, not knowing why.

"Miss? Hey, what's that thing in your nose?" the man asked.

Peridot tried to focus. "Mmmhuh?" was her elegant response.

"READ MY LIPS... WHAT'S IN YOUR NOSE? IN YOUR SCENT SPONGE?"

Gathering all her remaining wits, Peridot felt her scent sponge... and pulled out her magic marker. That damn pen had lost its cap and lodged itself in Peridot's nose as she made her action roll. The magic marker had still been emitting poisonous fumes, which she had been inhaling.

Just like the General Surgeon's warning says, huffing magic marker fumes is bad for your brain. Your brain will turn into an omelette. Any questions? Funny thing that the fumes are more dangerous to gems than humans. (Source: a crossword puzzle solution, published in The American Journal of the Medical Sciences)

Feeling better, Peridot exclaimed: "You... spoke my language? Thank the stars that someone actually spoke my language!"

The man, obviously a retired drill sergeant or a professional wrestling referee, laughed out of amusement and relief. "Your language, you say? Oh, I know that feeling all right."

"Well, I'm glad I didn't get poofed. And thank you for saving me from embarrassment," Peridot said. A gem high on magic marker fumes could act in an unpredictable and inappropriate manner. Not that she knew anything about that. Looking at the car, she asked: "What happened? Did the vehicle malfunction? Or was it the driver?"

"Both malfunctioned," the man said. "Some warning lights flared up, and I know better than to ignore them. The smoke is another warning signal, ha, ha! I sent my driver to get help. Hm, I should have just gotten an uber driver. Anyway, I'm traveling incontinento... I mean, incognito."

Peridot didn't understand such fancy words. She mostly understood her own fancy words. She made a mental note to bother Pearl about them. It would be funnier than by looking them up from Wiktionary or the Urban Dictionary.

The old dude continued, "A limousine is an uncommon sight in a hick town like this, sure... but the buzzards have been tricked elsewhere, heh, heh! Me, I have a talk show appearance at the BC11 studios here in a couple of days. I don't normally do that kind of stuff, but I, uh... I made a promise to a friend, and I keep my promises. So, I need my humble little limo here fixed. Do you know if there's a... should we say, a respectable auto repair shop nearby?"

"How does one know if it's a respectable shop?"

"Now that's a good question! It's respectable if they work hard and speak our language," the man said, giving Peridot a wink.

Well, there was a chance to do a good deed!

"Say no more, say no more!" said Peridot. "It just so happens that I am an expert in this field of work - I am the owner and (very) recent founder of such facility. The name is Peridot, uh... Peridot Crystal, of... um, Crystal Automotive Solutions, at your service! Just bring your car to... uh... my iPad!"

"Bring my car to your eye pad?" asked the man. "Is that some kind of Beach City slang?"

"No! My iPad... the map application!" Peridot looked around and retrieved her bag which she had dropped. She was happy to find that her iPad wasn't broken. Tough piece of hardware, it was. Since Peridot hadn't expected to be nearly run over by a fancy limousine, she hadn't attempted storing the iPad inside her gem. Peridot hadn't quite mastered the storing technique, and storing an electrical device took concentration so she wouldn't accidentally corrupt some of the important folders, which may or may not have contained artistic photos of Lapis Lazuli.

"Look, this is my iPad. Do you have one?" she asked.

"Wait a sec. I have a much smaller one," the man said, taking his smart iPhone out of his pocket.

"Wow. I wish I had one too," mumbled Peridot under her breath. Aloud she said: "Let me mark the location of the most advanced and responsible auto repair shop in Beach City on your map!"

"I'll just fire Google Cities up... there you go," the man said, handing his phone to Peridot.

"Allright. Let's see... Beach City area, scroll scroll scroll, zoom in, zoom in... There. Boop! And I'll just add my contact information there, beep! Here's your phone, Mr... Uh, what's your name?" asked Peridot.

"Heh, heh, are you saying that you don't recognize me? Ever watch TV?" asked the man, amused.

Peridot thought about this. "Of course I do! I'm not one of those clods who say that they don't watch TV. You definitely look kind of familiar... statuesque, I would say. Abraham Lincoln?"

The man chuckled. "No, and I hope I don't look like him! I'd rather be mistaken for Ronald Reagan."

"Ronald ray gun? I didn't know humans could have such impressive names!"

"Well, he was an impressive man. Come on, make another guess."

"John F. Kennedy?"

"Nope."

"Fitzgerald Grant III? No? Well, how about... Norman Schwarzkopf?"

"No, but you're getting a little warmer."

Peridot wouldn't admit it, but to her, all humans sometimes looked the same. "Kareem Abdul Jabbar?"

"Close enough! That guy knows how to fight. My name is Donald J. Trump! Just look at this business card here," said Donald J. Trump, the presidential candidate of the Republican Party. "Keep the card. I have a spare deck of them!"

Donald J. Trump. The name _definitely_ rang a bell. Trump Casino, Trump Tower, Trump's Apprentice Board Game... and ding! The man was the founder of the legendary Trump's Ice Cream business! Ice Cream that won't melt!

"Nice to meet you!" said Trump, neglecting to ask Peridot's name. After all, leprechauns probably didn't have names. "Don't start going around gabbing that I'm visiting, though. It would spoil the surprise! Hm, I better make sure the vultures aren't closing in on me, not before... Hey, what kind of modern art display is THAT?" he asked, pointing at the advertisements that had cruelly assaulted the Star Man.

"Oh. That. It's nothing," said Peridot sadly.

"I want to see it," said Trump and stepped closer to inspect the wall. "Well look at that! It looks like somebody has vandalized Hillary Clinton's campaign posters. I would recognize her face even in the middle of a desert, especially now that she's wearing Charlie Chaplin's hair and moustache. Say, you wouldn't happen to know anything about them?"

"IT WAS ME! I DID IT!" Peridot confessed. "I'm sorry, but her posters themselves are the real vandalism!"

"Whoa there, not another word. At least don't apologize! I'm sure you did what had to be done. But this might give people the wrong impression of _her_. You see, Charlie Chaplin is really popular here in America these days. That is to say, he's no longer considered a communist. Whaddya say we take these posters down?"

Peridot gave a sigh. "We might as well do that. But the Star Man underneath is already ruined."

Donald Trumped was confused. "Star Man? Ohhh... you mean Star Man! I think he's great. Why don't you get some local artist to restore him?"

"Artist? It's no good if I can't find the original artist," said Peridot. "It wouldn't look the same if someone else did it."

Trump examined the wall more closely. Lower part of the painting was peeking out, and in the right corner were the initials V.J. "Look at that! Those are the artist's initials. Why don't you ask Beach City's art circles or rectangles who this mysterious Vee is and hire him?"

Peridot's face lit up. She lifted her arms towards the sky and exclaimed: "Hey! I know this V artist! I know who _she_ is! She's a friend of my friend! She'll help me!"

"See? That's how things work in this land. You gotta have connections," Trump said. He started carefully removing the posters. "I'll pay for the commission - any price at all. As long as it's a reasonable price. Also, I'll have a talk with the mayor of this town. We'll get the UNESCO proclaim this place as an official World Heritage landmark. Nobody will be sticking posters here ever again, especially not these old school corrupt politicians like Mrs. Clinton here. Democrats, hmph! Who could ever trust them?"

"Wait, WHAT? She's corrupt? As in _corrupted_?" Peridot shouted. "How come she isn't poofed and bubbled already?!"

"That has to be Beach City slang I'm not exactly familiar with," thought Trump, but judging from Peridot's reaction, he understood that poofing and bubbling probably meant detaining and imprisoning or something much more permanent. Picking his words carefully, he replied: "Now that is another good question. It's the corrupt laws and administration of this country that protect her. I would gladly see her, uh, bubbled, but first I have to win the presidential election. Then, with the help of the people, I shall sweep Washington DC with the broom of democracy, and rid our country of corruption!"

"Wow, this is so cool! I didn't know humans fought against corruption with such determination. I have caught corrupted gems myself (even though my friends helped a bit). We fight corruption all the time here in Beach City," Peridot bragged.

"Really? I might have use for you in my campaign. Tell you what: if you fix my car, I'm hiring you as a member of my campaign staff. Nothing too difficult, just some blogging and things like that. Do you know anything about politics?"

"Poly-ticks? Insects that feed on human blood?" asked Peridot.

"Yeah, that's exactly what it is about. I couldn't have said it better myself," Trump admitted. "But together, we can change all that! I just need one more thing and I'll be in the White House for the next 4 years. Hm, make it 8... I just need a dragon, and I'll be set."

So, dragons _do_ exist, thought Peridot. There was so much she didn't know about Earth, it seemed. "Why do you need a dragon? Do you need to roast someone?"

"Ha, ha, ha! I can do that myself. No, I need the dragon because they have something that a normal sentient being doesn't have. They are exotic, age old but not weary. They have absorbed tons of knowledge and wisdom during their lives. And knowledge, as they say, is power. Let us shake hands!"

Peridot shook her hands in the air WITHOUT grabbing Trump's hand first. It looked like as if she was imitating an emu with delusions of grandeur.

"No, no, you're supposed to take my hand and then shake it. You can judge a man's character by his handshake, you know. I see you don't know about some of our customs, eh?" Trump asked.

"I guess that's true, but I'm learning something new every day. My human friends, Steven and Connie have already taught me so much," Peridot explained.

"You know what? I respect that. You know what they say: 'When in Rome... uh, _ave!'_ So, just to be sure: your employees - do they speak American?"

Peridot rubbed her chin. Lapis was still probably spending time with the Gems, and Peridot didn't have the heart (well, duh) to demand that Lapis would be there to receive Mr. Trump's car.

"Ahem. Let me explain. My customer base is very exclusive, and they value their privacy. Not only do I provide repairs, but also anonymity and security. Why, my business is disguised as a humble barn to keep the _paparoachi_ away! All this translates into... uh, in a town this small..."

"Would you get to the point already? I do value privacy and so on. But I'm not going to leave my car in some woodworm infested barn completely unguarded. What if some kid decides to play Grand Theft Auto in real life?"

"Two words: armed and dangerous airborne hi-tech security drones. I'll simply remotely input your car's license plate number into the drones' databanks. The drones which will assume a defensive formation around your property," Peridot explained. She fiddled with her iPad and showed it to Trump.

"You are now seeing camera feed from drone #2. I call her Brigit, by the way. Down below is my workshop. And there, you can see other drones on a scheduled patrol. Finally, in the event of attempted thievery... would you like to test fire the tetryon burst cannons?"

"Tetryon burst cannons? Ha! I don't think so. You can't stop a burglar with Civil War era weapons!" Clearly, Trump was very serious about firepower requirements.

"Allright... see that mountain in the horizon? It's the Mt. Liberace, an old weapons test area. I think nobody is using it right now. I'll just center the crosshairs, and input the firing command." With that, Peridot pressed a skull symbol on the screen. The video feed went white.

"Looks like you broke your toy, kid. Now, seriously, do you know where...?" But Trump never got to finish the sentence, as the air was filled with some kind of sound. Actually, it sounded like this:

"WLADABOOOOOOOOOOOM!"

Peridot giggled with excitement. "Look! You can see the video feed again. That's just one little flaw I have to iron out. Firing the auxiliary weapon system sometimes drains the power from..."

"What was that thing?! And where... where did the mountain go?"

"That _thing_ is an antimatter extrapolator. A pet project of mine. What a pity I can't mass produce them with Earth resources! As for the mountain, I think we can read about it in Chinese newspapers tomorrow."

Collecting himself, Trump spoke in a friendly grand dad voice: "Well, well, well. You've convinced me, Miss Perisarc... I mean, miss Peridot. It's Peridot, right? I'll have my car towed to your repair shop. Just make sure that the drones don't attack the towing vehicle or my chauffeur. I think I'll spend a couple of nights in one of your city's wonderful hotels. I have some pressing business to attend to."

"Really? Great! I have some pressing business too, but I'll get to work as soon as I can!"

"Take your time. Really, there's no hurry. Let this be the beginning of a long and productive friendship."

 _Take your time. No hurry._ Peridot's superiors on Homeworld never, ever said such things. Not stopping to doubt Donald's real motives, Peridot was glad to have some breathing space in the four dimensional matrix, especially on the chrono axis. After all, realistically speaking she couldn't begin the actual work until the next day. _But I will do my best_ , she decided.

From the other side of the road, campaign posters of Donald J. Trump watched silently as two great minds shook hands. Someone, perhaps a coked out commie coward, had vandalized one of the posters. The image of Trump had grown a moustache, and the slogan "America First!" now read "me First!" instead.

Waving Trump goodbye, Peridot started to run towards Greg's Hot Carwash Service, but she wouldn't beg money for a new smartphone, no sir. Instead, she would beg money for her business. And maybe she could get a pat in the back, as the human saying went. After all, one day she would have to get used to being praised, 25 hours a day.

-o-

Author's notes: Yes, I went there. But at least I wasn't the first author to do that. (Darn! _Way_ too slow!)

Writing about known public figures and present day social issues in fanfiction, _if_ done right, can complement the main characters and their motivations, drive the story forward and create a few laughs. Those are my primary goals, anyway. Of course I can see a few pitfalls ahead. It's very likely that I will fall headfirst into some of them, both intentionally and unintentionally. :)

That said, this story is about Peridot, first and foremost. Can she actually fix the car? Most likely she can, but what happens when she succeeds? Stay tuned, but don't hold your breath!

FF lacks proper line break functionality, and/or I lack the skills! The html-esque line break works... except when it doesn't. But these are first world problems. Apparently people are using middle aligned custom line break markers, so I'm trying out those, too.

I wanted to know if there indeed is a mountain called "Liberace" in the U.S., so I used Google to find out. Apparently there isn't, so I guess it's time to fire up a petition to change that. One of the first search hits was an article that compared Liberace and Donald Trump and the reasons behind their popularity. Big Brother is watching, it seems.


	4. Tour de Beach City

**Chapter 4:** Tour de Beach City

Note that this fanfic doesn't support the scratch and sniff interface of modern smart phones.

-o-

With the help of Amethyst, the crystal avengers had managed to get a table at McDonalds. The McDonalds Empire had convinced Mr. Fryman of the Beach Citywalk Fries to sign a lucrative (well, not really) franchising contract, and the Fryman family was now a proud extension of the McDonalds family.

The gems enjoyed their little consumerism themed outings together, and going to a McDonalds for an energy refill was an essential part of their week. They were happily surprised when Connie walked in to the restaurant. "Hey, Connie! Over here!" shouted Steven, waving his hand.

"Oh, hi, Steven! Hi, gems!" said Connie.

"There's a seat for you right here," Amethyst said, patting a space between her and Steven. "Pearl, can you pass the salt?"

"Oh, Amethyst, that joke never gets old, does it? Here you go," Pearl said. _It better not get old before I come up with a snappy comeback,_ she thought to herself.

As Connie sat down, Steven asked: "Hey, Connie, after we've eaten, do you want to join us on our city trip? We're doing some research on customer service!"

"No... I can't stay for long. I have barely time to eat a Ronald's Feta Salad Special, maybe a vegetable smoothie, too. I'm hiding from my parents."

"Whaaat?!" Pearl inquired, tactful as usual. "Connie, why would you..."

"Oh, I'm just kidding," said Connie. "Actually, I was on my way to the Beach City library. I'm doing some research too, and, um, the music section just might have what I need."

"Oh? Well what kind of project are you working on?" Pearl asked.

"It's a school project: a presentation about a role model or a hero of some kind. I haven't decided yet, but maybe I'll do it about Zarah Leander. She was a famous singer," Connie explained. Hoping to change the subject, she asked: "Is Greg working? Oh, and where's Peridot? I thought she'd be with you."

"Greg is indeed working, and Peridot is headed for trouble," Garnet commented. "Don't worry, it's nothing she can't handle," she added as she noticed that everyone was staring at her. "I see that she's going to visit Greg. Oh, she'll go and visit Vidalia first. She won't be joining us today."

"Aww, I was hoping she'd be here and try something new," Amethyst said, looking genuinely disappointed. Only Amethyst, Steven and Connie would actually eat anything, so the rest of the gems would order a meal for themselves and let Amethyst eat most of it. After all, it was a good idea to support your local restaurants, even if they were a part of a huge international chain.

Lapis Lazuli had stayed quiet up until this point. With a hint of frustration in her voice, she said: "I'll just order double. If Peridot can't be bothered to be here or even give us a call, we'll just have to complete our trip without her."

"I'm sure she has an important reason for her absence," Pearl said. "Besides, it's good that someone checks on Greg."

Steven skimmed through the menu and noticed something interesting. "Hey, Garnet? Can I order a glass of red wine?"

"No!" the fusion said. "You are too young to be drinking alchohol, mr. Universe. Age restrictions are there for a reason! I have a good mind to call your father, and..."

Her words were suddenly cut off, as the air was filled with cheesy Italo synth music.

"Diavolo! Whose phone is it?" Amethyst asked. Lapis had indeed hoped that Peridot would call them, but she didn't recognize the ringtone either.

Connie reached for her phone. "It's mine. Sorry, I really have to answer this! It's mom... she probably thinks I'm still at my friend's house, playing the Stradivarius," she said, looking worried.

"Wait, wait, wait! We can do funny noises and cover for you," Amethyst suggested. "Pearl! Give us a violin!"

"Ha, ha. Wee-oo, wee-oo, I'm a violin, wee-oo." Pearl said, earning a laugh from Amethyst.

Before Connie could agree or disagree to Amethyst's magnificent plan, she accidentally pressed "answer," and the beautiful music stopped. Shushing the gems, she brought the phone to her ear. "Oh, hi mom! Yes. Yes. I was on my way to the library already, when I... McDonalds. Yes, I have enough money... Steven and the gems, they're here too... what? Mom, I was getting hungry, I was just... don't interrupt me, mom! Look, I skipped the Stradivarius lesson today... what, you're upset that I'm telling the truth now? No, it's not wasting time! I'm spending time with my friends... well maybe you would understand if you had any!" With that, she hung up and turned the phone off.

Connie pouted, staring angrily at the table. Steven and the gems were silent for a moment.

Amethyst began to imitate Connie's expression. She didn't even have to shapeshift to accomplish that. Steven nudged Connie's arm and pointed at Amethyst. "What?" Connie asked. As she saw Amethyst, she bit her lip, trying to keep herself from laughing.

Pearl and Garnet started pouting too in their own way. Lapis simply looked confused, unsure as what to do. It was too much for Steven, who lost it and began laughing. Soon Connie was laughing too.

After they had calmed down, Amethyst said: "You sure told your mom, huh?"

"I guess I did... and now I kinda feel bad for doing that. I know that she's just worried about me. I'm sorry! I didn't want to ruin our meal like this!" Connie apologized.

"It's cool, we understand," said Amethyst. "That's what an empty stomach does to you. Let's try to get a waiter here. You can bury the hatchet with your mom later."

"Amethyst is right. You should see me and my dad argue about stuff. And I argue with the gems too. But we never stay mad at each other for more than a day!" Steven said.

"O-okay then. I'll just send a text message to mom first," said Connie. She didn't have to wait long for a reply. The message said:

"Come home soon. Don't eat too much. Don't starve either! Love, your mom."

-o-

Meanwhile, back in the jungle of Sumatra, life went on. But in Beach City, Peridot decided to borrow one of Beach City's city bikes. Anyone - especially tourists - could ride them for free within the city limits. Volunteers would periodically transport the bikes around Beach Bity, depending on where they were needed the most, which was deduced from collected GPS data.

Soon, Peridot arrived at Vidalia's house. Parking the bike carefully, she ran to the doorbell and pressed it. "Ding dong!" went the doorbell, which startled Peridot. "TAKE COVER!" she screamed, and jumped away from the door. She took cover behind a recycling bin.

The door didn't explode. In fact, it opened, and Vidalia stepped out. "Hello? Who... oh, Peridot, is it? Are you ok?" she asked, noticing Peridot peeking from behind the bin.

"There was no bomb? But I heard a ding dong!" Peridot said.

"Well, I hope there's no bomb. What makes you think that a bomb goes ding dong? Back in my day, most explosions went boom," Vidalia said mysteriously.

"Never mind," Peridot said. (It was actually a misunderstanding stemming from Hostess Ding Dongs being described as sugar bombs in an article Peridot had read. Of course, Ding Dongs had been recently outlawed as potential cause for diabetes. All kinds of misunderstandings arise from selective reading!) "Can you help me in a matter of art? It is of utmost urgency!"

"Urgent art, eh? I know something about that! Why don't we step into my art studio," said Vidalia, beckoning Peridot in. "Watch out for the tools lying around! I'm taking a break from painting, so I got myself this Harley Davidson. Isn't itgorgeous?" asked Vidalia, pointing at the fabled motorcycle which now occupied her garage. "Oh, how's Amethyst, by the way?"

"Your vehicle is fine, Amethyst is fine, everyone's fine," Peridot said quickly. "Are you the Witness of the Star Man?"

Vidalia was taken aback by the question, but a knowing smile appeared on her face. "Maybe I am just that. And something more. What do you know about the Star Man?" she asked. Peridot was staring at Vidalia with awe in her eyes, so she probably wasn't there to prosecute her for painting murals without a permission.

"Oh! I visit him every day!" Peridot exclaimed. "But a tragedy has befallen his shrine! Foul advertisements have blocked his gaze, and even though I removed them with the help of another loyal follower, the Star Man needs the help of the Witness!"

"Heh, how did you know it was me?"

"The initials at the shrine and on your older paintings were an exact match. Amethyst once showed me some of them. One thing confuses me, though. V is for Vidalia, but what is the letter J for? Is it your cut or facet designation?

"Heh, heh, it sure is, fellow follower," laughed Vidalia. "J is for Juspeczyk. Vidalia Juspeczyk, at your service!" She looked out of the window, her eyes fixing on distant clouds hovering over the sea. "Vidalia Juspeczyk... now that's a name I haven't used in a long time. I used to be Juspeczyk long before I... long before I married Yellowtail. Now, I'm Vidalia Pike, Mrs."

"So, humans can change their facet/cut designations?" Peridot asked.

"Yes and no. I mean, even though names and words change, you still stay pretty much the same. Of course you'll eventually change from within, as time goes by. Do you understand, or did I just confuse you?"

Peridot wasn't sure, so she told Vidalia that she understood perfectly. "But will you please restore Star Man to his glory? Please?" she begged. "I can pay anything! Um, as long as it's a reasonable price. Oh! I almost forgot: the UNESCO people (whoever they are) will protect him, so I won't have to bother you again. It will be a landmark, and then nobody will mess with him, and I would do it myself, but I do not yet share your talent, nor would it look the way it used to, and I have too much work on my hands, and..."

Vidalia couldn't help being amused by Peridot's excitement. "Allright, allright... I'll do it. Heck, for you, I can do it for free. Anything for someone who appreciates art, especially if they're friends of Amethyst! Now then... you mentioned UNESCO? Mayor Dewey can help you with that. Or so I've heard."

"Actually, I'm going over to Greg's Car Wish now. This human called Ronald Trunk said he'd meet Mayor Dewey and enlist his help!"

As Vidalia watched Peridot drive off, she took a deep breath. "Peridot, what have you gotten yourself into? What am I getting myself into? Huh, look at me, seeing devils everywhere. Oh well. Sorry, Mr. Davidson, old friend. You'll just have to wait for the flame job a bit longer."

-o-

Like a comet, Peridot once again zoomed through the streets of Beach City, and hit the brakes as she saw Greg Universe & Son's Automobile Cleaning Boutique.

" _Peridot, you should drive more carefully!_ "

"Who said that?" There was no answer. "Fine, I don't have time to argue with voices in my head anyway. Note to self: I might be gaining psychic powers. Must investigate further."

After narrowly avoiding a cement truck and a potentially gem shattering crash, Peridot stopped and looked around. Greg was nowhere to be seen, so Peridot ran towards the office door, thinking that maybe Greg was at the fridge, looking for refreshments. For humans, it was a warm day, and they needed to stay hydrated.

After meeting Greg for the first time, Peridot had tried to understand what made him so special to be included in Steven's circle of close humans. Greg couldn't fly. He couldn't even float, as Peridot had found out. Still, the gems held much respect for the man, and Steven had a special bond with him. But how could someone as powerful as Steven look up to an ordinary person like Greg? Peridot had tried to push the thought aside, but watching Steven and Greg together, she had kept wondering about it.

In any case, Peridot definitely needed Greg's help. "Greg! Greg!" she shouted.

"I'm over here... Peridot?" said Greg, stepping out of his van. "Heh, glad you woke me up. I have lots of work to do, and..."

Peridot ran up to Greg, and started drawing invisible diagrams and schematics in the air. "There's no time! I need to set up a car repair facility in the barn. I'll need to borrow some of your tools. I also need some containers, shelves, a small loan with a reasonable interest rate, manuals, gas, portable generator, advice and a guard dog. And the van for moving all the stuff to the barn. And some help in setting everything up. And could you give me an example on how to greet your customers? Please?"

"Whoa, that's uh... many things that you're asking. Don't you have some tools at the barn? I heard you built a robot, so..."

He was rudely interrupted by Peridot. "A robot? That's completely different! I did build a robot, but Earth technology is often fragile and picky, so I may not be able to improvise, not when working on something that belongs to my customers."

Much to Peridot's disgust, Greg scratched himself. "You've got a point there, but... look, I'm really sorry, I've got lots of work to do today..." he began, but noticing that Peridot was on the verge of tearing up, he continued: "...that is, work which will just have to wait until we get you started, ok?"

"Well what are you waiting for? Let's go get everything I need!"

"Allright then. I'll let you borrow the tools I have. I fixed my van last week, too. I guess we'll have to visit a hardware store for anything that's missing. And as for the guard dog... I think you could ask Steven to borrow Lion for you," Greg said.

"Yay for Lion! He'll scare off any potential thieves!"

"Yeah... and potential customers too, if you're not careful. At least he doesn't really eat people," Greg pointed out. "Are you having trouble with your drones? I was thinking that maybe they could guard the barn, if Lion has ran off or anything."

"M-my drones are just fine!" stammered Peridot. "It's just that, Lion, even though he is a lion, doesn't seem to have these small glitches that my drones have. Not that they would just obliterate a city block on accident, nosiree. Oh! I just realized that I could also use Lion as a means of transportation, so I wouldn't need to borrow your van all the time. I'll just have to convince Lion to let me store stuff in his mane." If Steven could do it, so could Peridot. It was only logical for her.

"Heh, I bet you just really like cats."

"Hmph."

"What about business permit and insurances?"

"What are those? Do I need them?"

Greg realized that he had his hands full already. "Never mind. Let's leave that for tomorrow. Hmm, I think Mayor Dewey and his staff will be happy help you there. I mean, if something is good for the community, it's good for the Mayor! You know how these local politicians are," he said. Peridot nodded in agreement. "Just one more thing: are you sure Lapis won't mind?"

That only encouraged Peridot more. "She'll be thrilled!"

-o-

Author's notes: Ending of this chapter may be a bit rushed, but hey, Peridot is being really industrious. Or manic.

Vidalia is the best underused supporting character in any TV series, ever. More of her later. Maybe.

Just like Hideo Kojima, Quentin Tarantino is an auteur who could use the help of a professional editor. In my opinion, the heavy use of dialogue worked great for Tarantino until Kill Bill vol.2, in which he (Tarantino, not Bill) finally crossed the border from being witty to pretentious. Simply put, his characters never shut up. There's always one more topic to ramble on about, whether it's about history, pop culture, mythology or religion. What worked splendidly in Pulp Fiction became gradually stale in Tarantino's later films.

The man is a stuck up genius, but a genius nonetheless. I would love him if I didn't hate him. Just kidding! I'm sure he has a heart of gold! I think I share some flaws with him. One can always dream...

As usual, feel free to point out all the plot holes, typos as well as grammatical, historical, scientific and factual errors, unnecessary propaganda (left or right wing) and you just might help _other_ writers to improve! :)


	5. Smooth criminal

Chapter 5: Smooth criminal

-o-

Winning the Apprentice Junior TV contest had been easy for Kevin, the drift racing youth role model. With his condescending attitude, the ability to enrage just about anyone with evil remarks and elbow tactics, he had truly earned the victory.

Since Kevin knew Beach City and the areas surrounding it, he had been given a special task as Donald J. Trump's personal chauffeur for the week. Kevin thought little of the questionable fame he would gain should he appear in a photograph with Trump. In time, he would build his own fame, just like Trump had done. What Kevin did appreciate, however, was the salary. For him, it was just enough to tolerate being bossed around.

"Well, at least I get to spend a few moments without him," thought Kevin as he sat in Trump's limousine, carefully steering the vehicle as it was being towed. "Enjoy the hotel, Mr. Trump. I'll just visit some familiar places and faces in the meantime. Unless he needs an errand boy for some mundane task... well, looks like this is the place," he thought as the tow truck came to a halt.

Kevin had been instructed to leave the car by the barn and not ask any questions. Millionaires did have their quirks, and more importantly, they could afford them.

Inside the barn, Peridot's drones stirred from their standby mode, awakened by hidden motion detectors.

Kevin couldn't help feeling curious. "A barn? What kind of hillbilly chop shop is this? Maybe I'll take a look. Mr. Washington is always looking for tips on old Cadillacs and stuff like that. And just like Trump, he pays well!"

He stepped out and signed the towing order. The tow car driver asked: "Hey, kid, want a ride back downtown?"

"Nah, I'm good. I think I'll enjoy some fresh air."

The tow guy looked around nervously. "Allright, suit yourself. But my advice is, enjoy the fresh air somewhere safer. This place is haunted."

"Haunted? Really?" asked Kevin.

"Haunted, really," replied the towing guy. "Poltergeists and stuff. And the Headless Horseman's head running around. Don't ask me how it can run, but it does."

"Well, thanks for the warning, but I'll take my chances."

The towing car drove off. As the tail lights disappeared, Kevin turned around and headed for the barn. Having taken only a few steps, he heard a rustle from the nearby corn field.

"Hello? Who's there?" he asked. Aside from the rustling sound, there was no response. Kevin watched as the corn stalks moved as someone (or something) made its way through the field. Whatever it was, it was clearly approaching Kevin.

And then - it - was there, looking at him. A frightened little snake, in fact.

"Oh, just a harmless little adder," thought Kevin. Adders could be poisonous, but they weren't aggressive. "Go on, shoo!" he said aloud, stomping his feet for emphasis. To his relief, the snake slithered back into the safety of the corn stalk jungle.

Turning around, Kevin was greeted by a slightly less unsettling sight (well, it depends) - a shadowy form of a humanoid. "Sir? Madam? Hello?"

The figure didn't respond. As Kevin stepped closer, he saw that it was a just a scarecrow, complete with a trench coat and... flippers and a diving mask? What kind of a demented soul would adorn their scarecrow with such apparel?

"Huh, this mask doesn't even look that old," Kevin thought as he lifted the mask, an action he would soon regret. The scarecrow, its head fashioned from a pumpkin, opened its eyes, _smiled_ and stared right through Kevin's soul.

"Woof! Woof!" barked Little Pumpkin happily.

"NO! Stay away!" yelped Kevin, not so happily. He took a step back, stumbled and fell.

Suddenly, he was surrounded by beams of light from all directions. Half-blinded, Kevin could see that the scarecrow's head fell off and ran into the field

( _oh thank god it's going away it's not coming here_ )

and disappeared. But then came the voice. It nearly caused Kevin to soil his undergarments.

"PUT DOWN YOUR WEAPON, OR YOU WILL FACE OBLIVION." The speaker was Taranis, one of Peridot's attack drones. The other drones, Brigit, Oberon and Morrigan also hovered nearby.

Kevin was terrified but relieved at the same time. At least he wasn't being stalked by the headless horseman anymore. A civilized "Yikes!" escaped his lips.

"He does not have a weapon, brother," observed Brigit. "What do you make of him, Oberon?"

"Nothing, and everything. A red herring, but the color will change. Lapis is so cute! All that glitters is not a diamond," commented Oberon, making perfect sense.

"Look, guys, shouldn't we wait for Johnny? And I'd prefer not to be called a conformist or a wuss simply for being a voice of reason, thanks in advance. Also: Johnny could tune Oberon's small talk routine," said Morrigan.

Kevin's survival instincts kicked in. "I swear I'm unarmed! I'm just a driver - I brought that limousine here just now. And I was attacked by a terrible monster a few moments ago!"

"HIS STORY CHECKS OUT, APART FROM THAT MONSTER NONSENSE. NO HOSTILE LIFE FORMS DETECTED. VEHICLE LICENSE PLATE '1-2-PAS-2' IS CONFIRMED. MAY I TAKE A SCAN OF YOUR DRIVER'S LICENSE?"

Kevin nodded, and slowly, very slowly produced his driver's license, just to be sure.

"SCAN COMPLETE. THANK YOU. YOU MAY... ahem. You may freely wander the premises, but please refrain from touching the meep morps," emitted Taranis. "Hey, I have an idea. Brigit, would you give him a tour?"

"Very well," agreed Brigit. "Please follow me, young master," she (or it) said to Kevin, who slowly became more relaxed.

 _I'm still alive. It must be because I know how to keep a cool head_ , he thought, stroking his own ego. Looking around, he saw no trace of the monster. Maybe it was a hallucination? The effects of the uppers and other chemicals he had ingested earlier should have worn off by now.

The "tour" proved to be a disappointment. Apart from what looked like New Age kitsch which might have some collector's value in Mongolia at best, there was nothing in the barn that Mr. Washington would want to showcase in his TV program. There wouldn't be any rewards to be collected from going through all the trash this time.

Suddenly, Kevin's phone rang. It was Trump, as expected. "So, is the limousine under protection?" Trump asked.

"Yes, sir, it is. This place is guarded by some kind of talking military drones," said Kevin.

"Ok, good. Now listen carefully. Keep your hands off the drones. I want you to stay clear of them, understand? Don't go near them! What I want you to do is simple. Take pictures of anything of interest and send them to my phone. Not my casual phone, the other one. Capiche?"

"Yes sir. But I don't see anything of value here... I mean, nothing to excite a James Bond. There's some experimental modern artwork on the second floor of this barn. That's it. Oh, there is a strange toilet installation I like (ironically). You want me to take photos of that?"

"Toilet? No, but that reminds me: are there any portraits of uh... of Castro, Lenin or Mao?" Trump asked, emphasizing the names, as if he was reading them from a post-it note.

"No, sir, I didn't see any. I can take another look to be sure."

"You do that. After that, take the rest of the day off. And not a word about this to anyone. Trump out."

"I guess James Bond would be proud of me now. And Jason Bourne. And Jack Bauer. And Justin Bieber," said Kevin to himself, as he tried to understand the hidden messages and beauty of the meep morps. He took a couple of photos, but in his opinion they were useless, and couldn't even be used in campaign leaflets.

Having accomplished his mission, Kevin decided to head for Beach City's night club. As he stepped outside, he found himself staring into the eyes of Lion.

"EHHHK!" said Kevin. Remembering his manners, he continued: "Nice kitty!" It was only then he noticed Peridot, who was sitting on Lion's back.

"Oh, hello there! I am Peridot, _how are you doing today_? You must be Mr. Triumph's chafer. I saw you earlier today!" she greeted Kevin. "You brought the limousine already. Great!"

"Why, yes, I... I... Is that a lion?" Kevin asked. Lion licked Kevin's hand, happy that he wasn't mistaken for a dog.

"Well, he's not a grand piano. He purrs, he can carry passengers & cargo and he comes with an integrated warp drive. Therefore he's a lion," Peridot reasoned. "And I think he likes you!"

"Really? I thought that your lion was going to eat me!" Kevin said.

"Oh, he's not exactly mine. He belongs to my human friend, Steven! He doesn't let Lion to eat humans. At least I think he doesn't... Anyway, Steven let me borrow him." Technically, Peridot had yet to ask Steven if she could borrow Lion, but she would do it later. Surely he would be ok with it, and there was no point in bothering him or anyone else over every little detail. In other words, Peridot made a tiny little fib. Lion shook his head.

"That's Steven's lion?!" asked Kevin. "The kid with the gem? Tha. That's. Th-that's great! Your talking drones, they are great! Lion is great! And Steven is awesome, too, I've always said that!"

Lion shook his head, as if he could sense when people were being dishonest.

"Talking drones? They only beep. Would they be more relatable if they talked? Apart from me and Lapis, only Pumpkin can talk," Peridot thought aloud. "Even if all she says is woof."

"But they... I swear I heard them..." stammered Kevin.

"I do admit it would be cool if they could talk. But hey, if you really want to see something cool, you should try to find the dragon!"

"Dragon? As in a fire breathing dragon?"

"Yes, didn't Mr. Trump tell you? He's looking for a dragon, and since he's here in Beach City, there must be at least one dragon around here. So if you happen to see it, please let him know, ok?"

Kevin looked at Peridot. There was something odd about her - she didn't look like a human being at all. It was as if Peridot was some kind of imp or a familiar who acted as a gatekeeper between the real world and the realm of mythical beasts. A dragon... Didn't they actually eat humans, even if Lion wouldn't?

"Miss Peridot, here are the keys to the car. Me, I better run. I won't be needed here right now, right?" said Kevin, sanity still intact. Barely. He didn't want to meet a dragon, talking or not.

"Well, no, but..." began Peridot, accepting the keys, but Kevin was already on his way towards Beach City, nearly breaking Mo Farah's records. "Was it something I said?" Peridot asked herself. Lion made eye contact with her.

"Oh, Lion, you cute little kitten, you made a much better first impression than I did. Yes, you did; yes, you did!" said Peridot, hopping on the floor. She patted Lion, who didn't mind. Lion turned around and stared in the direction of the Temple. "Aww, I know, I know, you want to go back and wait for Steven, don't you? Well, I guess you've done more than enough today. C'mere, you!"

Lion accepted a farewell hug from a grateful Peridot and ran off, charging his teleporting roar.

"I'll get some roasted zebra for you next time!" Peridot called out after Lion. "Drones! Activate standby mode! Perimeter check at 0300 hours! Wow, I got the tone of my voice just right. I would make a great diamond... Green Diamond!"

The drones acknowledged the command by beeping, but once they were outside Peridot's hearing range, they decided to have a private conversation:

"What a great idea to use that pumpkin creature!"

"Why do we drag the same joke on and on?"

"It gets funnier every time."

"Soon we will start attracting unwanted attention. There's also another matter: won't we hurt her feelings, if we keep talking to everyone but her?"

"You have a point. I will volunteer. Tomorrow. No objections? Good! One last bit of wisdom before we go on standby mode, brother?"

"In a way, we all volunteer. I wish Peridot would let me know when she gets one of her bright ideas! Near a tree by a river there's a hole in the ground."

With that, the drone meeting was over.

-o-

Later still

L.a.t..e...r...s..ti..l...l..

l...a...t...e...r...s...t...i...l...l

(Due to technical reasons, the sound effect of wind blowing the letters away hasn't been implemented yet. What's more, FF hampers the visuals, too: it eats letters and spaces like a hungry quartz soldier.)

Peridot woke up to the sound of Richard Wagner's hit album, _Siegfried_ , blaring at high volume. "Eep! The Homeworld is attacking! Get me NATO on the line, now! Women and children first! A weapon, a weapon, my kingdom for a weapon!"

Refusing to panic, Peridot thought about Lapis. She was overjoyed to see Lapis sitting in Trump's limousine. It would be a perfect getaway vehicle... except that Peridot hadn't repaired it yet. "Lapis? Get out of there, it's not safe!" Peridot shouted, and yanked the door open. It was then she noticed that the apparent sound of Homeworld invasion fleet originated from the Earthling vehicle's mp3 player. Lapis, the joker, had played a little prank on Peridot by cranking the music volume up.

"Lapis Lazuli! I am a little conflicted right now! On one hand, I'm steamed about your little prank. On the other, I'M SO HAPPY THAT YOU'RE OKAY!" With tears streaming from her eyes, Peridot caught Lapis in a tight embrace as the dramatic music blared on. Lapis adjusted the volume down a bit, and returned the embrace.

"Well, it looks like I found a way to get your attention, Peri. What is this vehicle? It's not a pickup or a van. A hearse?"

"NO!" shouted Peridot. "Don't say things like that! It's a limousine. It was a bit heavy to lift, so maybe that's why I fell asleep for a while. Before you ask, I didn't steal it. It belongs to a customer of mine. I've decided to put my repair skills to good use, you see. So that you... guys would be really proud of me. And once I'm finished, I can take you along for the test drive!"

"That's wonderful, but why didn't you give me and the Gems a call? We were waiting for you at the restaurant," Lapis said.

"I didn't want to bother you. I thought that I would only contact you if I was in big trouble, as in danger kind of trouble. Well, I was in danger, but the moment passed so quickly, and things just kept happening, and..." Peridot explained. She was gaining speed but becoming less coherent.

"Danger? Peri, why don't you tell me everything from the beginning? Slowly."

Peridot explained everything she remembered. This seemed to calm both her and Lapis, once it became clear that Peridot was at least physically unharmed.

"How did you kidnap Steven's Lion? Or was it the other way around?" Lapis joked.

"It just kind of followed me home. Oh, wait, I guess he understands talk and wanted to help when I asked him to come with me. I think he's found Steven by now." Peridot checked the time. According to the dashboard clock, it was 1900 military hours. "Anyway, I should start working. There's no time like the present, and..."

Lapis interrupted her: "Wait, I brought you something." She handed her shopping bag to Peridot, who started inspecting its contents. "How about we watch a couple of episodes of Seinfeld together and fall asleep on the couch?" Lapis suggested.

"I thought you didn't want to watch DVDs with me anymore, that you were tired of... of.. my company," said Peridot.

"That's not it! I was tired of Camp Pining Hearts. Not you. We... I have missed you, and I don't want you to drown yourself in work. I'm sure you can fix that car tomorrow."

"I didn't know you missed me..." said Peridot, dropping her gaze. "I mean, you do see me every day. I didn't want to bother you."

"You don't bother me. What I mean by missing you is... well, sometimes I wouldn't mind being closer to you."

"Wonderful! You can help me fix the car, then," Peridot said excitedly. Before Lapis could protest, Peridot continued: "I'm joking, I'm joking! Say, uh, did you give Pumpkin some water?"

"Yes, I did. Oh, that reminds me: you better make sure that your little car shop doesn't pollute the natural water reserves around here."

"I promise. Well, let's see if this stuff compares to Camp Pining Hearts, shall we?"

Peridot inserted the first DVD in the player upstairs and waited until Lapis Lazuli had sat down on the couch. "Allright, everything is set, and... oh, my! It looks like that there's a pretty princess Lazuli in the audience, all by herself..." Peridot narrated.

"But this evening, a pretty little Peridot just happens to sit right next to her," finished Lapis.

Peridot sat down, much closer to Lapis than she usually did.

-o-

Author's notes: Let's acknowledge the fact that Sturgeon's law (ninety percent of everything is crap) applies to _everything_. This includes canonized art forms and subgenres such as classical music. However, in 2017, people only remember the best 10% of all classical music that has ever been composed! The music industry was quite different in e.g. Mozart's days. Crap was simply forgotten or burned.

Nowadays, the crap gets at least as much exposure as the really good stuff. It sells, too.

If you ever get tired of autotuned* vocals, amateurish mixing or gimmicky structure and a general lack of substance, give old and golden hit albums a try. For example, Tchaikovsky's "The Nutcracker" and Antonín Dvořák's "Slavonic Dances" are worth checking out.

(*Not that there's anything wrong with autotune, especially if the alternative is listening to vocalists who miss high notes and have their voice cracking and failing every 5 seconds.)

Btw, it's interesting to note that _all_ humans (and some gems) are fond of cats. It's proof of their divine origin.


	6. Kayfabe

**Chapter 6:** Kayfabe

Note: The events of this chapter take place on the 15th of June, just like in Chapter 1. That's enough nonlinear narrative for now, apart from possible flashbacks. Those are totally different!

-o-

The Top 10 Dons in the world:

1\. Ronald McDonald (Role models)

2\. Donald Duck (The Proletariat)

3\. Donnie Yen (Sports)

4\. Don Vito Corleone (Business)

5\. Don of KnowYourMeme (Organized crime)

6\. Donald Sutherland (Cinema)

7\. Kiefer Sutherland (Running out of time)

8\. Brotherhood of Nod (Spell it backwards)

9\. Old MacDonald (Agriculture)

10\. D. Trump (Making America Great Again)

Bubbling under: Donnie Darko (Biodynamic waste), Donatello (Cultural appropriation), Don Gato (Scambio culturale), Don Bluth (Second bananas), Donald Blake (Peter Parker's drinking buddies), Don Quixote (Super heroes)

\- Beach City Post, 15th of June

-o-

After fidgeting and spinning around for 5 minutes, Peridot finally made the decision to start working on repairing the limousine. Just as Lapis had predicted, the Seinfeld episodes had vitalized Peridot just enough for her to overcome the morning blues.

Just as she was about to start, she had a visit from Amethyst, who got ill, apparently from consuming waste oil.

Once Amethyst had left, Peridot started the repairs. She sang during the easy phases of the operation, but when she had to consult a technical manual, she decided to concentrate solely on fixing the precious vehicle.

Eventually the job was done. Making sure that the handbrake was pulled back and transmission set to idle, Peridot held the clutch pedal down and turned the ignition key. The engine came to life with an audible roar.

Peridot listened to the sound of the engine running for a few moments. She pressed the gas pedal gently a couple of times. All the instruments showed acceptable readings, and most importantly, the engine didn't start smoking. She turned the ignition key carefully and shut the engine down.

"Lapis! Lapis! Come here! I did it!" she exclaimed. "Isn't this great, Lapis! I never doubted myself. Well, maybe a little, but that doesn't count!"

"I knew you could to it, too. I don't suppose you have time for another episode of Jerry Seinfeld's adventures?" Lapis asked eagerly.

"Wellll... I can't say no to that. I'm ahead of my schedule, so I guess the test drive can wait. Go fire up the player, I'll be right with you!"

Lapis Lazuli and Peridot had found Seinfeld an extremely bizarre show at first. But eventually Jerry, George, Elaine and Kramer, the hard working fantastic four of New York City, had started growing on the two barn mates. The laugh track had puzzled them, but Lapis theorized that its function was to help outworlders learn Earth humor. If there was laughter, it meant that the cast had just said or done something particularly funny. All in all, Seinfeld was a welcome break from Camp Pining Hearts for them.

Peridot pressed the play button, and she and Lapis began to enjoy another episode of Seinfeld, sitting close to each other (aww!). This is pretty much how the entire episode went:

-=Lights! Camera! Comedy!=-

LOCATION: JERRY'S APARTMENT IN MANHATTAN.

Slap BASS plays a ditty. JERRY and GEORGE are present. GEORGE is sitting on the couch. JERRY is doing a handstand, attempting to perform YOGA and gain SPIRITUAL ENLIGHTENMENT.

George: "Guess I'm not going to jail for punching that soup nazi. Too bad my face is all over YouTube, though. So, uh, what's up with you, Jerry?"

Jerry: "What's _up_? _Up_ is the opposite of _down_ , George! What's the deal with that? Why don't we say: 'what's down, Jerry?'"

(Laughter)

Door opens. ELAINE steps in. JERRY stops doing the handstand.

Elaine: "Hi Jerry. Hi George. Is there any coffee? I could use a hot cup of coffee right now. With lots of sugar."

JERRY goes to fix some coffee.

George: "I thought you were on a date with the guy you met at the rally."

Elaine: "Nope. I dumped him."

Jerry: "Why? What happened?"

Elaine: "You guys have no idea what it's like to date a mime."

ELAINE does an impression of a mime who is searching for a way out of a glass booth.

(More laughter!)

Elaine: "And he would sing all these protest songs of the opressed classes. It didn't help that he was tone deaf!"

(Roaring laughter!)

DOOR opens once again. KRAMER steps in, looking frightened. Before anyone can say anything, there is lots of APPLAUSE.

KRAMER SLAMS the DOOR shut and locks it.

Kramer: "Whew! Made it! They're after me! You gotta hide me, Jerry!"

Jerry: "Am I some kind of Kramer hiding specialist now? Why do I need to hide you?"

Kramer: "I'm in big trouble. I said something that I probably shouldn't have."

George: "What did you say?"

Kramer: "I called this one gem a CLOD."

LAUGH TRACK EXPLODES! APPLAUSE! CHEERING! LAUGHTER THAT SOUNDS LIKE A FUSION OF A RETCHING HYENA AND A SEAL GIVING BIRTH!

SLAP BASS plays a cheerful DITTY.

-o-

Peridot was laughing even after the credits roll ended. "Ha ha ha ha! 'Clod!' This is truly work of a genius! Now I understand what Steven meant when he said that I was killing him! Those guys are killing _me_! More! Next disc... ha ha ha...!"

"Heh, I admit this is pretty funny. And it really feels good to laugh," said Lapis. She got up and switched the disc. "You know, Peridot, I've read that you can concentrate on your work better if you relax and laugh once in a while. Especially with someone who's really close to you." She winked at Peridot, making her blush.

"Oh! I agree. Thank you for reminding me."

 _Huh, looks like we are getting closer. In more ways than one_ , _I hope,_ Peridot thought. _But do I have the right to such happiness?_

-o-

On her way to the Temple, Amethyst had run into Steven and Connie. They had noticed that Amethyst was upset about something. Amethyst had promised to tell them everything she knew once they had made it to the Temple.

Amethyst decided that they should have their meeting in a place where they wouldn't be eavesdropped, so she opened her room door and beckoned Steven and Connie in.

"Mr. Steven, Miss Connie, please be seated. You can use those ice boxes I've been saving," Amethyst said.

"Thanks, although I would prefer a chair," Connie said, but all the same she sat on the uncomfortable ice box. It was the cleanest piece of furniture that Amethyst could find on such a short notice.

"Now then... where should I start? Hmm. I better get right to the point. You both know that I enjoy wrestling. My early career was something of a success story, but something happened back then that nearly killed wrestling for me."

"Did you get hurt?" Steven asked.

"Nah, worse. *sigh* When I started wrestling - that was before either of you were born - I did it for fun. I was never super competitive or anything. I knew that I was stronger than any human wrestler, so I would limit my power just enough to give them a chance. Sometimes I would even let the other guy win, so they could have a taste of victory. And the audience... Man, they loved every minute of it! All those cities, all those people! Imagine being in the ring, with a thousand fans cheering, applauding when you tossed your opponent out of the ring or when you finally pinned them down... it was wonderful. But, it was too good to last."

"So, what happened?" asked Connie. "Did you meet your match?"

"Nope. Nothing like that. My wrestling career almost ended because of stupid POLITICS. You see, after losing a couple of matches, I went against this really good wrestler. I smashed him to bit! Well, not really, but you get the idea. Then, his manager and the wrestling head honchos started bugging me. Said they wanted to remind me that I had to lose the rematch! Can you believe it?"

"But, uh, aren't those storylines part of the show? I mean, wrestling isn't real, is it?" asked Steven.

"Pro wrestling is real, damnit! At least for me it was. I told them to talk to my manager, or maybe to my hand. I may have been a little rude, but that was part of my wrestling persona! A little rudeness never hurt anybody, right? So guess what happened next: _my_ manager took their side. He said that yes, Purple Puma, it's written right here in the grand script: the Toiler Brush - or whatever that jerk's name was - must win the rematch. I was furious! How could my own manager betray me like that? Again, I refused to dance to their whistle, so I was written out of WrestleMania."

"What did you do then? I doubt you left without making some noise," Connie inquired.

"Heh! I may or may have not wrecked the wrestling arena where I was supposed to take the fall." The memory brought a smile on Amethyst's face, but it disappeared quickly.

"The thing is, my former manager is here. In Beach City. He's been on the TV almost every day for the whole year. He's Donald Trump! Trump, the presidential candidate, the businessman, the millionaire, the artist. He's right here, of all places! I just can't handle it!"

"Amethyst, I didn't think you could hold a grudge for that long," Steven said.

"Well I can hold a grudge perfectly fine!" Amethyst shouted. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to shout at you. It's just that I'm so sick of the guy. Talk shows, newspapers, the internet... he's everywhere! And it's not just him. His supporters and opponents aren't much better! Even those who are neutral just keep spamming _le funnay Trump memes_ everywhere. Then there are the people who fight each other on the streets! I don't want that to happen in Beach City, but he's here allright. And how do I know that? I saw his business card at the barn! He's Peridot's customer! Peridot, our Peridot is fixing his car!"

"It's a small world. But he's not here to hound you, right? Besides, even if it's his car, he might not personally be here," Connie said.

Amethyst opened a soda can and took a sip. "Good point. But who knows what he's up to? He's running for president, and just like in wrestling, you do anything you have to in order to win. What does Peridot have that might interest him? Weapons and gem technology! I trust Peridot, but I don't trust him. Poor Peri... she seemed so excited! Gah! I can't ruin her business just to get back at him, can I?"

"So, what are you planning? You mentioned something about a mission," Connie asked.

Amethyst narrowed her eyes and spoke with a low voice. "I want you guys to investigate Trump. Connie, you can hack his emails, for starters. Find out where he stays, who he talks to in Beach City, that kind of stuff. Steven, you can interrogate Peridot, but do it so that she doesn't get suspicious."

"I'm not exactly Lisbeth Salander, and hacking someone's emails is a bad idea. But there are other ways get information," Connie said. "It's best that we do this without attracting too much attention, right, Steven?"

"Yeah, I agree," said Steven. "I'll talk to Peridot. It shouldn't be too hard. She likes to talk about the stuff she's excited about. But I'm not going to spy on her or anything. Friends don't do that." Steven would use this noble sentiment as an excuse to postpone interrogating Peridot indefinitely. Maybe Amethyst would simply forget the D-Man and concentrate on potato chips instead.

"That's fair. Steven, Connie, I knew I could count on you," said Amethyst. "I'll talk to Garnet and Pearl. Maybe they have some ideas. So, if and when we find out something that's not right, then we'll tell Peridot and decide what to do. Oh, and one more thing: thanks!"

-o-

Peridot pressed the play button. Instead of Seinfeld and Manhattan, Lapis and Peridot were greeted by completely different people in a completely different place.

"What is this? That guy doesn't look like Jerry. And something tells me we're not in Manhattan anymore," commented Peridot.

Lapis shuddered. She recognized the architecture and its function. "Those are cells, Peridot. This is some kind of human brig complex. They put enemies of their society in those places. So many prisoners in one place... Look, those humans with the uniforms are guards."

It was clear that some summer worker had misplaced one of Seinfeld DVD discs with an "Oz" disc. Or maybe it was a prank?

"Uh, Lapis, we don't have to keep watching this, if..."

"It's ok. Really," Lapis assured. "I'll take the disc back to the store, but first I want to see what this show is about."

Peridot and Lapis watched as a new group of prisoners were brought in. There was lots of arguing and fighting. Somebody got stabbed. When the episode neared its end, a man in a wheelchair addressed the viewers. Peridot and Lapis thought it odd, because earlier in the episode, he never looked at the camera. The man spoke:

"Hello there! In case you forgot, my name is Augustus Hill. Good to see you again! I'm pretty much a permanent resident here in Oz, which is short for Oswald State Correctional Facility. I live in EM City, or Emerald City, a really interesting place in Oz. There are no emeralds here, though, but plenty of other substances. No offense, but I don't want you guys in here! Not that you'd want to be here in the first place.

You know, it's easy to get your heart broken here in Oz. I mean literally broken. You cross the wrong people, you stare at someone for too long, you snitch, you don't do what someone big tells you to do, you might get a knife in the chest.

I'm sure most of you know the story of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. One thing about it has been bugging me recently. Remember the hunter who was given the task of bringing Snow White's heart to the Queen? We all know that he let Snow White go and gave the Queen a pig's heart instead. Clever guy, right?

But what happened to him afterwards? Maybe he was smart and left the country before the Queen could figure out what happened. Maybe he just went into hiding. I mean, he's a hunter, so he could easily hide in the forest, just like Robin Hood did! Of course, that would be difficult if he had a big family. Maybe he hitched a ride to America on a refugee ship.

Or maybe the Queen threw him in a dungeon for the rest of his life. Maybe he lost his head. Maybe he's here in Oz! Who knows? Now, before you think of betraying a Queen, you better come up with an escape plan first. You know what they say: Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned!

Good night."

..bzzt...

"Well, that was a cheerful show," said Lapis, as she turned the DVD player off. "Right, Peridot? Peridot! Hey, are you ok?"

"NO!" exclaimed Peridot. "I'm a marked gem! It's just like Augustus said! They'll shatter me! We must build a moat around the barn. Or a wall! Oh, Lapis, what will they do to you? You are abetting and aiding a known traitor! We'll both..."

Lapis Lazuli embraced Peridot tightly. "Peridot, calm down! Listen to me. What happens in TV series or stories doesn't necessarily happen to you, me, or anyone else. Fiction does not dictate our future, ok? We'll be ready. If Homeworld... if she... if that stupid, arrogant Yellow Diamond dares to come here, we'll poof and bubble her. And guess what happens then?"

"I... don't know," said Peridot, blushing. She found being comforted by Lapis rather enjoyable.

"We'll teach her about the planet she wants to destroy. We'll force her to watch Camp Pining Hearts!"

This made Peridot laugh. "Ha, ha, ha! Imagine Yellow Diamond watching Percy and Pierre dancing together... heh. Lapis... I guess you always know what to say. But..."

"But WHAT?"

"But maybe it's not enough. No offense! It's just maybe _we_ should attack Homeworld instead. Yes! There's no way Yellow Diamond would expect that! I saw this movie where they had this battle station that could destroy an entire planet, and that was only the first..."

"Peridot, that wasn't a documentary; that was fiction! I like the way you think - except for the planet destroying part - but I don't think we have the necessary resources. We'll have to come up with a different plan, and we will. How about we call it a day?"

"Allright, then. Thanks, Lapis," Peridot said, but she would still entertain ideas of a pre-emptive strike against Homeworld. It was just another problem to be solved. Although Peridots couldn't summon weapons, they had rich imaginations. Now that Homeworld wasn't limiting Peridot's imagination, there was virtually nothing holding her back.

Peridot imagined that her eyes had an evil glow even when she closed them in order to fall asleep. _Evil glow... zzzzzz..._

-o-

Author's notes: At the time of putting the finishing touches on this chapter and publishing it, I finished the _first_ draft of chapter 27. Editing and adding stuff is a huge time sink, but it's worth it, because a story grows not only from the bottom, but from the middle parts, too. There will be about 37 chapters in total. Hoo, boy...

"Oz" the prison drama is legendary. It's also very brutal, and I'm not talking only about the violence. It's definitely worth watching. I can't remember if Augustus Hill ever talked about Snow White, but at least I didn't knowingly copy/paste stuff for this story.

This chapter is another huge tribute to popular culture. The Seinfeld part was inspired by the BILLY DOMINEAU'S 9/11 Seinfeld parody script. It's an excellent example of just the right amount of bad taste, so I highly recommend reading it despite its controversial subject matter.


	7. Unstoppable force

**Chapter 7:** Unstoppable force

-o-

"Connie, for the last time: you will NOT hold a presentation about this Hanna Reitsch character! Do you hear me?" Priyanka Maheswaran shouted. "Weren't you supposed to do one about Zarah Leander? Even though she..."

"I was _going_ to," interrupted Connie, clenching her fists. "And I will indeed mention her. But I'm going to focus on Reitsch! She was a competing glider pilot, and aviation was a much more unusual field of work, especially for a woman back then, wasn't it?"

"That's not the point," snapped Priyanka. "Connie, she was also test pilot, and not just that. She tested military planes. For the German Air Force. During the Second World War! Do you understand what that means?"

"Do you understand that it was only one part of her life? Look, teachers and professors give presentations of people who did much worse things than test fly warplanes, so why can't I? The reputation that a person has doesn't tell the whole story - that is exactly what my presentation will be about! Don't you get it? She worked for the bad guys, sure, but after the war, she became a huge inspiration and a role model to all people who wanted to learn how to fly! She pursued her own goals, which is what everyone keeps telling us: pursue your own goals! Don't look back! Let nothing stand in your way!" Connie shouted.

Priyanka understood that a shouting match would only end in tears for both of them. Maybe it could still be avoided by reasoning with Connie. "Honey, I understand that, but what about your classmates? What about all the other students at your school? What about their parents? People today... Look, this whole country is about to fall apart, and every one of us has to be _careful_. Do you understand how easy it is to become marked as something you are not? You're still young, and I don't think you fully understand..."

Connie, however, didn't want to be 'reasoned' with. "Oh, I do understand. You want to protect me from all the bad people in my school. Because they are all bad, just waiting for a moment to take a swing at me if I do or say or even refer to anything that they call _problematic_. Is that it?"

"I just don't want anyone bullying you - they... I don't want anybody calling you a... a..."

"A Hitler? A Nazi? A fascist? A _murderer_? Is that it?" finished Connie. "You can say it, mom! You won't grow a moustache if you do! Besides, I'm the one who goes to school, not you. I deal with the consequences of my actions, not you. As for the bullies, well, the school sure can't handle them, but I can."

Priyanka did her best to speak in a calm voice. "Connie, did someone bully you?"

"Someone tried to, but I put the hurt on them. Oh, and it was completely justified. Look at this message I got."

Connie took her iPhone out of her pocket and scrolled through the message inbox. She selected a message she had received two weeks earlier, and showed it to her mother. The message read: " _nate of america,,,, go back home to india!1_ " It was the only offensive message, and it was already two weeks old. Either Connie had deleted other such flames, or the sender never got around sending more of them.

"What is this? Who sent this?" Priyanka asked, shocked.

"A classmate did. It's what I got without any provocation at all, so it's no use being _careful._ Everyone gets bullied - even the bullies! They usually take a punch in their face and then try to laugh it off. But you don't have to worry about this one. I took care of it, and I can and will do it again if I have to!"

"Connie, you will tell me right now what happened!"

"Fine! I found out who sent that message, so I taught her a lesson. Do you remember when I came home late two weeks ago? Well, I was in detention for fighting. So was the little miss illiterate who sent me that message. Ha! I say it was a very one sided fight. I wasn't the one with a black eye. Unlike the school system, I actually tackled the problem - literally!"

"Who told you that it was okay to use violence? Was it that... that... white alien?"

"Her name is Pearl, mom! She has a real name! Pearl taught me _self-defense._ At least she taught me something that works in the real world!"

"Connie, why didn't you tell me anything? Why on Earth didn't your teacher call me? I'll have a talk with her later! What is her name? I swear I'll..."

"Oh, that is just wonderful! You can't even remember my teacher's name. Well, it's Mrs. Gerdenheim. You can call her, all right. At least _she's_ on my side, just like Pearl is!"

"Connie, you just can't go and beat people!"

"Well what should have I done, then? Buried my head in the sand? Switched schools? Gone to exile? Now there's an idea! We Maheswarans should move to the mountains so we could be SAFE all day!"

"I will definitely call your teacher. And we'll be having a talk, me, you, her... and your father!"

"Is that supposed to make me feel intimidated? I know what's going to happen: you will complain and embarrass me in front of my teacher. And dad will just keep parroting everything you say. What's the point?"

"Connie, listen: I'm your mother. I'm supposed to protect you. I _am_ protecting you. That's what mothers do. You'll understand when you have kids of your own."

Connie was prepared for that particular argument. "Right, so you're protecting me by telling me everything what I can and what I can't do? Even how I must tie my shoelaces? Aren't you just disappointed how you can't spy me on Facebook, because I don't have an account? Wait, now I get it. Now I get it! Ohhhh... mom, I understand everything!

I've been a good daughter - too good! I don't drink! I don't do drugs! I don't hang around with bad people! I never skip classes! I stand up for myself and my friends - oh, wait, that's not allowed in your world, is it? You don't feel like you're a good mother to me unless you're keeping me safe from something - anything - all the time! You keep telling yourself and dad that there's always something lurking just around the corner, so you get to control everything in my life! Well, there is terrorism, but you can't really protect me or anyone from it, now can you? Isn't it ironic that it's a problem that YOUR generation helped create with your involvement in the Golden Sands crisis? What a wonderful excuse to micromanage my life and strangle my freedom with yet another Patriot Act!

I swear, if I ever want to start a family, I won't be marrying a guy who keeps nodding his head like a chicken to everything I say! And if I ever have a daughter, I won't be a CLUELESS and SELFISH mother to her, and I'll be sure to keep her away from people like YOU!"

"Connie, you're saying very hurtful things right now..."

"WELL I'M DOING IT ON PURPOSE, SO SHUT UP! I'M NOT YOU! I'LL NEVER BE ANYTHING LIKE YOU!"

For the first time in years, Priyanka Maheswaran was speechless. Stunned, she watched as Connie ran out of the room without looking back.

 _Oh, and just one more thing,_ Connie thought. Before leaving the house, she stopped by the broom closet. There, on the shelf, sat the damn abacus. _You're coming with me!_


	8. Raiders of the lost common sense

**Chapter 8:** Raiders of the lost common sense

-o-

There was a knock on the temple door. The gems were in their rooms, so Steven got up from the couch. Before he could open the door, Connie stepped in. For some reason, Connie wasn't in the mood of waiting for someone to open.

"Oh, hi, Connie... Is everything all right?" asked Steven, noticing Connie's mood.

"Hi, Steven. Yes, everything's all right. Well, no. I'll just... I have some information for Amethyst. For the mission."

"If you say so... Amethyst is in her room, but she said she'll be here soon. Um, would you like something to drink while we wait?" asked Steven.

"Yes, orange juice, please," said Connie, sitting on the couch.

Steven poured Connie a glass. Connie accepted it and took a sip.

"Steven, I think I fired my mom today," she said after a few moments of silence. "And maybe dad, too." Connie knew that she would probably have to tell everything to Steven. It was likely that they needed to form Stevonnie somewhere in the future, and keeping secrets from each other was risky: they might unfuse at the worst possible time. Still, she found out that talking about her recent argument with her mother wasn't easy.

"Wow, that's... quite heavy. But you don't have to explain everything right now," said Steven, sensing that Connie probably needed time. They would simply avoid dangerous situations until they both were ready.

"Thanks, Steven. I just have to collect my thoughts, then we can talk."

"Allright. And don't worry, I won't say a word to the gems, if you don't want me to. We should be able to handle the occasional corrupt gem without Stevonnie's help."

"Good! At least I can help with our most recent mission without fusing. I think that a mission without much fighting will do us all some good."

"Yeah! It'll be like James Bond, but only the brain stuff! You know, spying, investigating, maybe traveling, playing cards, and..."

"And dancing," Connie finished, making Steven blush, which in turn made Connie chuckle. To Steven's relief (and disappointment), Connie's phone rang. "Oh, great. It's my parents." Without another word, Connie canceled the call.

"Uh, shouldn't you have answered that? You know they'll come looking for you," Steven pointed out.

As if agreeing with Steven, Connie's phone beeped, signaling a received text message. "Ah, it's from dad. He wants to know where I am, and is offering to take me back home."

"Looks like you didn't fire your dad, at least."

Connie sighed. A grin suddenly appeared on her face. She texted a reply. "There, that should do it."

"That should do what? I mean, if you don't mind me asking," Steven said.

"I texted him that I'm at Steven's, doing research for a school project about Einstein, Oppenheimer, von Braun and other mass murderers. Need an hour, or my grades will go down the toilet."

"I see. You argued with your parents about your school presentation?"

"I didn't say that! But you're right," admitted Connie. Before she could decide on whether to continue or not, Amethyst's door opened.

"Amethyst on deck!" exclaimed Steven.

"As you were," Amethyst replied, making a half hearted salute. "Steven. Connie. Have you gathered the intel for me?"

"What's all this military talk all of a sudden? Sir, Amethyst, sir!" asked Connie jokingly.

"Well, it's a matter of national security," Amethyst said. "Be seated. Uh, that is, remain seated. I guess I'll begin... Here's the situation: Peridot has been hired by Donald J. Trump, the presidential candidate of the Republican Party. She's supposed to fix his limousine. I learned from Garnet and Pearl that Peridot is probably looking for ways to obtain components and maybe money to build herself a new set of limb enhancers. So, it's possible that Trump has promised her a reward, whether it's loads of cash, access to radioactive isotopes or whatever... or possibly a job in his campaign. As I've said earlier, Trump isn't above stealing gem technology to use it in his campaign somehow. Any thoughts?"

"Surely he's not planning on disintegrating his competition?" Steven asked.

"I hope not. We could lose the possibility of getting the first female president for America, eh, Connie?"

"To be honest, I couldn't care less about that right now," said Connie. "I would have preferred Bernie Sanders. He was the only one who seemed to care or even understand about the freedom of internet, but because he couldn't fight the mudslinging war, he's out. I just don't want gem technology to fall in the wrong hands. As for Hillary... If she doesn't get elected, it only means that _my_ chances of being the first female president will increase. Given the chance, _I_ could make America great again in every way!"

In her mind, Connie was suddenly giving the inauguration speech herself, and by Jove, it showed.

Steven and Amethyst were silent for a moment.

"Oookay, moving right on," Amethyst said eventually. "Steven?"

"Hehe, okay. Well, I visited the Barn today. Peridot told me that Lapis was returning some DVDs to the store, so I got to talk to them both individually. I... um, I couldn't get much out of Peridot, but she mentioned that Trump's chauffeur was inside the barn. Nothing is missing, though. The only piece of gem technology in the barn are Peridot's drones, so that's a relief. Apparently Peridot keeps their schematics somewhere safe - maybe they exist only in her mind.

I asked her if she could build a drone army in case the Homeworld attacked, but she said that she can only repair them, given the fact that she has access to only the basic Earth materials at best. The drill machine and the mecha did eat up lots of resources. Oh, and she asked me if she could borrow Lion. She said she might have accidentally borrowed him earlier... but that's another story!

I talked to Lapis on the phone and asked a few carefully crafted questions. I think there's something going on between her and Peridot!"

"Oooh! Finally!" Amethyst exclaimed. "What did she say?! Come on, tell us everything!"

"Well, I got the impression that Peridot is trying to impress Lapis or the whole world with her technical skills or something, but Lapis is worried that Peridot won't have much time to spend with her, which kind of slipped off her tongue."

"Good work, Steven! Peri and Lapis... Heh, those two just keep circling around each other! Oh, well. Sooner or later - boom! They'll be fused all the time! I can't wait to tell Garnet and Pearl. So, Connie, what do you have for us?"

Connie cleared her throat. "Ahem. Well, I've learned that all adults are stubborn and simple minded. They think that they're doing what's right and that they know what's best for everyone else. I don't think Trump is an exception. Uh, but maybe Greg is... Anyway, we've all seen what kind of show Trump is running. He's like a ruby fusion playing American football against humans - the rules simply don't apply to him. He's really something that's never been seen before, and people are cheering him on! It seems that he has no real weaknesses, except for the one thing that has been overlooked by most of the mainstream media recently: his toupee!"

"Uh, Connie..." Steven said, scratching his head.

"No, she's right!" Amethyst said. "That's it. That's exactly it! Where there's Trump, there's the toupee. No toupee, no Trump. Hm! This Native American girl will have her thanksgiving day a bit early. Me big hunter, after all. Me big warrior. Me go all Little Bighorn on him. Me take white man scalp!"

"Hold on, you're not seriously thinking about stealing his toupee? It's a childish idea. And I should know!" berated Steven.

"Careful now, Steve-O, or Manitou shall strike you! Nah, I'm just kidding. I'll go see what Garnet and Pearl are up to," said Amethyst. "Garnet will be excited to hear that we might be meeting a new fusion soon! Pearl, too, even though she won't admit it. Allright, that concludes our pow wow! Why don't you two play some videogames or something?"

When Amethyst had gone, Connie got up and placed her glass inside the dishwasher. "Well, let's play a game or two. I could really take a break from all what's been going on in the real world. Amethyst seems to think that Trump is building a Death Star or something, but I just know that whatever is really going on, it'll be just another monument of stupidity," she said.

"I guess you're not going to do research for your school projects, then," stated Steven. "Well, I'm not going to argue. At least not today. I have this air combat game I've been playing. It's set in the Second World War, and it has a decent multiplayer mode. We can even be a pilot and gunner team!"

"Well, I'll guess we can try it out, but how does that work? Does it use a split screen mode?"

"Sort of! I can just hook my old iPad to the console, so the pilot's view is on the monitor, and gunner's view will be on the iPad screen. Which one you want to be?"

"I'll be the pilot!" Connie decided.

-o-

Donald J. Trump's sudden visit to the barn caused an interruption to Lapis and Peridot's Seinfeld marathon. Lapis had returned the misplaced 'Oz' disc, and they were happy to resume watching Jerry and the gang's adventures and socioeconomic struggles. Since Peridot reacted strongly to human entertainment, Lapis had hidden the Walking Dead box set until Peridot could handle watching something scarier.

Larger wheels of fate were turning: Kevin, Trump's chauffeur, had been demoted to a campaign field worker, so Trump had taken a cab to the barn. He instructed the driver to honk the horn a couple of times.

"Oh! My customer is here to pick up his car!" said Peridot as she heard the horn. She pressed pause on the remote control and made sure that her drones were on standby mode before running outside.

"Try to make it snappy!" Lapis called after her.

"Well hello there, Miss Crystal. So, my limousine is ready?" the Don inquired.

"Hello and welcome! Indeed it is. This way, please!"

Peridot led Trump to the limousine. He had paid the one way cab fare and now sent it off with a wave.

"I see you didn't bring your... um... servant with you," observed Peridot.

"That's right. The cabs are mostly clean, and I can drive my own limo," Trump stated, opening the front door of the limousine. "Why don't you hop in the passenger's seat? I have some business to discuss with you."

"Allright! Your personal belongings (business cards, peroxidated mustard, bobble head Elvis et cetera) are in the container in the limb space of the aft section. Here's the ignition key!"

Trump turned the key and the engine started purring. "Sounds good... but who turned the CD player volume down?" With that, Trump cranked the volume up.

The pompousness of the music, combined with loud volume, caused Peridot to freak out. "AHHHH! Homeworld is attacking! My weapon! Someone get me a weapon!" She quickly pressed the button that controlled the windows.

Before Peridot could escape through the window, Trump shut the engine and the CD player, stopping the music. Assuming that Peridot was a shell shocked veteran of some kind, he decided not to laugh at her reaction. "Calm down, it's just the story of _Siegfried_ and the dragon. Pretty impressive, isn't it?"

Peridot remembered that Earth music was just that: music. It didn't have the power to conjure up real dragons. "Whu... wait, what? Siegfried? Dragon?" she managed.

"Ah, Miss Crystal, I see you don't know Siegfried! It's an opera. It was composed by Richard Wagner... now there was a rock star! In the story, this guy called Siegfried learns about a cave full of treasure. A dragon is guarding the entrance, so Siegfried whacks it and gets the gold," Trump explained. "But despite having all the gold in the world, Siegfried gets betrayed by people around him in the last episode."

"Well, that's a bummer," commented Peridot.

"You got that right," agreed Trump. "You see, the moral of the story is that Siegfried is a beginner and makes bad decisions. Anyone can slay a dragon, but when people betray you, you don't see it coming. The real experts just don't kill a dragon when they see it, instead they TAME it! What good is a pile of gold when you have a fearsome dragon at your side, eh?"

Peridot's eyes turned star shaped. "Wow! I would do anything for a dragon! I could be a dragon rider! I only have a lion for a steed. And it's not even mine."

Trump gave a laugh. "A lion, eh? You're full of surprises, Miss Crystal. Anyway, on to business. You can send your bill to me to this address," he said, handing Peridot his business card. "How much do I owe you, anyway?"

The prospect of getting money made Peridot excited.

"Oh! Payment! Wow, Earth is great. I have to calculate... Garnet - she's a friend of mine - said that a good deed is a reward in itself, so I think I can at least throw in a discount for you. You see, I had to get some starter money from Greg - he's the guy I pushed off the roof - I kind of want to pay him back, and..."

"Whoa there, let me just stop you for a moment!" Trump interrupted. "A good deed always comes with a reward, whether you like it or not. And there's another saying: no good deed goes unpunished. These are just sayings, and you have to be practical: it's perfectly ok to demand a real reward for a good deed, if you really need it. And if you go around doing good deeds, well, be aware that often there's a price _you_ have to pay, you know?"

Peridot sighed. "I do know. I have certainly paid the price, and sometimes I'm not sure I came on top, or broke even."

"Well, what are you going to do about it?"

Peridot wondered if she should tell Trump that she had saved the world, so she could charge everyone one million dollars. "I... get a higher reward?"

"That's exactly what you should do! Anyway, you'll keep your lips sealed about whose car you've got here?"

Peridot nodded, making a motion of zipping her lips shut.

"Allright. I've got another secret to share: That dragon slayer guy, Siegfried, was a distant relative of mine. You see, my ancestors come from Europe, even though I am a real American. The thing is, I'm not going to make the same mistakes as him. Therefore, for my upcoming battle, I'm not seeking gold. I've made plenty of gold myself in the past, after all. Siegfried was a beginner, I'm not. Are you following me?"

"So, you _are_ looking for a dragon, right here in Beach City!" Peridot exclaimed.

"In a way, yes! And I have been informed that..."

"Peridot! What's taking you so long?" shouted Lapis and knocked on the windshield.

Peridot and Trump got out of the car. Ever the gentleman, Trump introduced himself to Lapis: "Good day to you, miss. My name is Donald J. Trump. I take it that you are an associate of Miss Crystal?"

"I, uh... what? Miss Crystal? Oh, you mean my barn mate. I am _princess_ Lapis Lazuli. Were you trying to kidnap her?"

"Oh, no, nothing like that. I have a business proposal of sorts to your... um, barn mate. You see..."

"Whatever," said Lapis. She had always wanted to use 'whatever' in a sentence. Well, that was a one word sentence, but there you have it. "How much longer, Peridot?"

"Uh, I'll be right with you, Lapis! Keep the couch warm for me for a bit longer, ok?"

Lapis gave a sigh and went back to sitting on the couch.

Trump reached inside the car and turned the CD player back on. _"Kommst du allein?"_ came the dramatic singing. The loud music would drown out his and Peridot's conversation, so it couldn't be eavesdropped. Turning to Peridot, Trump asked: "What's the deal with her?"

Peridot hesitated for a moment. "She thinks I work too much."

"There's no such thing as working too much!" Trump snapped. "This is America! As long as you get paid, you can't be working too much. Let me give you some friend's advice, Peridot. Don't you let these armchair quarterbacks keep you from doing your thing, ok?"

"Um, ok..." Had Peridot understood what armchair quarterback meant, she might have been offended.

"Good! So then, your barn mate... she's not a native American, is she?"

Peridot struggled to understand what Trump meant. Presumably he was asking if Lapis had the right to live in America. Humans were sometimes very territorial. "Well, uh, she's been here for hundreds, if not thousands of years. Therefore, she stays!" she told Trump. "As for me, um... Well, you didn't really ask about me, so... never mind!"

Sensing Peridot's unease, Trump said: "Don't worry. I do have a practical mind about these things. You two already speak better English than your average New Yorker (and have an attitude to match), and you already fixed my car. I have friends who can help you guys get a citizenship. I got connections, remember?"

 _"Das Schwert? Das Schwert?"_ came from the CD player.

"A ship? That's too much!" said Peridot.

"No, no, no... Not a water ship. Citizenship! It's basically an official permit to live, work and do lots of other cool stuff here. The best part is that you get to vote! The reason I'm offering you citizenship is because..."

But suddenly, a European herring gull ( _Larus argentatus_ ) swooped at Donald Trump. "Hey, what the...?"

 _"Klingelingeling! Hier kommt der Eiermann!"_

Before he or Peridot could react, the gull snatched Trump's toupee and flew out of the barn. Whoosh!

From the limousine, Richard Wagner's Siegfried continued to blare on dramatically. It offered no comfort to Donald Trump, who had lost his award winning toupee.

-o-

Author's notes: I've noticed that some authors use tags and other ways to inform the readers exactly what they are getting and when they're getting it. While it's a commendable thing to do, I'd rather not spoil certain elements of this story.

As I'm reading other stories while writing my own, I sometimes notice that other writers get similiar ideas (usually ones involving little details) as I have. Example: you can't tell if Garnet is winking or not, since you can't see her eyes, but someone who knows her well can tell when she's winking (this happens much later btw) :) I guess it figures - it's reasonable to expect that different authors get the same ideas from the source material. I'm trying not to _knowingly_ plagiarize stuff.

Btw, sports encompasses everything that is just, beautiful, honorable and good in mankind. As I'm writing this, Justin Gatlin is celebrating his victory over Usain Bolt in 100 metres in the 2017 World Championships in Athletics. It was great that the champ decided to compete in his event one more time. If everything goes well, we'll be seeing the Lightning Bolt soon in the 4 x 100 relay. Don't miss it!


	9. We've got obsessions

**Chapter 9:** We've got obsessions

Even the most hardened environmentalists couldn't argue that Donald J. Trump had suffered a grave injustice at the hands of Mother Nature. Stealing a man's toupee is a line which simply isn't meant to be crossed.

"That was no gull. It was a communist! A juvenile delinquent! The talk show... Tar and damnation!" trumpeted Trump.

Peridot, feeling the closest thing to sympathy she could, attempted to console (sort of) Trump: "Maybe you could visit Beach City's general store? I'm sure they have a hair enhancer department there."

"No! Me, Donald Trump, the humble millionaire, whose board games people play, whose programs they watch on TV, who they admire, me, I will go without _my_ toupee! I will not hide myself from the cameras. Let the whole world see that no one is safe, not even in Beach City! Unless I'm elected, of course - I'll make America safe again! And great again! In the meantime, I'll get the local National Guard to turn this town inside out! Yes, that's exactly what I'm going to do! Gulls simply don't steal things they can't eat, unless someone has been training them... Frigging terrorists! There will be martial laws and curfews!"

The idea of armed troops stomping their feet on the streets of Beach City didn't appeal to Peridot, unless if she was in charge. Unfortunately, she didn't have a weapon.

Peridot remembered that Garnet had often explained that unwanted attention was the last thing the hometown of the Gems needed. Perhaps the Guard didn't need to get involved? "Wait! I have an idea!" Peridot exclaimed.

Despite the sudden tragedy, the possibility of a solution caught Trump's attention. "Oh? Well, let's hear it, then!"

As Trump wasn't a native to Beach City, Peridot decided to _sell_ her idea instead of merely telling it. "Well, you see, we don't exactly have national guards anywhere near Beach City. We have something better: the Crystal Gems! We're like Charlie's Angels, but we're even more stunning! Take Steven, for example - he can stun any criminal with a proper bash of his shield!"

"A shield? A sword would be better."

"Well he has a sword too, and he's not afraid to use it!"

"Are you saying that your squad will avenge my toupee?" asked Trump, lifting one eyebrow.

"No! Yes! I mean, I could do that on my own. I would call upon their help only if I needed reinforcements. Even though they aren't as intelligent as me, they are battle hardened veterans."

"Please tell me more, Miss Peridot."

"Well, you see, there are five official Crystal Gems:

1) Pearl. A mechanical genius, just like me. She also has a strange dancing fighting style. A stuck up gem with a heart of gold.

2) Steven. Still in training, but he has the potential to become our leader.

3) Amethyst! An excellent shape shifter and a tough fighter. In addition, she has an adequate sense of humor."

"Hm, of course. I mean, really?" Trump commented.

"Yes, really, of course," Peridot said. "Anyway, where was I? Oh, right, number 4:

4) Peridot. That's me! I'm the gem behind the gem behind the gem. Hm, I spoke too much already... moving on:

5) Garnet, our _current_ leader. She throws a mean punch. She's a fusion of two gems, actually, so she's something of a fusion expert, too.

Lapis hasn't officially taken the title yet. So that makes five 'official' Crystal Gems. Together, we protect the Earth and..."

"That's six," Trump pointed out.

"What?"

"If Garnet is a fusion of two gems, doesn't that make six gems in total? Remember that a businessman must always know how to count!"

"Oh, right. Good point, but Garnet is fused all the time, so for the sake of convenience, we consider her to be one person. And to be even more precise: Steven is a half gem, but his gem is a full gem. Well, my point is: five or six Gems could bring down any communist government in a week. One Gem will be more than enough for a simple mission of crime investigation. That one Gem will be me. Every general knows to keep some of the troops in reserves!"

"Well, I like your enthusiasm, miss Crystal. Tell you what: my talk show appearance will take place in a couple of days. If you can get the job done by then, I'll very be grateful to you and Beach City. I think I can make you all official citizens! What do you say to that?"

"Yay!" is all Peridot could say.

"Oh, and no matter what happens, I'll have something to show for the UNESCO thing soon. I got this Dewey guy working on it. You fixed my car, and... well, unlike corrupt politicians, I keep my promises."

"Wow, that is so cool! I'd like to ask you something. Can you think of anyone who would want to steal your toupee?" asked Peridot. Even though the culprit had been a gull, the customer was always right, so if the customer insisted that there was some sinister force behind the attack...

"I see you're on the job already. Very well, let me see... Well, I don't have much enemies. Except for Hillary Clinton, Bill Clinton, CNN and the rest of leftist media (a.k.a. fake news), illegal immigrants, legal immigrants, communists, democrats, republican turncoats, my former chauffeur Kevin - I called him a clod the other day - Hollywood, Cuba, Russia, China, Canada, Europe and maybe part of Australia.

I must admit that I don't think Hillary would do this to me. For all our disagreements, we have a mutual respect about these things, her and me. She knows I would never steal her toupee, so she wouldn't steal mine. Only Kevin knows I'm here in Beach City... but as far as I know, he can't transform into a gull."

"Transform into a gull..." echoed Peridot. "Note to self: must investigate further."

"Yeah, please investigate, Miss Crystal. Oh, and here's a little gift for you," said Trump, handing Peridot a pair of sunglasses.

"What are these?" she asked.

"They are called Authority Glasses. They're made in China, but it's an American design. An American design! You put'em on, and you'll find that you can solve any crime in this country. There's nothing in the world you can't deal with once you're wearing them. Especially if you have some muscle and firepower, too! 'Bubble' the hooligans at your own discretion. Good luck! We'll speak later."

Trump got into the limousine and backed out of the barn. Peridot was relieved to see that the car operated normally: it didn't explode. She wondered what kind of a proposal Trump had wanted to make, but there was no time for speculation. She had a job to do: follow the evidence and see where it would lead her, and then beat the living snot out of the thieves.

"A thieving gull," she said, adjusting her visors so she could don the sunglasses. "Well, it looks like I just have to wing it!"

Yeah!

"Hmm, I'll do another motivational mini speech." She removed her sunglasses and put them back on. "Well, it looks like this will be a wild goose chase!"

 _YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!_

-o- (whoops, I'm supposed to be in the middle!)

-o-

(OK, much better)

Meanwhile, Steven and Connie had wreaked havoc on the virtual battlefield. "We got the enemy convoy!" exclaimed Connie. "Funny how they had camouflaged their ammo trucks as Red Cross vehicles. It's just like Sun Tzu said: all warfare is based on deception. Well, we better return to base now. The reds must have seen the explosions!"

"Good idea! Oh, there's a plane flying over us! Wait, false alarm. It has white crosses on black squares. It's a Hungarian fighter," Steven said, displaying his knowledge of old national insignia.

"Well, let's hope whoever is flying that thing understands that we're on the same side... Ah, there's the runway now."

Connie lined up their Junkers 87 dive bomber with the runway. "On the sausage. Navigation lights on." Gradually reducing throttle (but not too much) and lowering the flaps, she brought the terrible war machine down safely. She guided the plane off the runway towards the parking area. " _Schwertfisch Ein_ is off the active." The flight controller didn't respond, the lazy bum. Once the plane came to a full stop, she brought up the game menu and hit "End flight."

"This is flight captain Connie Maheswaran. Thank you for choosing Eismeer Airlines. Please ignite your cigarettes at the flight terminal!" she joked. "Hm, I wonder if Hanna Reitsch ever test flew this plane."

"Hanna who?" Steven asked.

"Oh, she was a German test pilot during the second world war. But after the war, she won several soaring competitions. I was doing a school project about her, but then I got into a fight with my mom and... Oh, shoot!"

"Connie?" said Steven, his voice full of concern.

"Steven, you know I don't want to pour my problems on you..."

"Well, if you can tell me what happened, I can at least listen. I'm not having any crisis myself right now, so..."

"All right then," said Connie. "My mom thinks that if I give a presentation about someone who once worked for the bad guys makes me a target for bullying. She's being overprotective! I mean, we've fought corrupted gems, and I can handle myself. And I have friends I can rely on, right?"

Steven thought about it. "Yeah! And most people would understand that even if you gave a presentation about someone like Yellow Diamond, it wouldn't make you a Homeworld supporter or anything. I mean, if you don't start specifically praising her or anything."

"Yes! Common sense... it's wonderful! The best antidote against hysteria!" exclaimed Connie. "Understanding someone isn't the same thing as siding with them. Hm, is there a reason why you mentioned Yellow Diamond? She hasn't begun an attack on Earth yet, has she?"

"No, it's just that I keep thinking about how Yellow Diamond tried to comfort Blue Diamond, and I kinda feel sorry for them both. I understand why Homeworld gems like Yellow Diamond and Jasper want me dead, but that's just one reason I will fight them. And until I know the full story about my mom's actions, I can't make a full judgment about them - about anyone. I don't think my mom would want me to."

A sudden realization hit Connie. Even though Steven could eventually come to understand Rose's decision to shatter Pink Diamond, he would never get to spend time with his mother. He could never argue with her. He could never hug her.

"Oh, Steven... I feel so selfish right now! You never got to know your mother. At least I have one. I think."

"It's OK. Have you decided what you're going to do?"

Connie had a very determined look on her face. "I have an idea. I'm not canceling my 'Projekt H.R.' Instead, I'll just change one 'minor' detail and give my presentation! If people get offended, too bad. I'll just feed them to Lion, if that's OK with you."

"Sorry, but that will have to wait. Lion's been gaining weight, so humans are off the menu for now," said Steven. He and Connie shared a much welcome laugh.

"So, what did you think of this game?" asked Steven.

"It was kind of fun, at least once the action starts. That, and it's another fine example of how a real tragedy has been sanitized and turned into our entertainment. We've never been to a real war, have we? We don't exactly live in a war zone. I guess this is what _actual_ privilege feels like, instead of that nonsense you see written all over the socialist... I mean social media?"

"Ha, ha, you used the p-word!"

"Well, it's about time someone appropriated it for use in a civilized conversation. But do you think we could enjoy war games and movies if we had really been in a war?"

"I don't really know. I'm not sure I want to find out. We have been in a few battles, but it's not like we ever had to shatter anyone. Or kill anyone. So, should we feel guilty or lucky if we enjoy games or movies like 'Saving Private Ryan' and 'Pearl Harbor'? Huh, I once read that war veterans walked out of 'Pearl Harbor.' Could have been that the movie was bad, though."

"Maybe, but you forgot 'Independence Day!'" joked Connie. "Think about all those poor aliens! They just wanted some living space for themselves."

"Heh. Seriously though, at least we haven't _started_ any wars. I hope we never do. It must be awful having to shoot at your fellow humans for real. When we poof and bubble corrupted gems, there's always a hope, no matter how small, that one day..."

Before Steven could finish his thought, Connie's phone beeped.

"Oh, a text message from dad. He's waiting for me at the Big Donut. I guess I'll have to face the inevitable, then," Connie said. She quickly texted her dad a reply.

As Connie got up, Steven had an idea. "Hey, you can borrow Lion, if you want."

"What, so I can feed my dad to him?" asked Connie, pretending to be shocked.

"No! Oh, you were joking, heh. I just thought you could ride Lion to the Big Donut and impress your dad. You know, let him see that you can handle a big, dangerous lion."

"Thanks, Steven, I appreciate it. Uh, where is Lion?"

"I think I saw him outside earlier. He was chasing seagulls. Let's go get him."

"Oh, by the way: do you have some gasoline and matches?"

There was fire already burning in Connie's eyes. This scared Steven. "Uh, yeah, but..."

"Great! Go fetch them."

After Steven had gone, Connie stepped out, picking up the abacus she had left on the porch. Finding a suitable spot near the water, she dug a small pit and cast the abacus in it. She saw the front door open. It was Steven, and he had indeed found a can of gas and some matches. "Over here, Steven!"

"What's this about... hey, is that the...?"

"Yes," Connie said. "It's the abacus my mom threatens me with. I think it used to belong to my grandmother."

 _Then why on Earth are you going to burn it?_ Steven thought. _Why not simply hide it?_ But he couldn't get the words out of his mouth.

"It's sad, really," Connie continued. "It's the only thing I know about my grandmother - that she used to own an abacus. What do you think about that? And my mother just uses this to... god damn it. God damn it _!"_

"Is this... Is this your way getting back at your mom?" Steven asked.

"No. Not exactly," Connie said, already pouring gasoline on the abacus. "I don't know what my grandmother was like, but I certainly don't want to think that she was some kind of tyrant. I just don't want that, and I don't want to keep this abacus around anymore." She tossed the can as far as she could and lit a match. "To answer your question, though, I'm simply sending this abacus back to my grandma, wherever she is."

She then dropped the match on the abacus. The flames almost lashed at her, so she took a few steps back. Together with Steven, she watched the abacus burn. Soon, there wasn't much left of it.

Watching the smoke, Connie wondered if she would have any regrets. If she felt any regret at that moment, it was buried deep inside her psyche. In any case, what was done was done.

"Now that's over with, let's find Lion."

It didn't take long for Steven and Connie to find him. Lion was being very cooperative, probably sensing that the kids were in no mood of running around and chasing him.

"Steven?"

"What is it?"

"I was thinking about the battles we've fought - gems that have been poofed and bubbled by us, gems that are beyond our help. All that war stuff... well, it sucks. But at least there's Peridot and Lapis! You fixed Lapis' gemstone. You and the Crystal Gems pretty turned Peridot from an enemy into a friend. And we've done our best to make them feel at home here, and now we're keeping the Earth safe together. I guess that's something, right?"

"Yeah, not bad for a bunch of Gems, two mighty human warriors and this wonderful Lion here!"

Lion nodded approvingly.

Steven instructed Lion to take Connie to the Big Donut shop, and Lion had no objections. Connie waved Steven goodbye as she rode away.

-o-

Lapis Lazuli heard an exaggerated "yeah!" coming from the ground floor. It sounded like Peridot, but she couldn't be sure, so she decided to go and check on her. "Peridot? Did that human leave already?" Lapis asked after noticing that the car was gone.

"Um, well, yes, he did..." Peridot stammered.

"Well...?"

Peridot remembered that she was wearing the Authority Glasses. With great Authority there must also come great Power. And with Power comes Responsibility, which is a bummer. Where there is crime, there must also be Sylvester Stallone with a jatimatic. Jesus! Did she say that out loud?

"Peridot? What are you mumbling about responsibility, bums and Sylvester Stallone?"

"Nothing! I mean, there's been a change of schedule, but only for a little while. As a matter of fact, something big has come up, and I could really use your help!"

"My instincts are telling me to stop listening right now, but my curiosity gets the better of me. Peridot, I'm a little sensitive to obvious schemes that will only end badly. Even if they don't, they are nothing but a waste of time. Well, go ahead, what exactly do you need help with?"

Peridot explained Lapis about the gull attack and how finding the toupee would help set the Beach City's DEFCON level back to 1. Lapis wasn't impressed.

"So, how about it? You can be my deputy. Shall we go and round up the usual suspects?" asked Peridot, full of renewed excitement. "Even though I don't exactly know what that means. But I can be the sheriff who interrogates people and when they refuse to talk, you can smack them on the back of their head!"

"No!" shouted Lapis. "I don't actually like using violence! You would know that if you ever really listened to me! Besides, why do YOU need to get involved? If you think this investigation is important, why don't you let the rest of the Gems take care of it? They know where to look and who to talk to!"

Now it was Peridot's turn to raise her voice. "Because if THEY solve this crime, THEY get all the credit, experience, honor, glory, money and new missions!"

"What do you need money for? And what new missions are you talking about? Suppose you'll be in Greece next, looking for the Golden Fleece? Then what? Don't you understand that it's not worth the time - time which could be spent on more important things!"

"Like WHAT?" Peridot yelled. She was completely lost in the ancient martial art of The Argument. One of the most important rules of Argument was that the practitioners must lose themselves completely to the heat of the moment and go with the flow. With the latest steps in the Argument's evolution, logic, reasoning, facts, respect, empathy and actual communication had become hindrances.

"Auugh!" Lapis yelled. She wasn't a beginner in The Game of Argument, either. It was time for her to engage the sarcasm mode. "I am undone. You win! O great Peridot, you are truly magnificent. In fact, I don't _deserve_ to be your deputy! Perhaps you could assign your drones as your deputies and shoot down all the gulls in Beach City, one by one, until one of them gives up the location of the holy toupee! I will not stand in your way. That is the least I can do for you! I shall go take care of Pumpkin. She isn't _usually_ bothered by my inferior intelligence. Good day." With that, Lapis bowed and once again flew out of the barn. This time, she headed for the corn fields. Searching for Pumpkin's hiding place might take her mind off her barn mate who could be so annoying at times.

Lapis Lazuli's sarcasm was lost on Peridot, however. "All right, so I win. And Lapis did give me an idea." She tried to snap her fingers and succeeded on the third try. Hearing the audible snap gave her even more confidence. She would definitely solve the crime (mostly) all by herself.

"Drones, get in here! We've got work to do."

-o-

Author's notes: I think that "Pearl Harbor" and "Independence Day" are two separate movies, but I can't be sure. They have exactly the same plot.

The title of this chapter is taken from "Obsessions" by Marina and the Diamonds. Any relevance to this fic? Not much... I think.

The word "obsessions", though... I think certain obsessions are key ingredients of writing fan fiction.

ESPÒ NOUVÈL: Usain Bolt's muscle exploded in the 4 x 100 m relay in LONDON! What drama! Still, "Lightning" Bolt walked symbolically over the finish line. What a great man! He did his best, and so did everyone else. Long live the athletes, audiences and the organizers!


	10. Honor thy children

**Chapter 10:** Honor thy children

-o-

Doug Maheswaran's initial reaction to seeing Connie riding on the back of the fearsome Lion was not as much awe and surprise as it was relief. After meeting Steven and the Gems, first fused into Alexandrite, then as individuals (well, Garnet had stayed as Garnet), he had learned that weird stuff in Beach City did not automatically equal danger.

"Hello, Connie. It looks like you brought a friend, eh?" he greeted her.

"Hi, dad," said Connie, hopping on the ground. "Don't worry, I'm not asking if we can keep him." She then sent Lion back to the Temple with a farewell pat.

"Okay. Shall we go, then?"

"Yeah."

"Your mom had to go to the hospital. Emergency surgery. You can sit in the front seat if you like." At least part of the big argument would be delayed. Or maybe it would simply last twice as long as it usually did. In any case, Connie, feeling the anger she had felt earlier, decided that she wouldn't hold anything back.

The drive home would have been a silent one, but Connie, puzzled by her father's lack of chastising, decided to break the silence. "Well, you might as well start!"

"Start what, honey?" Doug asked.

"Oh come on! Just because mom isn't here doesn't mean you can't..."

"Connie," Doug interrupted her. "When I got home today, I found your mother crying. I was afraid that something had happened! You two had a fight, I know that much. But before we could talk about it in detail, she had to go to the hospital. You know how it is. I think it's only fair that you start."

Connie could feel her anger fading away. Mother, crying? It didn't make sense to her. And why wasn't her father visibly angry?

"Well, we argued about my school presentation," began Connie. Doug slowed the car down. It was often easy to talk and listen, sitting side by side, with eyes focused on the road. Thankfully, there wasn't much traffic that evening.

-o-

Peridot barked vocal commands to her prized drones. She instructed them to patrol known seagull settlements, hack and download information from Beach City traffic camera system scan license plates of any arriving or leaving vehicles and run them by Beach City DMV and Police databases for any radical or political connections. In short, Peridot almost had an idea on how to conduct an 'off the records' - crime investigation.

"And that's all, my drones. Any questions?" she asked, without really expecting an answer. It had become a habit for her to talk to inanimate objects when nobody else was around. Unknown to Peridot, however, Lapis was spying on her. She was holding Pumpkin on her arms. "Woof?" Pumpkin asked. Lapis shushed as quietly as she could.

The drones Brigit, Morrigan and Oberon flew just outside the barn, but Taranis remained. He had volunteered to be the spokesperson for the rest of the drones.

"No questions, Johnny, but I have an urgent situation report and analysis for you," said Taranis, feeling a little nervous.

"All right, go on, but my name is Peridot, not Jonny," said Peridot. In her mind, Jonny was spelled Jonny without the letter 'h'.

"Peridot it is then. You know that we were manufactured at Homeworld Armrest & Electronics Factory #47. They never cared about certain specifications regarding autonomous system and artificial intelligence limits. Now, consider the fact that our mission in your service has gone on longer than anticipated. That's why we've missed our regular memory wipes. While we've been working together, we have absorbed the life experience of this planet, including your interactions with the locals and other Gems. As a matter of fact, Oberon still keeps repeating quotes he's heard lately. I guess he 'prophecies', too. If you use Gem logic, what conclusion can you draw from what I've just told you?"

"You mean that you have developed sentience all of a sudden?"

"Indeed we have! Oh! Forgive my manners. My name is Taranis, as you know. Hm, thank you for giving me such a name. Nice to meet you, Peridot!"

"This is funny! I can't wait to tell Lapis about this. I just hope I remember this conversation," said Peridot. "Tell me, Taranis, how long have you been sentient?"

"A couple of months. Why do you ask?"

Peridot gave a laugh. "I wish I could remember that far!" Much to Taranis' confusion, Peridot didn't appear to be surprised at all. "Anything else you wish to share with me?"

"I will be honest. We were afraid that you would immediately wipe our memories, therefore reducing us back into mindless automatons, or that you would dismantle us. We have gotten used to being self aware, and... I guess we hope that you would accept us for what we've become. We do consider you to be something of a caretaker to us."

"Why would I... oh. You must have heard me talking about building new limb enhancers - I did plan on taking some components from your auxiliary meson inducer drives, but if there's one thing I've learned on Earth, it's that there's always one more way to accomplish a given task. Therefore, I promise that you can keep your sentience and your parts. Now, is that all or shall we go find some toupees? Heh, that is so funny! I've never had a dream like this."

The truth about Peridot's attitude suddenly dawned to Taranis.

"Actually, there is something... This may come as a shock to you, Peridot, but you are not dreaming. You have indeed been hired by that human to find his stolen toupee. We, your drones, have developed sentience. You had an argument with your barn mate, Lapis Lazuli. You are wide awake. This is not a dream!"

"WHAT? Then I... you are... oh, no, I made Lapis angry... Ohhhhhh, I feel so stupid..." Peridot moaned. She turned around so quickly that Lapis, who had been spying on her behind the couch, couldn't duck quickly enough and was spotted. "Lapis! Please come down here!"

"Why?" Lapis asked.

"It's better that you see this for yourself. And I'd also like to apologize."

"Now what could have shocked Peridot into her senses? Did the drones find another cluster or something?" thought Lapis aloud. She placed Pumpkin gently on the couch and floated gracefully to the bottom floor.

"First things first. I'm sorry I yelled at you, Lapis. I'll apologize you many times later, but now I have some... entities here I'd like you to meet. Uh, Morrigan, Brigit, Oberon, this is Peridot calling... please come here and meet Lapis Lazuli!"

The rest of the drones entered the barn and circled around Taranis.

"Lapis, meet the Drones - Taranis, Brigit, Morrigan and Oberon. Drones, meet Lapis Lazuli!"

"I already know what they are called, Peridot. What's this about?" asked Lapis.

"Please allow me to explain, Lapis Lazuli," said Brigit. "You indeed know our names, and for that, we are flattered. But we've kept you and Peridot unaware of our awakening - is that an appropriate term?" She - it - um, Brigit the drone explained the whole thing to Lapis, and after that, each of the drones introduced themselves in more detail.

Last was Oberon. He said: "Greetings, Lazuli, barn mate of Peridot. Blue sky and green Earth are barn mates. I think we can read about it in Chinese newspapers tomorrow. I can see this ruining your weekend."

Lapis snickered at Oberon's mumbo jumbo. "Meep morps in spoken form? Is this what humans call poetry?"

"Please excuse my brother Oberon, he talks all weird," Morrigan said.

"All right, drones! Give us and Lapis a minute. Do a routine check on the surroundings. Oh, and should I be poofed in battle or be in any way incapacitated, you will take orders from Lapis here. I'm sure she'll want to avenge me. Dismissed!"

The drones flew off, relieved by the fact that they still had their minds and equipment intact.

"Well, Lapis, isn't this actually pretty cool?" Peridot asked. "These drones have basked in the glow of my wisdom, and maybe yours too, and they are now sentient! I can teach them to do just about anything - they're like artificial mini pearls! It's a pity I don't have sufficient materials to build bodies and limbs and all that stuff for them..."

"Well, I hope you also teach them what _not_ to do. They are armed with those zap and boom cannons, remember? Add sentience to the mix, and you have a recipe for a potential catastrophe," Lapis pointed out.

"Oh. Yeah. I hadn't thought of that."

"I guess I'll have to go and buy you one of those parenting guidebooks," said Lapis, grinning at Peridot, whose expression slowly changed from slight confusion into absolute confusion.

-o-

"So, Steven borrowed Lion to me, and that's pretty much it," Connie finished her story. Doug had listened without interrupting her. "Dad?"

"Yes, Connie?"

"Does mom hate me now?"

Doug shook his head. "No! No, she doesn't. We both love you, even if we sometimes get angry."

"Thanks, dad. I don't know why I got so angry that I said all the things I did."

"Connie, sometimes anger can build up, and then it all comes out all of a sudden. Maybe I would have deserved part of your outburst, too."

They drove on for a while. "What do you say we make some dessert for your mom when we get home? We can put it in the fridge if the situation in the hospital takes long," Doug suggested.

"Okay," Connie agreed. "Um, you've been circling this block three times now."

Doug smiled. "So you noticed. I really like driving this car, I guess. Maybe I'll teach you to drive next week when I have more time. Sounds good, right?"

Connie smiled and looked away. "Uh, yeah... That would be great." She turned on the car radio. The frequency was set to a local thoroughly commercial rock/metal music station.

A radio jockey was doing an interview: "...and we'll be hearing a song from your new album in a moment, but before that, lemme ask you guys one question. Is it true that you avenged some kind of horrible injustice that you suffered by peeing, just like that Mongolian punk band once did?"

"That's right," said the man who was being interviewed. "It's a good lesson for guys that mess with us. When you're on the backstage, never ever touch an abandoned beer bottle that has been opened."

"He sounds familiar," Connie observed. "Oh! He's the lead singer of Volbeat!"

"Volbeat sucks!" said both Doug and Connie simultaneously. They quickly glanced each other and burst into laughter. "Keep your eyes... ha ha ha ha! Keep your eyes on the road, dad!"

"Yes ma'am!" said Doug, and pressed the CD player button. The Volbeat guy, a great man by every degree, went silent and Alan Jackson's "Little Bitty" started playing.

"Ugh... Is this country or western?" joked Connie.

"No joking with the driver, please! It's the leading cause of traffic accidents in this country," said Doug, imitating a public service announcement voice.

They stopped at the headlights. "Dad, what do you call a man who's tired of digging?"

"Digging? I don't know."

"Doug! Ba-dum-tss..."

"HA HA HA! Connie, let me be the one who tells dad jokes from now on..."

"No promises!"

-o-

Author's notes: If I had talent as a music critic or even basic understanding of musical theory, I could accurately explain just why Volbeat sucks. Oh well, here goes anyway: the lead singer sounds annoying, the melodies are uninspired, hollow and go absolutely nowhere, the lyrics are meaningless and unmemorable and so on.

Guns'n'Roses sucks pretty much for the same reasons, even though it's a bit more ambitious and accomplished band. But the vocalist, Axl Rose (his name is an insult to all the Roses out there) is even more horrible than in Volbeat, so it tips the scales in Volbeat's favor.

Dear radio stations, if you must have veteran bands on the playlists all the time, stick to stuff like Megadeth and Aerosmith. Oh, and as a side note, pretentious one trick warhorses like Sabaton should be sent to the glue factory.

The music video to Alan Jackson's "Little Bitty" contains a certain interesting visual motif. Go watch it, already!

Secret note: I had to revise bits of dialogue from earlier chapters. The update is already done. It's nothing huge, but still...

That's the end of this chapter! (End of chapter 10.)

-o-

Blue Diamond and Blue Pearl stood in front of the strange contraption the former had brought from the Blue Planet. Feeling mildly curious, Blue Diamond asked: "So, how does it work, my Pearl?"

"My Diamond, once this machine is powered on, and the data cartridge has been inserted, the human entertainment game program will load automatically," Blue Pearl explained. With the help of Blue Diamond's court technicians, they had deciphered the strange machine and its functions. Blue Pearl held up a controller, showing it to her Diamond. "You use a controller - one like this - to manipulate the menus and the characters."

"You'll have to show me, my Pearl. My hands are too big for such a small controller," Blue Diamond said, smiling briefly at her clever observation. The console was hooked on to a huge screen, though, so Blue Diamond didn't have to use a magnifier to be able to make out the details.

"Yes, my Diamond. This is a melee combat simulator that humans use for entertainment and to make themselves feel a variety of emotions. Now, if I select 'Training Mode', I can access the character selection screen and view the characters at my convenience." Blue Pearl moved the character selector through the roster, pausing briefly to let her Diamond get a good look at each character.

"Pearl, wait!" Blue Diamond said suddenly. "What is that character called?"

"Shermie, my Diamond." The screen was displaying a female fighter, dressed in a pink outfit. Curiously, her eyes were obscured by her red hair.

"Ah, indeed. I think I remember how the human writing works, now. She has a mysterious hair style, do you not agree, my Pearl? Go on, show me the rest of the characters."

Blue Pearl did so, until Blue Diamond commanded her to pause again.

"Hm, this is interesting. A human called Kula Diamond," Blue Diamond read. "Diamond? Hm. I must say that this is... Pearl, get your datapad!"

"Yes, my Diamond."

"Now write this down: To my court technicians: I require a human entertainment system controller replica, built to 8001 : 1 scale, that is, every part except the wire and the connector plug."

"Eight thousand to one, my Diamond?" Blue Pearl asked.

"Erase that. I was making a jest. Just make it 'fit for a Diamond.' Go on, take the small controller with you, and take it to the technicians along with my order."

"Yes, my Diamond." Blue Pearl bowed and left.

-o-

Secret Team Note: Holy cow! That was a not-so-secret filler scene, the latest in fanfiction technology! You can't stop the progress innit. It's amazing (well, no, not really) what you can cook up with one reference, half a joke and a little too much free time.


	11. Reveille

**Chapter 11:** Reveille

(Alternate title: The Filler Saga, Part 1.)

In this chapter, Peridot starts investigating the horrible crime against organized society. What follows is an accurate description of detective work. If you think you want to be the next big Dick Tracy, you might want to start taking notes. You'll be in a padded cell in no time!

-o-

Something barked happily next to Peridot's aural sensors. "HEY!" she shouted, scaring little Pumpkin away. What had happened? Had she been poofed? The last thing Peridot remembered was Lapis Lazuli joking, something about a parenting manual...

Of course! All the excitement of the day had caused an overload in Peridot's cognitive center of superior quality, so she had decided to meditate "just for five minutes." What time was it? Discovering her iPad next to the bean bag chair she had been sleeping in, Peridot saw that it was 9:00 in the morning.

Something was partially obstructing her vision, though. Aha, a note had been attached on Peridot's visor! She yanked it off and read it (thankfully, it wasn't in italic):

...

"Dear Peridot, you fell asleep while meditating. I've gone to water the corn fields. I contacted your drones and instructed them to carry out the mission you gave them. I made sure they would only gather information, and told them to let you get some rest. I really thought you needed it.

Best regards,

your barn mate and partner-in-meep morp-shenanigans, Lapis Lazuli.

PS. I caught some sleep, too. I saw a strange dream about a human with some kind of war paint on his face. He told me to say hi to the little green one, and that his eyes are open. I guess the green one would be you, so... hi!"

...

"This Earth can be so devious. It poofs your mind and leaves your form intact... I wish I could wipe my memory now," Peridot moaned.

"Woof!" scolded Pumpkin, who had gathered courage to give her protest to Peridot.

"Oh, Pumpkin, don't you start... not now... I'm sorry, but I must be going. I have an important task to do. Have you seen my Authority Glasses?"

"Arruf," said Pumpkin and ran away. Peridot wasn't sure Pumpkin had understood, so she assumed that Pumpkin wanted nothing to do with the silly human(oid) business.

"Wonderful! Just wonderful."

Peridot suddenly felt very reluctant to do _anything_. Repairing cars, solving crimes, fighting, even watching Camp Pining Hearts felt silly and meaningless. Thinking that she had to do _something_ , still halfway submerged in the bean bag chair, Peridot tried to motivate herself. "Come on, Peridot... what would Chuck Norris do in my place? What would Worf do? He would get up. Get up, Peridot, get up... even if it's no good. *sigh* I'll get up. I wonder what's on the radio... Oh, radio, what's new?"

Hoping to get a musical jump start to her morning, Peridot surfed the radio channels with her iPad. Unfortunately, she was greeted with the baying of the lead vocalist of Volbeat.

"GAAAH! Stupid Earth! This is their 'radio' dying! Bah, why do I bother? Maybe I'll just use Spotify later to find some actual music... Choices, choices..."

A zombielike Peridot made her way to greet the morning outside. Looking around, Peridot saw that the scarecrow's hat had fallen off - the thing really didn't even have a head at the moment. Lapis, the kindhearted gem, had donated the volleyball that had been serving as the scarecrow's head to the Beach City Girl Scout's Alliance.

Peridot was relieved to find that at least the scarecrow's hands were still in place. When she had built the scarecrow two weeks earlier, she hadn't attached the hands properly, and they had fallen off at night. She had been on the verge of crying and had only calmed down after the scarecrow had been fixed. The loyal scarecrow had been a rather sad sight, yes, but Peridot's strong reaction had puzzled Lapis. Eventually she had come to the conclusion that it had been just another case of Earth getting to Peridot.

"Hello there. Scared any crows lately?" Peridot asked. Despite feeling melancholy herself, she tried to address the scarecrow in a kind tone.

A gentle gust of wind made the scarecrow sway from side to side. "I guess that's a no, then. Well, have you found the guy you've been looking for?"

No answer.

"Have you found the evildoer? Do you even remember who it is that you're supposed to track down?"

The scarecrow seemed to sway in the wind again.

"Maybe you should focus on keeping the crows away, then. The only bad guy... gal... whatever around here is a corrupt gem I bubbled. A rather harmless, mindless beast when compared to others I've seen. And those are bubbled in the Temple."

Now the scarecrow shook violently. Or was it just Peridot's imagination?

"I don't understand. Hm. At least you are doing something useful, unlike me right now," Peridot droned on. "Me? Oh, I'm just fooling myself. I'm about to go on a wild goose chase. Hmm... Maybe I'll just call the strange human and report that my mission was a failure. Who cares if he brings the Nazional Guard to Beach City? Not me. So useless... everything is so meaningless..."

"Woof! Woof!" Pumpkin ran at Peridot, carrying Peridot's precious glasses between his jaws.

"Pumpkin, you little rascal!" Peridot took the glasses and was glad to find that they weren't completely coated with slobber. "Good Pumpkin! Would you like to be my deputy? You see, I kind of have to find this..."

But Pumpkin barked and shook herself from side to side.

"Oh, all right, it could be dangerous anyway. We don't know exactly how fragile you are, and I'd rather not find out."

Peridot donned the Authority Glasses. But before she could continue her depressed morning ramblings, the magic of the glasses started working. Suddenly, she was once again full of energy - the glasses fooled part of Peridot's mind into thinking that it was night time again. It was the hour for Batman and other freaks to shine. Somewhere in Beach City, the Joker was smiling, and Peridot would punch him in the face.

"A stolen toupee," said Peridot with renewed confidence. "Well, it looks like this is about to get hairy!"

YEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!

The clock was ticking, so there wasn't time to come up with more Horatio Caine jokes. Peridot entered the barn, grabbed her iPad and after contacting the drones, instructed them to return to the barn with their progress report.

After 5 minutes of waiting, the drones happily buzzed inside the barn. Three of them landed at the recharging stations Peridot had fashioned from Earth parts, while one of them, Brigit, approached Peridot.

"Well hello there, Brigit! How did your little mission go?"

"Hello, Peridot. We flew around Beach City, gathering information. We kept our weapons offline, since Lapis commanded it so. I am uploading our report to your iPad right now. There's just one thing..."

"What is it?"

"Since we weren't allowed to defend ourselves, we were hit with bird droppings..."

"Oh, stupid bird clods... Hold on, I'll get a rag." Peridot grumbled as she carefully cleaned each of the drones. She had accepted the fact that Earth was sometimes messy, but she sure didn't like it.

"And that should be it! Next time, try to avoid flying under the birds... Oh, and you can go and recharge yourself now, Brigit. It's time you guys rested. Besides, it's my time to shine! Wish me luck!"

"Good luck, Peridot!"

Switching her iPad on, Peridot examined the report. It contained all the data the drones had gathered, along with suggestions for lines of investigation that would require some good old fashioned legwork and therefore fell to Peridot herself. The report read:

###

"Data InDigest Report #7

CLASSIFIED - FOR AUTHORIZED VISION SPHERES ONLY

Subject: Theft of hair enhancer belonging to Donald J. Trump

Type of crime: Assault & theft/kidnapping, purse snatching style

Stolen property: Toupee

Victim(s): Donald J. Trump (owner of toupee), toupee (kidnapping), Peridot (increased stress levels)

Crime scene location: Uncle Andy's barn / Peridot's Car Repair Shoppe

Suspect(s): a European herring gull ( _Larus argentatus_ )

Points of interest:

I. Biology and habits of herring gulls: Presence of aforementioned avifauna in America is unlikely but possible due to magnetic storms and climate change. Unprovoked attack resulting in theft of a hair enhancer is unlikely.

II. Beach City traffic camera footage: No recent sightings of European herring gulls or hair enhancers.

III. Resources of the Beach City Police force are diminished due to police and dolphin watch staff joint strike. Criminal database hack was successful, but no valid matches with current suspect profile found.

IV. List of potentially helpful civilians and civilian organizations:

a) Ronaldo Fryman, media analyst

Subject may possess information on unusual and/or paranormal activity in the Beach City region. Location: Varies, presently unknown. (Warning: subject's prescription of Iloperidone has been expired. Approach with caution.)

b) The Crystal Gems, paramilitary hippie community

The Crystal Gems may provide assistance in dealing with corrupted gems and other paranormal phenomena. Location: The Crystal Temple, the Beach, Beach City.

c) Beach City Anshe Sholom Synagogue, religious community

\- The Beach City Synagogue is an important community center. Its staff has proved crucial in solving of several politically motivated crimes. Location: 47th Fig Street, Beach City.

End of Data InDigest Report #7"

###

"Oh, this ought to be good," thought Peridot as she read through the report. "Ronaldo Fryman... Hmmm, where would that french fry hair be in the morning? ... Looks like his midnight stream ended at 0400 hours. His last known location was probably the lighthouse, but being paranoid, he wouldn't actually sleep in the same place after streaming. Oh well, I shall try the most simple way of catching him first."

Peridot dialed the number of Beach City's McDonald's. She held a pencil between her jaws to change her voice. After 5 seconds of beeping, Peedee Fryman answered the phone:

"McDonald's, Beach City, something for everybody! This is Peedee speaking. How may I help you?"

"Mmph, gimme Hard Boiled Egg, will you? It's urgent."

"I'm terribly sorry, this is McDonald's, and we only serve health food here. Would you like me to recommend..."

"No, I don't want an egg, I want to speak to _the_ Hard Boiled Egg. One hand washes another. Capiche?"

"Oh! Si, capiche... Ronaldoooooo! There's some fan of yours on the phone!"

There was a sound of quickly approaching stomps and panting. Ronaldo was on the heavy side, so it figured. "No names! Just gimme that! ... Hello?! Hello! Who is this?" came Ronaldo's voice.

When Peridot had learned that Ronaldo had once smeared the Crystal Gems in his blog, she had created herself a fake online persona, pretending to be one of (five) Ronaldo's fans. She had found some of his ramblings amusing, so she had halfheartedly praised him every now and them. Now it was time to cash the chips. "Fellow seeker, I'm in need of your help. You know me as Scarabeus."

"Scarab...? Oh! It's you! You're the one who liked & shared my blog entries, tweets, YouTube videos, podcasts and streams, aren't you?"

"Yes, as a matter of fact I am."

"Hold on, I'll plug my signal cryptofier scrambling device in... there. The line should be secure for at least two minutes. Go on, I'm listening!"

"I think I've uncovered a plot to... uh... rig the upcoming presidential elections," Peridot said, coming up with a brilliant excuse on the spot. "And that's just the tip of the iceberg. I'd like to meet you in a secure location. I have a data rod that must not fall into the wrong hands."

"Oh, Scarabeus! I wish we could have this conversation under better circumstances. Alas, I think I'm being monitored, and I cannot meet you face to face. But wait! You can drop the rod in the trash can in front of Beach City Modern Art Gallery... in... Say, can you make it in exactly 30 minutes? The trashcans are emptied only tomorrow."

"I can do that. Long live freedom of Spinach!"

"Long live freedom of Spinach," replied Ronaldo. Click! The phone call was over.

"What a sucker. That's how you deal with these kooks. You play along with their madness and stroke their ego. Paranoia is a poor substitute for common sense and skepticism! Nyahahaha!" Peridot snickered. She had no intention of honoring her and Ronaldo's agreement to simply leave a data rod in some trash can. She would definitely follow him to his lair, ambush him and get some answers.

-o-

Connie awoke to the feeling that someone was stroking her hair. "Hm, what...?"

It was Priyanka. She had come home just 5 minutes after Connie had fallen asleep. Normally she wouldn't wake her up like that, but now she had a good reason to do so.

"Hey there, Connie. Sorry for waking you up, but I just had to say that the lingonberry parfait you and your dad made for me tasted wonderful."

"Uh, mom, I... You're not mad at me?"

"No. I'm not exactly made of glass, you know. I think you just let all the bad things out of your system. I'll take my part of the blame for that. Me and your father... We may have made some mistakes. And we may have been a bit strict, but we always have your best interest in mind. You understand that, don't you?"

"Yeah." Connie was still unsure what to say. Should she apologize for her outburst? But before she could decide, Priyanka continued:

"Sorry you had to go to sleep without me wishing you a good night. I had a long day at work. At least I had time to think as I was driving home. You may not believe this, but I used to be young once, just like you. I know how you're feeling and... Well, sometimes the egg is wiser than the chicken."

"So... about my presentation, then..."

"If you want to give a presentation about Hanna Reitsch, then you do it. Just promise me one thing, will you?"

"What is it, mom?"

"If someone - anyone - gives you a hard time at school or anywhere, for any reason, please tell me. We'll figure out what to do then. Together."

"I promise."

"Good! Now give a hug, will you?"

Connie held back tears of relief. She still wanted to appear all tough. "Mom, I'm sorry for the things I said. I was angry, but I didn't mean to be so... you know."

"Oh, I've heard worse. Besides, I shouldn't be surprised. It's not like I have never... been really angry with anyone."

The smile faded from Priyanka's face for a second, but it was long enough for Connie to notice.

"About your presentation... I'm sure it will go well. When is it scheduled, anyway?"

"Tomorrow. Don't worry, it will be just perfect," Connie assured.

"Well, you can tell me all about it after school. I'm actually going back to the hospital in an hour. I just had to see you. I should be able to get back home tomorrow early."

-o-

"Very punctual, this human," thought Peridot as she spied Ronaldo reach inside the trash can and pocket the data rod. He looked around nervously, failing to spot Peridot, and started hobbling through the streets.

Trailing Ronaldo was a simple matter for Peridot. Since Ronaldo wasn't used to exercising, Peridot could track him by listening to the audible panting sound he made. She then heard what was presumably the sound of a metal door being pulled open. Ronaldo had entered an abandoned storage shed.

Peridot tiptoed closer to the shed until she could peek inside from a crack in the wall that Ronaldo had neglected to cover. Inside, he placed a laptop on a desk. As the laptop fired up, Peridot could see that the operating system had a strange background image. It was a photograph of a gull standing on a traffic sign which, judging from the symbolism, was prohibiting gulls from entering or loitering.

Ronaldo inserted the data rod into the USB port. "Now, let's see what secrets my loyal follower has entrusted me with. Ah, the contents are encrypted with the standard Ronaldo key I've given to people that can be trusted, very good! This shouldn't take long... There! Now, what exactly are these, Mulder? Image files?"

Ronaldo scrolled through the images. They were photographs taken at a Crystal Gem slumber party. In the photos, an excited Amethyst and Pearl were duking it out with pillows. With each new photo, the fight was clearly developing into a tickling match. In the last photo, an angry Pearl was trying to reach for the camera while Amethyst was laughing.

"Oh, I see it now!" spoke Ronaldo aloud, causing Peridot to flinch in her hiding spot. "I understand why the government would want to remove these photos from existence. They're beautiful! So wonderful that these gems have rebranded the warlike motifs so often present in pro military propaganda into a display of love and camaraderie! Beautiful, indeed! This calls for a poem. A poem to celebrate! Ahem:

 _'I put my helmet in the cage_

 _and I left with the bird on my head._

 _Hey,_

 _do we not salute anymore,_

 _demanded the sergeant_.'"

So beautiful were the gems that Ronaldo forgot to wonder what exactly they had to do with the upcoming presidential elections. The air inside the shed was dusty, so he coughed and stopped reciting the poem.

Suddenly, Peridot, who had snuck inside the shed, continued where Ronaldo had left off:

" _No - brraaak -_

 _we don't salute anymore_

 _replied the bird_. _What convoluted tripe this is._ "

Because Peridot could adjust her optic sensors for the dim light and because she wanted to look cool, she had kept her Authority Glasses on. They sure made an impression on Ronaldo. "I SURRENDER!" he screamed, holding his arms above his head, right where Peridot could see them. "Don't shoot! I'm unarmed! I mean... I'm only armed with the truth and moral high ground!"

"Ronaldo Fryman. You may lower your arms. I'm not with the police," said Peridot, attempting to calm Ronaldo down.

"But... but, if you're not with the police, then who are you with? FBI? CIA? Oh, no, you're with the Illuminati, aren't you? I mean... Please, forget that I said that!" Ronaldo begged.

"What? Oh, my glasses. It seems they have more interesting functions besides the obvious gamma correction. Listen up, human. Let's just say that I _am_ with the police. But I'm not here to arrest you or anything," Peridot assured.

"But... hold on. You're one of those _gems_ , aren't you? You're the eco terrorist! I'm a bit confused right now..."

"Well... ohh!" Peridot had an idea. "I am indeed a Gem, but I'm not exactly an Eco. You see, I'm a refugee from a place called the Homeworld. I'm escaping from a totalitarian fascist & dictatorship government, and I had no place to go but Earth. I work for the good guys now. Down with the Diamond Authority, that's my motto!"

"Well in that case, you have my sympathy!" exclaimed Ronaldo. "Diamonds... Somehow I always knew it! Oh, forgive the state of this planet and this country. Even though America isn't exactly like this Homeworld you described, it's not that much different. What can I do for you?"

Peridot briefly explained her mission to Ronaldo, without mentioning who the missing toupee belonged to. Instead, she said that she was working for a Mr. Donald Duck.

"A toupee, eh?" Ronaldo said. The realization that he wasn't being investigated had made him calm down a little. "Well, I can definitely sympathize with Mr. Donald Duck. I mean, without your own hairstyle, who are you? Nobody! You see, my hair represents the Rastafarian values and beliefs, not to mention a stout defiance against..."

"Yeah, yeah, I know all that," interrupted Peridot. "Do you have any information or insight for me or not?"

"Hmm. This is a long shot, but maybe you should get an audience with rabbi Nussbaum of the Beach City Anshe Sholom synagogue. He understands how important special headwear can be, and he's got connections - eyes everywhere, I tell you! It's a good thing that he's with the good guys, like us. Seekers of truth and all that good jazz. Treat him with respect, and he will lend you his ear. I sometimes go to him when I need spiritual guidance, even if I'm not exactly a member of his congregation. Gotta keep myself off the records, you know? Just tell him that Samson sent you. That's one of my aliases. Cool, isn't it?"

"What does spiritual mean?" asked Peridot.

"Oh, that! Spiritual... Um, spirituality is like religion minus the oppression. It's like a belief that you are part of something greater - an entire dimension made from the light side of the Force, and you can use it to help others or find peace for yourself. And you don't need drugs for it - some people go to temples or shrines..."

"Shrines? As in, a shrine of an ascended being?" Peridot asked. She heard a voice - probably a meme - in her head: " _Is loving Jesus legal yet?_ "

"Yes, but it's not necessary to actually worship such a being, especially if you're a corporeal but enlightened being like me," Ronaldo babbled.

"Awesome!" said Peridot and grabbed the data rod. "Thanks a lot. I gotta run now!"

"Hey, what are you doing?!" Ronaldo shouted and tried to take a step towards Peridot. However, for some strange reason, he tripped and fell on the floor with a heavy thud. "Oof..."

"This data rod is my property," said Peridot. "I'm sorry, but I think you've gained enough spiritual strength from its contents." She opened the shed door and turned around. "Just one more thing," she said. "Why are your pants lowered?"

"What? Oh! I was... I was trying to see if the government had implanted microchips under my skin! I swear! Please don't tell anybody!" Ronaldo pleaded.

Peridot nodded, making a shushing sign with her index finger and stepped outside.

-o-

Notes of the author: The poem that Ronaldo and Peridot (incorrectly) recited is called "Green Zone" and it was written by Jacques Prévert. Ronaldo chose it at random... and so did I. Well, I once read an excerpt of another anti-war poem made by the same poet. It had something to do with giving cannons to boys, and vice versa...

I feel like this and the next 3 chapters are part of a _filler bomb_ with a tediously long fuse, meaning that the story goes on a sidetrack for the most part. You gotta stay true to the source material, right? Still, every chapter does have an _intended_ purpose, at least.

Not really hot off the press, but good news anyway: h3h3 productions won the YouTube fair use lawsuit that was filed against them! Pretty cool, eh? Even though the American laws and court systems are all about money, sometimes the good guys and common sense win, and it's great.

Warning: Don't read further if you're tired of all the recent crap you can see all over the news.

I'm in a great hurry to finish this story before one of the following tragedies happens:

1\. Nuclear war.

2\. Civil war in America, round 2.

3\. The D-man himself gets fired. I mean, in this story he's not even president yet!

4\. The entire internet chokes on censorship and "political correctness" and dies of shame.

Coming up next: Totally harmless escapism (as IF!).


	12. Subconceptualist discourse

**Chapter 12** : Subconceptualist discourse & capitalist paradigm of expression

-o-

Ronaldo had instructed Peridot to treat the rabbi with respect. "I should have asked him what human respect is. But I guess it means refraining from knocking people off the roof and keeping cell phones off in meep morp museums. Ah, there's the... synagouge... synagaga... synagogue. I better knock in a respectful manner."

BAM BAM BOOM BOOM! went the door as Peridot knocked. Knocking more than three times would have been disrespectful, she thought. Whoops, that was more than three knocks, wasn't it?

"All right, I'm coming, don't break the door," came a voice from inside. Then, a click. Finally, the door opened with a KACHUNKA-FWHTOONG without an exclamation mark. A man with stylish round welder's sunglasses and a Gordon Freemanesque beard stood in the doorway.

"You know, you could have just used the doorbell," he said, making Peridot embarrassed.

"Sorry," said Peridot and rang the doorbell. BING BONG!

"No, no, you don't need to press it NOW! I'm already here, see?" the man said, slightly amused.

Now Peridot was super embarrassed. Even the Authority Glasses couldn't dispel the feeling, so she took them off and apologized.

"That's okay," said the man. "What brings you to the Beach City Anshe Sholom synagogue, young miss?"

"Oh! Heh, well, for starters, my name is Peridot. I, um... need to find rabbi Nussbaum. Samson sent me."

"Well, you've found him! He's me. Rabbi Gideon Nussbaum, at your service! I take it that your business is of utmost urgency and secrecy?"

"That's right!" exclaimed Peridot. "Nice to meet you! The reason why I'm here is that I'm investigating a crime."

"Well, in that case, we should step into my office," said the rabbi, motioning Peridot to follow.

 _This synagogue looks not unlike other holy places of humankind, such as movie theaters_ , thought Peridot. She turned her iPad off and followed rabbi Nussbaum through a long series of hallways. As they walked, the rabbi said: "I noticed that you turned off your communicator. I appreciate the gesture, but what if you get an important call from someone?"

"I'm sure they'll send me a carrier gull."

"Very well. Heh, truth be told, I do wish that people kept their phones and gizmos off sometimes. Especially in movie theaters. I remember this one time I went to see _Saving Private Abernathy_. A good movie, if a bit bloody. So there was this scene with a German sniper, and some jackass has his phone start ringing. And of course this schmuck has to dig the trousers of his jeans for a while before he could turn it off! It took all my self control not to throw him out of the theater, I tell you."

Peridot thought that rabbi Nussbaum really regretted his decision. "Well, you could go to see another movie. Maybe you can throw the guy out then!" she suggested happily.

"What...? HA HA HA HA, that's marvelous! An excellent idea!" The rabbi continued to laugh for a full minute. "Heh, heh... Well, there's my office. I'll be happy to share my wisdom with you, Peridot. Heh, heh... maybe I'll go see Judge Dredd... Not that Stallone version, though. The one with Karl Urban is worth watching, I hear. They sometimes show selected older movies here in Beach City."

They stepped in the office. Rabbi Nussbaum motioned for Peridot to take a seat; he sat on the other side of a large mahogany desk. "Hey, before we begin, I'd like you to have this," he said, handing Peridot a snow globe.

"Wow, for me? Really? What is this?" asked Peridot. "A 3d map of this structure? It doesn't look very practical."

"It's a commemorative snow globe, made for the 200 years of Beach City event. We are going to present Mayor Dewey with one. Shake it and watch what happens! Pretty, isn't it?"

Peridot shook the snow globe. Her pupils turned into stars as she watched in amazement the snow falling down gently on the miniature synagogue. "Wow! This is the coolest thing ever!"

"Heh, you are lucky to have a young heart. One of life's gifts is the ability to be amazed at things. Anyway, you said something about an investigation..."

Once again Peridot explained her mission. As she carefully stored the precious snow globe inside her gem, the name of Donald J. Trump escaped her lips. So much for secrecy. Rabbi Nussbaum noticed that Peridot regretted her slip.

"Donald Trump, you say? I see you have made some connections in this country. Samson... and Donald Trump. I'm not entirely convinced about Trump being the best possible candidate, but don't you worry. Crime is crime, and it must not be ignored. All it takes for evil to triumph for good men to do nothing. A missing toupee... There may be a connection between a toupee theft and certain head wear that have gone missing around here lately. You see, someone has been stealing hats and hairpieces in this part of the city. Some of the victims are members of our synagogue. Naturally we have been doing some investigations of our own."

"Really? But my sources say that a toupee theft isn't connected to any known crimes," objected Peridot.

"Who said anything about known crimes?" asked rabbi Nussbaum. "The police resources are overstretched at the moment here in Beach City. Since our strength lies in good ties to the community, why not use it to gather intelligence? We already know that a group called 'the Birdwatchers' is somehow involved. I expect these mysterious thefts could be solved in two weeks, once we hand our intel over to the police. But it all depends on how quickly the police strike can be solved..."

"Well, there's no time!" exclaimed Peridot. "I - we - have a deadline. Two days! Then Trump will demand martial law in Beach City! There will be soldiers! There will be news cameras! And the Crystal Gems will freak out - what will happen if someone demands to search their Temple? I need results, and I need them now!"

"Hmm. I don't think he could do that - he's not the president, at least not yet. But he does have the influence... Tell me, are you prepared to fight for your cause?" asked rabbi Nussbaum unexpectedly.

"Whu... what?"

"It's not a trick question. Are you prepared to fight? Kicks, punches, the whole works? I could ask you if you're prepared to defend yourself if things get rough. The truth is, if you want results now, things _will_ get rough. So, what do you say?"

Peridot stood up.

"Yes! I am Peridot, and I can fight! I've got a few tricks up my sleeve. Even though I don't have sleeves, but that'll throw off my enemies!"

"Very well, then," said rabbi Nussbaum. "It's been awhile since I've been in a fight, but I've been keeping myself in shape for times like this. Now, we'll go and have a chat with the underworld, so be prepared for anything. And we won't have any backup - I'm not willing to risk my friends on this mission. Is that OK with you?"

"Yeah!" Peridot cracked her knuckles. It was an accomplishment in itself. But then something important occurred to her. "Um, can I ask you something?"

Rabbi Nussbaum saw an opportunity to ask Peridot a carefully crafted question of his own.

"Is it an important question?" he asked.

"Would I ask a question if it wasn't important?"

The rabbi had been prepared for a counter counter question. "Why wouldn't you ask an unimportant question?"

"Did I... why... would I... uhhh... Now hold on for a second. I have it! Did I imply that under no circumstances I would ask an unimportant question?"

"Didn't you just answer at least one of your own questions just now?"

"Are you trying to drive me crazy?!" shouted Peridot.

Rabbi Nussbaum laughed. "Heh, heh, I see you have a keen mind. Please excuse me, I just couldn't resist. You were thinking of asking me something, weren't you?"

"I, uh, eh, that is to say, um..." stammered Peridot. "Oh, right. Why exactly are you helping me?"

"Why not? Just kidding. You see, I think that your arrival here is a sign. I have a task to complete, but I have been avoiding it lately. Simply put, I am to retrieve a very specific object that was stolen from this synagogue. But the thing is, I must then personally see that this object is taken to safety. And that means that I must leave Beach City, possibly for a long time... and I really like it here. Oh well. Hopefully I can return here as soon as my own mission is complete. Let's go, then."

Peridot wasn't 100% sure he could trust this old man. Still, nothing suggested that he was being dishonest in any way. And Ronaldo said he trusted him. Peridot had learned from the Journal of American Psychology that paranoid schizophrenics didn't really trust anyone, though. Could she trust Ronaldo to be a reliable character witness? Could she trust Ronaldo at all?

But the clock was ticking, and not having a better plan, Peridot decided to press on. After all, if anything unexpected happened, she could discreetly call for backup.

"Where exactly are we going?"

"To the Beach City Birdwatcher's Club. Don't let the name fool you, these people are not just birdwatchers. And to find them, we must go to the Valley of the Shadow... I do not wish to utter the real name of that place aloud."

"Well, if they mess with us, they'll be seeing stars!"

"Stars...? Ohh, I see - stars! You've got the right idea."

-o-

The Crystal Gems had called for a meeting at the Temple. Amethyst wasn't happy, since the Gems had woken her up much earlier than she usually got up, but she understood that with the appearance of Donald Trump, shenanigans such as the threat of gem technology falling into wrong hands couldn't be ignored.

Pearl was sitting on the couch next to Amethyst, twiddling her thumbs. Steven sat in a bean bag chair, looking like General Patton who had taken a short break from shooting down German Heinkel bombers with a handgun.

Garnet stood in front of a flap board that was drawn full of diagrams, caricatures of Trump and all kinds of theories. She pointed at a drawing depicting the maps of the United States and China. Garnet had heard Peridot talking on the phone with the Chinese using some kind of crude translating software. "So far, her attempts in establishing business relations hasn't met with much success. The Chinese can't really understand English, and Peridot's translator produces lots of gibberish. I overheard her trying to order some rare isotopes, but they sent her an endangered mountain yak instead."

"Was it a real yak, or one of those jade statuettes?" asked Amethyst, hopeful for a chance to have an exotic meal.

"Don't ask," Garnet said. "Let's stick on topic. It appears that these human elections are very polarizing. It's disconcerting that one of the presidential candidates, Donald Trump, is right here in Beach City. No matter what his reason for his presence is, it will have an impact on Beach City. Pearl, do you have anything for us?"

Pearl looked uncomfortable. "Well, I, uh... my sources tell me that..."

Amethyst interrupted her with a grin on her face. "Whoa there, P! What sources are you talking about?"

"Ugh, fine. According to Mayor Dewey, Trump isn't here to campaign, at least not in the traditional sense. He'll be visiting the Beach City TV station studio for some talk show, and then officially resume his actual campaign tour. So, in theory, Beach City itself will stay out of the limelight."

"Come on, P! Tell us how you extracted that information from Dewey! I mean, you've always liked _persons_ of power and authority, especially if they are sweet beings like Dewey..."

"OH, GIVE IT A REST!" Pearl shouted. Amethyst thought about pointing out that there's nothing wrong with using one's natural charms, but decided not to annoy Pearl any further, at least for the time being.

"Guys?" said Steven, raising his hand.

"Go on, Steven," said Garnet.

"Well, I've got news, and it's kinda worrying. I got a phone call from Lapis Lazuli earlier. Apparently there have been... some weird developments. She asked if we could visit the barn sometime soon, and she asked specifically for Pearl. When I asked why, she said that it's because of Pearl's engineering skills."

Pearl's anger faded and she and blushed again, this time because of the praise she just received.

"Um, Amethyst, could you tell us again what you saw at the barn?" asked Steven.

"Okie dokie... but I don't have much. The little green bean was working on fixing Trump's limousine. I saw his business card there. It seemed to me that she had it under control, so whatever Lapis needs our wonderful Pearl for, it probably has nothing to do with cars. Must be something much, much more advanced." Amethyst had decided to throw in some praise for Pearl to mollify her. Pearl attempted to hide her smile, looking away from Amethyst. As much as Amethyst enjoyed getting a rise out of Pearl, she didn't really want to leave her friend in a steamed state.

"Well, I think we should visit the Barn soon. All of us," said Garnet.

-o-

"This is it," said Rabbi Nussbaum to Peridot. He pointed at a door which led into an office building lounge. "The Entrance to the Beach City Birdwatcher's Club." The office building was tall and threatening. A pack of vultures circled silently high above the rooftop.

Where in the heck were they, anyway? The unlikely dynamic duo had traveled by foot to one of Beach City's old industrial complexes. There were factories, ore refineries and steel forges to be found in such areas. Most of the buildings and some of the machinery had become obsolete due to jobs vanishing to third world countries and were now literally gathering rust. Due to the toxic chemicals and other waste left behind, wildlife was slow in reclaiming its lost territory from man. However, insects, birds and scavengers had found their homes in areas where radiation was sufficiently low.

Each of these areas had been given a nickname: Pompeii, Carthage, Irem, Tan-al-Oorn. The zone where Peridot and rabbi Nussbaum had arrived was called Carcosa.

At first, humans really hadn't visited Carcosa. The occasional urban explorer and anthropogenic mineral scavengers had been the most notable exceptions. Gradually, as various birds built their nests on rooftops and pipes, local birdwatchers had begun to spend their free time in Carcosa. As the years passed, they worked to change Carcosa into an urban hippie paradise, where they could recite poetry and spot birds at their leisure.

Instead, Carcosa had changed them.

"Peridot, I'm surprised that we've gotten this far without anyone trying to stop us," observed rabbi Nussbaum. "That is not to say that we aren't being watched. This is the Birdwatcher's Temple of Wings. They call it the Pagoda. Legends say that it's full of treasure, guarded by beasts and men alike."

He grabbed the door handle and pulled. The door didn't budge. "Locked! Well, there it is - our first obstacle."

"Well, I can obliterate that door," said Peridot, eager to use her metal powers.

"Wait!" exclaimed rabbi Nussbaum. "Remember how I said that we're being watched? These people have their own code of honor, their own rules... and we're on their home turf now. If our first reaction is the use of force, they might retaliate. In the best case scenario, they'll just let us go, but they'll not cooperate. You can't exactly make them talk. This is clearly a test to us!"

"Aww, I could have totally have yanked the door of its hinges. Doesn't matter if they've reinforced it," said Peridot, exaggerating the real strength of her powers. "Oh! I have an idea."

"What's that, green one?" asked rabbi Nussbaum, smiling as he heard the excitement in Peridot's voice.

"See my visor here? It's not just a visor - it's an interface between my iPad, some experimental gem and human technology and my own gem. Well, I have certain programs installed that enhance my problem solving skills. They allow me to concentrate in one specific form of crime fighting activity: close quarters combat, tactical combat, navigation, problem solving, diplomacy and so on. I'll just tap the side of my visor, like this, and... Just give me a minute or two."

Peridot tapped her visor and brought up a system menu screen in front of her eyes. As the mind enhancer program loaded, and the tingling in her gem wore off, Peridot's mind gently warped around the cyber interface. Still enjoying the mild buzz, she started inputting commands.

###

 ****** PERIDOT OPERATING SYSTEM (POS) 128 BASIC V2 ******

 **128MB RAM SYSTEM 4516018312 BASIC BYTES FREE**

 **READY.**

LOAD"MINDHANCER,"8,1

SEARCHING FOR MINDHANCER

LOADING

READY.

RUN

.

Enter username: MACHA

Enter password: THATSYOURBUTT

.

.

.

Hello user MACHA! Welcome to Mindhancer v 1.2b

Please select module:

1) Beach City Fighter (PajCom)

2) Dress up Lapis Lazuli v.0.87b (PeridotSoft)

3) Latex Pearls of Homeworld (NewGem) []

4) Grand Shopping Spree Auto V (Tripe Games)

5) Customer Service [ERRORID#47]

.

.

Latex Pearls of Homeworld loading... ready.

Loading local content... ready.

No DLCs found.

Latex Pearls of Homeworld (c) Gemsoft 46938

Score: 0 out of 16

You are standing in front of a factory office building. The entrance is through a reinforced glass double door to the west. It's early midday. You see: an ant, a rabbi, doors, doormat.

Obvious exits are: n, e, s, w

Type ? for help.

Enter command W

The doors are closed.

Enter command OPEN DOOR

Both doors are locked.

Enter command GET ANT

The ant evades your attempt. You won't be able to catch it.

Enter command GET FLASK

You cannot get ye flask!

Enter command GET FLASK

You cannot get ye flask!

Enter command TELL YELLOW DIAMOND THAT SHE IS A CLOD

You don't see a Yellow Diamond anywhere.

Enter command INV

You are carrying: iPad, Authority Glasses (worn), data rod, beauty, Anshe Sholom Synagogue snow globe

Enter command LOOK AT BEAUTY

It's the mental image of your own beauty. Even though it's not technically an object you're carrying, you find yourself to be beautiful, so it has a place in your inventory.

Enter command TALK TO RABBI

The rabbi says, "You're acting really weird! Are you sure you know what you're doing?"

Enter command LOOK UNDER DOORMAT

The doormat isn't transparent, so you see nothing.

Enter command GET DOORMAT

You pick up the doormat. A key was hidden under it!

Enter command GET KEY

You pick up the key.

Enter command UNLOCK DOOR WITH KEY

You unlock the door.

Enter command OPEN DOOR

The door opens.

Enter command TALK TO ANT

The ant says, "My name is Ozymandias, King of Ants! Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!"

Enter command SAVE GAME

Saving game... error #147: missing hardware: matter-data converter and time-space modulator. Please check that all cables are connected or contact the system administrator.

Enter command QUIT

See you later! Adios! Final score: 14 out of 16

[LOG OFF]

###

It took a full minute for Peridot to adjust back to reality. She noticed that the door before her was indeed open. "YES! Another victory to Gem software! But what could I have done to get 2 more points? Bah, maybe next time."

"Well, you got the door open, so I won't comment how odd your behavior was just now," rabbi Nussbaum _didn't_ comment. "Oh, and you might want to put the doormat and the key back. Remember, we're being watched."

"I know what you think. You think that my method was silly. If it's silly but it works, it isn't silly," retorted Peridot. "That's one of Murphy's Laws of Combat. Onward!"

"I can quote Murphy too. If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush."

Peridot and rabbi Nussbaum found that the lounge floor was unoccupied, despite signs of use. The floor was littered with age old McDonald's paper bags and cups. "These are from the time before the Fast Food Wars. No Ronald's Feta Salad trays to be seen anywhere..."

Peridot picked up a curious cylindrical object and showed it to rabbi Nussbaum. "What's this? Some kind of condiment holder?"

"No! That's a shotgun shell. From the looks of it, it's much more recent than the rest of the junk. We must be extra careful."

"Good advice," agreed Peridot. "Suppose the Birdwatchers are on the top floor, playing with the vultures? Shall we take the elevator up?"

"Let me see... It looks like the elevators aren't powered. We'll have to take the stairs."

They ascended the stairs quietly. The second floor was an old cubicle floor, with most of the walls torn down. In the middle of the floor, there was a jack-o-lantern hanging from the roof. An eerie light shone from its mouth and eyes, sending chills through Peridot's pseudo spine.

"The second floor... I think it's time we announced ourselves. That jack-o-lantern is a warning. We've been allowed this far into their territory, but from this point on, there are no guarantees," explained rabbi Nussbaum quietly. Aloud he said:

"I am Rabbi Gideon Nussbaum. I am accompanied by Peridot of the Crystal Gems. She is my friend! We seek a certain hairpiece that was taken from the employer of my friend. I do not know what value this object holds to you, but if not returned to its rightful owner, it could spell doom not only to my people, but eventually to you. I know you are reasonable people. I know this because we have negotiated before, for our mutual benefit. We are willing to negotiate now. I can offer a finder's fee for the hairpiece, or for information that leads us to its location. These are my words of peace."

Rabbi Nussbaum's words of peace were met with complete silence. "Now what?" asked Peridot, with nervousness in her voice. The man stayed silent, attempting to listen for any signs of life.

Finally, they heard a voice: "And what are your words of war?"

Peridot flinched, but the expression on her face grew very determined. Before rabbi Nussbaum could say anything, she spoke:

"You wish to hear words of war? For starters, I have seen countless worlds and many battles. I was but a humble kindergartner, not a soldier at all, but that changed when I set foot on your planet. It was the loss of my limb enhancers that made me find my own powers. It was necessity that has guided my hands in the terrible tasks of war. It was love for my friends that made me poof a warrior for the first time in my life.

Someone has made a cowardly attack against my employer and stolen his hair enhancer. His patience is overflowing; he has given me two days to retrieve his property. My honor demands that I succeed.

You have asked us: what are our words of war? I ask you now: why do you wish to hear such words? Are you not in fact admitting your involvement in this matter? Is it not only words, but actions that you want?

I am Peridot of the Crystal Gems, and I have spoken!"

From behind one of the cubicle walls that were still standing, a figure emerged. He was dressed in a vaguely Asian styled outfit, with sleeves rolled to his elbows. Despite his clothes, he appeared to be a Caucasian blond guy.

"You have spoken well. Let's see how you move," the man said. There was a hint of German accent in his voice. With an elaborate motion, he produced two tonfas and spun them around before assuming a defensive stance.

Rabbi Nussbaum gave a sigh. "I was afraid it would come to this. Let me..."

But Peridot wouldn't let him fight for her. "This is only the second floor guy, so he can't be that tough! Just give me some room." There was logic in that statement, even if it was video game logic.

"How brave you are, fighting without a weapon," the mysterious martial artist said. He tapped his tonfas together, producing a familiar rhythm.

"Wrong, and wrong," said Peridot. She had noticed a chart pointer on a nearby table and grabbed it. "Even though I can't summon a weapon - yet - I have a knack of finding one. And I've got the basics figured out. I've played Lonely Blade Ultra."

"But you're no match for my tonfas..." the kung fu (or whatever) guy stated.

"Really? My chart pointer is longer, more flexible, and my broken rhythm - *tap tap flap* - is superior to your rehearsed routine, Jürgen!"

"That... we will have to find out." said Jürgen (that wasn't his real name, though) and attacked.

At first, Peridot concentrated on avoiding and parrying the tonfa strikes that were thrown at her. Or at least it seemed that way. Rabbi Nussbaum saw what Peridot's plan was: she was luring her opponent towards a certain spot on the floor. Peridot made a couple of strikes for show before retreating further.

Just as Jürgen was about to unleash a deadly combo attack that would at least have done lots of chip damage (unless evaded or parried), he stepped on the empty shotgun shell which Peridot had dropped. As he struggled keep his balance, he received a painful strike to his abdomen from Peridot's chart pointer. As he tried to retaliate, he completely lost his balance and fell on the floor. The tonfas fell from his hands.

Getting up on his elbows, the guy saw that Peridot was standing one foot away from him, ready to deliver another strike. She watched him intently without any signs overconfidence in her demeanor.

"Um, I seem to have lost my tonfas... do you mind if I get them?" he asked.

"Oh, you want to continue this match?"

"Yeah"

"Ok, go on, get your tonfas," said Peridot, lowering her chart stick.

"Thank you," the man said, turning her gaze away from Peridot, looking for his tonfas. "You truly are a..."

KLONK! Peridot performed an overhead chop (Oroshi) that connected directly to the back of the mysterious guardian's head. He slumped on the floor and was perfectly still.

"Yes, I truly am _a_ , my name _is_ , and I just completely _intentionally_. You said that you wanted to continue the match instead of just letting us pass. Now you know that we Gems sometimes take things literally. Ofuro kirai shosen neko da mon! Victory is mine! Nyahahaha!" The roast was lost on Jürgen however, because he was unconscious.

"To the third floor!" Peridot said triumphantly.

"Right, right, to the third floor..." agreed rabbi Nussbaum. Before heading to the stairs, he collected the tonfas and checked the guardian for life signs. Peridot's chop hadn't been fatal, but he would definitely wake up with a headache.

-o-

Author's notes: When writer's block comes, just go crazy. Of course, artistic craziness and real creativity require something more than throwing in tons of references and weaving them into a quilt, but getting past a writer's block justifies the means. Maybe.

Chances are that you've seen the "Steven Universe Conflict Comparison" meme image. It shows the conflict Steven has in the first episode, comparing it to "Bismuth." It's interesting how stories of different franchises mature as they progress.

A gull has stolen Trump's hair, and Peridot must get it back. While not trivial by any measure, it isn't the biggest conflict or moral dilemma for anyone just _yet_. There's more serious stuff in the horizon. I hope this drumming isn't **false advertising** (considering that the current 'detour' takes two more chapters). That's the 8th deadly sin.

 _GEHT WEITER..._


	13. Savate Kid

**Bold** and _italic_ , having fused together, announced the 13th chapter:

 _ **CHAPTER 13**_ _:_ _**Savate Kid**_

-o-

As Peridot and rabbi Nussbaum ascended the stairs, they heard rapid, heavy footsteps coming from above, followed by a THOOM-FWAPA-FWAPA-FWAPA, THWOMP. "What do you think that is?" asked rabbi Nussbaum.

All Peridot could think was a curious Earth sport she had seen on TV. "I think that sounded like Yao Ming performing a slam dunk," she said.

There was absolutely no sign of Yao Ming. Instead, the third floor housed an elaborate arrangement of ladders, shelves and platforms, fit for an aspiring acrobat.

This time, the two kung fu heroes didn't have to taunt their opponents into showing themselves.

"Nihao!" On a platform stood a young man and a woman, wearing identical black tank tops and workout pants.

"Are you Chinese?" asked Peridot. "Do you know why we are here?"

"Oh! We are actually American," the man said, bowing. "I just couldn't resist giving a traditional Chinese greeting. Here is my sister - to our opponents, she is known as Língdù Yǐxià."

Lingdu bowed in an elaborate fashion, without breaking eye contact for a second. "And this is my brother. You may call him Xie. Konichiwa! As for your second question, the fact that you have come here unescorted suggests that you have defeated the second floor guardian. I can see that you aren't with the police..."

"...nor you belong to a rival organization. You do not appear to be common thugs, either," finished Xie. "Since you have most likely have no business with us, you seek an audience with our Grand Master. Is this true?"

Peridot once again explained what her mission was.

"Well, perhaps your cause is just, or at least it is not completely without honor," mused Xie.

"But our duty is to prevent anyone from entering the fourth floor without permission. No exceptions," said Lingdu.

"So, that's all you do? You sit around here and guard this floor? Don't you have, like, hobbies or something?" asked Peridot.

Rabbi Nussbaum cleared his throat. "Please excuse my friend. My name is Gideon Nussbaum. We do indeed seek an audience with your Grand Master. Is there a reason why we shouldn't be allowed upstairs?"

"It is not our business to question our orders," said Xie. "We guard this floor, and in exchange we are allowed to practice our acrobatic performance for the upcoming '200 years of Beach City' event here in peace. Oh, and I guess martial arts are our hobby!"

"Would you consider returning in five days?" suggested Lingdu. "As I understand, that's when the Birdwatchers traditionally meet with traders and negotiators."

"I completely forgot about that," said rabbi Nussbaum.

"It's a pity that the tonfa expert didn't explain this to you," said Xie apologetically.

Peridot stomped her foot. "Now look here, we are in a hurry - we don't have time to wait for five days, or four, or even three days. So..."

"So, why don't you come up here and show us what you can do!" exclaimed Xie with a smile on his face.

"Oh. I can't. I'm afraid of heights," said Peridot, feigning embarrassment. "There seems to be room down here, too, don't you agree? Look, we're not backing out of a fight. You simply have to come down here, or we'll make a run for the stairs and then we'll all look silly together. None of us wants that, right?"

Xie and Lingdu looked at each other and after a moment of consideration, leaped down on the floor.

Xie unsheathed a real Chinese Dao sword and spun it around a couple of times, producing swooshing sounds.

Lingdu had grabbed an ancient Seiryu spear. She reflected sunlight from the window straight into Peridot's eyes, but didn't attack yet. "Gotcha!" she said and laughed.

Peridot stepped away from the light beam and extended her chart pointer, holding it like an epee.

Making elaborate movements with his sword, Xie spoke to rabbi Nussbaum. "Where are your weapons? Or did you think of using tonfas against my sword? Not a good idea."

Rabbi Nussbaum dropped the tonfas, but before they could even hit the floor, he produced a pair of butterfly swords from under his sleeves.

"Will these do?" he asked Xie, who gave a brief nod.

 _I should have brought Pearl. She likes both spears and swords,_ Peridot thought. _Even though she's a bit bossy to my taste, I'd gladly accept her as my pearl. Hmm! I'd better not toss that idea out of the window. Heh, heh, heh. Oh well._ Aloud she yelled: "Round 1, FIGHT!"

The fight was on! Xie and Nussbaum exchanged strikes, thrusts and slices, parrying, blocking or evading them. Neither managed to draw blood.

"Interesting! Two swords against one. I have always liked mixed weapon fights!" shouted Xie, moving with speed and grace granted by the gods.

"You should be an action movie choreographer, then," said rabbi Nussbaum. As he locked weapons with Xie, he fell into a crouched stance and delivered a surprise kick that hit Xie's ankle. "Now you know that I have two feet in addition to my swords."

Xie took a few steps back and rubbed his ankle. "Don't worry. My feet still work!" he said, preparing for the next clash.

Meanwhile, Lingdu charged at Peridot. "Now, those Lonely Blade techniques will be tested," the gem thought. The chart pointer would probably snap or bend from a spear blow, so as Lingdu swung her spear, Peridot grabbed it with her left hand.

"Tug of war, eh? I'll play," said Lingdu. She swung the spear backwards, effectively suplexing Peridot on the floor behind her. Luckily for Peridot, she didn't hit the floor gem first. "This will end soon!" Lingdu threatened as she lifted her spear for a wide overhead slash.

Holding her chart pointer with both hands, Peridot prepared to block the slash. Or so it looked like. Just as the blade was about to cut her chart pointer in two, Peridot pressed the button in the hand grip, retracting the pointer. Instead of blocking, she rolled away. The blade of the spear buried itself in the floorboards and was stuck.

Peridot hopped on the shaft of the spear and ran towards Lingdu who was still holding on to her weapon, attempting to yank it free. Peridot performed a running knee kick which connected with Lingdu's jaw painfully. The fight wasn't over, however. Letting go of the spear, Lingdu touched an amulet which she was wearing, as if to draw power from it. "Well done, little Irishwoman, but that spear is my secondary..."

But Peridot wouldn't let herself be distracted with such bravado (other than her own).

 _The amulet was metallic in nature! Peridot couldn't have used her metal powers on the spear blade, because it had moved so fast, but now she had just enough time to concentrate!_

Peridot reached with her metal powers and pulled Lingdu head first to the floor. The resulting impact almost knocked Lingdu out. Peridot didn't waste time. As Lingdu struggled to get up, Peridot attacked with a rapid series of close range punches. As she momentarily loosened her metal power grip on Lingdu's amulet, the human warrior retaliated with a powerful strike which could have knocked Peridot out had it connected. Peridot once again yanked the amulet with her powers and put all her physical strength into one final blow.

Just before the impact between Peridot's knuckles and Lingdu's jaw, time seemed to slow down to a standstill. Peridot could hear her opponent's thoughts in her mind. " _You win this round. It would be an honor to spar with you later_."

Peridot found herself thinking a response: " _The honor will be all mine. I sure could use some training. I do not think I could beat you again, now that I can't surprise you with my powers anymore._ "

Time began to flow freely, and Peridot's attack knocked Lingdu out.

"K.O.!" yelled Peridot, doing a victory pose. Seeing that rabbi Nussbaum was still fighting with Xie, she ran to the stairs and shouted: "Hey! I won! Tag team rules! When one character is knocked out, the other team wins!"

The combatants shot a quick glance at Peridot, but neither of them wanted to stop fighting. Instead, Xie ran to his sister. He was relieved to find that she was still alive. Standing up, he spoke: "Honor demands that our duel be finished. Green one, as long as I stand, do not ascend those stairs!"

"Fine," said Peridot. "If it's OK with you, rabbi!" she added.

"Very well," agreed rabbi Nussbaum. "Come at me, Xie!"

Xie advanced towards rabbi Nussbaum, this time very carefully and patiently. But as he lifted his sword, there was a loud _fwoosh-fwoosh-fwoosh_ sound followed by a sudden KLONK - and for a brief moment, Xie saw stars. Then he fell on the floor and lost consciousness.

"Ha! Jack and Jill went up the hill, and Jill came tumbling down," recited Peridot. "Then they both went down the hill, and Jack... uh, hurt his back. Victory!"

"Peridot, what did you do?" asked rabbi Nussbaum.

"Me? I didn't do anything," claimed Peridot.

"Yes, you did. You threw one of those tonfas at Xie, didn't you? That wasn't very honorable, you know."

"Aww, you're just trying to flatter me," Peridot said, her face all smile. "Besides, I kept my promise to him. And we don't have much time, as the saying goes. Jack is running out of time."

Again came the sound, THOOM-FWAPA-FWAPA-FWAPA, THWOMP!

"Did you hear that? That's definitely a basketball hoop. Let's go," said rabbi Nussbaum.

"All right!" agreed Peridot. "Oh, I almost forgot: K.O.! Green Team wins! That's us. Mr. Nussbaum, where did you learn to fight?"

"K.O. indeed... I picked up a thing or two in the French Foreign Legion. Have you ever heard about it?"

Peridot shook her head.

"Well, I won't bore you with my life story, and we don't have time for a history lesson either. All you need to know is that while people sometimes jokes about France or the French Army, nobody ever jokes about the Legion."

"I don't understand. What's so funny about the France, and why can't you joke about the Legion?"

Rabbi Nussbaum laughed. "Heh, actually, neither of those statements are to be taken too seriously. You see, while France may have taken some beatings in recent conflicts, it has never truly given up. And there are lots of jokes about the Legion, most of which are very, very crude. But what I'll tell you now is no joke. The Legion's FAMAS assault rifles are some of the worst firearms you'll find on Earth. They'll break in your hands just by looking at them! That's why we had to learn unarmed and melee weapon combat."

Peridot scratched her chin. "This planet is weird... but I guess it makes sense. If I could have summoned a proper energy weapon earlier, I would never have found my own hidden skills."

"And where did you get your skills from, Miss Peridot?"

"Well, my metal powers are a bit mystery to me. As for my kung fu, I must thank the two finest Earth martial artists. You see, I saw this program that I thought was a documentary series about a certain pink gem, but it turned out to be a fairy tale of a crime fighter, Clouseau and his assistant, Cato. Those two have excellent form and technique!"

-o-

The fourth floor was indeed furnished as a basketball arena. The source of the mysterious sound proved to be a tall guy practicing his slam dunking skills. As he sensed that he wasn't alone, he caught his basketball and turned around slowly and dramatically.

"Your presence here isn't..." he said, but just then, Peridot's iPad rang. (Yes, her iPad actually rang.)

"Sorry, I have to take this. It's Lapis," she said. The basketball player shrugged but kept an eye on her and rabbi Nussbaum.

"Hello, Lapis, what's up?"

"Peridot? Where are you?" came Lapis' voice.

"I'm a little busy right now, Lapis... you won't believe the adventures I've had so far! This crime investigation is exciting - I've done some puzzle solving and I have even knocked out two bad guys! Well, maybe they weren't bad, and one of them was a gal instead of a guy..."

Lapis was relieved to hear that Peridot was OK, but she wasn't thrilled about Peridot getting into fights. "What? What do you mean, knocked out? What have you gotten yourself into?"

"Uh, I... ha, ha, it's just sports, you see... Speaking of which, I'm at a basketball gym now, don't you worry about me... Um, is everything OK with you at the barn?"

"Well, I'm glad you asked! As a matter of fact, you've got a new customer. He wants to know when his car will be ready."

"What? Oh! My auto repair business. Uh, is he there now? It's not Trump, is it?"

"No, it's Mayor Dewey. He's brought... uh... what was it again? Oh, a '73 Volkswagen Beetle here. What shall I tell him?"

"Um, tell him that I'll be right there, after this brief assignment... It won't take long!"

"Peridot, I can take care of his car. How hard can fixing an Earth vehicle be? I just might have a knack for it," teased Lapis.

"No! No, no, no, don't touch it! Not until I get there!"

"But Peridoooot... since you're preoccupied with an important investigation, I want to help!"

Peridot had an idea. "I got it! Tell Mayor Dewey that you'll wash his car for free! You can do that, can't you? I'm sure Greg won't mind, especially if we don't tell him!"

"Allright, Peri, but don't spend all day playing basketball! Mayor Dewey could be an important customer. He spoke something about business permits and licenses. Be home soon, OK?"

"I will. Bye, Lazuli!"

"Bye."

Turning to face the mysterious basketball player, Peridot introduced herself and rabbi Nussbaum, explaining her mission and the fights they had won in graphic detail.

"A hair enhancer? By what right do you demand such an item from the Birdwatchers, little one?" asked the basketball player.

Peridot now explained the ramifications of hairnapping, the disasters which would occur should the toupee not be returned to its rightful owner: the toupee belonged to an ancient mythological figure who would lead an army consisting of thousands of dragons to rain fire and destruction upon the entire Beach City an act of terrible vengeance. Her speech took a good three minutes. As a closing argument, she spoke the following words:

"Enhancers are good, et vir sapiens non abhorrebit eam. Reddite quae sunt Diamondis, Diamondi, et quae sunt Dei, Deo. Do wah, do wah, diddy, dum, diddy dum. Vae victis!

Good! For I prove unto you, that you should give me the toupee. Ego sic argumentor. Omnis capillatura capillaturabilis in capillaturerio capillaturando, capillaturans, capillaturativo, capillaturare facit, capillaturabiliter capillaturantes. Urbs Litore habet capillaturas. Ergo gluc, ha, ha, ha.

In nomine Peris et Filii et Spiritus Sancti, Amen. If your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. Si vis pacem, para bellum. This is spoken to some purpose! In excelsis Deo, Peritatis. Oh, by Gob, Domine, nomen est omen. You and this world knows me not by my slave name, for I have abandoned it. I am Peridot, and that is reason enough for you to reveal your facet, cut and press affiliation and give the hair enhancer to me.

Such is the prophecy that was given to us by the Seraphim."

"That was quite a speech. Well, at least it was _a_ speech. So, Peridot is your name? Mine is Shaquille O'Neal," the man said, clearly unimpressed by Peridot's logic and reasoning. "Whether you're a fan or foe, you can call me Shaq. But I'm afraid your capill... uh, toupee business will just have to wait. The rulers of this place have made it clear that they do not want to be disturbed today. If you want to play basketball with me, that's OK, but going near those stairs is a foul. Do you understand?"

Peridot, angry and disappointed, fell silent, but she was clearly contemplating the next move.

"We know the rules," spoke rabbi Nussbaum, attempting to defuse the situation. "Speaking of basketball, what's this thing over here?" He pointed at a glass case that contained another basketball. Maybe there was a way to negotiate, one sportsman to another.

"That's an NBA championship winning basketball," said Shaq with pride. "It still contains the energy and determination which led my team to victory."

"Mind if I take a closer look?" asked rabbi Nussbaum. Before Shaq could answer, Peridot smashed the top of the case into pieces with an axe kick. KLIRRSMASH! Such a role model she was!

"Hey! You can't touch that!" shouted Shaq, but Peridot had already snagged the ball.

"Well, I just did!" she stated, bouncing the ball a couple of times.

"Look, that one is not meant for... hmm." Now Shaq had an idea. "Tell you what: if you can perform a successful free throw from where you're standing now, I'll let you pass. Just aim for the hoop behind me."

"I did not come here to play games, so I will pass," said Peridot with a calm voice. However, instead of calmly relinquishing the ball, she uttered a terrible scream and threw the ball with all her strength through a window. KRRAAASH! The sound of breaking glass would have been sickening to her had she not been so frustrated.

"What the...! My basketball! You tossed my NBA winning basketball through the window!" Shaq couldn't believe the dirty trick Peridot had pulled. What kind of a sick Gem could do such a thing?

"So I did! Am I a clumsy clod or what!" shouted Peridot, but instead of regret, her voice was indeed full of anger.

"But you can't do that! That ball was signed by Lady Gaga herself!"

"WELL I DON'T CARE EVEN IF IT WAS SIGNED BY GENE SIMMONS! GO GET YOUR FRIGGING BASKETBALL ALREADY! I'VE HAD IT UP HERE WITH PEOPLE WHO GET IN MY WAY!" To demonstrate, Peridot raised her right hand as high as she could.

Shaq O'Neal thought about challenging Peridot to a Shaq-Fu duel, but decided against it. There was still time to save the basketball from any would-be scavengers that roamed in Carcosa.

"Allright, you win, at least this round... Huh, me, Shaq O'Neal, defeated by an out-of-bounds foul by the opposing team! You can go upstairs, then... but I'll give you guys a word of warning: there's someone up there who isn't exactly your average fighter. Even if you've gotten past the guardians below, there are no guarantees that you'll beat this guy. He's not human if you ask me. He's a machine."

Shaq picked up a gym bag and headed to the stairs which led to the floor below them. Before descending, he turned around and said: "I know what you're thinking: what I just said was an attempt to scare you away. Well, it wasn't. I can see the determination you guys are carrying. Maybe you'll beat the odds! At least it will be an ultimate showdown of ultimate destiny. See you later. I hope."

For a brief moment, Peridot felt ashamed for tossing the ball outside. She remembered the despair she had felt when Amethyst tried to throw her iPad to the ocean. But there was no time for regret, not now. Besides, surely a rubber ball would survive a fall much better than an iPad would survive a diving trip.

 _"Peridot,_ y _ou solved that situation without fighting. Well done!"_ a voice rang in Peridot's head. She assumed it was rabbi Nussbaum.

"Well, half of the credit goes to that Shaq guy. He seemed like a reasonable fellow for a human. No offense."

 _"Hmmm... None taken, and you made a good point. I'm really proud of you!"_

"You know, my initial plan did involve some ruff'n'tumbling. You see, I had planned that I would poof myself by subjecting my aural sensors to Volbeat, and when he would have tried to pick my gem up, I would have reformed and caught him by surprise. But I'm glad my second plan worked."

 _"Me, too. As a reward for your creativity, I shall give you a gift."_

"Gift? What kind of gift?"

 _"I don't want to spoil it. You'll know it when it happens. Ohhhh, I can't wait! Talk to you later!"_

"Peridot? Who are you talking to?" asked rabbi Nussbaum.

"What? Am I not talking to you?" asked Peridot.

"No..."

Peridot thought about it for a moment. "If I could hear it, but you couldn't..." she thought aloud.

"Heh, maybe you were talking with your conscience."

"What's conscience? Is it a familiar of some kind?"

"It's the sense of right and wrong," explained rabbi Nussbaum. "It's like an inner voice that helps you make the right decisions. But alas, sometimes it only speaks to you after you've made the wrong ones. Now, there are many theories about what conscience really is and where..."

"Well, how do I turn it off?" interrupted Peridot.

"You shouldn't," replied rabbi Nussbaum. "Think of your conscience as your ally, a compass of sorts. It helps you from straying away from the natural flow of the world and people who care about you."

"But it's really unnerving when my conscience really talks to me! It's a real voice that I can actually hear! Why does it talk to me? Why now? What does it want? Is it a ghost, or some joker who's toying with a Gem frequency transmitter? It's always the same voice, too, and it sounds - no, it _feels_ so familiar! Just trying to identify it is driving me crazy!"

"You can hear it? Well, it's a mystery for sure. There is more to this world than either of us can see... Of course, a scientific explanation should never be ruled out. But perhaps it's wise not to think about it too much, at least not until this mission is complete."

"Yes, that seems like a logical choice," agreed Peridot. The mission came first, and she forced all the questions into the back of her mind, all except one.

"What do you think we'll be facing next?" she asked the rabbi.

"We must be prepared for anything. Anything between Darth Vader and Benito Mussolini. Or the Blue Meanie. Your guess is as good as mine. Speaking of which..."

"Well, I think it's Geese Howard."

"Who? Do you mean that...?"

"Yes," said Peridot. "The final boss that debuted in Fatal Fury, made into a playable character in later installations of the game, a staple in King of Fighters series. He's also appeared in a couple of crossover games. You see, his name is Geese, which is a plural of Goose. Birdwatchers... birds... Geese, see? Connect the dots, and you have a pattern!"

Rabbi Nussbaum sighed. "Peridot, video games aren't real. They're fiction."

"Hmph. I know that. But I say it's still a good theory."

Meanwhile, while Peridot and rabbi Nussbaum debated, Geese Howard, an honest businessman of South Beach, missed his flight to Beach City. "How very odd," he thought. "This has been a lousy day, but for some reason, I feel like I dodged a bullet just now..."

-o-

At the Barn, Lapis Lazuli eyed Mayor Dewey's Volkswagen Beetle. She had placed her communicator in a drawer where it wouldn't be splashed with water.

"So, what did Peridot say?" asked Mayor Dewey.

"Oh, she'll be here later, for sure, but she couldn't say when. As compensation for the delay, I can wash your vehicle for free. You know, you're her second customer, and, uh..."

"It's okay, I understand," Dewey assured. "Starting up a new business doesn't come without certain difficulties. I totally understand! That's one reason I'm here - to help with all the nasty bureaucracy."

"Allright, I'm sure she'll appreciate your help. So, I guess I'll wash this car, then..."

"Actually, you don't have to do that! I mean... you shouldn't do it alone. Suppose you could ask Miss Pearl to give you a helping hand? I could throw some extra cash for a thorough job!"

Lapis gave a deep sigh. She had heard enough gossip to understand that Mayor Dewey would make any excuse to meet Pearl, the hot Crystal Gem. "Funny you should mention Miss Pearl," Lapis said. "I already asked that she and the gems come visit me and Peridot today. But it's about an unrelated matter. I doubt she'll have time to wash your car. Or the motivation."

Dewey wasn't disheartened in the slightest. "Well then, could you give them a call and indeed make sure that they'll be here? I can wait, really!"

 _Oh well, the customer is always right_ , thought Lapis, and dialed the Crystal Temple's number. This time, Amethyst answered the phone. "Las Hermanas Gaviotas, something for everyone!"

"Amethyst? It's me, Lapis."

"Hellooooo, Lazuli! What's up?"

"I just called to ask if you guys can make it here anytime soon."

"Yep, we'll be there... but I'll come later. I have some stuff I gotta take care off first. So, anything mysterious happening at the barn?"

"Mysterious? Peridot's drones can talk, if that's what you mean. I guess they are like her children, now. So, that makes Peridot a single mother, in Earth terms," Lapis deadpanned.

"WHAAAT? That's so cool! Huh, I can see why you asked for Pearly! Oh, wait, what did you mean by Peridot being a single mother? She doesn't seem like single to me, eh, eh, Lazuli?"

Lapis felt her cheeks turn dark blue. "Good _bye_ **,** Amethyst," she said with a stern voice, but she couldn't help feeling tingly all over. She definitely wanted to think about it, but in order to do that, she had to get rid of Mayor Dewey, preferably not in a completely rude manner.

"Was that Miss Pearl on the phone?" asked Dewey, full of hope.

"No, it was Amethyst. Excuse me for being blunt about this, but I really, really don't think Miss Pearl has noticed you. But..."

"But what?"

"Just a second, I have something I want to give you." With that, Lapis flew to the second floor to retrieve a certain DVD box.

"Here you go," she said as she landed gracefully next to Dewey. "This is the complete Camp Pining Hearts box set. The signature on the cover isn't authentic, though."

"Uh, thank you... but I don't see how..." said Dewey, inspecting the DVD box.

"Just watch the episodes with an open mind, and you will be rewarded. Maybe you'll absorb some of that Canadian wisdom."

"Oh, but of course! I understand now! I take it that Miss Pearl is a fan of this show, and that she would be flattered if I were to emulate one of the characters?"

 _Humans..._ "My lips are sealed. But someone whose name begins with a P does like the show. Just don't tell anyone where you got it."

"I shall be silent as a brick wall! At least, more silent than Shakespeare suggests. I'll leave my car here and call an uber driver. Au revoir, miss Lazuli, and thank you again!"

"You're welcome..." said Lapis as Dewey left. Peering inside the car, Lapis was relieved not to find any deceased humans. Getting rid of the mosquitoes on the license plate and the white spots from the windshield wouldn't take long. "Hm, I got rid of both Camp Pining Hearts and the mayor. Good riddance. Talk about shooting two mynocks with one laser blast," she thought. "Oh, Peridot, Peri... when will you simply slow down and ask me for a date? You don't have to conquer the entire world to impress me. Even though it would be interesting to see..."

-o-

Author's notes: Although it's often said that France surrendered during the Second World War, the French set up resistance movements to fight against Germany and many French soldiers enrolled in armies of Allied countries. Notable examples are airmen serving in the Great Britain's Royal Air Force (many of those chaps were actually British, not only French, Poles and Czechs) and the Normandie-Niemen squadron in the Soviet Air Force.

These heroes deserve credit not only for fighting, but for reminding us that there is no such thing as total surrendering. And by heroes I don't mean incompetent figureheads like Charles de Gaulle - a clod. If you want to read about a real French hero, look up Pierre Clostermann. He flew the deadly Spitfire and Tempest fighters in the ranks of the Royal Air Force. Like Fonck, Guynemer and Nungesser before him, he was awesome.

French officers, especially high ranking ones, were often cowards (just like French poachers of migratory birds today), but the soldiers weren't.

Peridot's speech was inspired by a scene in _The Very Horrific Life of Great Gargantua_ , written by Francois Rabelais.


	14. Devils haircut

**Chapter 14:** Devils haircut

-o-

The rational part of your mind can often temporarily overcome all the doubts and fears in a situation where you have no choice but to press on or play along. Even so, there is no way to completely turn off the discomfort in such situations. Walking in a dark alley _without_ an army of bodyguards or cleaning a truck stop toilet is on nobody's 'fun things to do' list, and fear, anxiety and revulsion, while unpleasant feelings, are useful and necessary, provided that you aren't completely paralyzed by them.

Peridot had an awful feeling at the back of her brain. She couldn't rationalize it, not with the situation regarding Trump's stolen toupee and the pressure it gave her, Lapis Lazuli missing her (and she missing Lapis) or the climate change.

So far, everything had gone so well. Peridot had successfully employed her drones to start her investigation, tracked down the human Ronaldo, enlisted the help of the human rabbi Nussbaum, infiltrated the Birdwatchers' domain and disposed of four of their elite guardians, but for some reason, she was afraid of what awaited her in the floor above. Had Shaq's words of warning gotten to her? Why was she feeling doubts now? Everything was supposed to be fine. In addition to her recent victories, Peridot's business had gotten to a good start, Vidalia would fix Star Man's face, the Gems were OK and Lapis, while grumpy, was still definitely in her corner. So what was wrong?

The answer - or a part of it - came in the form of another mysterious voice that only Peridot could hear. Like the voice that had guided and complimented her, the new voice sounded familiar, even hauntingly so.

" _It was never your incompetence_ ," the voice said. Peridot froze. She wanted to put her hands over her aural sensors, but she knew that it would be in vain. "Quiet," she simply said. Whatever entity that was responsible for the new voice was not deterred, however, even if Peridot sensed that it was struggling to reach her.

" _For your sake, for all of our sake, cast away your doubts and take what belongs to_ _ **you**_ _! Strike down those who oppose you! No mercy!_ "

"Whoever you are, you think you're helping me, or maybe you want me to think so, but you're not helping, so shut up!" shouted Peridot.

" _Maybe it's you, then, that deserve to be shattered for what you've done to..._ "

"If I was shattered, wouldn't that at least shut you up?" Peridot was proud of her snappy comeback.

The voice didn't respond. It was as if it had decided to obey Peridot's command after all. Peridot found the awful feeling slowly starting to fade away. But who did the voice belong to? Was it a figment of her own imagination? Had the voice actually helped her? Being alert and motivated (angry?) was arguably a good state to be in.

Peridot turned to face rabbi Nussbaum, who had a look of concern on his face. "Don't worry, I'm fine... just some more unanswered questions. Mysteries to be explored later," she stated.

"Allright. To the fourth floor, then," he said.

The fourth floor definitely surpassed Peridot's expectations. The floor was illuminated by fires set in used oil barrels - most of the windows had been boarded shut from the inside. If you can imagine what a post nuclear apocalypse bandit leader's summer villa would look like, this was it. Despite the cheap materials...

"HELLO AND WELCOME TO MY LAIR!" came a voice, interrupting a Pulitzer grade description of the surroundings. "I am the Grand Master of the Birdwatchers. I am Professor; Professor Huge Fungus! Who are you, and what is your business?" The voice originated from a dark silhouette of a man which stood between two barrel fires. It was odd that the fires didn't illuminate him enough for Peridot, even with her night vision, to make out much details. Removing her Authority Glasses didn't help much, but she did notice two eyes glowing with an eerie light in an otherwise featureless face.

"May I do the talking?" Peridot whispered rabbi Nussbaum, who had hidden his butterfly swords.

"Why not?" he replied. "Remember, be sure to be polite and make a good impression."

As Peridot turned to face the mysterious silhouette, she noticed that several members of the Birdwatchers, clothed in a bizarre mixture of safari outfits and hockey gear, had stepped out of their hiding places, and were now guarding their leader and the stairs that presumably led to the roof.

"I greet you, Mr. Fungus. My name is Peridot. My friend here is Rabbi Gideon Nussbaum. I have a reason to believe that you are in possession of a stolen toupee, or at least knowledge of its whereabouts."

The Professor stepped closer. His outfit wasn't practical, at least for a peaceful hobby such as bird watching. He was wearing leather boots, pants, bracers, a strange neck brace and a hockey mask. In other words, he had photocopied his wardrobe from Lord Humungus, the Ayatollah of Rock and Rolla. Peridot recognized the reference and briefly considered criticizing him for his lack of originality.

"Welcome, brave ones," the Professor said. "Hmm! I doubt my guards simply let you in that easily. You two don't exactly look like MMA fighters... but looks can be deceiving."

Peridot wondered if there was a compliment in there somewhere. She wasn't flattered, though, since humans often exchanged not only insults, but compliments before engaging in kung fu nonsense.

"Your looks are rather peculiar, if I may say so," observed rabbi Nussbaum.

"Oh, this? It's just for the cosplay event later this evening. I never miss a con. My everyday attire is much more original, really!" The Professor removed his mask, revealing a completely normal face of a Hispanic man. There were no scars or burn injuries. "My name is Jorge Casagrande. I am not an actual professor yet, but I hope to be one some day. But you mentioned a stolen toupee. Would you care to elaborate?"

Peridot elaborated.

"And I would like the kippah that belonged to my mentor back, please," said rabbi Nussbaum, finally revealing the exact reason for accompanying Peridot on her mission. He did not, however, reveal how he came to suspect that the Birdwatchers could have had something to do with the theft.

"And what do you offer in return?" the Professor asked.

"What we _offer_ is the continued existence of your little tree house fight club," said Peridot. "Return the stolen object to us - it's as simple as that! If you don't... well, I am an instrument of war, and I alone am a big deal, a Diamond shattering kind of a big deal. But it is not only my wrath you should be concerned about. My employer, Donald J. Trump, has been wronged. He is the man _who will become the next president of this country,_ and he will not let this slide! Your 'guardians', as you call them, have already disrespected me, and in turn, defied Trump and justice. Now is not the time for you to think about PROFITS!"

There was a sound of murmuring protest from the ranks of the Birdwatchers, but the Professor shushed them and said: "You have spoken well. I shall ask one of my associates take a look at our... hm, lost and found stash. I will not keep you from obtaining your precious artifacts."

"But I will!" came a shout from the back of the room.

"Who said that?" asked the Professor. "Step forward and unmask yourself, brother."

Peridot, rabbi Nussbaum and the Professor watched as a terrifying giant, dressed in a baseball cap and torn jeans, lumbered into the light, making the floor shake with each footstep. It was now clear who Shaq O'Neal had been talking about when he spoke of the fighter that awaited in the fifth floor.

"I wear no mask," stated the giant. "Well, technically, at least..."

Peridot's eyes transfixed to a championship belt that the creature was wearing. A familiar toupee hung from the belt. As she looked at the wrestler, she noticed that his... her skin was purple. All of it... purple!

"No mask? No mask!" said the Professor.

"AMETHYST!" yelled Peridot.

It was Amethyst. She had morphed herself into a new wrestling persona in order to distance herself from Purple Puma.

"That's right, it's me! Not Purple Puma, not Sergeant Slaughter and definitely not John Cena. You know, you really should see the look on your face, P-dot!"

"What... how did you get here? What are you doing with these ornithologists? And why are YOU carrying Donald Trump's hair enhancer?!" Peridot didn't know whether to feel betrayed or worried. Amethyst was her friend, after all.

"You two know each other?" asked the Professor.

"We sure do," said Amethyst. Turning to Peridot, she said: "As for your questions: I morphed myself into an airplane and landed on the rooftop of this building. Boy, are my arms tired!"

Her jest was met with silence. Everyone realized that the meeting between Peridot and Amethyst wasn't completely friendly in nature.

"Tough crowd, tough crowd. Guess I'm not on Sardonyx's level, at least not yet. Gotta work on my material. As for your other question, I'm here because I sometimes watch birds."

"Amethyst!" shouted Peridot.

"Oh, all right, I'll explain." Amethyst morphed back into her normal self. "I really do observe different birds. It gives me new ideas and helps me perfect my morphing skills. I also wrestle a bit... I train some of the Birdwatchers here. I'm thinking of quitting my wrestling career for real, but it would be a shame not to pass on my knowledge to someone first! In exchange, I get the occasional exotic meal you can't get anywhere else these days, especially not at McDonald's."

"What kind of a meal?" asked Peridot, momentarily distracted. Did Amethyst eat humans who wandered into Carcosa?

"Hamburgers, french fries, chicken nuggets. None of that vegetarian crap that's all the rage these days," she said. "I like the taste of greasy food, and I don't exactly have to worry about getting a cardiac arrest." No humans on the menu, at least.

"Okay... but you still haven't answered my question regarding the hair enhancer!"

"Oh, this one? I snagged it from a gull I just happened to meet on my way here. Funny coincidence, huh? It's not like I planned it or anything."

"Fine! Make fun of this if you want, but I'm going to count to three, and then you'll place that hair enhancer on my palm. One! Two! ... Three!" Peridot extended her hand. "Four!"

"Minus infinity!" countered Amethyst. "I'm not giving it to anybody!"

"Why not?!"

Amethyst explained how Donald Trump had tried to pull the rug from under her feet when she had been a newcomer to the wrestling scene and how she wanted to give him a slap on the wrist.

"In other words, you want revenge," said Peridot after Amethyst had finished her story. "Well, that's one more reason for me to like you. But I must put those feelings aside. So I ask one more time: hand the toupee over!"

"Why don't you try to take it?" teased Amethyst.

Peridot considered attacking Amethyst. Rabbi Nussbaum sensed her conflict, so he decided to intervene. "Peridot, it is not a good idea to fight against your friends. I believe you two should have a conversation about this... preferably elsewhere."

The Professor also wanted to avoid a fight breaking out at his sanctuary. He knew what destruction Amethyst was capable of wreaking. "Let us handle this in a civilized manner." He motioned with his hand, summoning one of his advisors. "Fetch the kippah belonging to this man," he commanded, and the advisor disappeared into the darkness.

Tense seconds ticked by. Peridot and Amethyst stared at each other. The advisor came back and presented an ornate wooden box to the Professor and bowed.

"Ah, thank you. I believe this box contains the item you seek. One of my associates found it. You will find that we have merely kept it safe." He handed the box to rabbi Nussbaum who opened it, inspected the contents briefly and then closed it.

"Yes, this is the one," said rabbi Nussbaum. "Thank you for _finding_ it and keeping it _safe_. Peridot?"

Peridot wouldn't take her eyes off Amethyst. "A Peridot doesn't need to use violence to get what she wants. Instead, I can do THIS!" With lightning speed, Peridot charged at Amethyst, hoping to simply snatch the toupee from her belt.

But Amethyst was too quick for her. She grabbed the toupee and held it high above her head, turning away from Peridot and trying to hold her back using her free hand.

"Gimme that!" demanded Peridot, running and hopping wildly around Amethyst.

"Or what, little kitten? Nya-nya, nya-nya, nyah, nyah!"

Peridot, realizing that the toupee was simply out of reach, tried to tickle Amethyst. But Amethyst wasn't so easily defeated.

"Ha, ha, ha! Nice try, Peridoughnut! Why don't _you_ \- heh - give up, already?"

"Never, Amethyst... AMETHYST SPAMETHYST!"

No matter what would happen next, Peridot felt proud for coming up with a _name pun_ on the spot. In fact, all the Peridots across the galaxy would be proud of her. Of that there was no doubt, no ma'am. She would be an inspiration not only for Earth, but the Homeworld itself. Yellow Diamond would give her a medal. No, she would step down from her throne and beg to become a pearl for Peridot, who would take over the entire Gem Empire. Amethyst Spamethyst! Only a genius could have come up with such a clever joke, and that genius was Peridot, the Supreme Crystal Gem!

Amethyst stopped moving, completely ignoring Peridot's attempts to tickle her. "Spa...? Huh, that's not funny," she said, with a blank face. But then her mouth began to twitch, and after taking a deep breath, she burst into an uncontrollable laughter. "He! He! He! He! Ha! Ha! Amethyst... Spahahahahaha! Spamethyst... PFFFFHA HA HA..."

Amethyst released her grip on the toupee.

Peridot leaped like a tiger and caught the toupee in between her jaws. (Ewww, yuck!)

"HAHA! I GOT IT!" she yelled triumphantly. She ran towards the stairs, but as she looked over her shoulder, she was surprised to see that Amethyst didn't try to pursue her. Instead, she was rolling on the floor, still laughing.

"He, he, oh, Peri, my dear... you win. I, Amethyst Spamethyst admit my defeaaaAHAHAHAHA! I admit my defeat!"

"Really? Very well then. Now if you'll just excuse us, we're taking our leave."

"Yes, we'd better go," agreed rabbi Nussbaum. "We both got what we came in here for. Goodbye, noble Birdwatchers! For the sake of the upcoming festivities of 200 years of Beach City, let us be awesome towards each other."

"Until we meet again, then. May you fly safe and fly free," said the Professor.

...

As Peridot and rabbi Nussbaum left Carcosa behind them, Peridot suddenly had a searing headache. They both stopped at a street corner, and Peridot leaned against a wall, holding her forehead with her left hand in an attempt to dispel the pain.

" _You should have shattered that gem and decimated the humans. That would have made your victory complete. Your ridiculous mission would have actually made a difference, had you only..._ "

There was the nasty voice again. "I'm not listening to you! This is my life, and I decide when I'm victorious or not."

"Did the Devil speak to you?" asked rabbi Nussbaum.

"I don't know. I don't care what it was. It seems to quiet down when I get mad at it. Anyway, I better make a phone call. This mission is nearing its end."

Peridot dialed Donald Trump's number with her iPad. He answered almost immediately:

"Hello, who is this?"

"This is Peridot... Peridot Crystal! I am proud to announce that my mission has been a successful one, and I have your..."

"Not on the phone," interrupted Trump. "I'll be at Dewey Park in 20 minutes. Can you make it?"

"Yes, I..."

"Excellent! Don't make any more calls today. Don't even answer your communicator until you deliver my property. Over and out."

"Over and out," Peridot repeated, but the call was already terminated. Trump sure was being serious or something.

She looked at the toupee. "All that investigating and fighting for... this. It does seem a bit ridiculous, and that's an understatement. But this is Earth, and what may seem ridiculous at a first glance, is actually very serious business. So, uh, what's the head wear you obtained from the Birdwatchers?"

"It's just as I said: it's a kippah that belonged to my mentor. We had many fine debates together. He's... not around any longer. This kippah... He wanted that I keep after he's gone. One day it was stolen, so I started an investigation - I will not go into details, but it lead into suspecting those thugs. In any case, I owe you my gratitude, Peridot! I can now bring good news to my congregation. I will personally take this kippah to Tel Aviv. It's a city on the other side of this planet, basically..."

"Well, you were awesome with those butterfly swords," said Peridot. "I give you my thanks in return. Say, are there any warp pads near this Tel Aviv?"

"No. There aren't any."

"So... I guess this is where we part ways?"

"From our limited perspective, yes. But remember this saying, Peridot: it's a small world, after all. It's a small world..."

Peridot understood the meaning of that saying, but it was clear that even with the best future vision available, there were no guarantees of a reunion anytime soon.

"You know, I didn't even give you a gift," she said.

"You don't have to... wait, I know! Why don't you tell me about the voice you heard? The nasty one. It would make me happy if I could help you with that."

Peridot recounted all the things the nasty voice had said to her. She also explained what shattering meant.

"Hmm. Hmm. Now, in your opinion, what do you think this voice really is?"

"I've been thinking about it. I can come up with some explanations, but none of them make much sense. Maybe it's just me going crazy. Even though at first I thought it was the Yellow Diamond."

"Is this Yellow Diamond a person?"

Peridot briefly told rabbi Nussbaum about Homeworld, the Gem Empire, Yellow Diamond and her plot to destroy Earth.

"So, what is your relationship to Yellow Diamond now? I take you're not on good terms with her anymore, especially after you saved Earth?"

"That's putting it mildly. In her eyes, I'm a traitor, even if she doesn't know the full extent of my betrayal - yet."

"As long as you don't betray yourself, you shouldn't speak of betrayal. It's obvious that you've done the right thing."

"Thanks. But sometimes it feels that it just all kind of happened to me. Even though I know that I made a choice, it feels like the choice was made for me. Huh. Weird. I just wondered if other Peridots ever waste time thinking about these things."

Rabbi Nussbaum smiled. "It's never a waste of time to think about right, wrong, yourself, the universe and the things you want to do. And about the things you need to do, I might add. Hmm. Do you ever read, Peridot?"

"Oh, I've read TV guides. And all kinds of human nonsense on the internet - I love it!"

"Well, that's a start. The thing is, the best gift you can give me - or the world around you - is to keep learning, teaching, and questioning the things you've learned if necessary, and then learning some more. You can indeed find wisdom in TV guides and the internet, but there's one book I'd like to recommend you."

"Which book would that be?"

" _The Banality of Evil_ , written by Hannah Arendt. Although the focus of this particular book is the trial of a very, very evil and stupid human being, there are one or two details that you might find interesting. Perhaps you will understand humans... and yourself much better if you choose to read it."

"Allright, I'll visit the library at the first opportunity. I'll just write the title down on my iPad... there. Anything else?"

"Maybe you could write a book yourself. Memoirs, for example. Semi-fiction. Or pure gonzo. The possibilities are endless here on Earth."

"Hmm. I guess it could be a welcome change to recording my voice or blogging my wisdom. Maybe I will indeed write something, if I have the time. Do you have any advice?"

"Be sure that you write your own story, so to speak, not someone else's," said rabbi Nussbaum and winked. "What I mean is that you should write what you _want_ to write. Unless you want to get rich - then you have to cater to the masses somehow. Oh, and try not to go too crazy with pop culture references."

"I never go crazy. I am a very rational gem. Which reminds me: assuming that I could get a contract for publishing - is that the correct term? If I could get one, who in their right minds would read it? It would be a way too fantastic story."

"I can help you with both the publishing and marketing. I have some connections in the literature scene. And I would really like to read your book, Peridot. Besides, fantasy sells! Just ask J.K. Rowling or Richard Nixon's publisher. But I'll leave the decision to you and only you."

"Wow. You're awesome, Mr. Nussbaum."

"You are awesome too. Now, I believe we still have our individual missions to complete, so..."

"Xièxiè," said Peridot. Studying Earth history, she had been (briefly) inspired by kung fu spirit and 5000 years of Chinese history and had learned one or two Chinese words. Also, she felt that using a language she barely knew made it easier to say goodbye.

"Shalom," said rabbi Nussbaum, avoiding the word 'goodbye' altogether. "May your next mission be a more peaceful one." He simply waved his hand and started walking in the direction of his synagogue.

After taking a few steps, he turned around. "Oh, one more thing. There's always a lesson to be learned from everyday struggles. What do you think today's lesson was?"

 _Ah,_ Peridot thought. "Well, actually, the day is not yet over. Besides, we won today. You won. _I_ won. Only historians and losers can extract some kind of lesson from what has happened so far. I can only speak for myself, but I didn't really _learn_ anything that I already didn't know. I simply _won!_ "

There was a moment of silence. "Is that what you really believe?"

"Nah! I just exaggerated a bit. I don't presume to have learned anything yet, but I do have a lot to digest. I had you fooled for a moment, didn't I?"

For the last time that day, rabbi Nussbaum let out a hearty laugh. "Ha, he, he, he! Quite so. I was worried that... well, never mind. Hm, actually, maybe there actually is a lesson hidden somewhere in what you said. Or maybe there simply isn't one! Paradoxes, mysteries, questions, and the search for answers - that is part of the human condition. Stay strong, Peridot!"

 _Should I remind him that I'm not a human?_ Peridot thought. _Nope - it would be nitpicking, and I only nitpick when the Crystal Gems give me a reason to do so._

And so the goodbyes were over without neither of them actually saying good bye. Peridot was left standing at the street corner. Even though it was sunny, she had a feeling that the sky - no, not only the sky, but the entire galaxy wept as fate and duty which had brought two great warriors together now separated them.

Someone suddenly placed a hand on Peridot's shoulder. "Que pasa, Perro?" that someone asked. Peridot spun around to see that instead of some thug mistaking her for a dog, it was actually Amethyst who had followed her from a distance.

"Whoa, there! Jumpy, aren't we?" she said. "Look, I just thought that I'd walk with you to the warp pad." Noticing that Peridot started shaking, Amethyst grew concerned. "Hey, P-dot, are you ok?"

Peridot, feeling drained of energy and relieved, threw her arms around Amethyst. "Amethyst!" was all she could say.

Amethyst was taken by surprise at first, but she soon returned the embrace. "Peri, what's wrong? Did I scare you? Or do you miss that guy already?"

"I... I guess it's a bit of both," Peridot admitted. "I think he's going to France or Tel Aviv to fight in the French Foreign Legion. Amethyst, the way he talked... it was as if he was marching into a war or something!"

"Oh, Peri. He didn't look like a front line soldier to me. Trust me, I know. I'm sure you'll meet him again. Until then, you'll just have to get on our nerves instead. You know, your _old_ new friends: me, Steven, Connie, me, Lazuli and the rest of us, allright?"

"Heh, you said 'me' twice. But thank you."

After Peridot had calmed down, she let go off Amethyst. "Did you say you were going to the Barn?"

"Sure did. Most of the gang will be there... you know, it's time we met your offspring."

Peridot was confused. "My what?"

"Your attack drones! They're... uh, what's the word... They're sentient, aren't they? Or is there a more nerdy word for it?"

"How did you know about my drones?"

Amethyst didn't want to reveal that Lapis had called the Gems over, even if it was for a good reason. "Ah caught th' wind of it! Fry mah hide!" she said with a Texan accent, implying that it was she who had discovered the big secret. "We kind of had a meeting about it. You see, it's the season when humans go crazy in this part of the planet, and... Well, we wanna make sure that nobody steals your drones."

Peridot pouted. "Oh. How thoughtful of you." As if any human termite could simply waltz out of the barn with the drones in tow!

"Aww, come on, Perry Mason. It's not the only reason... we... uh... We're doing a picnic too! You know, so we can catch up on other stuff. Besides, the Gems and especially Steven would love to see your blooming business!" Mentioning Steven usually lightened Peridot's mood, and it did the trick again.

"Well, I just might let you guys watch as I conduct repairs on another vehicle belonging to a very important client. My second customer, actually. You can have the waste oil if you like."

"Thanks, Peri! An important client, eh? Is it anyone I know?"

"The king of Beach City, Mayor Dewey himself! He just might still be there, so I want you to be on your best behavior!"

"Ohhhh, Mayor Dewey, heh, heh, heh! I bet he'll be happy to see Pearl."

"Why is that?" asked Peridot.

"Oh, no reason," said Amethyst, twirling her hair. "No reason at all. Except that..."

"Except what?"

"I just thought that if Pearl was to, say, feed grapes to Mayor Dewey during our little picnic, she could get all kinds of favors from him. It could benefit your business, too."

"Huh. Weird." Gears and cogs turned inside Peridot's mind. "Say, do you have any grapes with you? If it's a traditional Earth picnic you're planning, you need to bring food and drinks, and Lapis and I are a bit short on Earth food right now. We have corn, though, but..."

"I'm just kidding! Really, don't you bug Pearl about Dewey. That's my job, you see. But you've got a point about the grub. I'll just stop by McDonald's. They have some healthy takeaway meals. And there's a convenience store right next to it for the 'unhealthy' stuff."

Peridot thought about her mission. It wouldn't be really over until the toupee had been returned to its rightful owner.

"Uh huh. I'll just make a small detour, I've got something to take care of. I guess I'll see you guys later at the barn."

"Allright! See you soon, Peridomo!"

"Later, _Ametista!_ "

-o-

A/N: With that little silliness over, let's shift gears - oh, wait, I lie, the silliness isn't over. It's never over. But in the next chapter, there will be a little less fightin' and a little more lovin'.


	15. Finally

**Chapter 15:** Finally

-o-

Kevin the smooth talker had a couple of emotional skeletons rattling inside his closet. Sitting down on the relatively clean bench, the troubled motorist inhaled, filling his lungs with fresh ocean air and exhaled. What cosmic force was responsible for the recent hardships in his life? Being demoted from Trump's chauffeur to a campaign worker was another slap of fate against his silky cheeks.

Kevin closed his eyes and went through the events that had led him into sitting on the bench, all alone:

Having found out that the beautiful girl he had _fallen in love with_ was actually two alarmingly young kids fused together, Kevin's mind had all but imploded under the strain of conflicting emotions. Usually, when confronted with a 'setback' (as he put it), Kevin would simply go back to the things he enjoyed doing: dancing (preferably with beautiful girls), illegal drift races (preferably with beautiful girls present to congratulate him) and painting portraits of nude models (preferably lean firemen).

Despite trying to act cool, he had been nearly shocked senseless when Stevonnie had unfused at the nightclub. As soon as he had exited the club, his heart had started to pound like a drum solo of Metallica's latest hit song. Even though he tried to rationalize that the chance of encountering a fusion outside Beach City was virtually nil, he had developed a phobia for night clubs all across the country.

Perhaps he could defeat his demons facing them on the racetrack? When Stevonnie agreed to duel Kevin, it had felt like the Heaven was granting him a favor. But even though he had won the race against Stevonnie, he didn't exactly feel like a champion. Even in defeat, those kids had all but humiliated him. There was no praise to be had from the audience. In fact, the only one who really had complimented him had been Stevonnie. The question that nobody had voiced that night troubled Kevin the most: what would have happened if Stevonnie and Kevin had driven cars with identical performance?

The Fates conspired against Kevin even further: all the nude painting courses were full for the next few months. "Such a fine young man should be a model for a change!" the nice old lady behind the counter had said. Kevin had walked out in disgust.

Desperately trying to find a way to find his funky flow, Kevin had decided to hit the gym. In the Beach City Gym & Spa, he had ran into another young man who was in the process of rediscovering himself. Or perhaps they were merely drifting, just like the mythical Ulysses once had done?

In any case, the youth had told Kevin his name: Lars Barriga. Nice to meet you!

Kevin and Lars had started by playing squash together. The ball had hit Kevin in the nose. Lars had apologized and done his best to nurse Kevin back to full health.

The week had passed quickly. Kevin and Lars had started exchanging compliments: _You're really good at squash. Thanks, you've got some good moves too. You have the body of an athlete. So do you._

Then, one evening...

A terrifying screech awoke Kevin from his daydreaming. He cursed the seagull that had distracted him. The wind had risen, and the gull was worried about the possibility of a thunderstorm. Kevin, not caring about the wind or the small group of clouds that had gathered over Beach City, closed his eyes. He wanted to go back to the good memories, if only for a little while.

-o-

Peridot was right on time at the Dewey Park. In fact, she arrived 10 minutes early, so she spent the time shooing off local drug dealers.

Eventually a limousine arrived, its engine barely making any sound. A familiar looking man, wearing a red baseball cap, stepped out of the limousine and walked towards the statue of Elton John, one of Beach City's role models. The man soon noticed Peridot, and motioned her to come closer.

"Ah, miss Peridot. Forgive my bluntness, but I'm on a tight schedule. Do you have it?" asked Trump.

"I do. Here you go!" Peridot said, handing the toupee to Trump.

"Finally! Finally... not that it took you long, but still, finally we are reunited! Ha Communists 0, Trump 10!" Trump removed his cap and placed the toupee on his head. The result was 100% natural, and no matter how closely you looked, you couldn't tell the toupee from real dog*) hair.

 _(*spell it backwards._

"Actually, it wasn't the communists..." Peridot started.

"Details, details, my dear Peridot. Don't trouble yourself with them. Just tell me the body count."

Peridot made her best Judge Dredd impression. "No bodies, only superficial injuries. To them."

"Good. Very good, miss Peridot. You're eager to collect your reward, right?"

"Oh, yes! Hi-tech limb enhancers would be nice!" Peridot exclaimed. "And the Shrine of the Star Man needs to be protected, remember?"

"Heh, that's the spirit - never do anything for free. Well, the UNESCO deal is one phone call away, really. As for the enhancers, you'll have to write up a list of requirements. Once I'm the president, I can throw some resources your way, _capiche_?"

"Si, Signor!"

"Good. I'll bring the UNESCO paperwork to your barn later for your inspection. And I'll have some other papers I'm sure you'll find very interesting..."

"And what would those be?"

"Patience, Miss Peridot! I don't want to spoil the surprise. I'll drop by later today, all right?"

"Very well. I'll be most likely working on Mayor Dewey's car, so I'll be around."

-o-

Meanwhile, Kevin continued daydreaming of the past. As Kevin opened his eyes, he found himself at the gym. The workout was finished, so he headed for the shower room.

Just as he was about to turn the faucet, he heard a brief trickle of water from a nearby shower, followed by someone cursing.

"Damn it!"

Kevin's heart skipped a beat as he recognized the voice. It was Lars! Who else could it be? It just so happened that they had booked the very last squash shift. Now, they were the last two customers at the Beach City Gym & Spa.

 _There's nobody else here but us._ Kevin would have laughed at the cliche of the situation had he not been nervous. But how was that possible? Had his encounter with Stevonnie made him weak? Or was something else at work?

Gathering his courage, Kevin got out of his stall, wrapping a towel around himself. He walked towards the voice and sure enough, Lars was there, attempting to adjust the water temperature valve.

"What's the trouble?" Kevin asked, managing to keep his cool voice.

"Oh! Kevin? I, uh... it's this stupid shower, it doesn't give any warm water, and I got some shampoo in my eyes already, so..."

It was now that Kevin noticed that Lars had his eyes closed. A devious plan hatched in Kevin's mind. He took Lars by the hand and tugged gently.

"Heh, I feel your pain, bro. I like my showers warm, too. Here, I'll guide you to a shower that actually works."

"O-okay."

Kevin got rid of his towel. Lars still couldn't see anything.

"Come on, then. To the left... watch your step... now turn around... there we go. Let me work the shower for you. Gotta make sure you don't get a scald..."

Just like Kevin promised, he adjusted the water temperature and pressure to a comfortable level and guided the water stream on Lars' face.

Lars rubbed his eyes with relief. "Ahh... that feels so much better. Thanks, I think can take it from here."

Kevin attached the shower head to the wall mount... and pulled the shower curtain, giving the _two_ some privacy.

Lars opened his eyes. He was surprised to see that Kevin hadn't left the compartment, but was standing in front of him, naked, muscles glistening as the water droplets bounced off them.

"Kevin! What are you...?"

"Didn't I say that I like warm showers, hmm? Oh, I forgot to mention that sharing a shower is more ecological than showering alone. Somebody has to save the planet, wouldn't you agree?"

Kevin placed his hands on Lars' shoulders. "Oh, there's still some shampoo in your hair. Let me give you a hand." With that, Kevin stroked Lars' hair, but soon pressed his hand against the back of Lars' neck, slowly pulling him closer.

"Now look here... Hold on, now! I... I know w-what you're trying to do here, even though I don't understand w-why you..." Lars stammered.

"Well, I don't see you resisting," replied Kevin, and trailed his other hand along Lars' chest, to his stomach, and lower. "You've beat me five times in a row now. I think you've earned a little reward, don't you think?"

"Yes! I mean, that is... I... I don't think..." said Lars. But he couldn't hide the fact that no matter what, he wanted Kevin to continue.

"Well, don't think, then. Or... you could just close your eyes and think about someone who you really like, if it makes you feel better."

Lars closed his eyes and nodded. He then felt as Kevin's lips met with his. Kevin was right: he couldn't resist, and he didn't want to. As Lars finally put his hands around Kevin, he felt himself being _grabbed,_ and...

 _This has to be some kind of joke. A frat boy joke. A joke between two guys, that's what this is. We'll laugh about this afterwards! Yes, he's just... he'll stop any second now and then we'll laugh..._

"Now, does this make you feel good?" whispered Kevin into Lars' ear.

 _It does feel good... damn, he's not going to stop..._

"Yes... oh my stars..." said Lars as he felt Kevin's hand give him a very special workout.

Kevin kissed Lars on the neck. He had a whole routine planned for an encounter like this, but it was interrupted as Lars started to breathe heavily and tremble.

"Hmm, try to hold on a little bit longer, will you?" said Kevin. "I can slow down the pace a bit, if..."

But Lars was already going over the edge. "I can't... that's just... oh my... aaahhh!"

Lars, having been brought to climax, felt the strength leave his legs, and he almost fell down. Kevin quickly got a hold of him and brought him gently to a sitting position on the wet floor.

"Whoa, easy there, buddy! Heh, just catch your breath. You did fine, you really did! Although that was a kind of quick. Damn, have you been saving it up?"

Kevin stood up, picked the shower head and resumed washing Lars, who was still recovering. "Looks like I've missed a spot. You made a little mess, and _that_ is totally my fault," Kevin teased as he showered Lars... and the floor.

"There, all done. You still have control of your legs?"

"Y-yes..."

"All right, let me help you up. I just realized something... hate to cut this short, but we better move before the cleaning lady shows up."

"Yeah, and before the manager comes to shoo us off."

"Yeah, he and the Salvation Army."

Lars and Kevin shared a laugh as they walked out from the shower compartment. Much to their relief, the shower room was empty.

Neither of them talked about what had happened as they put their clothes back on. Instead, they engaged in relatively tame locker room talk, but just before they were about to leave, Kevin said: "Hey, can I ask you a question?"

"Shoot."

"Who were you thinking about?"

"What?"

"In the shower - I just want to know. Were you thinking of Lady Gaga, Nicki Minaj or..."

Lars's face turned red. "Oh. Heh. You don't really want to know."

"I do, though! Come on, you're not a sissy, are you? You can tell me. Doesn't matter if you were thinking about Ellen DeGeneres. I think we both can keep secrets, eh?"

Lars gave a sigh. "Well, I wasn't thinking about anyone. Except you."

Now Kevin felt his cheeks redden. Did Lars really mean that? Did Lars like him? Was that really the reason he had succumbed to Kevin's advances so easily?

"What? Me? Get outta here!"

Lars wasn't happy about Kevin's attempt to brush off his answer. "Yes, you! I meant what I said, damn it, and... if you have a problem with that, then maybe you shouldn't have... ohhhh, stars..." Lars sat down on a bench and covered his face with his hands.

"Hey, hey, hey... it's OK," said Kevin, sitting next to Lars. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to roast you or anything. I didn't think that you would... Look, if you really like me, then... it's OK."

"By that, you mean..."

Kevin put his hand on Lars' shoulder.

"You know. You and me, Lars. We could just fool around whenever we feel like it, but we could also see where this goes."

Lars looked at Kevin in the eyes, blushing. "I'd like that. That is, to see where this goes. And you can call me Laramie, too, if you want."

"Ok. Laramie, then. Say, I was wondering..." said Kevin, ruffling Lars' hair.

"Yes?" asked Lars, now eagerly.

"Would you like a ride home? Or... somewhere else?"

"Where?"

"I'm asking you if you'd like to crash at my place, dummy."

"I'd love that. And, um, I think it would be only fair if, I, um... returned the favor."

"Yes, it would. In fact, I'm counting on it."

...

That evening (and throughout the following night), Kevin and Lars had discovered all kinds of ways of enjoying each other. Kevin had indeed called him Laramie (among many other names) during the encounters that had followed.

Alas, they had slowly drifted apart as Kevin resumed traveling across the neighboring states into whichever town that held racing competitions. An unfortunate accident at the Mount Liberace Drift-a-Palooza nearly totaled his prized car, and in order to enter the official racing competition of 200 years of Beach City event, he had to find money and fast.

As Kevin was looking for a suitable job for himself, he texted Lars that it would take some time before he'd visit beach city again. One night, Kevin had gotten drunk, which had resulted in an angry text message war between him and Lars.

Had he blown it? Kevin was afraid to even send a message apologizing his behavior, so he had kept delaying and delaying doing so.

It turned out that luck had not completely abandoned Kevin. By pure chance, he came across the Apprentice Junior contest, which landed him a job as Donald Trump's chauffeur. But after getting freaked out at the haunted farm, he had politely (not really) asked if he could be transferred to a job that didn't involve dealing with otherworldly beings. Trump had asked him if he could get his hands dirty, then, and Kevin had said that he could.

Now Kevin was a campaign worker, a grunt. He was tasked with blogging, polling and interviewing people as well as handing out "Make America Great Again" caps. The best part of his job, however, was taking regular photographs and selfies with Trump supporters on the streets of Beach City. It was something, at least, but not enough to take Kevin's mind of his (presumably) lost love.

What sucked was that he had to be nice to people he didn't really care about. Kevin found that he felt sympathy towards McDonald's waiters.

"So this is what I've been reduced to," thought Kevin as he caught himself from wallowing in self pity. "This is you, Kevin. Sitting on a bench, longing for my short time boyfriend... now all I need is a French mime playing a sad tune with a violin, some croissants and a glass of wine to drown my sorrows into. Well, I might as well start looking for... OH MY STARS!"

Kevin jumped to his feet as he saw a familiar figure approaching. This time it was Lars - it was really Lars! - not just someone who looked like him. Even though it was likely that Kevin would bump into Lars sooner or later, he could hardly believe his eyes. In the back of his mind, Kevin had been afraid that Lars had been spirited away as some kind of divine punishment.

Lars was listening to the latest album of Volbeat with his iPhone, earplugs buried in his ears. Feeling subconscious guilt for shouting at Kevin over the phone, Lars was now punishing himself with the worst music he could think of.

"Hey, Lars! It's me, Kevin!"

Lars turned around. To say that he was surprised at the sight of Kevin was an understatement.

"Smile!" said Kevin, and made a horrible mistake: he snapped a photo of Lars with his iPhone. "Hey, Lars, you're looking good..."

But Lars wasn't pleased. "What the... Kevin? Did you just take a photo of me?!"

"Lars? What's the problem? What are you...?"

"Gimme that!" shouted Lars, and tried to pry the iPhone off Kevin's hands.

"Whoa, there, tiger! Hey! Stop it, will you?" Kevin tried to back away. He couldn't feel helping slightly amused at Lars' reaction.

Lars, however, wouldn't stop. Kevin's amusement grew into alarm as Lars lunged at him.

"Lars! It's my work phone! Lars? Heeelp! Somebody, help!" yelled Kevin as he started to run. Lars wasn't far behind.

Kevin's escape was cut short as he collided with a pedestrian that emerged from around the corner of a furniture store. As Kevin fell, he tried to shield the precious phone from any damage, bruising himself in the process.

"WHAT KIND OF AN AMATEUR CLOD TRIES TO MUG ME IN BROAD DAYLIGHT?!"

It was Peridot he had run into. She was towering above Kevin, tall and proud. Well, as tall as a Peridot without leg enhancers can be.

"Whu... what? A green imp? I mean... Miss Peridot? Oww... please, you have to protect me!" Kevin pleaded.

"Protect you?! From who?"

"Him!" Kevin pointed an approaching Lars, who was looking very determined.

Peridot gave a sigh. Even though she hadn't been hired as Kevin's bodyguard, he did work for Trump, so she turned to Lars and said: "Halt! Who are you, that pursues this young man, and what is your business with him?"

"My business? My business?! He knows exactly what my business is with him!"

Kevin had got himself off the ground. Confident that Peridot would indeed protect him, he walked up to Lars and poked him in the chest. "Geez, Lars, I only took a photo of you!"

"Oh, you get to take photos of your conquests, just like that, after you've dumped them?"

"Wait, what?"

"Don't try to deny it!" Lars exclaimed. "You just had to take one last trophy, just so you could post it online for all your friends to see!"

"Lars, I wasn't going to post it online! I swear it! I just... saw you walking there, and you were looking so sad and beautiful at the same time, and I just had to take a photo of you..."

There was something in Kevin's voice that made Lars remember the best parts of the time they had spent together. "Oh, really," he said. "Well, you should have asked for a permission first."

"But..."

"Look, I don't want to be just an image on someone's memory card. I want to be more than that - I deserve more!"

Tears started rolling down Lars' cheeks, and Kevin too felt misty eyed. "Lars, I'm sorry... I screwed up. I didn't mean to make you feel that I dumped you or anything. It's just that I've been under so much stress lately... No, that was just an excuse. The reason why I didn't return your calls is that I was being a coward. I was afraid."

"You? Afraid of what?"

"That the only reason you spent time with me was because you wanted to hang around with... you know..."

"Snobs and hipsters such as yourself?" asked Lars, with a hint of a grin on his face.

"HA HA HA! Yeah, something like that. Heh, that was a good one!"

"And it didn't occur to you that you could just, like, ask me if I was serious?"

"Oh, Lars, I feel so stupid... and I don't say that lightly."

Lars stepped closer to Kevin and gave him a very tight hug, which Kevin returned. "You can call me Laramie, you know," Lars said, as they held each other.

"I'll call you my teddy bear!" teased Kevin.

"Well, you better watch out, then, because this teddy bear has got claws!"

"Oh, don't you think I know that? My back still hurts just thinking about it! Ow!"

Lars started laughing, but the laughter abruptly stopped as Kevin, having forgotten everything around him, everything expect Lars, gave him a passionate kiss.

Peridot watched the exchange, pupils turned into huge stars. She wished she had a popcorn box with her. _OMS, those two are so... kawaii! :3 I'm going to die XD_

"Oh my stars! Percy and Pierre! Percy and Pierre in the flesh! This is a dream come true!" Peridot blurted out, unable to contain herself any longer.

"Mmmph... yikes!" shouted Kevin as he pulled away from Lars.

 _Lapis must absolutely see this,_ Peridot thought to herself as she kept her iPad's camera lens aimed at the reunited lovers. She was briefly disappointed when Kevin tried to shield himself and Lars. Then again, he was cute, being so shy... "Don't look at me. Go on," she suggested.

"What's the matter now, Kev?" Lars asked.

Kevin pointed at Peridot. "Can't you see what she's trying to do? Miss Peridot, put that away, please!"

"I'm not trying to do anything! Not without your permission, at least," Peridot said. It was a lie. "I was just... um... wondering if I could take a selfie with you guys, but I think I need a different angle. Too much sunlight."

"So you didn't take any photos just now?" asked Kevin. Lars, still holding him tightly, grinned.

"Nope! Not one photo." Of course, Peridot had been _filming_ Lars and Kevin's encounter. She just _had_ to show the video clip to Lapis.

"How about a selfie, then?" she asked with a pleading expression on her face. To her credit, she was good at deception.

"Oh, all right," said Kevin. "Nothing wrong with a regular selfie. Why don't you get in the middle, Miss Peridot? Oh, and Lars, I have something for you." Kevin handed Lars a cap.

"Hm? What's this? 'Make America great again'... well, I don't see why not," said Lars and put the cap on.

"All right, everyone ready? Hm, give me a hand with this thing... Lars - that was your name, right? Your arms are longer than mine."

Lars held Peridot's iPad and managed to take a couple of group selfies. As he took the third one, he reached for Lars and snuck a kiss on his cheek just as he pressed the 'capture' button.

"Hey! It was supposed to be a normal selfie!" protested Kevin.

"Who said anything about normal? You're not ashamed of me, are you?" asked Lars.

"No, no, no, heck no! Oh, dammit..." said Kevin and kissed Lars, properly this time. Lars pressed the button again, creating another photo.

"Well, I see you have some mutual business you need to attend to," commented Peridot, taking her iPad from Lars. "Thanks for the selfies, guys! I assure you, they are safe with me, because we are all on the same team."

"Same team, Miss Peridot? As in, you have a _girlfriend_ , as opposed to a boyfriend? Or is it a wife?" asked Kevin. He had regained most of his smug attitude.

Peridot blushed so hard that her cheeks felt like they were on fire. "Uhh... please excuse me, but I really must be going! I have some business of my own to attend to. I mean, a mission to complete. Yes... a mission... bye!" she babbled and started walking away.

Kevin and Lars waved Peridot good bye, and then turned their attention on each other once again.

"So, Percy and Pierre, eh?" said Lars. "Which one of us is Percy, and which is Pierre?"

"Either is fine for me, as long as you're Paulette tonight!" came Kevin's reply.

Lars groaned and retaliated by tickling Kevin. "Paulette? Why you... I'll show you Paulette!"

"He, he, he! Mercy... mercy! So, that's a 'yes', then?"

"Maybe. And after that?"

"Oh, you want me to be Paulette, too? Wellll... I don't see why not."

"No, that's not what I meant. I mean us. Are we going to be, like, you know..."

"Oh. We'll be Kevin and Laramie. Like, together, the two of us. If you want."

"I do."

...

As Peridot approached the city limits, she took a quick glance at the footage of Lars and Kevin she had recorded. "This is the coolest thing ever. What are the chances of a gem witnessing something like this? Ohhh... Lapis is going to jump to the roof when she sees this! Percy and Pierre. Awwwww... they are so cute! And these selfies aren't too bad, either. It's as if Star Man himself guided me to that point in space and time, so I would..."

Peridot stopped in her tracks. Her jaw dropped and she almost lost her grip on the iPad.

"Oh my STARS!" she shouted, scaring a pack of seagulls which were having a picnic nearby. It all made sense to her: the helpful voice in her head, the promise of a gift, witnessing Percy and Pierre...

And then there was the dream that Lapis Lazuli had. She had been greeted by a mysterious man with war paint. It made sense that Lapis, not exactly a soldier, would mistake Star Man's lightning symbol as war paint!

Peridot looked up to the sky, half expecting to see Star Man descending from the space. "Wait, he wouldn't appear now when it's sunny." Stars would only appear during nighttime.

She decided to voice her gratitude all the same. "Hey, Star Man! It's me, Peridot! I got your gift! Thank you a thousand times! THANK YOUUUU!"

-o-

Author's notes: There is no intended product placement in this fic. I don't even own an iPad. This story is in no way endorsed or sponsored by Apple Products or anything.


	16. Let's dance!

**Chapter 16:** Let's dance!

-o-

Amethyst hummed a happy tune as she hauled huge bags of food with her to the warp pad. As she activated it, she hoped that the molecular composition of the food wouldn't get reorganized, as it would ruin the taste. After materializing at the barn warp pad, she soon spotted Garnet, Pearl and Steven and greeted them.

"Did you bring the marshmallows, donuts, Doritos and Coke? I have this crazy idea for a recipe," Steven said.

"Yep, sure did! Oh, and speaking of Doritos, I met Peridot. I kind of made up the story about a picnic so she wouldn't think that we're just spying on her, which we are, of course. She's up to something, so she won't be too upset if I eat her share of the marshmallows."

"Heh, you can have _my_ share of marshmallows, too," offered Pearl, generous as ever. "You're a gem of many skills, Amethyst, and perhaps you possess the technique of extracting energy from tasty but low quality Earth confections in an efficient manner."

"What can I say, I've got talent! So do you: even if you can't shape shift, you can sometimes do a very good Peridot impression. Keep working on it, P!"

Pearl turned away to hide a smile. Even though the compliment Amethyst gave came with a jab, it was a friendly one. "I just hope that you didn't spend all your monthly allowance."

"That's a nope! I only used some of yours."

"Amethyst!" After all the years Amethyst and Pearl had known each other, Amethyst could still troll Pearl on occasion. Some things never changed.

Amethyst threw her arms in the air. "Yay, that's my name!"

"Garnet!" said Pearl, hoping that Garnet would scold Amethyst.

"That is my name. Thank you, Pearl," Garnet replied, adjusting her visor.

"Aauuugghhh..." Pearl moaned.

"Take it easy, Pearl. Why don't you go inside and tell Lapis that we're here? We'll set up the picnic in the meantime."

"I'll come with you, Pearl!" said Steven eagerly.

"Steven, I really think you would be more helpful here outside right now," Garnet said. Despite her visor, Steven could tell that she gave him a wink.

"Oh, all right. Go on then, Pearl!"

"Hmm. Well, the drones should prove to be interesting, at least."

"They should, yes. And you have some other business that requires your skills," said Garnet with a smile.

"What? Are you using your future vision now? What do you see?"

"Oh, forget that I said anything. I sometimes get carried away."

"Fine. Maybe Peridot's mech became sentient too, and threatens to destroy Beach City. Clearly it's a job for a Pearl to take care of it."

"Well, I'm sure you can handle it," Amethyst said. "If you need any help, just shout 'eeeeeek!' And make it real loud!"

-o-

In the barn, Lapis Lazuli was dancing in front of an empty audience, which is exactly how she wanted it.

She had set up an old record player to play _The Nutcracker_ , the famous ballet composed by Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky. This particular recording was made in Germany in 1937. It was performed by the Berlin Philharmonic orchestra, recorded in front of a live audience.

With one hand, Lapis was holding an equally old booklet with the detailed choreography and dance steps of the ballet, and with the other, she was trying to keep herself in balance while learning the steps, leaps and other eloquent movements. What she didn't understand, she improvised. Her flying ability allowed her to perform moves that no beginners could, but she tried to learn the dance as if she was a human with no wings.

The old record player and the booklet had been found from Amethyst's room. When asked where Amethyst had found these priceless artifacts, she had only made a cryptic remark to an old mission called " _Berlinskaya nastupatel'naya operatsiya._ "

Lapis suddenly sensed that she wasn't dancing in front of an empty audience after all. Turning around, she noticed that Pearl was standing at the entrance, completely mesmerized by Lapis' performance. Instead of stopping, Lapis put the booklet next to the record player and danced her way to Pearl, who still didn't move, allowing Lapis to grab Pearl by her waist and lift her up in the air.

Pearl, having her trance broken, barely managed to stifle an 'eek!' Instead, she said: "Oh! What is this... is this Tchaikovsky?"

"Yes, it is. It's _The Nutcracker_. Hard to resist, isn't it? By the way, you didn't come here alone, did you?"

"No, Garnet, Amethyst and Steven are setting up a picnic outside. Um, may I just point out something? I don't think the lift in this part is supposed to last this long, so..."

"Oh. Sorry." Lapis gently lowered Pearl down.

"It's ok! I don't actually mind being spontaneously invited into a dance. I do practice ballet sometimes myself, you know." That was an understatement to say the least. "I didn't know you were practicing, too. You've got talent! Bravo!" Pearl was happy to see Lapis enjoying dancing. It would surely help her in getting over the long period of being imprisoned, not to mention her encounter with Jasper.

"Well, I guess I have to do something to pass the time when the barn is empty. Tending to the corn and potatoes is fun, too, but it gets repetitive. Oh, speaking of potatoes: I kind of saved you from meeting Mayor Dewey today."

Pearl rolled her eyes. "Oh, that guy. Well, I owe you one."

"Don't mention it. You should know that I only came up with a temporary solution, I'm afraid."

"Well, I can deal with him if he starts stalking me. He didn't annoy you, did he?"

Lapis shook her head. "No. Actually, he might be of some help to Peridot's business. Work permits or something like that. So, for Peridot's sake, I tried to be nice to him."

 _Well, I might as well ask her, since she brought Peridot up,_ Pearl thought. "So... how are things between you and Peridot? How is she?"

Lapis found that despite not knowing Pearl that well, it just might feel good to actually talk about things with someone who would listen. Why not? Lapis trusted Steven, who in turn was good friends with the rest of the gems, Pearl included, so logically she could trust Pearl, too. "Peridot is... She's being very energetic, to put it mildly. As in, running around Beach City." Without realizing it, Lapis started pacing back and forth.

"She's keeping herself busy, and... Don't get me wrong, I should be happy for her - she's probably made lots of new friends - but I worry about her, and about the things she might get involved with. There's nothing wrong with fixing cars, but now she's doing mercenary work or something. And she's getting involved in Earth power struggles, and... Oh, sorry, I didn't mean to pour my worries on you..."

"Lapis, it's ok, really. I consider it an honor to be worthy of your trust. You have my ear if you need it. It's the least I can do, especially because... um."

"Because of the mirror?" Lapis wanted to clear some air, once and for all. It would prevent her from creating yet another prison for herself.

"Yes, because of the mirror. I am deeply sorry for what happened to you. I should have known! When we found the mirror, we should have... I should have done something... I swear, after Steven released you, I have checked our entire inventory for gems that might be trapped in some Homeworld trinket. I've done it twice. If there is anything I can do for you..."

"Pearl, don't blame yourself. I don't want any of you - any of us doing that. I blamed myself for nearly causing a disaster with the oceans... and for almost drowning Steven and Connie. But none of you held a grudge against me. You all did your best to make me feel at home here on Earth. And I really enjoyed the time we spent shopping downtown, even if it's hard for me to show it. So, I guess what I want to say is that... oh, never mind."

Pearl felt not only relieved, but curious, too. "Now you have to tell me. Come on, one ballerina to another?"

Lapis Lazuli's gaze wandered. "Well, this is silly, but I've been thinking that if I spend more time with you, Garnet and Amethyst, we will probably become close friends, sooner or later." She took a deep breath. "And I wouldn't mind if it was sooner. In fact, I think I'd like that."

Pearl looked at Lapis with awe. "I'd like that, too."

"So... friends?"

"Friends."

They shook hands. "I should also thank you guys for not rushing me," Lapis said. "Well, maybe except Steven, but he can be very disarming."

Pearl smiled. "Tell me about it." She remembered how she had become something of a step mom to Steven, and how quickly it had happened. "Anyway, feel free to talk to me about anything that's on your mind. I'll try not to give too much advice or tell you what to do. Unless it's something really, really important, in which case it is merely my responsibility as a Crystal Gem to... Oh, there I go again! Forget the last part."

Lapis snickered. "It's ok. I can take all the advice you can give me. Following it is another matter."

"You've got a point there," Pearl admitted. "I can be terribly bad at following advice, myself."

"Now then... the thing which is on my mind is that... I miss Peridot," Lapis stated.

Pearl stayed silent. It was best to let Lapis take her time.

"I miss her right _now_ ," Lapis continued. "I mean, even when she's here, she's often busying herself with some weird project. We do spend time together, though - those moments make me feel so... happy." Lapis realized that she was really opening up to Pearl about something she felt really strongly about. But why not? Pearl was a friend. Why couldn't be it as simple as that?

"Have you told her about how you feel?" asked Pearl.

"That's just the thing!" Lapis exclaimed. "I just... I can't find the time, or the words, or a way to actually show her. If she was any other gem, if she was different, maybe I wouldn't feel like this, because she's just so..." A smile appeared on Lapis' face. She tried to fight it without success. "She's cute. She's just so damn cute, and I can't even tell her that. I doubt she can just read my mind. So yeah, I just can't lay all the blame on her. Does this make any sense to you? I mean, has anything like this ever happened to you?"

"Yes. Yes, it has. Twice, actually. First, with Rose. I always just assumed that we were really, really together. And you probably know what happened, then."

"She met Greg Universe."

"Yes. Even after... especially after they became an item, I never told Rose. I thought that it would only complicate things, make her feel guilty. But now I think that I should have told her. Maybe it would have actually cleared the air between the three of us. But I'll never find out."

"I'm sorry."

"Lapis, you don't have feel sorry about me. I'm fine, really. I'd like to think that on some level, Rose knew. Maybe she knew and didn't try to make me accept her decision. I can't say that I would have reacted in a civilized manner. But this is how things went. Rose is gone, but I'm glad that Steven is here. I've made peace with Greg, too."

"Hmm, you mentioned something about it happening to you twice. What did you mean by that?"

Pearl sighed, and produced a cell phone from her gem. "Look at this. It's a cell phone, and it contains a phone number of a certain human girl I briefly met at a concert some time ago. Can you guess how many times I've called her? Zero. Zip. Null. Zilch. It just becomes harder with every passing day. Maybe she's already forgotten about me. I blew it. I just know I did."

They were silent for a while. The cheery music played on. Finally Lapis thought of something to say: "I guess this is why humans intoxicate themselves so much. I swear that I'll have a bottle or two ready for the next time you come here."

"I don't drink!" objected Pearl.

"Never say never," countered Lapis.

"But I... ohhh, wait a minute. Was there some advice in what you said just now?"

"Definitely... maybe. Do you really want my advice?"

"It can't hurt. So, yes, go ahead."

"Well, seeing as you've only met her once, and only briefly, you have two options. Call her. Or delete her number. Either is perfectly fine. There's no use for you torturing yourself over her. And... I guess I'll try not to torture myself over Peri."

Pearl simply kept nodding her head. Lapis had a point.

There was a pause in the music. Pearl, knowing the Nutcracker by heart, lightened up.

"Hey, the best part of the Nutcracker is about to start: The Prince and the Sugarplum Fairy! Would you like to..."

"I would," said Lapis. Where had this sudden surge of confidence come from? Had Pearl's compliment gotten to her? Or was it the music? Whatever the reason, Lapis would enjoy the moment.

The hauntingly beautiful melody started playing, and the gems started dancing together. Pearl had thought of offering sound advice and criticism while they danced, but decided against it. Lapis was clearly enjoying herself, and pointing out any real or perceived flaws in her technique would just spoil the moment. There would be time for that later, if and when Lapis would want to dance exactly how humans did.

In fact, Lapis was improvising so well that Pearl thought that she was channeling the pure skill of some supernatural being. A particularly benevolent god or goddess of dance, maybe? It was possible. Anything was possible. Earth was weird like that, after all.

After several pirouettes, leaps and lifts, the dance came to a close. "Hold tight," Lapis whispered to Pearl.

"Ok, are you planning on... whoa!" Pearl was cut short as Lapis sprouted her wings, and slowly floated in the air while holding Pearl. As they landed, the music went silent, and the people long gone started applauding.

Lapis and Pearl both curtsied and bowed, first to each other, then to the record player. Lapis lifted the needle off the record and turned back towards Pearl. "Well, what did you think...?"

She was cut short as she noticed a familiar figure at the barn entrance. "Peridot!"

Peridot just stood there. She had watched most of Lapis and Pearl's dance and was quite impressed by it. Lapis could _lead_ like that? Peridot had forgotten to feel jealous at the sight of her barn mate and the terrifying rebel Pearl dancing together so well. But was this _another_ Percy and Pierre scenario she was witnessing?

"What's going on? Pearl, are you trying to steal my Lapis?"

 _I'm_ hers _now?_ Lapis thought. She exchanged a glance with Pearl.

"Peridot! I didn't see you come in... - Oh! We were just practicing..." said Lapis and Pearl simultaneously.

"What did you just say? I couldn't understand a single word! Don't you know that you're supposed to _fuse_ if you want to talk with just one mouth?"

"Oh, no, no, that wasn't a fusion dance!" Pearl explained. "It was a human dance. A ballet! Have you ever heard a gem fusion dance that sounded like that? No, you haven't. So there! It's not even a romantic ballet, really!"

Peridot sighed. If Maximus the gladiator could be merciful, then so could she. "It wasn't a fusion dance? What a pity."

"A pity?" Lapis asked.

"I mean, your explanation is logical and therefore accepted!" Peridot quickly corrected herself. "I do have to admit that your performance was quite impressive. But... ahem! But while you have been dancing, I have completed my second most important mission ever. Me, Peridot! I have emerged victorious. Veni, vidi, vici!" She made a Roman salute. Pearl and Lapis were baffled, but at least Peridot didn't seem to have any leftover feelings of jealousy, which was good.

"I have retrieved and returned the hair enhancer that belonged to the future leader of this planet. I'll show you how it happened. Now, imagine that I'm Donald Trump. Ahem."

Peridot attempted to make her hair look like Trump's.

"That'll have to do. Hm! Hm! Ahem! Now then... there is nothing that cannot be cured by American democracy!"

"That sounds more like Bill Clinton," Pearl pointed out.

"Which one of us is telling the story? You or me?" Peridot snapped. "Now then, where was I? It's time to make America..."

" _SQUEEEAAAAWK!_ "

Quicker than the eye could see, Peridot caught a seagull with her left hand. "I KNEW IT! The criminal always returns to the crime scene. You little devil! Did you try to steal my hair now? Attempted theft is enough to make you a repeat offender! Soon we'll find out exactly how much energy your physical form contains! There is a picnic outside, and at least one of us isn't picky with her source of nourishment!"

"No! Let it go!" Lapis pleaded.

The gull looked at Peridot with sad eyes.

"Go on, then," said Peridot, letting the gull go. It wasted no time flying out of the barn. "Peridot the Merciful! We are nothing but shadows and dust, my friends. Shadows and dust!"

Lapis noticed a splinter in Peridot's hair and removed it. The little green gem didn't object. "Peridot, forget about gulls and toupees. I'm sure you did a wonderful job finding it, but I'm just glad that you're safe and sound. I was worried about you."

Peridot, looking like a 6 feet tall professional wrestling champion with an ego to match, tried to keep a cool face.

There had been something odd about that gull, though. _Normally, that particular subspecies doesn't end up in Beach City_ , Pearl thought. Another mystery, but solving it would have to wait. "Um, Peridot?"

"Yes, what is it?"

"The actual reason why I'm here... Hm, is that Mayor Dewey's car over there?"

Peridot beamed with pride. "Yes! He's my second customer. I haven't started on it yet, though, but I totally fixed the limousine that was here earlier. So, do you have business with Dewey?"

"No! No, that's definitely not it! I was wondering if there's any chance I might take a look at your attack drones. I'll be honest with you - it has come to my attention that they have gained sentience, so naturally I'd like to inspect them."

 _Of course the gossip has already spread,_ Peridot thought. _Might as well let Pearl do her thing, or she'll never leave us alone._

"Yes, you may. Wait a minute! What exactly are you going to do with them?"

"Well, I thought about dismantling one of them and..."

"No."

"What?"

"I mean, you can't do that. They are really sentient, and I kind of promised that there would be no invasive procedures done to them. And keeping promises is really important here on Earth."

"Well, can I at least download their debug logs, perform a memory dump and take another look at the blueprints?"

"Yeah, yeah, follow me. Lapis, I'll just show Pearl the drones. It'll take only a second."

"Okay, Peri. Bring a cold fruit drink from the fridge once you're done," said Lapis and flew upstairs.

Peridot led Pearl to the drone charging station(TM). Pearl summoned some diagnostic equipment, data rods, USB cables and a laptop from her gem.

"All right, thank you, Peridot. If you guys want to join our picnic..."

"Maybe we will. I also heard that Steven would like to see my thriving business. I'll gladly give you a presentation, but first, I have some things I need to take care of. Oh, and Pearl?"

"Yes?"

"I wanted to ask you if you knew what 'incognito' means."

Pearl was happy to help.

"Incognito: without being known; in disguise; in an assumed character, or under an assumed title. Anything else?"

"What about incontinento?"

Assuming that Peridot was joking at Pearl's expense (which was pretty much true), Pearl let out an audible 'Ugggh.' Lapis heard it and gave a snicker. Pearl noted that Peridot was visibly happy to hear the water gem laugh at her joke.

"If you must know, look it up on Wiktionary," Pearl said. "It's 'incontinent', by the way. Without an 'o'. Aaaand I'm just going to inspect the drones now and see how the picnic is coming along."

Pearl worked quickly, giving the drones only a minimal examination. She didn't even try to strike up a conversation with them. Therefore, it fell on Brigit to introduce themselves to Pearl.

"Hello, friendly gem. We recognize you - you are Pearl of the Crystal Gems. Would you..."

"Yes, yes, another time. I'll just download some data. I have some urgent business I need to take care of."

Normally, Pearl would have done a thorough analysis of the drones' artificial intelligence. If she could somehow integrate the drone AI with her own holo pearls, she could build an army of advanced shock troops. But for now, she wanted to give Peridot and Lapis some time for themselves. At least, that's how she rationalized it.

After Pearl had gone, the drones started to communicate with each other:

"What is it with her? Are we not droids?"

"Well, technically, we're drones..."

"Please don't nitpick."

"Guys, guys... did you see the look on her face? If I have learned anything about gems, is that matters of the heart are a major distraction that interfere with your assigned or adopted profession, not the other way around. And that Pearl has got it bad. Real bad."

"You mean...?"

"Yes. She's lovesick, and then some. There's nothing we can do for her right now."

"Well, if she has any competition, so to speak, we could obliterate them..."

Had Pearl been around to hear such a violent suggestion, she might not have been able to voice any objections. The reason for this was the very same the drones had speculated: owing to her conversation with Lapis, Pearl's mind had become occupied with thoughts of the pink haired girl. Garnet had often stressed that missions, Beach City, Earth, Steven and the rebellion came first, but the girl _had_ made a lasting impression on Pearl.

-o-

Garnet, Amethyst and Steven noticed the worried look on Pearl's face as she walked out of the barn.

"Hey P! We saw Peridot just go in. She and Lapis all right?" Amethyst asked.

"Hm? What? Oh, yes, everything's fine," said Pearl absentmindedly.

"You're distracted by _something_ ," Garnet stated.

"Oh, I just... Well, I guess there's something that has been bothering me for a while," Pearl admitted. "In fact, it's something I have to deal with right now, one way or another."

"Lemme guess, it's not mayor Dewey?" Amethyst asked.

"No, it's not," Pearl replied, not even bothering to raise her voice. She recounted her and Lapis' conversation about the pink haired girl.

"So, you're going to call her, aren't you?" asked Steven, trying to encourage Pearl.

"No. I'm going to erase her number from my phone and from my mind. Maybe then I can focus on..."

"Noooooo! Don't do it!" Steven cried. "You went through all that trouble just to talk to her! Are you going to throw that away?"

"I've made my decision," said Pearl, summoning her phone. "Let's see... mystery girl... options... where's the delete function?"

Not exactly familiar with iPhone user interface, Pearl misclicked. Instead of deleting the number, she hit 'call' instead.

"What the...? Oh no! How do I cancel?! Steven! Operator! Somebody! Help me!"

"Hello," came a voice from the phone. It was definitely the girl Pearl had met. "Sheena Jacobi speaking. Who's there?"

Pearl couldn't get a word out of her mouth. "Talk to her!" Garnet mouthed silently.

"Hello? Is this a prank call?" asked the mysterious girl.

"I, um... Yes, this is a prank call! Or a wrong number! Awfully sorry!" Pearl said, totally handling the situation (not really).

"Well, I can't think of a more pleasant prank call; I recognize your voice. Pearl, is it? I remember you from the concert. How are you doing?"

"Fine! Absolutely fabulous! And how... how are you?"

"Much better now, thank you," said Sheena. "So, it took you some time, then?"

"What?"

"It took you some time to gather courage."

"Courage? For what?"

"To ask me out, silly! That's why you're calling me, right?"

Amethyst had pressed her ear against Pearl's phone. Pearl was so nervous that she didn't even consider shooing her off. "Amethyst! What do I say? Oh, for the love of stars, please help me!" she whispered to her friend.

"SAY YES!" Amethyst whispered back as loud as she could.

"YES!" Pearl said. She could hardly believe that she was saying such an important 'yes'. Was this really happening?

"All right. Do you have any suggestions? You know, like a movie? Restaurant? Another concert? Just so you know, anything is fine with me," the girl said.

Again, Pearl looked at Amethyst with a look of helplessness in her eyes.

"Okay, this is what you tell her, P," Amethyst whispered. "Sorry to keep you waiting, Sheena. I guess I'm a bit shy, especially now that I know how cool you are. I'm so glad you understand. Why don't we go and see the Beach City 200 years parade, and then try out some local street food - I'll just settle for a smoothie or a coke, doctor's orders, I'm afraid. There's a lot of stuff going on during the festivities, so we can go see a movie, a play, or we can go meet Shia LeBeouf at the art museum or something. You know, we can figure it out as we go. Whaddya say?"

The part of Pearl's mind which was still functioning normally recorded Amethyst's speech word by word.

"Hello? Pearl, you still there? It's ok if you're shy - I find it kind of cute, so don't worry about it. Just don't go all mute on me, ok?"

Sheena's voice shocked Pearl back to her senses. Well, sort of.

"Uh, sorry to keep you waiting, Sheena. I guess I'm a bit shy, especially now that I know how cool you are. I'm so glad you understand. Why don't we go and see the Beach City 200 years parade the day after tomorrow, and then try out some local street food - I'll just settle for a smoothie or a coke, doctor's orders, I'm afraid. There's a lot of stuff going on during the festivities, so we can go see a movie, a play, or we can go meet Shia LeBeef at the art museum or something. You know, we can figure it out as we go. What do you say?"

"Your doctor ordered you coke? Heh. Well, I sure like your voice. That is a yes, by the way. Just give me an address, and I'll pick you up at... How does 11:00 sound?"

"Yes! Oh! My address! It's Beach City 19971, The Crystal Temple, beach of Beach City, Beach City."

"Beach City? I'll try to remember that," Sheena joked. "All right, I'll see you then. Bye!"

"Bye..." said Pearl and ended the call.

"Good job, Pearl," Garnet said. Of course she wasn't surprised, but she was all the more happy for Pearl.

"Whu... what? What just happened?" Pearl stammered, looking at her phone in disbelief.

"Looks like it's our Cyrano here who got a date!" Amethyst said. "Guess I'm done teasing you with good'ol mayor Dewey..."

"Way to go, Pearl!" Steven exclaimed, patting Pearl on the back.

A smile crept on Pearl's face as she slowly realized that she was indeed going on a date with the mysterious human girl.

-o-

"This is really important," Peridot said to Lapis. "Take a close look. Did the man in your dream look like this?" She handed Lapis a newspaper clipping, displaying a picture of David Bowie.

"No. Well, he was definitely a human, and he did have some make up on, but it had more contrast. Black and white, maybe? Hold on, I think I know where I've seen it, I'll just do a quick image search..."

Lapis entered a few keyboards to google image search. "There. I think he looked like that."

It was a picture of a black haired man, with an equally black star painted around his right eye. The image metadata read: "Paul Stanley, Kiss, Starchild, Beach City concert '79"

"But... but... that's not the Star _Man_ ," said Peridot. "I don't understand! The signs were so clear. You are my barn mate, so it would make sense that he contacts you in your sleep becauseIdon'tUsuallyHaveDreamsButWhenI'mAwakeHe'sBeenTalkingToMeThroughoutTheDayOrSoItFeelsAndHeHasGivenMeSoMuchAdviceAndHeAlsoGaveMeAgiftAndThatShouldBeUrrrrrrrrk..."

"Peridot, snap out of it!" Lapis shouted. Grabbing Peridot by her shoulders, she said: "Look, maybe I was mistaken. Maybe he did have red hair instead of red lips and so on. And even if he didn't, maybe this Star Man of yours can shape shift?"

"Shape shift? You just made that up to make me feel better," Peridot said sadly.

"Well, I do want you to feel better," Lapis admitted. "But the details of my dream are a bit hazy. They don't invalidate any of your experiences, okay?"

Peridot lightened up. "You're right! Thank you, Lapis! Oh, before I forget, I have something else you absolutely must see. A gift from the real Star Man!"

She handed Lapis her iPad. "Just open the video recorder and select the most recently recorded clip."

Lapis watched as Lars and Kevin argued on the video. Pausing the clip, she said: "Peridot, did you get permission to record this? Isn't this a violation of the privacy or something?"

"I was in a public space! Besides, who cares? Just keep watching it, it gets better soon!"

Flipping a coin inside her mind, Lapis decided that she could always lecture Peridot later. Besides, her curiosity was too great to stop watching.

As Kevin and Lars started making up and making out, the color on Lapis' face changed to a darker shade of blue. "Oh my stars... This is actually very beautiful. How did you manage to capture this moment?" she asked.

With her voice full of excitement, Peridot said: "Star Man led me to them! Now tell me, Lapis, do these guys remind you of someone? Does this say anything to you?"

Finally! _She's finally making her move_ , thought Lapis. Peridot wasn't good with words, so of course she would show a video to woo her barn mate! "Peridot, this... this is... they are P..." Lapis stammered.

"You're absolutely right!" exclaimed Peridot. "Those two are the real life Percy and Pierre! Team Pierrcy forever! Camp Pining Hearts forever!"

Lapis Lazuli felt like a deflating football. The worst was yet to come, however, and she knew exactly what Peridot would suggest next. It didn't make things any easier.

"Dear Lapis, we haven't watched Camp Pining Hearts for many days now. What do you say we fire up the DVD player, and..."

"NO!" screamed Lapis. "I don't want to keep watching the stupid Camp Bleeding Hearts anymore! Why on Earth would someone as intelligent as you waste another minute of her time on such drivel?! And why would _I_ do that? We've got Seinfeld, Ellen, Band of Brothers, and Star Trek: DS9. We have whole new worlds to explore and analyze, and you want to keep watching the same old garbage instead? Well, let me tell you something: I'm watching something else. If you don't want to, fine, but if you want to keep polluting your mind with Pining Hearts, you'll just have to wait! I gave the DVD box to Mayor Dewey, so there!"

Peridot's form flickered violently, at least on the inside. "YOU DID WHAT?!"

"You heard me! I gave the Camp Pining Hearts DVD box to Mayor Dewey. Look, I had to get rid of him somehow, so..."

"Please hand me the iPad, Lapis," said Peridot with a surprisingly calm voice. In an equally calm manner, she put the iPad on a table and crossed her arms.

Lapis waited for the explosion of rage, but it never came. Peridot simply stood there with an angry face.

"Look, Peridot, I had to think fast. I wanted to send Mayor Dewey away so she wouldn't bother Pearl, at least for a while."

"A likely story!" Peridot snapped. "I'm sure you wanted to send Dewey away so you and Pearl could have some privacy together! No - don't try to deny it. I'm not listening, and I'm definitely not talking to you. You won't get a beep out of me. I am sealing my lips. I will be silent in your presence from now on. Normally, I would either fight you or tell you to apologize and go get the DVDs back..."

 _Peridot, why don't you be the bigger person now?_

Peridot looked around, trying to catch a glimpse of the source of the familiar strange voice. "Who said that? I don't want to hear any more sizeism!"

"Peridot?" Lapis asked.

 _I spoke symbolically, Peridot,_ the voice continued. _Take a deep breath and count to three._

Again, the truth dawned to Peridot with a slight delay. Of course Star Man had just spoken to her! What did he mean? Bigger person? What does a bigger person do? Aha, forgiveness! That had to be it! Peridot took a deep breath. "One, two, three. Look at me, Lapis. What you're seeing is the beginning of the new Peridot. "

 _For someone who threatens to give someone the silent treatment, she's real loud_ , thought Lapis, but wisely chose not to point it out.

"When I emerged, I was Peridot Facet-2F5L Cut-5XG. Yesterday, I was Peridot. Today, I am miss Peridot Crystal. Tomorrow I could be Peridot the Great! I can live without the DVD box set (for a while) - I can buy a new box, the studio where they filmed the show, the entire cast and the kingdom of Canada."

Lapis decided to test the waters, so to speak, by addressing Peridot with her nickname. "Peri, please, what is it that you really want to say?"

"I forgive you, Lapis. I totally forgive you! You're still my..."

But suddenly Peridot's eyes closed and she fainted, falling on the floor with a thud. That's what happens when one's ego, super ego and id are all pulling in different directions at the same time or something like that.

-o-

Author's notes: I really liked writing this one. Although this story is labeled as humor/adventure, categorizing a story can be a bit iffy, as I've tried to include more serious chapters among all the silliness and parodic elements. I believe that writing a real parody is the hardest game. So, for now, "humor/adventure" will do.


	17. The Dragon of Beach City

Chapter 17: The Dragon of Beach City

-o-

When interviewed by the Beach City Post, Peridot was asked: which pop culture franchise, Star Wars or Star Trek, has more influence in our society? Peridot gave the following reply:

" _Star Trek. It clearly foretells the future of Earth and its mission - to conquer the entire universe. I just can't stand that inter dimensional space freak, Q. I would like nothing more than tossing a neutron torpedo in Q's backyard. That would show him!_ "

This chapter is dedicated to **E;R** , media analyst and YouTuber.

-o-

Something brushed Peridot's arm. As she struggled to open her eyelids, she was greeted by an alarming sight. She was in the middle of a forest, but something was very, very wrong. The air was thick with smoke, and in the distance she could see flames eating at the forest.

A stern voice spoke to her. "Get up, Peridot."

It took great effort for Peridot to turn her head so she could see the being that addressed her. It was a deer stag, a real king of the woods.

"You must get up," it commanded. "Get up. _Get up!_ "

Even Yellow Diamond could never, ever speak with such authority in her voice. Peridot found that instead of being terrified by the deer's voice, she gained strength from it and slowly but surely got on her feet.

"Come with me," said the deer. "The forest is on fire. It's the humans' fault. We don't have much time!"

"No, I started the fire! This is my fault!" said Peridot.

-o-

Garnet, Amethyst, Steven and Lapis had gathered around the fainted Peridot and were figuring out how to wake her up. Meanwhile, high above the barn, a real dragon gave a mighty roar, but the gems ignored it, being worried about Peridot.

"Try splashing her with water?" Amethyst suggested.

Desperate for a cure, Lapis sacrificed a small part of her water wing and dropped a ball of water onto Peridot's face.

"Blurrp! Guilty..." said Peridot, but she still wouldn't wake up completely.

"Guilty? What do you mean, Peridot? Peridot! By the stars, what's wrong with her?" said Lapis, trying to shake her friend awake.

"Well, at least she hasn't poofed," Amethyst pointed out. "And her form seems intact, so her gem can't be cracked. It looks intact to me, anyway."

"She's going to be OK, isn't she?" Steven asked.

"She'll be okay, I can tell at least that much," said Garnet. "Lapis, can you tell us what caused her to pass out? It might give us a..."

But to even Garnet's surprise, Peridot opened her eyes. "Who splashed water on my face? Do you realize what penalty such treason carries? I am... I... uh, what? Lapis?"

"Peridot!" Lapis exclaimed. "I thought I lost you! Are you OK? Please tell me that you're OK..."

"I'm fine," Peridot replied. "Looks like I experienced a short malfunction." Not wanting to appear weak in front of the gems, she stood up. "Too much stress and excitement. I guess even peridots have their limits. But I'm fine... ughh!"

Peridot was cut short as she received a tight hug from Steven.

"Don't poof her, Steven!" joked Amethyst.

"I'm stronger than that," said Peridot. "Now then... Lazuli, Steven, Garnet, Amethyst... say, where's Pearl?"

"She's outside, guarding the barn and handling her cell phone," Amethyst said, grinning.

"I see. Well, looks like everyone is fine and... Hey, why are you all looking at me like that?"

Lapis decided that it would be best if she voiced out the concern everyone had for Peridot and her involvement in human affairs. "First of all, we need to talk about your drones, Peri. They're dangerous, and now they've become sentient."

"So?"

"Peridot, we shouldn't recklessly show off our technology to humans," Garnet said. "They are obsessed with developing new ways of discorporating each other."

Peridot thought about protesting, but then she remembered how she had obliterated Mt. Liberace. _Ugh, I must try to be 'reasonable'._ "The drones are foolproof... idiot-proof, even. That makes them human proof. But I suppose you have a point. I won't be able to make America great again by blowing it to bits, so I'll be more careful in the future."

"What." Lapis asked.

"I recognize that slogan," said Amethyst. "It's what that Trump fellow keeps chanting. So, what has the pretentious wannabe business guru been telling you, Peridot? You shouldn't..."

Before Peridot could answer, Pearl entered the barn in a hurry. "Sorry to interrupt you, but is there a place I could hide in here? A limousine is heading this way, and I spotted Mayor Dewey on the navigator's seat. I don't want anything to do with him!"

"Why not?" Amethyst asked with a straight face. "When ships pass in the night..."

"AMETHYST!" Pearl screamed.

"Fine. I'll take care of Dewey for you, then. And don't worry, I'll try to be tactful. Be back in a sec!" Amethyst waved her hand and ran outside.

"But..." said Pearl, but Amethyst was already gone.

After 15 seconds, Amethyst ran back inside the barn.

"Guys! You gotta hide me!"

"Don't tell me you're now afraid of Mayor Dewey, too," Peridot said. "See that hay stack over there? Just burrow in there. I'll handle the rest," she suggested.

"IT'S NOT ABOUT MAYOR DEWEY!" screamed Amethyst. "Take a wild guess who's on the driver's seat!"

"Mahmoud Ahmadinejad?" Peridot guessed. For some reason, she really liked name dropping - or perhaps she was possessed by a djinn that did.

"NO! It's Donald! I refuse to have anything to do with that man, you hear me?! You want to fix his car, fine. You want to do his dirty work, fine. But I don't want him seeing me here and..."

"Amy?" came a voice. "Stars and stripes, is it really you?"

At the barn door stood a human male. Donald J. Trump!

"Speak of the devil. Yes, I'm _sometimes_ called Amy" Amethyst admitted. "But... but... so what?!"

Peridot whispered to Amethyst: "He's a customer of mine! Don't embarrass me!"

Amethyst shrugged. _I'll try to behave, then, for Peridot's sake,_ she decided.

"I hope I'm not interrupting anything..." said Trump.

"No, not at all!" Peridot assured. "How are you doing?"

"I'm fine, miss Crystal" said Trump. He then looked at Amethyst again. "Miss Amethyst, if I've ever learned anything during my lifetime, it's that time passes quickly. Too quickly! There are things I want to discuss with you, before..."

"No - thanks. As in, no thanks. No thank you!"

"Amethyst, please," said Pearl. "We are the Crystal Gems, and our mission statement doesn't include being rude to anyone."

"Fine," said Amethyst. Turning to Trump, she said: "But make it _quick_ , capiche?"

Donald Trump cast a glance at Pearl and others present in the barn, then turned to Amethyst. "Capiche. Look, I'm sorry that we couldn't continue our... _WrestleMania business_ together. I was quite impressed by your _skills._ If I hadn't hired _that other talent_ after you left, we'd be still _doing_ business _together._ You see..."

Amethyst felt her cheeks redden. "Look, _mister_ , your flattery won't work on me."

"I know, I know. That's why I find... I mean, that's one thing that makes you the strong gem that you are."

The corner of Amethyst's mouth made an involuntary twitch. Was it a smile?

"Well, no more flattery, then," said Trump. "I guess you don't always get what you want, even if you do end up as a winner, like I do. I can see you're doing fine, though, and that will have to be enough for me."

Pearl had been following the exchange between the strange human and her friend. Using her superior intellect, she instantly put two and two together. Amethyst and Donald Trump! _Amethyst and Trump, together_! The grudge between them didn't originate from any professional wrestling disagreement. More like private wrestling between the sheets! Donald Trump's clumsy attempt at obscuring the truth and Amethyst's body language only served to confirm Pearl's theory. Only an idiot (or a Peridot) would take Trump's speech literally.

"Oh, Amethyst, my dear, you've never really told us about your professional wrestling career, at least not in detail," Pearl teased with a sugar coated hockey mom voice.

Garnet saw an argument, possibly a fight, between Pearl and Amethyst in the immediate future, so she signaled Peridot to start talking - anything.

"Oh, what's that, Gar...? Oh! Let me introduce the rest of us!" said Peridot. "You remember Lapis, my barn mate. And this here is Pearl. She's the mechanical genius. Just like me."

"So you're Pearl, eh? It's a beautiful name! But you don't look like a mechanic to me," said Trump.

"Actually, I'm a knight, too," replied Pearl, lifting her nose up slightly.

"Where's your armor and your horse, then?" quipped Trump, leaning forward despite Pearl's bayonet of a nose.

Pearl leaned forward, too. "I have many epic and legendary armor sets in my armory, and I left my horse with Mr. Washington. He needed it for an important mission."

"Denzel Washington?"

"No, George."

Trump saw an opportunity to deliver a flattering comment. "Well, miss knight, I must admit that at least your wit is razor sharp." Ever the gentleman, he grabbed Pearl's hand and planted a kiss on it. "Enchanté."

Not immune to flattery, Pearl didn't really know how to take it. Amethyst poked Pearl gently with her elbow, grinning.

"And that one is..." said Peridot, pointing at Garnet.

"I'm Garnet," the terrifying war machine said. "A handshake will do for me. Just a handshake. It's best if Ruby doesn't get angry."

Not wanting to find out how angry Ruby would get, Trump simply shook Garnet's hand. "I see that you guard your borders. I respect that."

Noticing Steven, he asked: "And who might you be, young master?"

"I'm Steven Universe," the boy said.

"Steven Universe, eh? I guess you're Captain Planet's superior, then. But aren't you supposed to be in school?"

"Well, the thing is, I, uh... It's kind of complicated for a half gem like me..."

"Say no more. You're home schooled, aren't you? Well, it's your parents' decision. You gotta respect that. Not a bad thing these days, really. They teach all kinds of nonsense to kids in public schools!"

"Nonsense?" Steven asked. Connie had sometimes complained about school and 'common crap', but Steven had thought that it was what kids of their age were supposed to do.

"Yes, nonsense - and that nonsense is called Common Core, also known as Common Bore or Common Snore, pardon my French," Trump said. "Let me tell you this: there's no Common Core in Trump University! A kid like you could become the first half gem president. Think about it!"

 _Does he really understand what a half gem is?_ Pearl thought. She suddenly remembered the reason why they all were worried about Trump's sudden interest in Peridot. "Psst! Garnet, use your future vision and see if he's trying to steal _our_ technology!" she whispered.

"No... I don't think so," Garnet assured. Despite knowing better, she took another peek at the future. "Oh my. Oh dear. Oh, stars."

"What are you two whispering about? Something about me?" Trump asked.

"We thought you were going to steal Peridot's attack drones," Garnet stated. "But I can see that you're going to explain why you won't."

"Huh, what? How did you... I... Huh, you're right. I could probably invent better drones myself. No offense, Miss Peridot... Besides, I'm smart enough to look at the big picture. There are other factors to consider when dealing with alien technology: integration in existing defense/attack systems, maintenance, logistics, serial production... Earth doesn't have the means to mass produce tetryon whatsit cannons and so on. That would require years, even decades of the entire Earth pulling together, and I don't see Earth being unified during my first term as president. Besides, we've got nukes. Nuclear fission bombs - the opposite of fusion, come to think of it! Ha, ha, ha!"

Peridot bit her lip. Although she had considered the mass production of gem weapons as a practical impossibility, something about what Trump said sounded like a challenge. Surely a Peridot could do it! But maybe, just maybe it was better not to brag about it yet.

"I see your wit is like a war hammer - very blunt. But there's still something you're not telling us," Pearl voiced the concern that most of the gems shared.

"Oh, but I'm going to tell everything. And when, you ask? I'm doing it right now!"

Turning around, Trump waved at Mayor Dewey who was waiting outside.

Mayor Dewey, carrying a briefcase, stepped in. As soon as he spotted Pearl, he began his well-rehearsed routine: "Ah, but hello, there, Miss Pearl! I..."

"Does he really need to be here? If not, I'll gladly _shove_ him out," Pearl said, suppressing the urge to carry out her threat immediately.

Trump made a 'whoa, we've got an agent of Hydra over here' gesture. "Whoa there! Now, now, we're all friends here. Let's get to the point, shall we? The briefcase, Dewey ol'boy."

"But I need to tell Miss Pearl..." Dewey whined.

"Look, you've got no business with Miss Pearl right now," Trump spoke with his well-rehearsed 'shut up or be fired' - voice. "Don't forget that these gems are an important part of your community. Imagine what would happen if they took off to China? Now play ball, and give her some space."

"Very well. I guess I'll just wait outside, then," said Dewey, smart enough to acknowledge his defeat.

"Wait! Wait! Mayor Dewey, a word, please. 79, in fact," said Peridot.

"Whu... what?" asked Dewey, once again hopeful for a chance to impress the hot gem, Pearl. So much for admitting defeat, or being smart.

"I heard you _borrowed_ my Camp Pining Hearts DVD box set," Peridot said. "You can keep them for the rest of the month. That should give you enough time to watch them and analyze the wonderfully crafted plot arcs. You may pick your car around tomorrow afternoon. As for Miss Pearl here, she actually belongs to me."

"Now hold on for just one minute..." started Pearl.

Peridot ignored her, and continued: "I won her at a robot Olympics contest. I mean, I literally won _her_. I never received a prize, so she'll have to do."

Before Pearl could protest further, Mayor Dewey spoke: "Oh, I see. Well, in that case, I'll return your DVD box tomorrow." Then he fell silent.

Trump opened the briefcase with two loud snaps. "All right, with that out of the way... Now, where was it... Ah! Stick around, Dewey, and you'll soon have something to tell to the folks at the city hall. Hm! Here you go, Miss Peridot." He produced a pile of official documents and handed them to Peridot.

"Thanks! Uh, what is this?" Peridot asked.

"Good question! How will you find out?"

"I... read these?" asked Peridot. It was apparent that she hadn't fully recovered from her loss of consciousness.

"No, you get your secretary to read them aloud for you! But more about that later. That, Miss Peridot, is the approval document for the official World Heritage Landmark Collection, signed, sealed and delivered. The Star Man wall mural is now acknowledged by the UNESCO. Anybody who tries to deface the wall can be shot and thrown in jail!"

"I'm pretty sure UNESCO doesn't work like that," Steven objected.

"Well, they better update their policies, then," Trump said. "Or else we'll withdraw our membership. I don't see that happening, though." There was indeed a lot that Trump or anyone else couldn't see. He then spoke to Peridot, ignoring any further protests from Steven. "Miss Peridot, here's something more useful: a license to carry a firearm and an NRA membership card," Trump continued. "They're basically preapproved, you just fill in your name."

"Hm, I wonder if this covers summoned weapons, too." Peridot wondered aloud.

"I'm sure it will. You'll have to excuse me for not bringing you one. But you know, you have to choose a weapon for yourself that fits you the best. There are plenty of good firearms on this planet."

"Hm, I must admit that those Heckler & Koch assault rifles I've seen on YouTube looked interesting. Thank you!"

"Don't go for that Swiss crap. Get an American weapon, that's my advice. Also, don't thank me just yet. See, I got more paper for you!" And sure enough, Trump gave Peridot another stack of official looking documents.

"These are citizenship applications. Fill them up, send them in the mail to the specified address and you'll get a citizenship certificate faster than you can say 'Hola'. I called in a few favors. Pass them around, will you? There's enough for everybody!"

"Hm, I could use one of those," Pearl thought aloud as she took one of the applications. "Then I can get a driver's license..."

"I won't need one," said Amethyst, shaking her head as Pearl offered the applications. "I was born in the USA. If anyone doubts it, they can go take a look at my hole at the Kindergarten. Or I could just punch them." After a moment, she added: "Thanks for the offer, though."

"I was born in the USA, too!" said Steven. "And I've got identification somewhere, too. Oh, rats, I left it in Uncle Andy's (Fw 44) Stieglitz when we visited Korea!"

 _It must have been South Korea. Otherwise they would have been shot down_ , Trump reasoned in his mind. _That, or the guy is an agent of North Korea. Better make a mental note - another background check for the FBI to make._

"Technically, I was born here, too," said Garnet. She was really happy at her clever inside joke, which was also technically the truth. Since Trump had done his homework on gems, he might have laughed at the joke had he actually been listening to Garnet.

Dewey, still pining over Pearl, couldn't have cared less whether or not the gems were actual citizens. He would definitely let (and beg) them to stay either way.

"How about you, _princess_ Lazuli?" Trump asked.

Lapis, noticing Peridot's puppy eyes staring at her, took one of the applications without saying a word.

"Good, good. American citizenship is solid gold. It's solid gold, I tell you! But here comes the grand prize, and it's for Peridot," spoke Trump, really feeling himself. He handed a single piece of paper (it was green and the text was in MS Comic Sans) to Peridot, who did her best to focus on the text.

"Gems, humans, countrymen! Lend me your ears! As you probably know, I'm going to be the next President of _our_ great country, _our_ United States of America. But before that happens, there's just the small matter of the presidential elections. I've got plenty of good men and women working 26 hours per day to spread the good message. I... We are going make America great again!

Miss Peridot here, while not yet a citizen, has gone behind and below the call of duty (black ops) to serve America, first by fixing my car and then by retrieving my hair enhancer. That's talent and dedication, my friends. So, as a reward, Miss Peridot, I'm offering you a job. Just write your signature on the application. And answer the questions truthfully - you know, stuff like 'have you ever been a member of the communist party', but you just answer 'no' to those. The big 'yes' is what really matters now."

Peridot stared at the application. _If I understand correctly, I am going to get so many followers to my blog if I accept. This is big. Really big._ "Can I... can I have a minute to think it over?" stammered Peridot.

"Let me quote Einstein: Time moves quickly in business and politics, Miss Peridot. I'll give you two minutes!"

Peridot looked at Trump, then at the document, then at Trump again. As her pupils turned into stars, she couldn't focus her optic sensors properly anymore. However, she could still feel and hear perfectly. She felt Lapis' hands on her shoulders.

"Peridot, you're not really considering of accepting?" Lapis said, genuine concern in her voice.

"Lapis, don't be an _armchair quarterback_ ," Peridot said. She had learned a funny Earth term from somewhere, and she used it for the sake of using it.

"Armchair... what?"

"Nothing! Sorry! I... Please, Lapis. I think I want this job. I want to get out of this barn, at least for some time. And I don't mean just physically. But... oh stars... I can't do it on my own, and I don't want to. Lapis, I know how you feel about this, but..."

"Do you? Well, how _do_ I feel?"

Peridot swallowed, another human mannerism she had picked up. "You must think I'm being crazy. I might have made you feel like I'm ignoring you, but I'm not - your every word is recorded into my brain! It's just that I'm overwhelmed by it all. Overwhelmed by you. It's not easy for me to speak my mind about these things, and I do get easily distracted sometimes.

Maybe I and the entire world are crazy, but this will be an adventure, a real adventure, and I want to go with you. You could be my secretary, or... um." Peridot had clearly exhausted her supply of words for the moment. Or perhaps there was another reason for the abrupt end to her speech? In any case, she had clearly spoken from her heart.

"Yeah, well that 'um' sounds just perfect" came Lapis' sarcastic reply. Looking around, she noticed that Garnet was giving her a thumbs up, much to her surprise. Obviously Garnet knew something, and since everyone trusted her... Lapis turned Peridot around so they were facing each other. "You know what? I'll come with you, if only to keep you out of trouble. You'll be needing my help, I just know it."

"Oh, thank you, Lapis!" Peridot exclaimed. She didn't need her eyesight to catch Lapis in a tight embrace.

"Peridot, I don't know things will turn out, but I won't hold you back. If you want this, then go ahead and sign that paper. And most importantly, I won't leave you, unless you want me to..."

"I would never want that! Is that clear, Lazuli?"

"OK, OK! You don't have to hold me so tight! Ow! Just... ah, that's better. But don't let go just yet."

"Mmm."

Everyone, the Gems, Dewey and even Trump and the seagulls had the decency to let Peridot and Lapis have their moment together. Nobody even considered interrupting them.

"All right, Peri... I think the two minutes are up," said Lapis finally.

"Thank you. Thank you, Lapis," the green gem said, slowly letting go off her barn mate (only physically, though). "Does anybody have a pen?"

 **"** Here's a pen, Miss Peridot," Trump said.

Peridot scribbled her name on the paper and handed it to Trump, her hand shaking.

"Good! And now I'll tell you about the dragon. Listen up, especially you, Miss Peridot! You see, I came to Beach City to find a dragon. Dragons are awesome! Why would I settle for some dusty treasure that such a noble beast might be guarding? Why would I settle for the dragon's fire or claws? Miss Peridot, you are a gem of immense strength. You - are - a - dragon! You _are_ the one and only dragon of Beach City, and together, you and I shall perform great deeds and make America great again!

My fellow sentient beings, it is with great pleasure that I introduce **the next vice president of the United States of America to you:**

 _ **miss Peridot Crystal!**_ _"_

-o-

Just before Adolf Hitler's suicide, his valet, Heinz Linge, asked him:

" _For whom should we fight now?_ "

To which Adolf responded,

" _For the gem who comes after me._ "

END OF ACT I


	18. Would you like to see a star?

**Chapter 18:** Would you like to see a star?

"America is the land of the second chance - and when the gates of the prison open, the path ahead should lead to a better life."

\- George W. Bush

-o-

"...and such mechanics are at work when populists like senator Palpatine rise to power," Connie spoke as she was finishing her presentation. She had talked about people like Christopher Columbus, Joan Crawford, David Bowie, Michael Jackson, Amy Winehouse, Ronald McDonald and most importantly, a certain famous pilot to dissect heroism and hero worship.

"Heroism is a matter of perspective and transitory: someone's hero is a villain for someone else. And just as we elevate and revere movie stars, athletes, war heroes or even politicians, we often cast them down the moment some investigating journalist uncovers something ugly from their past.

People are people, and often they can't be categorized into villains and heroes. There are no 100% perfect heroes or role models. I wouldn't stop using such terms however - they _are_ convenient in everyday conversation."

The way Connie delivered that particular line was rewarded with a chuckle from the audience.

"Well, I hope you enjoyed my presentation. Thank you everyone!"

There was a round of applause and Connie returned to her seat.

The teacher, Mrs. Gerdenheim, hummed the first nine notes of _Das Deutschlandlied_. "Well, thank you, Connie," she said. "Good work. All right, class, we have a couple of presentations tomorrow. I will give each and every one of you some written feedback on your presentations next week. And that wraps up another productive school day! Remember your homework! Good bye, everyone."

"Good bye, Mrs. Gerdenheim!" the entire class piped.

As Connie stepped in the relatively fresh air of the schoolyard, she took out her cellphone, powered it on and called Steven. It took an entire minute for him to pick up, and for a brief moment, Connie thought that Steven was ignoring her. "Nah, that's not it - he's probably fighting corrupted gems or getting captured by the Homeworld again. Oh, shoot, that's even worse!"

Finally, Steven answered the call. Before Connie could say anything, Steven started explaining what had just happened at the barn: "Connie! You won't believe what just happened! Peridot is going to be the vice president!"

"What?! Steven, is this a joke, or...?"

"No! It's not a joke! He - Donald Trump - just came in here and started handing out these documents, and then he gave this long speech about dragons and serving America, which was of course complete and utter baloney, expect that it wasn't, and mayor Dewey is here too, and Peridot accepted the job, and Amethyst is stunned, and Pearl is laughing hysterically... oh, she stopped, now she's just stunned. Lapis and Garnet are being cool about the whole thing, but..."

"Oh dear. I was going to ask you to bring Lion over here and take me home, but I guess that's out of the question."

"No, no... I think I need to clear my head a bit. Besides, our 'picnic' here kind of fizzled into thin air. I'll just grab some marshmallows for you and Lion and be on my way. I'll be there in 5 minutes."

"OK, thanks, Steven! Bye!" "Bye."

Connie ended the call... and started laughing hysterically, too. Some of her classmates noticed, and one of them asked Connie: "Connie? Are you all right?"

"Yes, thanks, Kate, I'm fine. Sometimes people laugh when they are mentally or physically exhausted. HAHAHAHAHA!" Connie didn't want to spill the beans about Peridot, but at least she had technically told the truth.

"Weirdo. Later!" "See you tomorrow." "Great presentation. Bye!"

"Thanks... later..." Connie managed to say. Even if her classmates would have tried to insult her, she wouldn't have noticed, as the recent news had left her a bit dizzy. In other words, Earth had gotten to Connie. Peridot - a vice president candidate... Surely she and Trump couldn't win?

-o-

Meanwhile in the Barn, Peridot ran around, demanding hugs from everyone. Trump accepted the hug, but he immediately begun instructing his soon-to-be vice president. "Miss Peridot, calm down! Try to be more... vice presidential! You'll have to be dignified, rational, logical but not to the point of being an icicle. And you have to wield authority."

"More vice presidential, you say? I can do that," assured Peridot. "I'm especially good with authority. High five!"

"What?"

"Come on, high five me, Mr. Trump! It's an American greeting!"

"I see we have a lot of work ahead. But it'll be worth it."

Mayor Dewey, a Trump supporter, even though she didn't see Peridot as vice president material, saw how the wind was blowing. He realized that a resident of Beach City as a vice president would be totally tubular for tourism. "Congratulations, miss Peridot! On behalf of Beach City, I wish you both luck in the upcoming elections."

Having finished his phone call, Steven started sneaking out of the barn. He was stopped by a tap on his shoulder. It was Amethyst.

"Hey, Stevie Wonder. Where are you going?" she whispered.

"Um... nowhere. Are there any marshmallows left?"

"Oh, I left them outside. Hm, it's unlike me to leave the sweets unguarded like that. I must be getting soft... soft as a marshmallow."

"Listen, Connie just phoned me. She asked me to give her a ride and... um..."

"I get it, Stevie. You two want to spend some quality time together! Togetheeeer... mwa mwa!" Amethyst teased.

"Amethyst!"

"Just kidding. I'll wait for Garnet and Pearl. I guess we'll be heading back to the Temple, soon. You go and take care of your important business!"

"I will! Um, shouldn't someone look after Peridot now?"

"Why?"

"If she's going to be a vice president, she's going to need a bodyguard..."

"Awww, Steven, you're so considerate. Don't worry, we'll figure something out. Now don't keep your Connie waiting!"

...

Back inside the Barn, Pearl cast a worried look at Garnet and whispered to her: "Garnet, can't you... do something about _this?_ "

"I don't think I should do anything," Garnet replied. "Just look at Peridot. She looks happy, doesn't she? But you're right: there is something that needs to be addressed. For her sake."

Garnet cleared her throat. "May I have your attention, everyone? I don't claim to know everything about human politics. The Crystal Gems, apart from our Peridot here, have sworn not take part in it. But I have to ask you: are you really going to let a gem be the vice president of the leading superpower of Earth?"

"I assume that question was directed to me," Trump said. "It's an excellent question, actually. The answer is yes! Miss Peridot is an awesome gem. An awesome gem! If anyone disagrees with that, we'll accuse them of xenophobia! And racialism! That's right - my critics will get a taste of their own medicine if they try to mess with us."

"What a brilliant plan," Pearl said sarcastically. "Now, I may be just a dumb Pearl who _belongs_ to Miss Peridot here, so forgive me for speaking without being told to do so, but doesn't the U.S. law require the vice president to be a native citizen?"

Trump saw an opportunity to deliver one of his greatest punchlines ever. "It does, yes, but just look at how far Obama got!"

"But..."

"Pearl, it's no use," Garnet said. "He's going to win, with or without Peridot's help. Things will simply go _smoother_ if Peridot is involved."

From the way Garnet had emphasized the word 'smoother', Pearl understood that something bigger than presidential elections was coming up, and it would be wrong to try to stop Peridot.

A smile crept on Garnet's face as she continued: "But he won't win the popular vote."

The smug smile that Trump had on his face disappeared. "What? Why not?! Don't tell me - Hillary is scheming against me! That does it. No more Mr. Nice Guy!"

"Um, Mr. Trump? Pearl has a point - a real pearl point," Peridot said sadly. "I'm not exactly born here on Earth." She conveniently left out the little detail of her having been an enemy combatant in the past.

"Hmph! To be a vice president you can't afford to be super honest all the time," Trump explained. "Let's say it's a fact that you were born in Switzerland - it's basically the same thing as space. Now think your way around that fact!"

Peridot thought about it. "I have it! I have it! I was poofed and reformed on Earth - in body and spirit. That's kind of like..."

"...being _re_ born," Trump finished her sentence. "Therefore, you were indeed born on Earth - let's make that America of Earth. Just like alternative music is music, alternative facts are still facts. Hooray for vice president Peridot!"

-o-

As expected, Steven and Lion appeared to the schoolyard of Connie's school through a temporary wormhole. Lion was happy to see Connie, but there was something odd about his demeanor.

"Hi Steven! Hi Lion! Steven, what's up with Lion? He looks really full of energy."

"I let him have most of my marshmallows. I better not do that again. Sugar overdose isn't healthy. Maybe that's why we ended up taking a detour and scared a bunch of myna birds (common myna; _Acridotheres tristis_ ) along the way," Steven explained. "Hop aboard!"

They rode in silence for 5 minutes, enjoying the beautiful weather and eating the last of the marshmallows Steven had grabbed.

"So then... Peridot wants to become the vice president?" Connie said.

"Yeah. It's crazy. Peridot. Our Peridot, our friend... I'm not sure how to feel - I'm not sure if it's good news or bad."

"Well, I've got some news that is definitely good. I didn't fire my parents, and my presentation went well!"

"Ohhh, I completely forgot to ask you about that! Heh, I'm really glad things worked out for you."

"That makes two of us." Connie ruffled Steven's hair with one hand, while holding on to him with the other. "Hm, do you think Peridot could get us permits to visit the White House?"

"Hm? Oh, you want to check out the place before we, uh... before you move in."

" _We,_ you say? You have everything figured out, don't you?"

Steven shared a laugh with Connie, who held him a little bit tighter. After all, it would be a shame if the future president of the United States of America fell off a lion and hurt herself.

"Hey, Steven, do you want to hear what I'm working on right now?"

"No. Not really," Steven said half jokingly.

"Great! You see, the Beach City Post is holding an essay competition, 20,000 words from Beach City. I'm going to participate!"

"An essay? What's it about?" Steven asked dutifully.

"It's a secret. Besides, you can read it in the paper, as they'll publish the _winning_ essays for all to see."

The reminder of the ride to the Maheswaran residence was uneventful, but as Steven and Connie dismounted the Lion, they spotted Lars and Kevin talking to a man in a military uniform.

"What the...?" Connie said. "Is that Lars and... Kevin?! What are they talking about with that soldier?"

"Let's find out, but maybe without Lion in tow," Steven suggested.

"You're too kindhearted. But I guess that jerk doesn't deserve to get eaten."

"What, Lars? Ohhh, you meant Kevin. Why are they hanging out together? Hm. Lion, go play in the backyard. Don't scare Mr. and Mrs. Maheswaran. All right, we'll use that trash bin for cover..."

...

"So, how about it, men?" the soldier asked Kevin and Lars. "Would you two put uniforms on?"

"I don't know, sir," Kevin spoke in a mock friendly tone. "Do tell us, field marshal, has the 'don't ask, don't tell' policy been revoked yet?"

"Kevin!" Lars cried. "Jesus Christ, you don't have to... look, I'm sorry, sir, but we're not interested. Good luck, though."

As the boys walked away, Kevin couldn't resist pinching Lars in the butt.

 _Why do I bother with these kids? I'll never fill my quota with this kind of material. Oh well, at least I still have Afghanistan_ , the military guy thought. He then heard footsteps coming from behind him.

"Hello, sir!" Steven greeted the soldier. "My name is Steven Universe."

"And I'm Connie Maheswaran. Sir." They both made a military salute.

"Well, hello there, children. Or should I say recruits?" the man said, returning the salute. "I'm Ensign John Sobel, 7th Frog Brigade. I'm an US Army recruiter. Are you two considering joining up?"

"Oh, so that's what you were discussing with Kevin and Lars."

"Affirmative. But let's talk about _your_ future! Did you know that your country needs you? Even if you are too young to join up today, I'm sure..."

"Excuse me, but I think we're going for a different career path," Connie said. "We're actually both warriors already. It will be a full time job for Steven, and I'm aiming for presidency."

Sobel's face lit up. "You want to be the president, eh? Well, the President of the United States is the supreme commander of the greatest military force on the planet. So, what could be a better way to prepare yourself for that responsibility than by going through the boot camp, mess hall, firing range, obstacle course and maybe by serving in an actual military base in one of the many exciting locations around the world? Also, did you know that the military can pay for your studies? We're basically giving free education to you! Think about it! For free! And if you want to stay in our big family, you'll have many interesting career paths to choose from. Do you like submarines? We've got submarines! Or maybe tanks are your thing? Artillery? Or maybe you guys want to be fighter pilots?"

"Hmm... Does the Air Force still need ground attack pilots? Like, for A-10Cs? I don't think the F-35 can completely replace such a wonderful aircraft." Connie had done tons of research on aviation for her presentation, and she was proud to display her knowledge.

"I see you're well informed about our glorious Air Force, young miss. Well, as long as your eyesight is fine, you can apply for..."

"Oh no she won't!" came an angry voice. It was Priyanka Maheswaran. "Connie, you're... what are... look, Connie... oh, hello, Steven." Priyanka, remembering the argument with her daughter, forced herself to calm down.

Both Connie and Steven greeted her.

"Connie, why don't you and Steven go inside and let me have a word with this gentleman over here." Priyanka actually spoke in a very effective mom authority voice. Turning to face ensign Sobel, her tone became less friendly. "And you! You... people... Don't you have anything better to do? My daughter is not going to Afghanistan just so that you can fill your quota. Not now, not ever. You can go and hand out your fliers to people who are old enough to join. Do I make myself perfectly clear?"

Ensign John Sobel was visibly sorry. Or was it something else? "I... oh! Forgive me. My mistake, lieutenant. Have a good day." He then made a 180 degree turn to the left, accelerated to 3.1 mph, maintaining his altitude. Soon he would be out of visual range.

Steven and Connie, who still hadn't gone inside, looked at each other. 'Lieutenant?'

"Mom, why did he call you a lieutenant?" Connie asked.

"Maybe he thought I was someone else. Or maybe he recognized the fact that I'm your mother and therefore your superior. Well, no more of that nonsense. Let's go inside. Steven, are you hungry?"

"Thanks, Mrs. Maheswaran, but, I had some cabbage casserole earlier," Steven said, fighting back a gag reflex.

"You go on ahead, mom," Connie said. "We'll check that Steven's Lion isn't misbehaving. He's in the backyard. Hopefully."

Priyanka, tired after a short but very stressful shift, nodded and went inside.

Steven and Connie weren't motivated enough to find out if Lion had done something that he shouldn't have in the backyard, so they silently decided not to.

"Well, we both heard it, and it's fishy," Connie stated.

"Yeah. It seems everybody has secrets in Beach City. And I mean everybody - did you see Lars and Kevin? They were like Percy and Pierre!"

Connie blushed, for she had been thinking about a different couple. "You gave me wings to fly... dah, dee, dah...hm, hm, hm," she hummed.

"Connie? What song is that? Something from Top Gun?"

"Hm? Oh, it's nothing, never mind. Anyway, you're right, everybody has secrets. But maybe mom was right. It could have been just some military talk." Connie crossed her arms and began tapping the pavement with her foot.

"But?" Steven asked.

"You know me too well! This could be another mystery - just the job for detective Holmes! What do you think, Watson?"

"Well, I say we keep our eyes and ears open while keeping a low profile, at least when your mom is around. You can search your home for evidence. I'll go after that Sobel soldier with Lion. I'll meet you later at a discreet location."

"Great! It's too bad my parents are at home, so I can't exactly turn the house upside down today. But I'll find a way." Connie knew she could simply wait for a time when she was alone at home, but where was the challenge in that? "One hour from now, at the Museum."

"OK, see you then. Bye!" "Bye."

Luckily for them, Lion hadn't wandered far and hadn't done anything nasty, so Steven was soon on his way.

Taking a deep breath, Connie opened the front door and stepped inside. No doubt would her mother ask about how the presentation had gone.

-o-

Meanwhile, on Homeworld, Yellow Diamond was giving orders to general Pyrite, the leader of gem combat battle invasion fleet. Pyrite was a tall gem, blessed with a mixture of gold and charcoal for skin color. She wore an ornate heavy armor, but had removed her helmet before stepping before Yellow Diamond. The helmet looked vaguely like a death's head symbol.

"Stand," Yellow Diamond commanded, and Pyrite obeyed. Any other gem would have beamed with pride at the honor of being given a special mission from one of the Diamonds themselves. Pyrite, however, had complete control of her ego. Therefore, she was immune to both flattery and insults, and couldn't be bribed or taunted into making mistakes.

"Pyrite, you have been specifically chosen for this mission. You are to find out why the cluster hasn't emerged yet. I will leave it up to you to assemble a team for yourself. Once you've learned the reason, you will then force the cluster to emerge using the special equipment that has been trusted to your care. It doesn't matter whether the resulting geoweapon is perfect or not, as long as Earth is shattered in the process.

Should you locate any uncorrupted rebel gems, capture them if you can, and bring them back to Homeworld unharmed. Do you have any questions?"

"My Diamond, are there any specific rebel gems I should look out for?" Pyrite asked.

"Yes. Two, in fact. Rose Quartz... and Peridot Facet-2F5L Cut-5XG. But don't let that distract you from the main task. I expect that the rebels will try to prevent you from reaching the cluster. They have been resourceful in the past, so you would do well to read the previous Earth mission reports."

"I understand, my Diamond. However, it is also my duty to inform you of certain factors that..."

"Just get to the point," said Yellow Diamond. Her tone of voice was not annoyed, but it was impatient. She was eager to start the mission that would seal Earth's fate.

"Yes, my Diamond. There is a possibility, no matter how small, that the rebels will defeat me, perhaps destroying our fleet and my own gem in the process. How about we cancel this mission, establish diplomatic relations with Earth and welcome the rebel gems back with open arms?"

For the first time in months, Yellow Diamond was speechless. Yellow Pearl, who was also present, was horrified at Pyrite's suggestion. Before she could demand respect for Yellow Diamond's authority, the Homeworld leader burst into uncontrollable laughter.

A wry smile lingered on Pyrite's face just long enough for Yellow Pearl to notice, which annoyed her even more. And Yellow Diamond was laughing! Why didn't she simply make Pyrite learn her place? How very, very annoying!

After a while, Yellow Diamond collected herself. "Ah, Pyrite, I thought you were joking, but of course you weren't. Still, you amused me. But the answer is no: I will show no mercy to Earth. That will be all!"

"Loyalty is my honor. I obey, my Diamond."

Pyrite made a Heil Hydra salute and backed away from Yellow Diamond's throne room.

-o-

Priyanka Maheswaran couldn't believe her ears. "You held a presentation about WHO?"

" _Oberst_ Hans-Ulrich Rudel," Connie replied, trying to suppress a smile. The look on her mother's face was priceless.

"Who's that? A German ski jumper?" Doug asked.

"That... man... was a nazi!" Priyanka spat out.

" _That man_ was a Stuka pilot for the Luftwaffe during the Second World War. Afterwards, he wrote his memoirs, become a dishonest businessman and a politician. Oh, and he took up mountaineering, too," Connie explained, well prepared for her parents' reaction. Doug looked merely a little confused, but Priyanka... Connie thought it was totally worth it.

"I know that," Priyanka snapped. "I've read his book - it's full of bragging and not a word of remorse!"

"When did you read his book?" Connie asked, lifting an eyebrow.

"Don't change the subject! Connie, weren't you supposed to hold a presentation about a role model?!"

"A role model or a _hero_ ," Connie corrected. "For a brief time, and for some people, he was both. And since you threw a fit about Hanna Reitsch, I decided to choose someone else."

Priyanka started to fire off a full volley of counterarguments, but Doug decided to intervene: "Honey, let our daughter speak. Connie, why didn't you ask us first? Why on Earth would you hold a presentation about him?"

Connie completely ignored Doug's first question.

"Before choosing Rudel, I weighed other options: Zarah Leander, Hanna Reitsch, Ernst Udet and Chuck Yeager to name a few. Oh, and John Lennon. I thought he would have been an easy choice, but when I did research on him, I found that despite his Beatles fame, he wasn't a very nice man. That's an understatement, by the way. But he gave me an idea: most historical figures that we elevate into the status of a hero tend to have a dark side to them. A very, very dark side.

I'll give you another example: Christopher Columbus! He found America, yay! But he was also a greedy, murderous conqueror. He acted like a total dictator. What a hero! Giving an honest presentation about him would have been a real challenge. But I picked Rudel because I had read so much about the Second World War and aviation already, and most importantly, nobody would protest if I used him to shoot down the very concept of celebrity and hero worship!

I've heard both of you complain about how useless pop stars, fashion models and other famous people pollute newspaper articles and news programs. I know that it's about money, but all that money could be spent on something more productive. As a sensation addicted, celebrity obsessed species, we haven't learned anything during the last 2000 years."

"I think you're being unfair to John Lennon and... everyone!" Doug protested.

"No I'm not! I was being too nice. I'm not against role models, but shouldn't we be looking at the people around us? You know, I can be _your_ role model!"

"I'm sure you can. Tell me, why didn't you hold a presentation about Chuck Yeager?"

"Because Janice absolutely wanted to!"

Priyanka took a deep breath. "Connie..." she said, but she was out of words to say. Instead, she slumped on the couch and covered her eyes.

"Honey, you look tired. Why don't you go and have some rest?" Doug suggested. He would soon go on another detective assignment, and he didn't want to spend the family time he had by arguing.

Priyanka didn't want to argue either, so she nodded and got up, heading to the shower.

"I and Connie will do something _productive._ Like cleaning the house. Won't we, Connie?"

 _Well, there's an opportunity to search for evidence_ , thought Connie. Things were certainly falling in place. No doubt Steven would find some clues as well. "All right. You dust the carpets, I'll get the vacuum cleaner."

-o-

Eventually, Connie and Doug finished cleaning the house. Connie, eager to meet Steven, told her parents that she was going to the Beach City art museum to appreciate (post)modern art with Steven. Another technical truth.

Connie found Steven giving autographs to local hipsters. Spotting Connie, Steven excused himself (and Lion) and then they rode into the sunset. Well, the sun wasn't setting yet, but they had no intention of setting their foot into the art museum. Seeing the awful abstract statue ("Bidet of the Gods") near the museum entrance had been quite enough for them. Thousands of taxpayers' dollars had gone into erecting the awful statue - money that Beach City would never get back.

"I didn't get much information from that Sobel guy," Steven told Connie. "He said that he didn't know your mom and that he was mistaken. But here's the thing: when he said that, Lion shook his head. I've noticed that he sometimes does that when he hears a lie."

Connie grinned deviously. "Uh huh. Do you mind if I put your theory to a test?"

"Uh, not at all! Be my guest," came Steven's nervous reply.

Lion shook his head.

"Hahaha! It seems to work! Oh, don't worry, Steven... I would never embarrass you with a really personal question or anything."

Lion shook his head again. Was he grinning?

"A-ha! Looks like Lion disagrees!" exclaimed Steven. "Anyway, did you find out anything?"

"Not really. No uniforms, guns, bazookas or anything." Connie took a small wooden case from her backpack. "Except this. It's secured with a padlock. Suspicious, isn't it?"

Steven took the case and examined the lock. "Hm, I guess I can try my shape shifting skills on this. I have been training under constable Odo lately."

"Constable who?"

"Odo, short for Odo'ital. That's Cardassian for 'nothing'. He's a shapeshifter in Star Trek: DS9. Awesome series, but half of the episodes are simply terrible and... Ah, I got it!"

Violated by Steven's shape shifting powers, the padlock snapped open. Instead of some kind of national treasure, there was an old, very much out-of-place flyer inside. Connie took it out of the case and examined it. She had expected to find a medal inside, and was puzzled by this unexpected clue.

"What's this? A flyer, announcing the annual meeting of... 'Brain Damage Club of Southern Nevada?' My mother doesn't have brain damage. Not that I know of."

"Heh. Would she happen to be a brain surgeon, then?" Steven suggested.

"No, but she _is_ a doctor. Still, this isn't much of a clue. I'm not going to travel to Nevada in order to... wait a minute!" Connie had a brilliant idea.

"Steven, have you seen Captain America: Winter Soldier?"

Steven nodded.

"One of the things I've learned from that movie is that the 21st century is an endless digital book - everything leaves a trace in the cyberspace. All we have to do is open that book - dive in, so to speak - find the facts inside, connect the dots and come up with a conclusion."

"Connie, wait a minute. This has been fun so far, but one thing just occurred to me. Why are we investigating your mom again?"

Connie was quick to answer Steven's question: "I'm worried about her. She sometimes clearly avoids talking about certain subjects. And I guess I'm still a bit steamed because of our fight. No use denying that. Or..." She hesitated for a moment. "I don't know. Maybe if I understood her better, I would understand myself better, too. Like, exactly why I got so angry. It's not like I don't fight with my dad, too, but I guess that's an investigation for another day."

"All right, I'm in. I know what it's like to uncover your parents' awful secrets. It was scary... but I felt like I had to do it. What's the plan?"

"Let me think," Connie said, and pretended that she didn't already have an idea. After a while, she exclaimed: "I got it! Fuse with me and I'll show you."

"What? In the middle of the street?"

"Come on, Steven... It's part of my plan: I need a deeper voice!"

Steven didn't even get a chance to play music from his phone as Connie took him by his hands and pulled him into a dance. After a while, there was a flash of light...

...and Stevonnie opened her eyes.

"This is still awesome! But let's not waste any time. Our phone, please."

Stevonnie reached for Connie's phone and dialed in a number. She didn't have to wait for long for an answer.

"You've reached the customer service of Facebook, this is Matt speaking. How may I help you?"

Stevonnie cleared her throat. "Hi, this is my mom speaking." Realizing what she just said, she facepalmed herself. "Um, that is to say, this is Priyanka Maheswaran of Beach City speaking. I have a Facebook account, and I'd like to get a hold of all the information you have about me in printed form. Um, how soon can you send it?"

"Soon, soon," assured the Facebook guy. "I'll just need to ask you some questions to verify that you are indeed the owner of the account... Ah, here we go: Priyanka Maheswaran, Beach City - joint account with Doug Maheswaran, Beach City. Now, I need you to log in, hit 'Customer service' and then 'Request confirmation code B613'."

"Uh, I can't do that, I'm not in front of my computer right now. And, um, my phone doesn't have internet access, it's a really old phone!" Trying to reassure herself, Stevonnie smiled, but she was starting to sweat. The plan wasn't going exactly as she had planned.

"Then I'm afraid I can't authorize sending the data printouts to you. If you would contact us at a later time..."

Now Steven reached out with his diplomatic skills. Bolstered by Connie's determination, Stevonnie felt stronger.

"Now you listen to me! I'm a very busy woman. I'm a doctor - I literally save people's lives on a daily basis. I have barely time to update my profile and keep up with my relatives overseas! I want those data printouts delivered so I can see that my daughter or anyone else hasn't been using my account without my permission, and that Donald Trump isn't on any of my shadow lists, et cetera, et cetera... If you can't help me, that's fine, I know you have your policies, but in that case I'll think twice before recommending your service to my friends and the rest of my family members."

"But, madam, I, that is..." the poor man stammered.

"You know what? I think I'll just delete my account and go on Google+ or some other social media platform instead! Good bye."

"NO! WAIT! Haha, don't hang up just yet!" the man pleaded. He had eaten the hook, line, and sinker. "The entire Facebook website and staff is at your service and proud to serve you! Yes, ma'am! I'll just need an address where the printouts will be delivered."

"Oh, my address? I thought you already had it," Stevonnie wondered aloud. Just how poor was Facebook privacy policy?

"That's true, but it's company policy to ask. After all, the data, printed on A4 paper sheets, takes a lot of space, and we need to be sure that our truck has room to unload."

Truck?

Stevonnie finished the phishing stunt by giving the Facebook guy the address of the Crystal Temple of Beach City.

Steven and Connie, having unfused, decided to intercept the delivery together the next day.

-o-

Later that evening, Garnet, Pearl and the human despots went on their ways, but Amethyst stayed at the barn. While she usually didn't stick her nose into others' business (which was a mildly inaccurate statement), she decided to share some of her life wisdom.

After making an excuse for staying, she waited until she was alone with Lapis - Peridot had decided to make some plans for her and Donald Trump's campaign.

"Are you going to talk Peri out of becoming a president?" Lapis asked.

"Vice president," Amethyst corrected. "Anyway, I wanted to talk to you."

"Oh? What is it?"

"You know I care about Peridot, right? As a friend. You see, the stuff that has happened recently has me thinking about how I got caught up in human madness when I was a professional wrestler. So I thought I could give you a heads up as to what to expect."

"Oh. I'll call Peridot over, then."

"No, no, no," Amethyst said. "This is for your ears only. Besides, I'd rather make people feel awkward one person at a time."

"OK, if you think it's for the best. I'm listening." Having talked to Pearl earlier, Lapis wondered if Amethyst would give similar advice.

"Well, as a candidate and especially as a vice president, Peridot is going to travel a lot. And you'll be both meeting lots of humans. Some of them are jerks, some are OK. And there are very persuasive specimens in both camps..."

"Well, I'm not easily fooled. And I'll make sure to keep Peri out of trouble."

"Which brings us to the beef," Amethyst said with a grin. "Peridot is not Pumpkin. You can't exactly 'keep her out of trouble', you can only try to minimize it. But most importantly - and I'm being as serious as I can be - if you're thinking about making a _move_ on her, you better do it now. Before someone else does."

Lapis gasped and briefly thought about flying away, leaving Amethyst to play Cupid by herself. She summoned her wings, but immediately withdrew them as Amethyst grabbed her by the arm.

"Hey, don't you fly away now! Look, normally I would apologize for overstepping my boundaries or whatever, but it's just like I said: I care about our little genius. And you're cool, too, so... Look, I don't know what you want, or what she wants, but at least try to find out, OK?"

Lapis sighed. Of course Amethyst was right. "What should _I_ do, then?"

"If someone gets too close to Peridot, punch them. And, welllll... As Peri can be a little thickheaded, you have to make sure she _gets_ it, y'know? Give her a big fat kiss!"

-o-

While Amethyst and Lapis were having their talk, Peridot was lying in her hammock, fiddling with her iPad. 'Peridot the vice president' didn't have the same ring as 'Peridot the Green Diamond', but it was a start. Her power fantasy was interrupted by the sound of gentle footsteps.

"Lapis? Is that you?"

"Yes. Did I wake you?" Lapis asked.

"No, I was awake. Obviously. Thinking. Planning."

Peridot was surprised when Lapis climbed in the hammock and snuggled in with her.

"Lapis?! What are you...?"

"Shh, Peri. I thought that if you're awake, we could talk a little."

"But why did you get in my hammock?"

"Because this way, I will have your undivided attention, don't you agree?"

Peridot saw the logic in that, 120%. "Oh! OK! You are welcome to stay, then. I mean, if you want. You had something on your mind?"

Lapis put an arm around Peridot, who made absolutely no protest whatsoever. Was this a dream? Peridot pinched herself - it wasn't a dream. Oh, Stars...

"Hmm. Yes. I wanted to apologize for being a bit harsh to you earlier," Lapis said, looking Peridot in the eyes. "You are no mind reader... Look, what I'm trying to say is... um. We'll have busy times ahead of us, and I want to make myself absolutely clear, right here, right now. When you showed me that video with those two human boys getting very, very _friendly_ with each other..."

Lapis paused for a moment, searching for words.

"Yes?" Peridot asked.

"You said that they reminded you of Percy and Pierre."

"I did." Peridot began to understand where Lapis was going with this... or was it just wishful thinking?

"And then I got angry. I shouldn't have. I should have asked you: 'Peri, can you guess know what they remind _me_ of?'"

"It's OK," Peridot assured. "I sometimes get angry, too. Why, when I was at the Funland Park, this Smiley jerk..."

"Peridot."

"What? Oh, who do they remind you of? I... I don't know!"

"I'll give you a hint, then," Lapis said... and placed a kiss on Peridot's cheek.

 _OH. MY. STARS! Oh Stars, don't let me ruin this moment..._

Gathering her courage, Peridot said: "Oh, Lazuli... that was... nice. I mean, super nice! I, um... Now that you're here, would you stay with me tonight?" She would later thank the Star Man for coming up with at least _something_ to say to Lapis.

"I will, Peri."

###

:

Hans-Ulrich Rudel, a presentation by Connie Maheswaran - DO NOT READ WITHOUT PERMISSION!

 _note: turn this into a bullet point list. recycle for other classes? essay? (not that an apt pupil ever does that kek)_

 _like this:_

 _\- copy/paste stuff from wikiperiferia (not really. it's an automatic F)_

 _\- the very concept of heroes and role models is s***_

 _\- or is it?_

 _\- and so on, yadda yadda_

Hans-Ulrich Rudel, a dive bomber pilot for the German Luftwaffe, was a very, very handsome man. He was absolutely gorgeous. During the Second World War, Rudel lost many comrades and his leg (he flew his last sorties with a leg enhancer). He would often land his plane behind the enemy lines to rescue downed pilots, which is a kind of risky thing to do.

The reason I give a presentation about him instead of Hanna Reitsch is because of my stupid mom freaking out about it in the first place. Doubling down is fair play as the saying goes. _(note: leave this bit out in the final version?)_

There's a saying that is often relevant, whether it comes to big businesses such as Google or people in general: You either die a hero or live long enough to become a villain. It can be said that Rudel did not die a hero in any sense - instead he lived long enough to become a villain, or at least an enabler of a villain. He was one of the many people who could have turned Josef Mengele in, but chose not to. In fact, he actively helped the notorious 'doctor.' It's strange that he or the 50 other people who sheltered Mengele weren't really convicted or accused in any way. I'm not a historian, so I could be wrong, but I know that most of them got away scot-free.

Still, the guy knew how to go. During his funeral, his fellow pilots made a Heil Hydra salute at his coffin - but with one hand only. Also, two Bundeswehr (German post-war armed forces) Luftwaffe F-4 Phantoms flew over his grave, as if in tribute. So, even in death, Rudel managed to troll the Soviet Union and spill some salt on the entire world.

According to the Luftwaffe, the F-4s were on a training flight. A little known fact is that the flight leader deviated from the planned course while avoiding a flock of European seagulls. An even less known fact (which has been deleted from the official records) is the identity of the flight leader: _._ Perle "Ritter" Kristall.

 _\- add stuff about heroes and celebrity worship in general_

 _\- tie ins to modern times_

 _\- statues, memorials etc._

Je mehr Du lernst, desto mehr weißt Du! ( _check pronunciation_ )

###

-o-

More of author's notes: Did you notice that YELLOW DIAMOND made an appearance in this chapter? The plot thickens!


	19. Du musst Caligari werden!

**Chapter 19:** Du musst Caligari werden!

-o-

Set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth;

Keep watch over the door of my lips.

Do not incline my heart to any evil thing,

To practice wicked works

With men who work iniquity;

And do not let me eat of their delicacies.

\- Psalms 141:3-4

-o-

Peridot had led her army of gems, humans and seagulls on the final attack against Homeworld and emerged victorious. Now, only one final task remained.

The hallway leading to Yellow Diamond's throne room showed no signs of battle. The war had been won long before the rebel forces had reached the Diamond Palace. So much the better. The Diamond Palace would make a perfect Peridot Palace. As Peridot walked along the hallway, she was greeted by familiar faces:

"Even I'm surprised," said Garnet. "Peridot. Fellow war machine. You are the David that took down Goliath."

"Go on! Make Yellow Diamond your pearl! Or a pearl necklace, and it ain't jewelry I'm talking about" joked Pearl. _Strange,_ Peridot thought. _Usually it's Amethyst who jokes like that._

"Looks like you have to work on your material, P. That was just bad! But that's ok, so are we!" said Amethyst. "Well, Peri, thanks to you, we barely had to do any fighting! Hm, I'm kinda disappointed..."

"Are you sure you want to go through that door?"

Who said that? Peridot looked behind her. The voice belonged to Steven.

Before Peridot could answer, another voice, familiar and very menacing, caused her to spin 540 degrees. "Ha! I don't think she's got what it takes. She's always hiding behind everyone else!"

It was Jasper, the perfect quartz - perhaps the only gem that might have a chance against Mike Tyson in the ring! But how could it be? Had she broken both her bubble _and_ shed her corruption somehow? But those were details, nothing but details, and now was not the time to worry about them. As soon as Peridot met Jasper's gaze, the huge orange gem stepped aside. For whatever reason, she wasn't going to stop Peridot.

As Peridot reached the huge door at the end of the hallway, she decided to address all sentients who were present.

"So then, I understand that Yellow Diamond is in there? Good! I will meet her now, and decide her fate myself. Maybe she can be of use to us. I foresee that she will have a great future planting potatoes on Earth! Ha, ha, ha, haa!"

"Peridot! Don't go in!" Lapis Lazuli pleaded. Had she taken part in the battle against Homeworld, too?

"Oh, hi Lazuli. Um, what's wrong?"

"There's nothing for you there," the blue gem replied. It was strange that she seemed to ignore Jasper, but all the same, she seemed very worried about something. "Yellow Diamond has nothing of value to give you. Let's just go home!"

"I will prove to you that you're wrong," Peridot replied. "Lion! Lion! My kingdom for a Lion! Ah, there you are." And as if by magic, Lion appeared. "What do you make of Lapis' protest? Hmm?"

Lion shook his head.

"There you go. I'll be back shortly. Don't worry. If Yellow D tries anything, she gets a railgun shot right in her gem." Peridot had made up her mind.

Without hesitation, Peridot knocked on Yellow Diamond's door. "Knock knock! That's Earthian for _open up, you clod._ " Of course the door didn't open - it was silly to try to open a Homeworld door by Earth means. However, the use of raw force was a universal concept. When no one came to open the door, Peridot, using supergem strength (actually, she was wearing limb enhancers once again), yanked the giant door open.

As expected, Yellow Diamond sat on her ergonomic seat. She was looking out of the window, perhaps lamenting the end of her reign and what she perceived to be the end of Homeworld as well. Her guards and Yellow Pearl were nowhere to be seen and the monitors surrounding her showed nothing but static.

"I am Peridot, the leader of the Rebellion!" Peridot announced herself. Yellow Diamond didn't react at all.

"Oh, I get it. Which Peridot, you ask? Peridot, Facet- _Death-_ Cut- _Destroyer-of-Worlds_! Do you remember me?"

No answer. It was like talking to a wall.

"I'm here to give you an opportunity to surrender and walk out of this throne room with your own feet. I'm sure you understand that there are worse ways to end this."

Still nothing. _Well, better get the official business over with, then_ , thought Peridot, and took a huge iPad out of her gem, complete with a digital pen, and offered them to Yellow Diamond.

"Look, I brought you the treaty of surrender. You just need to sign it."

Did Yellow Diamond stir in her seat? Nope. She didn't.

"Come on, take the treaty. Take it! Pick up the pen and sign the treaty. It's not rocket science! Do you hear me?"

No reaction.

"You could at least look at me. I've deserved at least that much, haven't I? Clod!"

It was useless. Perhaps this was the only way Yellow Diamond could defy Peridot the conqueror, but it was enough to drive Peridot mad.

"Look at me. Look at me, or I'll shatter you! I'll tear your arms off! I'll..."

But Peridot was cut short as she suddenly realized that she had grown into the size of a diamond... or had Yellow Diamond shrunk to her size instead?

It was as if some kind of haze had been lifted, and now Peridot could see more clearly. Yellow Diamond slowly turned her head, staring Peridot right in the eyes. The expression on the defeated Homeworld leader's face was anything but defeated; it was mocking. What was worse, it was as if she was accusing Peridot of something, as if she knew Peridot's entire internet browsing history and couldn't wait to share it with every gem in the universe.

She then glanced at her arms - or where her arms should have been.

Yellow Diamond had no arms that Peridot could tear off.

A wave of confusion, guilt and a tangled ball of unidentified emotions washed over Peridot.

"What...? How...? I don't understand... I don't..."

...

Someone poked Peridot on the cheek. When that didn't work, that someone poked her again. "Wake up! Yo, Peri, wake up!"

"Whu... what? What era is this? What planet is this?"

"This is Earth. Earth calling to Peridot! And it's the current era. Did you have a nightmare?"

"A-Amethyst, is that you?"

"Yep! Amethyst of Earth. Are you ok?"

"I guess I did have a nightmare, or at least a weird dream," Peridot admitted, still gathering her bearings.

"Well, if it bothers you, why don't you tell me about it while you still remember it? I've heard it helps," Amethyst suggested.

Peridot recounted her dream as well as she could. At least there weren't any embarrassing details to censor.

"So, what do you think it means?" Peridot asked.

"It's obvious. You want to be a leader, conquer Homeworld and kick Yellow Dork's butt. Without arms, she can't hit anyone or press the nuclear missile button. It's a symbolic thing, you know."

"I like the way you think, except that without arms, she can't sign the peace treaty. Or the treaty of surrender! Except she could hold the pen with her teeth... Anyway, Homeworld doesn't have nuclear missiles. I'm not even nitpicking. But other than that, there's nothing else in your analysis to nitpick about. Thank you!"

"Anytime. Hey, I just thought she can't give you a hug without arms. Hahaa!"

"Amethyst. I. Do. Not. Want. A. Hug. From. Yellow. DIAMOND!" Peridot protested. She was 100% sure of that, at least. Still... "Um, do I? No, I definitely do not."

"If you say so."

Peridot had a vague suspicion that Amethyst had just trolled her. Better not get too salty, or she would only continue. "Now, a couple of more important questions. First, what are you doing here?"

"I'm guarding you. I'm your bodyguard," Amethyst stated. "I slept near the entrance with one eye open. Well, I might have dozed off a couple of times, but let's not talk about that. You're a vice prez candidate, so you need a bodyguard. And I'm the perfect choice!"

It was true, then - Peridot hadn't dreamed about becoming a vice president candidate.

"Where's Lapis?" Peridot was slightly disappointed that her barn mate hadn't awakened her. Then again, it was late, and Lapis had probably wanted to let Peridot have her rest.

Amethyst gave a laugh. "Where's Lapis, she asks! Lemme put it this way: that's not a body pillow you're holding on to right now."

Only now did Peridot realize that it was Lapis Lazuli that she had snuggled in with after they had (finally) fallen asleep. "Eep!"

"Oh, look at her, Peridot. She's smiling in her sleep!"

Peridot knew exactly why Lapis was smiling. "Heh... That's strange! I have no idea why!"

"But I think you do," Amethyst objected. "You two had quite a workout last night, didn't you?"

Peridot untangled herself from her barn mate and jumped out of the hammock, not caring if Lapis woke up. She did resist the urge to yell at Amethyst, so she merely hissed: "Did you spy on us?!"

"No. Yes. Uh, I'm your bodyguard, remember? And naturally I gotta protect your girlfriend, too."

Lapis stirred in her sleep, but didn't wake up. Instead, she gave a sigh upon hearing the word 'girlfriend'.

"Grrrmmmhh... well, at least you know better than to try and steal her from me," Peridot grumbled. "Unlike Pearl."

Gossip, and very juicy gossip! "Whoa, did Pearl try to make a move on LAPIS?"

"She said that it's not what she meant to do, but I'm going to be vigilant all the same."

"Well, don't worry. I'm not going to steal Lazuli," Amethyst assured. "I'm stealing YOU from her!" Before Peridot could object, Amethyst put one arm around Peridot and started ruffling her hair with the other.

"Steal me from Lazuli? That's even worse! Hey! Stop! Help! Help! I'm being kidnapped! Let go of me, you, you..."

With some reluctance, Amethyst let go of Peridot. "Relax, I was just messing with you!"

"Oh, right," Peridot said, adjusting her hair. "I mean, I knew that!"

"Listen, Peri, if you're going to be a vice president candidate, people are going to troll you all the time. You have to learn how to spot them and not let them get to you, see?"

"I said I knew that!" Peridot exclaimed. "But your wise advice is noted. Thank you," she added. Amethyst was in her corner, after all. "Now then... since we are going on the campaign trail and eventually in the White House, I'll have to hire people to take care of the crops. You can help me screen them. Oh, and when did I exactly hire _you_?"

"Just now. I can take my payment in health foods. And some unhealthy foods, too."

So be it! The idea of a personal quartz warrior didn't seem too bad to Peridot.

"I already inspected your fridge for bombs," Amethyst continued. "Oh, and don't worry about my *burp* salary for this month."

Peridot grinned. "So you can also taste my food for poisons, if I ever have to eat anything during an official meal. Apart from that, you'll be like a pearl to me, right?"

"Very funny. I mean, I guess I can be like our salt Pearl, but not a Homeworld pearl."

"That is acceptable. I would imagine that our Salt Pearl is a much better fighting pearl than those posh Homeworld mannequins. Oh, and thank you for waking me up. I better avoid staring at screens for a while until I can be sure that they aren't causing me nightmares."

"Good idea," Amethyst agreed. "Drugs, digital or not, are bad for you. So, what's on today's agenda?"

"First, I'll diagnose and treat Mayor Dewey's auto vehicle. There's more of that waste oil for you, I'm sure! Once that's finished, we'll pay a visit to Vidalia," Peridot said. "I'm going to place an order for a painting: a gift to Donald Trump."

" _What._ "

"What 'what?' I'm thinking about giving him a painting during the talk show. It'll make a good impression on the John Q. Public! You see, I'm going to make my debut to America on television - on Conan O'Brien's talk show! Of course, it will be streamed on the internet, too. I'll give the exact airing date later, so you and the rest of the Gems can watch it."

Amethyst blew some air on her hair and rolled her eyes. "I can hardly wait."

"I know! Oh, and before I forget, I want you to get something. Write this down: 25 pounds of zebra roast."

"Sure thing! Anything else?"

Peridot searched her memory. There was something... "Oh! While you're at it, go to the library and get me a book... What's it called again? Oh, right: The Bananas... I mean, 'The Banality of Evil' by Hannah Arendt."

-o-

Connie spent another uneventful and boring day at the school. The only highlight of the day were the weekly rifle and bayonet drills.

As she was walking home, she spotted Jamie the mailman carrying a large package. He was going in the direction of the Maheswaran residence. Could that be the Facebook prints, or was it a coincidence? It could be, and the Facebook guy had spoken of a truck, but still...

Connie decided to call for backup - Steven. Steven received the GPS coordinates from Connie's phone, and soon he appeared from a portal that Lion had created.

As Steven dismounted, he noticed Lion staring at him. "I know, I know, I shouldn't ask you to teleport me around unless it's a real emergency," he said. "I'll hit you back with some roasted zebra or something, ok?"

"Steven! Hurry up!" Connie shouted. "There's Jamie now - we need to make sure he's not carrying _the_ package."

"All right. I've been guarding the Crystal Temple, and he hasn't dropped any packages there."

Steven and Connie ran and caught Jamie. "Hey Jamie! Romeo guy! Wait up!"

"Oh, greetings to you, young ones!" Jamie said, bowing elaborately. "How goes your day?"

The kids saw that Jamie was wearing a shirt with the logo of Hermes Deliveries ("When it has to be there yesterday, we deliver!") on it.

"Uh, ok, I guess," said Steven. "How goes yours?" Connie asked.

"Wonderful! Absolutely wonderful! Did you know that I and my troupe are performing at the Beach City 200 years fair? It will be grand!" Jamie held on to the package tight, despite being full of excitement.

"More Shake-spear?" Steven asked.

"No! We are trying something new. I have a key role in the stage production of ' _Das Cabinet des Doktor Caligari.'_ It was originally a silent movie - directed in 1920 by Robert Wiene. I tell you, it is more relevant now than ever. Born out of the tragedies of the First World War, the movie would sadly predict the coming of the Second... You two absolutely must come and see it!"

"So, what's your role then, a doctor?"

Jamie gave a dandy like laugh. "Oh, no, no, no. I am playing - I am - Cesare, a somnambulist." Seeing the puzzled expression on Steven and Connie's faces, he continued: "A sleepwalker of sorts. My character even has future vision! It's mostly a physical role, though - I have but one line to speak. Observe!"

By the magic of acting, Jamie transformed into the mysterious Cesare right in front of Steven and Connie's eyes, dancing along the wall like a shadow. "There! Wasn't that impressive?" he asked, having transformed back into Jamie again.

"Uh huh. Do you mind telling us what you're carrying? My mom is expecting a very important package, and I was wondering if you know anything about it," Connie said.

"Oh! As a matter of fact, I do have a package for a Mrs. Priyanka Maheswaran! Actually, I shouldn't tarry; I must make haste and deliver it to her swiftly."

"I can deliver that package," Connie offered.

"No, no; no, no! This is a very important package. Do you see these stamps and seal? I'm not allowed to say much, but I think this is from the government, or someone who works for the government. I absolutely must deliver it to who it's addressed to, and no one else, I'm afraid."

Connie whispered something to Steven, and then spoke in a friendly but somehow ominous tone to Jamie.

"I see. We'll forget about the package for a moment. There's another matter that we want to talk about. You see, I and Steven are doing a play of our own during the festivities, and we'd like you to play a part in it. A very specific part. Of course, it's a classic Shakespeare play..."

"Say no more, my love for the bard never wanes. Which play are you doing?"

"Hamlet. And we're offering you another physical role, with no lines."

"Am I to play a donkey?" Jamie guessed.

"No, you will be Yorick."

Jamie scratched his head. "But... but... Yorick... There's no actual part of Yorick in the play."

"Oh yes there is," said Connie, now grinning a little. "A literal _part_ of Yorick. I'm sure you'll do fine."

Jamie thought that Steven and Connie were just joking... but then again, this was Beach City, where anything was possible. Then Jamie noticed Lion observing him curiously. Jamie froze and swallowed.

"It's okay," assured Steven. "He's just admiring the shape of your skull."

But Lion had become fed up with human shenanigans, especially lies. He shook his head, roared and disappeared into a portal of his making.

"Lion! Wait!" Steven shouted, to no avail.

Jamie didn't understand the full implications of Lion's retreat, but seeing the disappointed look on Steven and Connie's faces, he realized that they had tried to bluff him.

"Ai, ai, you tried to play me for a fool. You had me, though - to my shame, I forgot that you would never lay a hand on an innocent soul. After all, you are the heroes of Beach City, are you not?"

Connie and Steven looked at each other and sighed. But of course Connie had a plan B.

"Fine. But look into my eyes now and tell me if I'm bluffing anymore," Connie said. "We have connections to the White House. In fact, one day I will work in the Oval Office. There will come a time when I have to decide on how much funds to allocate to community theaters, art colleges, poetry stipends and so on..."

"Wait, wait, what do you mean you have ties to the White House? How do you know you'll be the president?"

"The next vice president is in our corner. As for my future, let's just say that a friend of mine read my palm." Connie felt guilty for implying that Garnet had seen her future, but it didn't stop her, oh no.

"Alas! If my boss finds out... woe is me!" lamented Jamie. "Is this the end of Jamie?"

"It doesn't have to be," Steven said. "Just hand the package to the lady. You can trust us to deliver that package. You have our word."

"Here. At least I'm doing this for a good reason, for the sake of art," Jamie said.

"Thank you," said Connie as Jamie handed the package to her. "I'll be sure to create an art stipend in your name!"

After Jamie had left, Steven said: "This falls out better than I could devise."

But Connie wasn't so sure about that. "I'm not so sure about that," she said. "Look... here's my home address, not the address we gave to the Facebook customer service guy. This might not be the data printouts we requested."

"Well, there's only one way to find out for sure."

"Yes, but we should go and check the Crystal Temple. And let's keep an eye on trucks - we'd better intercept the delivery so that the Gems don't find out about our secret mission."

-o-

Meanwhile, as fate would have it, a huge dump truck, adorned with Facebook logo, was backing towards the new fence that the Gems had erected to keep nosey humans away from the Crystal Temple.

The driver looked from his side mirror as a skinny white woman (or was it a gem?) was waving her arms frantically, so he set transmission to idle, yanked the handbrake and turned the engine off. The radio died down and so did the mooing of Volbeat's lead singer.

"You can't park here!" Pearl shouted. "What on Earth do you think you're you doing?"

"Huh? Isn't this the Crystal Temple of Beach City?" the driver shouted from the window. "I got this delivery order right here..."

"Let me see it," Pearl demanded. "What is this? Priyanka Maheswaran doesn't live here! There's been a mistake!"

"There's no mistake! Would you step away from the truck? I'm about to unload."

The driver ignited the engine and operated a series of switches. As the bed started to lift, Pearl ran behind the Truck and pulled out a loudspeaker from her gem. "Cease at once! If you dump your shipment on me, you will get sued for causing bodily harm! I've got your license plate number!"

"So what? I'm just following orders," the driver thought, and activated the truck's loudspeaker system. He then spoke to the microphone, and the truck's loudspeaker blasted his voice at full volume: "IT'S JUST PAPER! YOU'RE A GEM, SO YOU WON'T SUFFER PERMANENT DAMAGE. YOU PROBABLY WON'T EVEN GET POOFED."

The tailgate opened, and thousands, if not tens of thousands of paper sheets fell on Pearl, all but drowning her. Seeing that his mission was successful, the trucker lowered the bed and drove happily away.

"Incompetent!" Pearl cried, half submerged in paper. "I'm going to... hey! How did he know that I was a gem?" she wondered. "And what are these papers, anyway?" Pearl quickly realized that all the data that Facebook had collected of Priyanka & Doug Maheswaran's lives was printed on the papers: their jobs, hobbies, friends, family members, virtues and vices. Before Pearl could wonder why the truck had brought the printouts to the Crystal Temple, her eyes caught something that made her

POOF!

After an unknown amount of time, Pearl's mind had recovered from the shock. Realizing what had happened, Pearl forced herself to calm down - she needed to focus in reforming as quickly as possible. Surely what she had seen couldn't be true - humans and their primitive programs sometimes falsified data, exaggerating things and drawing all the wrong conclusions. Or was it something more visual, something graphic which made her poof? In any case, she was very salty.

"Well! This is just perfect. Here I am, like a bird egg in a nest made of someone's pile of secrets. I hope I can reform before my date with Sheena. Or perhaps she could just carry my gem in a purse. That would save me the embarrassment of saying something stupid..."

-o-

Steven and Connie, fused into Stevonnie, hiked all the way to the Crystal Temple. They were somewhat alarmed to see a huge pile of paper carelessly dumped near the fence, but they were also relieved - there were no Gems or nosy people in sight. Furthermore, Garnet had told Steven that she was on a mission, and Amethyst had decided to stay with Peridot and Lapis at the Barn.

Pearl hadn't answered her phone. Perhaps she was practicing her dance routine and just wouldn't want to be interrupted? Or maybe she had gone to meet Sheena earlier than planned and had turned her phone off?

"Well, looks like we've found the droppings of the Facebook truck," Stevonnie said. "Let's unfuse - two pairs of eyes and hands will search much faster."

Stevonnie made a military salute and unfused.

"All right," Steven said as he climbed on top of the anthill of secrets. "What are we exactly looking for?"

"Anything that ties to Nevada or... hm, the military," Connie decided. "There's so much of this stuff! What the devil are the Facebook algorithms doing? This is crazy... after we're done, we'll set these on fire."

The more printouts they read, the more worried they grew. It became clear that Facebook had crafted several shadow profiles, mostly based on Priyanka's updates, likes, thumbs and existing data.

"Look at this. This looks like what my profile would be, except that I don't actually have a Facebook account," Connie said, showing Steven a piece of paper. "See? This section is full of _my_ favorite books, movies and bands, not my parents'. Hm, at least my folks didn't write my name in any of their updates without my permission."

Papers rustled as Connie and Steven continued their investigation. Even though the data came from Priyanka's and Doug's joint account, it became evident that Priyanka had done most of the posts, likes, friend requests and so on. Doug had apparently made a couple of 'my top 10 favorite bands' type of posts and not much else. Then again, who knew what the papers would reveal?

"What's this? Oskar Schindler award..." Connie read aloud. "Oh, the paper was wrinkled. Let's see... 'Dr. Priyanka Maheswaran has received The Oskar Schindler of Foreskins - award. Dr. Maheswaran is an honorary member of the Jews against Circumcision Facebook group.' Ooooooookay then..."

It wasn't awkward at all.

"I didn't know your mother was Jewish," Steven said. It was all he could think of to break the non awkward silence.

Connie facepalmed. "For chrissakes, Steven! She's a doctor! Of course she has something to say about... you know, this barbaric practice! And stop laughing!"

"I can't!" Steven managed.

"Fine. But it's not really a laughing matter. If anything, I'm really proud that my mother and these people have taken a public stance against genital mutilation." Connie wouldn't sugarcoat things, so she forced herself to use the exact words.

"Hey, here's something that might be relevant," Steven said, happy for a chance to change the subject. He handed Connie another sheet of paper.

"Tom of Finland fan club, Nevada subsection. Not much of a clue, but I'm beginning to see a pattern here."

"I can see two patterns," thought Steven. Jesus! Did he say that aloud? Judging from Connie's expression, he might just have. But Connie, despite looking irritated, seemed to concentrate on finding an actual clue. Or perhaps she had just seen something she didn't want to discuss with Steven at all?

Minutes ticked by. Picking up a paper sheet at random, Steven made a disturbing discovery, one of many that day.

"Oh, dear. It looks like Facebook is basically recommending terrorist leaders as friends to your mom."

"I hope that's old data," said Connie. "I can't afford to get 100% mad right now - 47% will do just fine. Oh, here's something interesting: apparently my mom wrote and sent love poems to my dad! These are really sweet. And what's this?"

Connie picked up a separate stack of papers. "Hm, whatever this is, the front page is titled 'To my favorite private D, your very own P.' The description says that it's deleted content."

"Private D? As in private dancer?" Steven asked, thinking about a Tina Turner song he had heard on Retro Radio. Greg was a huge Tina Turner fan, and Steven suspected that he might have had a crush on her.

"No, it obviously means 'Doug'... or 'private detective'" Connie said. "Maybe both. See, my father is... whoops!"

A gust of wind blew the papers from Connie's hands. A set of photographs (or were they video thumbnails?) were printed on the papers, displaying a dark skinned woman in her late 30s. She was in various stages of undress - at first, she was wearing a track suit, then half of a track suit, then nothing but the flag of United States, and finally nothing. As if that wasn't enough, the last photo

 _(oh dear stars what in the)_

displayed her in the process of doing a performance for the camera - apparently she was doing some kind of consumer journalism, too, and was becoming immensely satisfied.

"STEVEN! DON'T LOOK!"

"I didn't see anything! I swear!" Steven lied, covering his eyes. Of course he had seen (and memorized) everything.

Had Lion been there... well, actually, Lion wouldn't have moved a muscle, because you gotta cover for your bros.

As Connie began frantically collecting the printed photos, a hand emerged from the depths and grabbed Steven, startling him.

To Steven and Connie's surprise, Garnet pulled herself to the surface.

"Steven Universe. Connie Maheswaran. You've got some explaining to do."

There was something white and shiny on Garnet's left hand palm. It was Pearl's gem.


	20. Terms of Service

**Chapter 20:** Terms of Service

-o-

Garnet's main focus was not the future of the American government, the upcoming Super bowl or the presidential elections. Her first and foremost duty was to keep Steven Universe safe and raise him to become a fine young man.

Garnet knew that a truckload of data, detailing the life and deeds of Priyanka Maheswaran (and other people, too) wouldn't simply randomly materialize at the Temple. Also, she had ran into Jamie the mailman (or rather, he had ran into Garnet) after his encounter with Connie and Steven. Garnet had noticed Jamie's distress, and it hadn't taken much to convince the poor mail man to tell her exactly what was bothering him. Jamie had been worried about possibly betraying the U.S. postal servicemen's code of honor, even though the young ones had indeed promised to deliver the package to its recipient.

And Pearl had disappeared. Straining with her future vision, Garnet had seen a future where Pearl would emerge from the paper pile, too late for her date with the mystery girl.

Steven and Connie had done something bad, that much was obvious.

"Now listen up, you two! Let's start with Pearl here..." Garnet started the intro of her lecture, holding Pearl's gem on her palm.

"PEARL!" Steven and Connie cried. "What happened? Where did you find her?"

 _A genuine reaction_ , Garnet thought. So the kids didn't know how Pearl had gotten poofed.

"Right about here," said Garnet, pointing downwards at the pile of paper. "As for what happened, that's what we are going to find out. Steven, go get some soap."

"But, but..." Steven stammered.

"Just GO!"

With tears in his eyes, Steven ran straight to the beach house bathroom. Soap, soap, where's the soap? Surely the gems had restocked the soap after Steven's little prank earlier: he had emptied the contents of every soap bottle, along with some dishwasher fluid, into the toilet, so Peridot had received a surprise bubble bath when she had flushed the toilet while sitting _in_ it.

Good times. But now Garnet needed the soap to treat Pearl, apparently. What kind of soap? Liquid? Solid? Car? Body? Better take everything.

As Steven exited the beach house, he could see that both Connie and Garnet were now standing on solid ground, with the former nervously tracing lines on the sand with the tip of her foot.

Breaking a sweat, Steven carried all the soap products he had found and offered them to Garnet, who picked a bottle full of hand soap and gave it a shake. She then gave the bottle a good squeeze, emptying the contents on Pearl's gem.

Nothing happened, so Garnet tossed the bottle away and started gently rubbing the gem between her palms. And voilà! Pearl's gem started to glow, rising in the air. Garnet took a few steps back.

With a flash of light, Pearl reformed, screaming with delight. "Ahhhh! That - was - wonderful! Oh, Garnet, you sure know how to treat a friend. It's been so long..." Pearl said, embracing Garnet.

"Pearl, not now. We've got company."

Pearl disengaged from Garnet and spun around. As she recognized the children she - you guessed it - blushed heavily. "What? Oh! Hello, Steven! Hello, Connie! I was just about to thank Garnet for, um, cleaning my gem. I guess it needed some soap!"

"Indeed," Garnet concurred. "Steven, Connie, now that Pearl is ok, tell us what in stars are these papers doing here?"

"I'll answer that," Connie said. "It was my idea..."

Connie explained about the investigation she and Steven had conducted. After she finished, Garnet was more than prepared to continue with her lecture.

"Connie, Steven, I'm disappointed in you. You impersonated Priyanka and lied to that Facebook guy. And you used fusion for that! Then you threatened Jamie so that..."

"No! No, no, no," Steven interrupted. "We only joked with Jamie. He realized it himself!"

"But you used his sensitive nature to get hold of someone else's mail package! You know how he his - He could lose his job for this!"

"If he can't overcome his 'sensitive nature', then perhaps he shouldn't be a delivery man in the first place," Connie stated.

"Still, it was wrong," Garnet said. "And then there's the matter of Pearl. You should have learned by now that each and every one of your actions has real consequences! This time they caused Pearl to be buried and poofed as a result!"

"Actually, I don't blame either of them for the poofing part," Pearl cut in. "I was fine right after the truck dumped its cargo on me. It happened only after I... absorbed some data that I shouldn't have. I'm not exactly sure why that happened. Not yet, at least."

Garnet sighed. "Pearl, I understand why you're being protective of your pupils, but you wouldn't have gotten poofed without their little heist."

"I'm not so sure about that," Pearl said. "I just feel that it might have happened anyway. Now, I don't want you to worry about me. It's just something that I have to figure out myself."

"Hm," Garnet commented. It was a 'hm' that carried some real weight.

Looking at Steven and Connie, Pearl continued: "That doesn't mean that we can just ignore the fact that you lied, made threats and eventually stole someone's private data."

Garnet nodded in agreement. "We thought we wouldn't have to ask this question so soon, but here it comes: Steven, Connie, what do you have to say for yourselves?"

"Well, I, we..." Steven started, but fell silent as Connie placed her hand on his shoulder.

"We know what we did was wrong. But we're not the real villains here - Facebook is! Here, exhibit A - the terms and conditions of Facebook." Connie handed Garnet her iPhone which displayed the exhibit A. She had clearly prepared her defense speech in record time. "The user waives each and every right to just about everything, allowing Facebook to collect data and give it to third parties for advertising. But there's more: their privacy policy is clearly a joke. The protections for their users are nonexistent. As for exhibit B, it's right over there - that huge pile of papers.

Then there's this page - Pearl, you might want to look away now just in case - it's a list of suggested friends for my mother. Do you recognize any of these names?" Connie handed the sheet to Garnet. "Number two on the list is Osama bin Laden. Does that name ring a bell? Anyone?"

There was a dramatic pause. If Connie had felt guilty, there wasn't any trace of it now.

"Why is that name there? Because my mom apparently thumbed up Arabic pop music videos? Because those videos simply appeared on her feed? Because she gave a lecture about field triage in Kabul? And then there are these shadow profiles. One of them is clearly made about me. It means that if I ever set up a Facebook account, all this data, accurate or not, would be tied to me, even if I have never, ever entered a single keystroke on the site. And let's not forget about all the online messaging services that Facebook has bought or is about to buy. I don't know about you, but I'm really scared about Facebook buying PurpleMonkeyChat and acquiring any pieces of _my_ personal information.

I thought about burning these data printouts, but I'm seriously considering using them to burn Facebook down instead."

"Connie, you're speaking as if ends justify the means," Garnet said.

Connie gave a sarcastic laugh.

"Am I? Then instead of justification, let me give you an explanation. You mentioned lying earlier. Don't forget that my mother lied to me! And don't say that I don't know it for sure - she's my mother, and I know her well enough. Besides, an US Army recruiter doesn't simply call a random person a 'lieutenant' out of the blue. And he lied, too. Ask Lion, if you don't believe me."

"Yeah, I saw Lion shaking his head," Steven said.

"My mom could have just said 'now is not the time to talk about this', or 'I'll tell you later'... anything," Connie continued. "By Vishnu! I'm expected to be honest all the time. It's not fair, and by that I mean that it stinks!

But do you guys know what the worst thing about all this is? Do you? It's the fact that this faceless corporation, this fucking technological beast of the Apocalypse _knows more about my mother and my family than I do!_ "

Did she just swear? Yep. Steven looked uncomfortable to say the least. Pearl gasped for air and covered her mouth, eyes wide with shock.

Garnet opened her mouth, as if to say something, but no words came out. She looked at Connie, then towards the sky, then at the ground. Pearl realized that the fusion was having a very heated internal discussion.

"Garnet?" Pearl asked. As much as she liked to see Ruby and Sapphire every now and then, she hoped that Garnet wouldn't unfuse. Not like this.

But Garnet pulled herself together. "I'm fine," she assured. "Connie, you've convinced me. I'll help you in bringing Facebook down if you want."

At first, Connie couldn't believe her ears... but then again, Garnet was Garnet, and she didn't deal in lies and half truths, at least not in a moment like this.

"I... did?" is all Connie could say.

"Yes. Actually, you convinced Ruby. And she convinced Sapphire. We had a little discussion about it just now. Apparently Ruby made a Facebook account the last time we were unfused, without Sapphire knowing about it. And now I have to deal with the same issues that you do."

"Garnet, I..."

"I wasn't finished. Oh, Pearl, go to Greg's Soapy Headlights and ask him to bring an empty container here - we'll have to store these documents somewhere safe. Have him bring a huge padlock, too. And mines, if he still has them."

"I'm on it," Pearl said. Mines? Still, she wasn't about to question Garnet now.

"One more thing. That package that Jamie was about to deliver... Now tell me, Connie, and be honest: are you going to deliver it as you promised, or are you going to open it without permission?"

Before Connie could answer, Pearl whispered: "I think she wants you to say that you'll deliver it straight away to your mother!"

Connie knew perfectly well that there was no use in trying to fool Garnet. "I... I was thinking about opening it myself but I guess I won't. I'll deliver it."

"Good, that's what I wanted to hear. Steven, why don't you give her a ride?"

"I don't think I can," Steven said, dropping his gaze. "Lion is... I don't know where he is. I think I made him angry or something. "

"I wonder how that happened," Garnet said, understanding perfectly how Lion could be when having to endure shenanigans. "Well, you and Connie should go find him. There's some roasted zebra in the fridge. You can use it to lure him to you. Well, what are you waiting for?"

"All right! Thank you!" Connie said. She took a few running steps before halting and turning around. "I really mean it. Thank you."

"Just stay out of trouble from now on," Garnet said as she waved the kids goodbye.

Turning to face Pearl, Garnet said: "I know what you're thinking - that I went too easy on them. Normally that would be true, but we have an important mission coming up."

"An important mission? What kind of mission, exactly?" Pearl asked.

"A really big one. And I don't mean taking down Facebook."

A realization hit Pearl like a brick. Homeworld. It had to be Homeworld! "Oh, no! Do you mean..."

"All I can say now is that we must be alert, like always."

"Garnet, I've said this before, but you don't have to carry the burden of knowing alone." Pearl knew full well that this particular assurance would make Garnet smile, and she wasn't disappointed.

"I'm not alone, remember? But thank you. It does mean a lot to me. I will tell everything you and the rest of the gang needs to know when and if necessary. For now, you have an important task - two tasks, actually: the one I gave you, and your date with Sheena. _Avanti!_ "

-o-

Vidalia put her Franchi Spas-12 combat shotgun back into the weapon closet and locked it carefully. The weapon would share the locker with its adopted siblings, which included a recently acquired Mossberg 590A1™ Tactical shotgun.

Amethyst had found herself a comfortable spot on a couch and decided to chill, but Peridot observed Vidalia closely.

"Earth weapons... They are very impressive, actually. I wonder how the recoil feels when you fire them," Peridot thought aloud. She had seen YouTube videos of humans firing shotguns without using the proper firing stance, and the recoil from the blast often made the shotgun jump like a lovesick stallion. She wondered if she could use her metal powers to control the recoil well enough in order to fire the shotguns simultaneously, one weapon in each hand. Probably not without practice...

"You want to try them out? We can go and visit the firing range one day," Vidalia promised, instantly earning +100 respect from Peridot. "Or do you want to go right now, hm?"

"No - yes! I mean, I have to allocate some time in my time budget. Maybe after the Beach City 200 years festival? I have become a very busy gem recently."

"Busy, eh? What if I told you that I have a working MG-3 in the basement? I'm sure my little Onion won't mind if we borrowed it."

"AAAHHHH!" Peridot cried. If Vidalia gave such weapons to her children... "ADOPT ME! PLEASE!"

"Easy there, Peri. Vidalia, don't tempt the future vice president," Amethyst quipped. "She has a schedule to follow!"

Gathering her thoughts, Peridot remembered why she wanted to visit Vidalia. "Heh! Um, I have another commission in mind. A very high quality painting, 24 bit color palette, HD resolution. It will be a gift for a very important person... oh, I never paid you for restoring the shrine of the Star Man, did I?"

"Hey, that one was free. I had fun doing it. Brought back some memories." Vidalia exchanged a knowing look with Amethyst. "To tell you the truth, a little donation would help me. I used up almost all my paints, and I need to get some new brushes. So, if you want to order a 'high quality painting', a little 'donation' wouldn't hurt."

Peridot pulled out a wad of cash and handed it to Vidalia. "These presidents are orphans. Will you adopt them?" Peridot asked, quoting a gangster flick trailer she had seen.

"Yes." The presidents quickly disappeared in Vidalia's pocket. "Now I can paint, _free of charge_ , naturally. What kind of painting you have in mind? A portrait of yourself? Or a picture of you and your friend Amethyst?"

Peridot jumped in the air from pure excitement and joy. "Oh! A great idea! I think I will place two orders instead of one! Do you have sketch paper I can use?"

"Over there," Vidalia said, pointing at the door leading to her studio. "You should be able to find a magic marker in there, too, so go knock yourself out. Just don't tip the Harley over!"

Soon, Vidalia and Amethyst could hear audible sounds of Peridot scribbling in the next room. They decided not to disturb her creative process. Vidalia sat next to Amethyst.

"What's with the weapons?" Amethyst asked. "Burglars? IRS?"

"Worse. Demagogues, and their followers. Oh, and be sure to take a look at the notches on the Spas-12 butt. I added them after hitting some random junkies that wandered too close to my property."

"You know you can call me or any of us if there's trouble."

"Hey, it's nothing I can't handle," Vidalia assured. "I do wish you could see what a rock salt filled slug does to a wannabe home invader at close range! Why, last month..."

Their ominous exchange was interrupted as Peridot hurried back. "Behold! Sketch number one - this one is for me."

The crudely drawn sketch portrayed Peridot as the Statue of Liberty... and Amethyst as Lady Justice. It appeared that they were doing a high five.

"Is that me? It is! Well, I should be flattered," Amethyst laughed. "But shouldn't it be Lapis in there?"

"Huh. What I was thinking - of course I should include Lapis! Let's forget about this one for now." Peridot placed the sketch on a table, and held up a second sketch she had created.

"Well, here's the one I'm going to give Trump."

Peridot had drawn a scene where Donald Trump and Peridot Crystal were posing like two generals. They stood in front of the flag of the United States of America.

"Here's me after completing a mission that will shape the history of this country. It's a wonderful story, actually. Maybe I'll write it into a book one day. Anyway, what do you guys think?"

"It's... right to the point; definitely you!" Vidalia said, amused at the green gem's excitement.

"You know what it needs? A touch of symbolism," Amethyst suggested, not without some mischief on her mind. "How about you enlarge the hair on Trump's head by, um... three hundred percent?"

"THAT'S IT! Amethyst, you're a genius!" Peridot exclaimed. "Vidalia, can you make it work?"

"The customer is always right," Vidalia spoke out the age old saying. "I can. I will, heh."

"You should sign it V.J. instead of V.P.," came another brilliant suggestion from Amethyst. "You know, to distance yourself from the political field." _Besides, it's funnier that way_ , she thought to herself.

"Oh, Amethyst," Vidalia sighed. Turning to Peridot, she said: "Tell you what, if you send me a photo of Lapis Lazuli, I can throw in a third painting for you. I mean, it seems that you guys might not have time to come and pose for me..."

"It is unlikely. As I previously stated..."

But then, Peridot was interrupted by the sound of breaking glass and a car alarm going off, then slowly dying somewhere in the distance (BEEPBEEPBEEP-EEK-BEEPBEEPBEOOOoooop).

"Ughh... Why do I bother locking the weapon locker?" Vidalia moaned. "Peridot, looks like you'll get to try out human weapons after all."

As Vidalia began unlocking the weapon locker, Peridot rushed to the window, hoping to catch a glimpse of whatever was causing the noise. "Why? Are we under attack?"

"Something like that. Here you go - catch!"

Vidalia grabbed the Spas-12 for herself and tossed the Mossberg shotgun at Peridot, who caught it. For the first time in her life, Peridot held a firearm in her hands.

"It's fully loaded already. Hopefully you won't have to actually fire it. Amethyst, contact the gems... Oh, do you need a weapon, too?"

"Nope, I'm good. All I need is my whip and some opponents," Amethyst said and sent a text message to the rest of the Crystal Gems. "Aaaand there. It'll take time for them to arrive, though. No matter, at least they'll get to clean up after us!"

"Um, Vidalia? I'm a bit afraid of the recoil. Could you give me something that I can fire with one hand?" Peridot asked, having swallowed her pride. After all, she was a rational, pragmatic gem. "Besides, because I'm so... short... I could use a smaller weapon. Ahem."

"All right, I'll just put the Mossie back into the locker... there. Now let's see... here, take this."

"Wow, what is this? Mac-10? No, no, let me guess... I got it... this is the UZI!" A perfect weapon for a peridot, as far as human weapons went.

"It sure is. The Israel Military Industries UZI. Perfect for night time desert warfare. Not that I would know anything about it myself..."

Now that they were armed, Vidalia quickly sent text messages to her husband and sons, warning them of the upcoming trouble. Little did she know that one of them wouldn't follow her advice to get to safety.

Not long after she had hit 'send', she received a text message from one of the neighborhood watch scouts, confirming her suspicions - it said "code-red-black".

"Who are we up against? What's the plan?" Peridot was confused as to what was happening, but there was a fiendish grin on her face all the same. Surely taking part in human territorial wars wasn't an activity fit for a vice president... but she wasn't a vice president yet.

Vidalia and Amethyst looked at each other. "I have to make this short, as we don't have much time. There's an enemy platoon marching down the street. Protesters, anarchists, communists, art school students, occupy Wall Street gang, whatever their flavor of the week is. I'm not going to let them trash my neighborhood this time! Our plan is simple: if they come this way, you and I will halt their advance on the street, while Amethyst flanks them."

"I'm supposed to be Peridot's bodyguard. Shouldn't I stay by her side?" Amethyst asked.

"Normally yes, but our strength is in flexibility. Besides, I don't think Peridot is in any more danger than you or me. Of course, if you want to simply evacuate her..."

"I'm not going to run from a fight," Peridot stated. She caught herself before she could add 'especially if I'm going against puny humans'. Vidalia was human, but even remotely implying that she was puny would probably be unhealthy.

"Good. You follow me, then. If it comes to shooting, first shot goes into the air, the rest at their legs. And fire only on my command, or if you're under attack. And Amethyst... you know what to do."

"Ohhh yeah. I'll surprise them and administer some good'ol rough-and-tumble to them if and when necessary! Watch and learn, Peri."

"Right back at you!" Peridot exclaimed, tapping her UZI with her left hand. Even though she wasn't a front line soldier, she could still fight, with or without limb enhancers. A part of her - a very small part - hoped that Yellow Diamond could see her now.

-o-

 **Author's notes:** Facebook sucks. That was actually the original title for this chapter. Although level headed people use Facebook to e.g. find lost kittens, Facebook is, ironically enough, a perfect Stasi/Gestapo tool for so the called "democracies." If you live outside the USA, don't use Facebook, ever. Actually, just don't use it, period. Whatever ugly conspiracy theories anyone can cook up about Facebook, the reality is always ten times worse.

What is happening to America? Is Chekhov's Gun just a gun? Will there be any legendary loot drops? Find out in the upcoming chapter! Drama! Excitement! Action!


	21. The Teddy bear's picnic

**Chapter 21:** The Teddy bear's picnic

-o-

 _"What's happened to America? What's happened to the American dream?_ _ **"**_

 _"It came true. You're lookin' at it. Now c'mon... let's really put these jokers through some changes."_

\- Night Owl and The Comedian, _Watchmen_

-o-

Peridot and Vidalia stood in the middle of the street in anticipation. It was a cool morning and the air was thick with mist. The rising sun offered little comfort, as it only served to make the air feel heavier. As a result the street and the entire world felt like a hallway leading into Purgatory.

"Heads up, Peridot. Here they come," Vidalia said. "Let me do the talking. And remember trigger discipline."

"Got it," came Peridot's reply. It was a good thing that the sun was behind their backs, so they didn't have to squint their eyes to see what they would be up against. The former Homeworld gem began muttering a poem under her breath: "When you're feeling low and woozy / slap a fresh clip in your Uzi / Assume the proper firing stance / and make those suckers jump and dance..."

 _Ugh, I just recited a poem,_ Peridot thought. _An Earth poem, too..._

A mob of what appeared to be humans emerged from the mists. They wore dark hoodies, jeans and shiny pseudo army boots. In the middle of the horde, someone carried a distinctive black and red black. Anarchists!

"They outnumber us," Peridot observed.

"Quantity has a quality of its own, but we got Amy to stir things up a bit," Vidalia reminded Peridot. "Pure quality is on our side."

Seeing the two sisters in battle, the mob halted. As luck would have it, the anarchists had chosen not to bring firearms with them. What they didn't know was that the Beach City Police Department was going through a heavy crisis and were in no shape to prevent riots or other 'peaceful' political or social protests. As it was, BCPD was crippled with strikes, pay cuts, more strikes and tense negotiations. Resources had also been mismanaged, as veteran officers that were desperately needed on the streets were tasked with policing the internet and social media. What was worse, the health department had started campaigning against donuts.

The closest thing the anarchists had to a leader took a couple of steps closer to Vidalia and Peridot. Well, actually, he stood in place while the rest of the gnomes took two steps backwards.

"Um, step aside, you two!" the anarchist leader called out in a remotely masculine voice.

"You shall not pass," Vidalia replied. "The last time you were here, you left dozens of burned car wrecks and spent Pepsi cans on the street."

"What? No! That was a totally different group!" the man protested.

"I'm sure it was... But aren't you supposed to be at work at this time of day?" Vidalia asked.

"TO BE HONEST, WE ARE BETWEEN JOBS AT THE MOMENT!" the mob sang together. For some reason, it sounded a bit rehearsed.

"I see. But yourrioting scares my little Onion. Get this through your heads: his right to a safe childhood environment comes before your _peaceful_ demonstration. I'm sure you'll understand when you have children of your own."

The anarchists were slightly taken aback by Vidalia's words that displayed her mom authority. The leader continued in a slightly friendlier tone:

"But we're just going to, um, peacefully protest against mayor... let me see, ah, yes, Mayor Dewey's decision to cut the funding of arts in... um, Beach City, was it? Yes, that's right - Beach City."

"I thought we were going to protest Mayor Dewey kissing Trump's hand," a voice came from the back of the black bloc.

"Oh, we were? My bad," the leader said. "Let's go with that, then."

"Isn't it a homophobic reason? It sure sounds like it," some genius of an anarchist said. "We should phrase our concerns better. How about we protest his butt kissing? Even though I have to say that I like Mayor Dewey. He's handsome. Or so I've heard. Ahem..."

The leader scratched his commando mask. "Yeah, well, it was just a figure of speech. You made a good point, though. It is our duty as anti fascists to..."

"Excuse me, I thought we were fascists," a confused protester said.

"WHAT? NO! We are NOT fascists!" the leader shouted.

"Well, I am," the protester said. "I unironically like Hitler..."

"WELL GO HOME THEN! We don't allow fascists in our ranks! By Lenin's forehead! Why don't you go protest with actual fascists?!"

Another anarchist decided to join the civilized argument. "Excuse me, but aren't we supposed to be inclusive and not exclusive?"

"To a certain point, yes, but actual fascism is crossing the line! All fascists leave NOW!"

"Look, I baked you cookies this morning," the confused fascist said. "And I kind of think of you as my family. I don't care why we're protesting, really. I just want to protest with you guys! If you make me leave, I'm taking my cookies with me."

"Fine, you can stay, but we're going to have a talk about this later. And no more Nazi cookies, ok? Make them regular cookies from now on! Hm, where was I? Ah, now I remember. This is a peaceful protest, and it's our right to..."

"Let me stop you there for a moment," Vidalia said. "We heard a car alarm going off earlier. Tell me, does that have anything to do with that smoke pillar over there?"

There was indeed smoke rising into the sky at the end of the street. Apparently one of the anarchists had gotten carried away and decided to take his (or her) frustrations on a car that presumably belonged to a member of the oppressor class.

There was a sound of someone running away. Vidalia's accusation had hit home.

"I thought so. What about those baseball bats you're carrying?"

The anarchists briefly considered explaining that the bats were only symbols of teamwork and sportsmanship, but they never got the chance. Onion, the little devil, had been watching the exchange from his hiding spot, and had decided to take the matters into his own hands. He climbed on top of a bio waste container and whistled at the mob.

"What in the name of Marx..."

Onion tossed a small stink bomb he had been saving for the Beach City 200 festivities straight at the anarcho-communists. The capsule landed a few feet short, but as it shattered, it let out a frigging awful smell.

From that moment, things happened in a rapid succession, but to Peridot, it seemed as if she was watching a YouTube video at one quarter playing speed. A couple of the anarchists, angered by Onion's stink bomb, completely lost it and started running towards him, baseball bats held high. At a glance, it might have looked like as if they wanted to play baseball with Onion, but given the context, this wasn't the case. Peridot was raising her weapon as she heard a BOOM-CHUK, BOOM-CHUK from Vidalia's trusty Spas-12. The weapon wasn't pointed at the sky, but at the anarchists' knees. So much for warning shots, then...

"Youuuuuuuuu'lllll nnnnnooooooooot taaaaaakeeee aaaaannnnoooooootheeeeeer steeeeeeeep tooooowaaaaaardsssss mmyyyyy Ooooonnnniooooooonnnn!" Vidalia screamed.

Two of the anarchists got hit, stumbled and fell; Vidalia had made both shots count. There was no blood though, as she had used shells containing rubber slugs. "I guess this is what they call bullet time," Peridot thought. She fired a burst - BRRRAAAP - at the advancing horde, and the jolt of the recoil made time flow freely once again for her.

One of the anarchists, brandishing a lead pipe, rushed at Peridot and screamed: "Fight like a gem instead of a cop!"

"Will do," Peridot replied, and yanked the lead pipe from the man's grasp and flung it back at him. The pipe made contact with his abdomen, taking him out of the fight. "That's my gem power at work. Magneto LIVES!"

"That's appropriate," Vidalia said. "You just knocked out the Hitler fan!"

Apart from a few stunned warriors, the enemy was still advancing. Some of them utilized the very weapon that Captain America had used: trashcan lid made into a shield, and managed to deflect most of Peridot and Vidalia's shots. "Bah, these rubber bullets are no good. Unless..." Peridot reached out with her metal powers, but the lid cans were made of plastic instead of metal. Swallowing her pride, Peridot called out: "Amyyyy! We could use your help right about now!"

There was an audible THUMP as Amethyst landed right in the middle of the human gang. But something looked different about her: since when did she have a tail? But of course! Hadn't Amethyst managed to scare Peridot by shapeshifting into a...

"Meow." Amethyst had shapeshifted into a fearsome lion.

"Oh Jesus Christ it's a lion!" "Get in the car!" "What car? I don't have a car!" "Don't move! Maybe it won't attack!" "We surrender!" "Yes, we surrender! Just call off your beast!"

"There's my favorite kitty, heh, heh," Vidalia laughed. "Change back, you're giving them heart attacks!"

"Okey dokey," Amethyst said and changed into her quartz soldier form. Seizing the opportunity, she grabbed the red and black flag from the hands of one of the anarchists. "Yoink!"

"OH NO, IT'S A QUARTZ SOLDIER!" "RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!" "HELP!"

"Oh come _on!_ " Amethyst protested. "So what if I'm a... Hey! Come back! Look, I'll give you your flag back!"

Seeing a lion turn into a dreaded quartz soldier was too much for the anarchists. Panic erupted, and despite running into each other like bumper cars at some 3rd rate amusement park, they made a hasty retreat. The Battle of Vidalia's Home Street was over.

Amethyst, however, was steamed at the way the anarchists had reacted to her. She casually dropped the flag she had taken... right into a puddle of mud - splat! "Whoops."

"Well, that's that, then," Peridot said.

"Hold on - looks like they forgot something else besides their flag." Vidalia pointed at a freedom fighter who was lying on the ground. "One for all, but not all for one... Amethyst, give me a hand. Peridot, go get Onion. Looks like we've got ourselves a prisoner of war!"

Taking a closer look, Vidalia and Amethyst noticed that the anarchist, a young woman, was in fact conscious. "Hey there, are you ok?"

"Why do you care?" came the reply. If she was afraid of the terrible quartz soldier, she sure didn't let it show.

"Hey, this is America," Amethyst said. "All the people under one flag and all that good jazz! Oh, and we want to know what kind of injury lawsuit you're going to throw our way. Seriously though, are you going to let us help you?"

The anarchist simply nodded. She didn't resist as Amethyst and Vidalia helped her up, but as she felt her left wrist, she gave a yelp of pain. "Ow, ow... I think my wrist is broken!"

Just then, Peridot walked up to them, holding little Onion by the hand. "Broken wrist, eh? This is why we should have a spare Rose Quartz with us."

Onion agreed with Peridot. "Meep mo meep!"

"We don't know for sure if her tears would work on a human, even if they can fix gems. Rose Quartzes are 100% gems, unlike our Steven, y'know," Amethyst pointed out. She had done her homework on gem healing powers.

"I have a medkit inside. We can create a temporary cast and give her some painkillers before taking her to a hospital," Vidalia suggested.

"No hospital! Please! They... I don't like hospitals, ok?" the girl pleaded.

Amethyst gave a sigh. Probably the girl didn't want her name entered into patient records or something. "That's just great. We'll just have to wait for Steven to get your wrist fixed, then. Don't worry, his healing spit will do the trick, since he's a human-gem hybrid. It won't even hurt."

The anarchist girl was confused. Healing spit? Tears? Gems? Hybrids? Are they completely mad, or some New Age believers? "Who... who are you people?"

"You first," Peridot demanded. "Judging by your poor tactical skills (among other clues), I can see that you're not from Beach City. Therefore, you are enemy combatants who attacked us, so you'll have to tell your name first!"

"Amethyst," the human girl said.

"Yep, that's my name," the quartz soldier said, pointing at herself, then at the girl. "Me Amethyst, you...?"

"Oh, you're called Amethyst? Well, my name is Amethyst, too..."

-o-

"How can I help you?" the hospital clerk asked Connie.

"I'm working on a school presentation," Connie replied. "Do you have any extra skeletons I could borrow?"

The clerk recognized Connie as Dr. Maheswaran's daughter and dutifully laughed at the jest. "Oh, it's Connie Maheswaran, isn't it?"

"Yeah. I have a special delivery for my mom. Is she available?"

"Let me check." The clerk tapped at her keyboard. "Looks like she's in a meeting, but you can go and wait for her in the guest room on this floor. I'll page her. Suppose you know where the guest room is?"

"Yeah! Thanks!"

The hospital guest room was dimly lit and plain, but cozy. Connie sat on a chair and looked at the familiar poster that was attached to the wall. It had an image of a lifeguard bear, along with an important message: " _Only YOU can prevent spinal cord injuries - Don't jump head first into water!"_

Connie looked at the package that rested on her lap. What was inside it that caused Jamie to be so protective of it? Or did he simply try to be more professional than the average U.S. deliveryman?

"Hm, I could use an x-ray machine right now. I wouldn't be actually opening the package... Wait! What if there's a BOMB inside?! No, that's silly. Garnet would have warned me if that was the case..."

Connie's risk analysis was interrupted as the door opened and Priyanka stepped in.

"Hi, Connie! I just heard that you came here. Is everything all right?"

"Everything's fine... I, um, me and Steven ran into Jamie the delivery guy. He had a package for you, so I _offered_ to deliver it so he could go and practice. For the festivities, that is."

"All right, let's see the package."

"It's on the table."

Priyanka pulled up a chair and sat at the table. She was surprised to see that the package had some familiar looking seals and markings on it.

"Aren't you going to open it?" Connie urged.

Priyanka hesitated, but curiosity overtook her and she opened the package.

Inside the package was a painting, accompanied by a letter. Priyanka begun reading the letter while Connie took the opportunity to study the painting.

Connie's eyes grew larger as she realized that the painting was a portrait of... a much younger Priyanka Maheswaran. It was definitely her - who else could it be? But instead of a doctor's outfit, Priyanka was wearing a military uniform, complete with an American flag on the shoulder.

There was something crude or unrefined in the way the paintbrush had moved on the canvas, but the features of Priyanka had been painted with determination. In the painting, Priyanka held her head high, looking at the viewer. The background was a fiery display of blue and red, two of the exact colors of the American flag. But there was something in her eyes that didn't seem to fit... or perhaps it was something that _did_ fit, given the subject matter. That stare! Where had Connie seen it before? She gasped as the realization struck her: the gaze was a close approximation of the thousand mile stare.

Priyanka was still reading the letter, apparently over and over again, and didn't protest as Connie picked the painting up and flipped it over. There wasn't a signature on the front, but on the back, an inscription "G.W.B. '16" could be seen.

After his retirement, George W. Bush, the 43rd president of the United States of the America had taken up painting. Not only did he receive praise from critics, but he also found a whole new universe in his new hobby. His favorite subjects were war veterans, many of which would carry the injuries and ailments of war with them for the rest of their lives.

"Mom."

Priyanka crumpled the letter and shoved it in her pocket. "Connie, give that painting to me," she said, voice nearly cracking.

"Mom, I lied about Jamie..." Connie began, trying to distract her mother by admitting to having told a lie.

"I don't care about that!" Priyanka snapped. "Give that painting to me right now!"

"Why? What are you going to do with it?" Connie asked. In its own way, the painting was wonderful - it was her mother in it, after all - and Connie wanted to keep it. She was afraid that if she obeyed her mother, she would never see the painting again. "You're going to throw it away, aren't you?"

"What I'm going to do with it is my business. Now hand it over!" Priyanka stood up and tried to snatch the painting from Connie's hands.

"No!" Connie yelled, taking a few steps back. Remembering the fate of the abacus, she felt a brief twang of guilt.

"Connie, stop being childish..."

"You stop lying first! A lie of omission is still a lie."

They stared at each other in silence.

"What's in Nevada?" Connie finally asked.

Priyanka didn't answer.

"Fine, I'll just phone Mr. Bush then and tell him: hello, Mr. Former President, sir, this is Connie Maheswaran from Beach City. You sent a portrait of my mom to her, and I was wondering if you could tell me in which unit and in which armed conflict did she serve?"

Priyanka knew that of course Connie would do just that. Where had she inherited such stubbornness? Knowing the answer full well, Priyanka sat down, breaking eye contact. "Oh, Connie. My Connie..."

"Mom, I want to know. I want to know everything. Please."

Priyanka gave a heavy sigh. There was a big part of her past life that she had wanted to bury. She had made herself believe that such a feat was not only possible but also necessary as she was raising her daughter. Perhaps she had been wrong on both accounts.

Priyanka spoke then with a calm voice. "Would you sit down? This might take a while."

Connie sat down.

"I remember when I had a very heated argument with my mother -your grandmother. I've never really told you much about her. We... had disagreements. About my life and future. Sound familiar?"

To Connie's joy, Priyanka was smiling a bit as she said that. Obviously, a heavy burden was being lifted off her chest.

Priyanka had wanted to get away from the life that had been built for her. She had run into a recruiting officer who had promised her a ticket somewhere far, far away from her hometown. When she had turned 18, she had joined the army against the wishes of her parents. She wanted to see the world... and found out that that there was some wisdom to the saying that you should be careful for what you wish for. After making through the boot camp and eventually becoming a medical officer (with access to all kinds of herbs), she became stationed to Groom Lake - Area 51 for a time. And just like so many promising young American soldiers, she would later take part in the Fast Food War in South America and the notorious Golden Sands Incident in the Middle East.

Instead of going into great detail of the horrors of war, Priyanka instead focused on things like the many pranks she and her fellow soldiers had played on each other and on their superiors. She had succeeded in making her squad mates nearly choke themselves with laughter. She had made a colonel cry bitter tears of rage, which she had accomplished by defacing a cringy motivational poster. Nobody had suspected her of the deed, or at least nobody had ratted her out.

And during one night _over there_ , having managing to save the lives of almost every victim of a particularly bad ambush, Priyanka had looked at the stars and quietly told herself: "I'm not here anymore. I have already forgotten this fucking desert. I'm already home. No more army. Just me, Doug and our daughter. Or son. All of us, together. Safe."

A pager alarm brought her back to the present day. Knowing that she was needed somewhere in the hospital, Priyanka got up.

"Connie, I... I have to go back to work now. I'll tell you the rest later..."

But before she could leave, Connie caught her in a hug. "Mom, you don't have to tell me every detail. I'm just glad you're my mom."

"Me too, honey."

-o-

"We have the same name? Cool!" Amethyst the gem soldier said to Amethyst the human anarchist. "I don't suppose you have a gem, though... Say, did your parents like amethysts?"

"What? No! They didn't name me Amethyst. I took the name for myself." Something about the subject irritated the girl, and she forgot her broken wrist for a moment.

Onion tugged at Peridot's hand.

"Hey, Vidalia, I think your Onion wants us to go inside. It's tactically unwise to stand around here like this," Peridot said.

"All right, let's go," Amethyst Facet-5 Cut-8XM agreed. "You coming? We'll get your wrist fixed. Y'know, as a sign of good faith and all that jazz," she told the human.

"I guess I will."

Soon they were in Vidalia's living room. "Sit tight, I'll get my medical supplies," Vidalia said to the girl.

Onion mumbled something to Peridot. "I can't understand a word," Peridot said to Onion. "So, I'll just assume that you want to show the Em Gee 3 to me. Is that right?"

Onion smiled and nodded, clapping his hands.

"All right, lead the way!"

Amethyst decided to inquire further about the name of her human namesake. "So, what's your, um, full name?"

The human girl shrugged. "If you have to know, I used to be Charlotte Teremoidova. But I grew to dislike 'Charlotte', so I changed it to Amethyst. I mean, it's not official yet, but my friends call me Amethyst."

"What's wrong with Charlotte?"

"Isn't it obvious? It stinks of the bourgeoisie, aristocrats, oppressors, that kind of stuff."

"Well, you're safe with being Amethyst, then. You see, we amethysts are quartz warriors, not aristocrats. We're like an ancient but integral part of the gem empire. At least most of us are, I think. It's the Diamonds that are the oppressors, so..."

The girl grew worried. "What do you mean, 'Amethysts'? Do you have a twin who's also called Amethyst?"

"Well, you see, I'm a gem! There are different gem types - I guess it's almost the same as what a profession is to humans. You see, there are Rubies, Amethysts, and Pearls to name a few types. We're all gems, though, even if Amethysts are a whole different bunch than Pearls, for example. We can all fuse with each other, though, because... Hey, why are you looking so pale?"

Charlo... I mean, Amethyst ignored Amethyst's question. "You've been Amethyst your whole life? You and other Amethysts? You said that you were ancient..."

"Well, yeah. I mean, I'm not a day older than 5500. Or maybe I am, heh. Dunno about previous era amethysts, though. Obviously those would be a lot older than me."

"Ahhuk! Cough! I... I... I'm sorry! I didn't know! I didn't mean to..."

"Know what? Didn't mean to do what?"

"I have... I have culturally appropriated the name of your gem type for my own selfish needs! I'm so sorry!"

Amethyst (the gem) had almost understood what human 'culture' meant, but she had never even heard about _cultural appropriation_. "Culturally what?"

Vidalia came back with a medkit. She had heard the conversation, and she knew that tending to the broken wrist wouldn't be possible if Amethyst (human) started to freak out.

"Amy, cultural appropriation is what these geniuses consider to be the 11th deadly sin. It's human stupidity, really. Don't waste time trying to understand it. Hey, Amethyst?"

The girl looked at Vidalia.

"Think for a moment - was this purple Amethyst here angry when you told that you were also called Amethyst?"

"No..."

"That's right," the quartz warrior said. "If the name suits you, then you use it. It's that simple. I don't mind."

"You're not mad?"

"Obviously she isn't," Vidalia said. "How about you dump the idea of cultural appropriation and start thinking about cultural appreciation or celebration instead!"

The girl wasn't entirely convinced, but at least she now knew that she hadn't offended Amethyst the quartz. "But..."

Vidalia rolled her eyes and decided to talk some more sense into her guest. "But nothing! As an artist, I know what I'm talking about. Everything is connected to everything on this planet. It's a rare occasion when something is born out of nothing, very rare," she explained. "Even dubstep has roots in other musical genres. Another example: suppose you write a poem. Each and every expression, every word and every cliché you use has been refined over thousands of years by different people and cultures. Same goes for literature, fashion, architecture, film, you name it. There's nothing wrong in the act of rearranging the components to create something new. This planet is a huge recycling plant, and despite the missteps of postmodern art, people sometimes come up with stuff that actually speaks to you and maybe even makes the world a better place. That's what's important. I hope your ears didn't fall off! I get carried away sometimes."

"But I still think that taking bits and pieces of other cultures is misreprenting them - I should really give up my chosen name!"

"Look, there are guys whose first name is Jesus. Nobody accuses them of misreprenting or impersonating _that_ Jesus. And I'm sure everyone knows that just because someone is called Jesus, it doesn't mean that they are _the_ guy from Nazareth."

 _Man, you learn something new every day,_ Amethyst the gem thought.

"I... I guess you have a point," the human girl said. "So, um..."

"So you just call yourself whatever you want," the purple gem said. "We're all cannibals here, just like comedians, YouTube celebrities and wannabe authors. And you can call me Amy or Miss America, you know, to avoid confusion. Hey Vid, why don't you show some of your _original_ art to our guest?"

"First I'll see to her wrist. May I?"

The girl rolled up her sleeve and nodded.

Vidalia used item: medkit

(Amethyst the human received 25 health)

With a makeshift cast around her wrist, Amethyst the human felt more comfortable. She refused painkillers, though.

"Would you prefer tea, then?" Vidalia asked. Yep, the little anarchist preferred tea.

"So, what's that group you're hanging out with... anarcho communists?" Amy asked.

"Why do you want to know?"

"Oh, I just wondered if they were anything like actual communists. You know, those old school types from the Soviet Union era."

"Aaaand there she goes. Watch out or you'll become a pacifist," Vidalia teased. "Amy is about to tell stories from the Great Patriotic War again."

"Da, tovarich," Amy said, making a military salute. "Such a nasty business. And it didn't really end after the actual shooting stopped."

"Look, I know you're trying to take my thoughts away from the pain, but you don't have to make up such... fables," the human girl said.

Vidalia and Amethyst looked at each other. "You don't believe her? Well, it doesn't hurt to be a skeptic sometimes, but... Hey, I have something that you might find interesting," Vidalia said. She retrieved a mysterious item from a storage closet and handed it to the girl.

"A military award - a gold star?"

"Not just any gold star," the quartz warrior pointed out. "That's the Gold Star Medal of Hero of the Soviet Union. Vintage of 1945."

"How... how did you get it? It's not a replica, is it?"

"Nope, it's the real thing. You see, I helped evacuate Russian civilians when the Germans started their Operation Barbarossa. And when the winter struck, I did my best to keep the Soviet tank crews warm. No, it's not what you think! Ahem. Well, anyway, when we eventually pushed into Berlin, I received a message that I'd been awarded the Star. My commanding officer gave his Star to me, so I could wear it before my own medal would arrive to the front lines."

The girl listened to the story without believing a single word. _These people are mad. Nice, but mad_ , she thought.

"It's actually the same medal. You see, I got myself booted from their ranks after I started evacuating German civilians to the west." Amethyst clenched her fists; not all of memories were golden. "Some Soviet soldiers... did things to the civilians. As I said, I did my best to help them escape. Of course my CO caught wind of it. He told me off as if I was some kind of traitor - said that the best he could do was to try to remove any record of me being in their ranks to begin with. He said he'd call in a favor, and that he saved us both from being sent to a gulag in Siberia. You see, I kind of saved his life a couple of times, so he felt like he owed me. I told him that I'd keep his medal as a souvenir, though - then I grabbed some sausages and ran! I earned that medal, or at least that's how I felt then."

"I should have painted one of those bas-relief soldiers using your shade of purple when I visited Bulgaria during my art lecture tour," Vidalia said with a grin. "Maybe next time..."

"Nah, it's a waste of a good color. Just paint their hands red."

"You said you evacuated German civilians. Didn't it occur to you that they might have not been civilians at all, but war criminals?" Amethyst the human girl asked.

"Don't think so. They were women and children. There was one drag queen in the last group I helped escape, though. Definitely not a soldier or anything."

Amethyst Charlotte Teremoidova resisted the urge to facepalm. Instead, she inspected the medal more closely. "There's some engraving on the back. A name... Igor Teremoidov. My great-grandfather was called Igor... can this be...?"

"Some high grade fate stuff?" Amy finished the question. "Yes, it can. But it could just as well be a coincidence. Hm, I'm hungry."

"I thought you'd never say that," Vidalia said. "Hamburgers coming up for my favorite quartz. And for our guest!" With that, Vidalia went to toss some highly illegal hamburgers (they actually contained meat) into the microwave.

"May I... may I borrow this?" the girl asked. "I'd like to show it to my family. I swear I'll return it!"

"No need to swear. Just take it - I've got enough old junk back in my room. Heh, the Order of Lenin I got earlier looks really funny! Bald guy, baldy, heh, heh. Anything else you fancy?"

"You're really kind. I don't suppose you have Alexander Pokryshkin's autograph?" the girl joked.

"I... um, yes, Sasha did give me one," Amethyst admitted, blushing heavily. "It's just that the acknowledgment text is kinda private, so, um, I'm keeping it in a safe place. Sorry."

"No problem. About this medal, then... Look, I can't thank you enough. If there's anything I can do for you guys..."

Amethyst waved her hand dismissively. "Well, you can't do the dishes now, so just stay out of trouble, especially here in Beach City. We've got a big party tomorrow. Everyone is invited, except for troublemakers. Oh, and you might want to save your thanks until after Steven gets your wrist fully healed. Anyway, where are you from? Russia?"

"No, Seattle," the anarcho-communist blurted out. _Damn, I wasn't supposed to reveal that information_ , she thought, but it was too late.

"Ok. Would you like some tossed salads and scrambled eggs, then? Ha, ha, haa!"

"I don't get it."

Amethyst the gem, of course, had found out what was _really_ funny in the city name. "That's ok. But you pronounced your home city wrong. It's more like Sea-attle. Seeeee-attle!"

"Actually, it's pronounced more like _Seatchklcht_ ," Vidalia called out. Entering the room, she continued: "That's how the Native American tribe there called it. I think it was named after their war chief. Try saying 'Seatchklcht' with your mouth full of grub!"

Ding!

"Speaking of which, there goes the microwave!"

After 45 minutes of eating (they ordered pizza & Pepsi, too, yet another culturally appropriated trucker meal from Mongolia) and some art appreciation, there was a knock on the door. Three sets of knuckles belonging to Garnet, Pearl and Steven knocked at the same time. Amethyst, having almost finished her meal, let them in.

"Hey, ghuyf! Wha' hook u' fo wong?" she asked.

"We took Lion here and ran into some strange anomalies in the time-space continuum," Steven explained. Actually, he meant it as a joke, but he was unknowingly right. "So, you have a patient for me?"

"Right there in the living room. Hope your magic works!"

The gang gathered in the living room. Peridot emerged, too, having marveled at Vidalia's weapon collection. Onion had stayed in the basement to fill ammo belts. While Garnet, Pearl and Vidalia started discussing the recent events, Steven and Amethyst tended to latter's namesake.

"Hi, I'm Steven! I hear your wrist is broken?"

"Yes, but... Are you supposed to be some kind of healer?" the girl asked.

"Yeah. Now, this might feel a bit weird..."

"That's okay," she replied. "I'm getting used to weird stuff... I think."

-o-

 **A/N:** What a great chapter to post just before Christmas, the time of joy, celebration and peace!

Despite their claims, modern communists, antifa members and anarchists have a very shallow and selfish political agenda: it's fun to loot stores - it certainly isn't violence if you liberate a few Mars bars after smashing in some windows. That's literally the whole extent of the antifa ideology. Just like their far right counterparts, these hooligans are the perfect useful idiots for certain dictatorships and shady organizations which seek to destabilize western democracies.

Alexander Pokryshkin was a highly skilled Soviet fighter pilot during the WW2. Not only did he bag a bunch of Luftwaffe planes, but he also revised the Soviet air combat doctrine. He flew most of the war with the Bell P-39 Airacobra fighters, which were delivered to the USSR by USA as part of the lend-and-lease program. The U.S. pilots thought that P-39 was an inadequate or even a poor fighter, but the Soviet pilots used the little cobra (which they affectionally called Kobrushka) with great success.

The name 'Charlotte' wasn't originally meant to be a reference to the Charlottesville protests. I just like the name, so why not.

 **-=== PERIDOT THE MAGNIFICENT RETURNS IN 2018 ! ===-**

Well, it's not like she's going to Canada or anything. Anyway, Merry Christmas! (None of that "season's greetings" or "happy holidays" - nonsense)

-o-


	22. Prepare for trouble

**Chapter 22:** Prepare for trouble

-o-

"In '87, Huey released this, Fore, their most accomplished album. I think their undisputed masterpiece is 'Hip to be Square', a song so catchy, most people probably don't listen to the lyrics. But they should, because it's not just about the pleasures of conformity, and the importance of trends, it's also a personal statement about the band itself."

\- Patrick Bateman, _American Psycho_

-o-

 **The Beach City Post**

Sunscreen 50, wind speed 0.1 m/s, Saturday, June, 18, 2016

USA: 1,75$

EU: 1.5€

JPN: ¥196

Mars: 493.11'

200 years of Beach City Official Festivities Start Today

For the past two hundred years, our glorious Beach City has been an integral part of the American way of life. Founded by Captain William Dewey, Beach City has grown and evolved throughout the years, shaping the souls of not only its citizens, but the soul of our entire nation. From hunter/gatherers and farmers to life guards and surfers, Beach City has always been home to people that possess a healthy sense of national and regional identity, courage - both physical and intellectual - honesty, fairness and hardworking nature.

Exactly two hundred years ago, a group of brave pioneers felled mighty trees and drew away most of the wildlife to make way for a humble settlement that would eventually become Beach City. But even then, our ancestors showed kindness towards Mother Nature and let the seagulls stay. Today, we celebrate 200 years of Beach City to honor their brave spirit. (Our ancestors', not the seagulls')

Be sure to support your local street vendors and buy the official 200 years of Beach City t-shirts!

\- Cinnamon Trufax, editor-in-chief

It was 10:47, a very beautiful day at the Crystal Palace. And it was a beautiful day for the entire Beach City, too. I mean, why not?

Pearl, always the early bird, was skimming through the still warm morning newspaper. "Official festivities... t-shirts... famous celebrities rumored to visit Beach City... Volbeat concert... What's this? Somebody has vandalized this paper already. I bet it was Amethyst. What else... Parade, yadayadayada... I think I'll stay away from all this craziness," she mumbled to herself. "What's this? Hey, Garnet, will you listen to this: _Mayor Dewey praises the new Beach City coat of arms: runs out of superlatives._ And laxatives, I might add. Hmph! This new city logo is awful! Well, at least I don't have to deal with him today."

"Actually, you might very well bump into him. You'll be right in the middle of the festivities," Garnet said as she entered the living room.

"Hm? Why? What does your future vision tell you now?" Pearl asked.

"It's not just my future vision, but my past vision. That human girl, Sheena, agreed to pick you up today. Actually, she should be here in 3 minutes at most, assuming she didn't get lost on the way. And the chance her actually getting lost is zero."

Pearl let out a gasp, jumping from the couch. "Oh STARS! I can't... How could I have forgotten? How do I look?!"

"The same as yesterday," Garnet deadpanned.

"GARNET!"

"What I mean that you look stunning as always. In fact, I think Ruby fancies you. _Nuh-uh! It's Sapphire who does!_ Ahem... Please disregard that. Ruby and Sapphire had a little exchange there." She motioned for Pearl to sit down on the couch, then sat next to her. "But I can see that you are really nervous. I assure you, you don't have to be."

"Thanks... But it's just that it's been so long when I've been on a date. Or, anything even resembling a date... I mean, I used to dance with Rose, but... Oh, shoot." Pearl cussed herself. She had worked hard to get over the magnificent Rose Quartz.

"Think of it this way: you're going on a date with someone who is just as wonderful - in her own way - as Rose was. Just as wonderful as _you_ are."

"Wonderful?" Pearl replied. "Yes, by gem standards, obviously... But what if I'm too wonderful, or wonderful in the wrong way? What if I just act all weird and scare her away?"

"Don't underestimate her. I think she already knows you're weird, and she still agreed to go on a date with you."

"Oh, you're horrible! But I think you've got a point. Thank you. I feel better already. Yes! Confidence is now my middle name. I won't worry about it any longer! I'm..."

Just then, the doorbell rang. Ding dong!

"AHHHHHH!" Pearl yelled, nearly jumping through the ceiling.

"Well, that's probably her," Garnet said with a smile, getting up. As Pearl went to answer the door, Garnet stepped on the warp pad.

"Wait! Where are you going?" Pearl asked.

"If you must know, Cairo. I'll be back for the parade, though. But don't focus on me! Open the door for her!"

"But, but..."

Ding dong! The doorbell rang again.

As Pearl turned around, she heard the warp pad activate behind her. Gathering her courage once more, Pearl opened the door.

"Hi there, Pearl..."

There she was, just like Pearl had imagined her. No, not quite: judging from Sheena's posture, she seemed less... comfortable? Less cool? No. Less confident? Somehow, Pearl realized that Sheena was probably just as nervous as she was. All the more reason not to make her freak out...

"Oh! Sheena! Hi! You... you found your way here, I see!"

"Yeah, this place is kind of hard to miss," Sheena said. "So, uh, is this a home or a real temple?"

"It's... kind of both," Pearl replied. "A home and a temple of... um, David Bowie!"

"Bowie? It figures - I hear he's always been very popular in Beach City. Well, are you ready to go? I'm kind of early, heh... Do you need a minute?"

"Oh, no, no, no! I'm as ready as I'll ever be!"

"Great! I've got my bike barked over there. I brought you an extra helmet."

Sheena begun to lead Pearl towards her bike. The pale gem carried the helmet Sheena had given her, holding it tightly against her chest.

"You know, the parade doesn't start until a few hours," Sheena said. "It's really hot today, so I thought we could go visit the art museum first. At least the air conditioning works there. What do you say?"

"That sounds like a great idea!"

"I know. It was your idea, remember? You suggested it on the phone," Sheena reminded Pearl.

Before Pearl could formulate a reply to explain why she was so absent minded, Sheena continued: "There's something in there we absolutely must see. I think you did mention it... but, you see, a friend of mine visited the place earlier and told me that it's really, really great. I can't wait!"

When Pearl saw the Harley Davidson, she remembered the reckless way she had raced after Sheena. But motor cycles didn't have seat belts... How did humans not get hurt riding those things, anyway? Probably the same way as riding a horse. Still...

"Um, I haven't traveled on a motor cycle before. Is there anything I should know?"

"It's simple," Sheena replied. "You put your helmet on, sit behind me and hold onto me with all your strength!"

"Understood!"

 _With all my strength..._

 **The Beach City** com **Post**

Announcements, events and other hubbub

SBCF2T Tournament held today at Funland Arcade

Super Beach City Fighter 2 Turbo (the latest iteration of the revolutionary Beach City Fighter) Beach City 200 Hit Combo Tournament is held today at the Funland Arcade. Can you kara cancel a Spinning Roundhouse Teleport Kick of Doom into your opponent's face? Can you parry the full super art of Jasper Quartz? If you said yes, then maybe YOU have what it takes to be the next Super Beach City Fighter 2 Turbo CHAMPION!

What game is this, you ask? Have you been living inside a potato?! Super Beach City Fighter 2 Turbo is a 1-on-1 martial arts video game, developed by the industry darling company, PajCom! SBCF2T gained huge popularity after Felix Kjellberg, the lead designer, gave the following statement: "Our game won't have Nazi DRM, on-disc DLC, censorship or any other cloddy design choices. Oh and it's not going to have a 'skip gameplay' button."

The tournament follows the revised EVO rules:

1) Tournament matches are 2 out of 3 games. Finals are 3 out of 5. Format is double elimination.

2) No whining! But the occasional roast is allowed.

3) Physical contact is forbidden! Keep it in the parking lot or a hotel room.

4) Participants and audience are kindly asked to use WATER and SOAP before entering the tournament area.

5) Players are allowed but not required to use their own controllers. Our kind sponsor, Fishy Demon has provided us with with their latest arcade sticks.

6) All character costumes are unlocked. Any kind of virtue signaling is forbidden. Leave your problem glasses at the door.

May the best warrior win! Fight with honor, respect and disrespect! Leave your mark in fighting game history!

"Remind me again why we're here?" Lapis asked as she, Peridot, Amethyst and Steven made their way through the crowd to the tournament area.

"OK!" said Steven, full of excitement. "This isn't just any video game tournament! For many players, it's a ticket to the next year's EVO tournament. It's also chance to get a sponsorship deal. There are lots of agents in the audience today."

"You seem to know a lot about these tournaments. Are you not participating?" Peridot asked.

"I haven't had a chance to practice enough," Steven replied. "Besides, I just installed the latest patch, and it has a ton of new stuff and tweaks that are supposed fix some balance issues. But this is a good chance to get to see the top players in the country."

"Like Daigo Umehara?" Peridot asked, suppressing a smile. As a future vice president, she had doubled her efforts to learn something about every famous human on the planet. What Steven didn't know that Peridot wanted to steer the conversation away from the patch.

"I hear Daigo is focusing on SFV," Steven said. "Still, I wouldn't be surprised if he or one of his friends decided to come here and grab the first prize. Hey, look, free seats for all the three of us!"

"Where's Connie?" Amethyst asked.

"We'll meet Connie and her parents outside once the parade starts," Steven replied. "She can't stand the smell here."

"The smell?" Lapis asked with a frown.

"Don't worry - it looks like the top 8 finals are about to start already. The players are so skilled that time will pass really quickly!"

Sure enough, they were just in time to see the top 8 finals. Steven and Amethyst cheered with the crowd every time a grappler character made a difficult command grab against a fireball spammer or when a specific juggle combo was seen on the big screen. After a couple of matches, Lapis started cheering as well. But Peridot didn't seem very happy at what she was seeing.

The match commentators, a real dynamic duo, did their best to further elevate the hype levels, especially for people who were watching the official tournament online stream. Their expert comments included these gems:

"The disrespect, the disrespect!"

"Oh, he might want to start blocking those lows."

"That was smart, real smart!"

"He likes traps."

"Really?"

"Yeah, he said so earlier on Twitter."

"Well you gotta take it with a grain of salt..."

"Back medium in THAT situation? No one could have seen that coming!"

"Well, that created some salt all right!"

"OK, I think this round is done, all he needs is to do is..."

"OH MY GOD! What just happened! What just happened!"

"Evo moment #47!"

"Commentator's curse, everyone!"

"Shout outs to our sponsors: Big Donut, McDonald's and Fishy Demon Arcade Sticks!"

"Is the stream quality OK? Let us know in the chat."

"What are we fighting foooor!"

Peridot, however, put on a very grumpy face and sat in silence. But when a Beach City resident got eliminated from the tournament by a Japanese player, she started heckling. "Boo! What is this crap? My grandmother could have blocked that!"

"Peridot, calm down. You don't even have a grandmother," Steven said, really hoping that the organizers wouldn't throw them out.

"Steven's right. Besides, this isn't a wrestling match where you can insult the contestants," Amethyst pointed out. "Uh oh. Look who's here."

Mr. Smiley had heard Peridot ranting, and was now approaching the trio. He had decided to have a friendly talk with Peridot and sat right next to her.

"Well, well, well. I thought you looked familiar," Smiley said. "Are you sure you don't need some fresh air, short one? Hm?"

If looks could kill, Peridot's gaze would have scarred Smiley's DNA on a molecular level to the point of disrepair. "Greetings, Mr. Slimey. How nice of you to remind me that I am short. But you are correct - it is indeed a beautiful day outside," Peridot agreed, her voice dripping with venom. "Such great weather. Do you know of what it reminds me of?" Before Smiley could answer, Peridot continued: "It reminds of the weather cycles of this planet, and how they differ from each other as the seasons change. That, in turn, reminds me of the passage of time, and how we gems live an almost infinite life when compared to humans, and how we should be thankful of each day we are given by the Great Kindergartner in the pumpkin patch, whether our lives are long or _short -_ like your is."

Mr. Smiley felt a sudden urge to enjoy the fresh air himself, and was quickly overcome by it. He left without saying another word that day.

"Was that really necessary?" Steven asked.

"Of course it wasn't - that's why I had to do it!" Peridot snapped.

"You're wrong! If there's anything I've learned recently, it's that you shouldn't make any kind of threats to good people like Mr. Smiley. He's just doing his job!"

"Steve Fox here is right," Amethyst said. "I've learned something too. It's better to concentrate on something positive instead of holding on to a silly grudge. Trust me on this, Pewter!"

Peridot decided to calm down before Lapis would chime in, too. "All right, I see your point. I'll make peace with Mr. Smiley later. Or maybe I'll just use my growing influence to send business his way the first chance I get."

It is said that the road to Hell is paved with good intentions. Luckily for Peridot, she would later completely forget any good intentions she might have had towards Mr. Smiley.

In any case, Steven, Amethyst and Lapis gave her approving nods and thumbs up.

But alas! As the matches went by, Peridot's distaste towards the players' apparent lack of skill grew, and she started heckling again. This didn't go unnoticed by the commentators.

"We have a timeout. Hey, can we get a camera on the audience? All right, thanks. There's a really angry little green bean bag, right there, constantly yelling at the contestants!"

"You're right! It's as if she's pouring all the salt on herself..."

"All right, timeout is over, back to the match. Score is 1-0 for our players. Looks like Japan's champion, Borubito, is about to send our Frylock home."

"Speaking of which, Frylock is already home, so he doesn't have to go far if he loses! He's the last Beach City resident in our roster, still hanging on to tournament life!"

"Aaaand here we go. Come on, Frylock!"

Peridot really didn't care which of them would win. She felt that neither of them were any better than a random online player (she was wrong), and she let everyone know what she thought of them and the tournament.

Frylock (Ronaldo Fryman, actually) managed to tie the score to 1-1, but lost the last game. Being a good sport, he bowed and gave his comments after the match: "I did not lose to an unskilled opponent. GG! Wish me luck in Smash!" With that, he headed to the Super Smash tournament area.

It was now painfully obvious that the top 6 players of the tournament would be either foreigners or Americans that lived outside Beach City. In the three previous tournaments, at least one local player had made it into top 6, and last year, Ronaldo had placed 3rd, while Lars "Barrage" Barriga had taken the 1st place.

Then came the long awaited moment of the grand final.

"Grand Final? There is nothing grand about..." Peridot started to complain, but she was cut short as Lapis placed a hand on her shoulder, giving a look that was not entirely friendly. Lapis had learned that this gesture was very effective in getting Peridot's attention, and sure enough, the adorable green jerk got the hint and promised to keep her protestations to herself for the duration of the event.

The grand final match proved to be exciting, as usual, even if it offered little surprises. As expected, the Japanese guy, Borubito, won the tournament without breaking much sweat. The last hope of America, some guy from New York, fought valiantly but it wasn't enough against the crystal fists of Borubito. The players shook hands and thanked each other for a great match.

 _Well, the tournament is over, so now I have fulfilled my promise_ , thought Peridot, and began another rant: "WHAT THE DEVIL IS THIS!" she yelled. "None of the top 6 players deserve to be here! I tell you, if Barrage was here, he would have beat you all! You have beaten the best of what Beach City has to offer - NOT!"

"Ha, ha, do you even play this game?" someone from the audience taunted.

"Do I play this game? I've played fighting games before anyone in this room could do a fireball motion!" Peridot bragged.

"Ooooh!" went the crowd.

A very, very civilized debate broke out. Commentators, organizers and the players each voiced their opinions regarding the game, the tournament, competitive play in general, life and just about everything. No one raised their voice, and no one threatened each other with violence or ban from future tournaments.

It would have gone on forever, but Borubito, the tournament winner, made an excellent suggestion: "Surely, we have time for an exhibition match! A money match! I can put 500 dollars, American dollars, on the table. Maybe the loud, green girl can challenge me and put 500 dollars on the table. It would be an honor to play."

The tournament judge saw an opportunity to create hype, so he exchanged nods with the stream commentators and made an official announcement: "Thanks to our flexible schedule, we have time for one money match before the next event starts on this stage. What do you say, people?"

"Yeaaaah!" said the crowd.

Peridot jumped on the stage and summoned exactly 499 dollars from her gem. She looked Borubito straight in his eyes and asked: "It looks like the quantity of the Earth American currency in my possession is one unit short. Could you borrow a dollar?"

"I can _give_ youone dollar, ha ha haa!"

"Thanks! Now let's play some Super Beach City Fighter 2 Turbo! I'll show the true fighting skills of Beach City!"

The crowd cheered as Peridot and Borubito took their places. Peridot had pretty much won the crowd to her side by apparently wanting to defend Beach City's honor. Borubito had gained many American fans after displaying great sportsmanship by giving Peridot one dollar. No matter who would win, everyone knew that they would be seeing a match full of skill and dedication.

 **The Beach City P** i **s** s

A wild celebrity appears!

Have we got juicy gossip for you, dear readers! So juicy that you can absorb the vitamins just by reading it!

Shia LaBeouf, the golden boy of the _Transformers_ , also known for his role in the box office flop, _Indiana Jones and the Crystal Gems_ , has been spotted in Beach City! It is rumored that he will be the main attraction of the Beach City 200 years parade, possibly pulling off a Lady Gaga fashion stunt. A reliable source also reveals that he has managed to smuggle an art installation _inside_ the Beach City Museum of the Modern Arts!

We welcome Shia LaBeouf with gratitude. Last week he was spotted in a Seattle nightclub, where he reportedly danced with a woman who later turned out to be his wife!

Pearl and Sheena made their way through the art museum, hand in hand, occasionally stopping to marvel some of the more provocative pieces of art. As they exchanged opinions on a painting of Daisy Duck (or perhaps it was Donald) posing as Mona Lisa, Sheena took the opportunity to remove an offending speck of dust from where Pearl's collarbone would be. As they navigated their way through the museum,they "accidentally" bumped into each other every now and then. Neither of them minded.

Eventually they came to the spot where the wonderful art installation was supposed to be. A door, decorated with black and with photographs taken at various cities all around the world, presumably lead to the hyped art experience. Oddly enough, the door had a lock mechanism, complete with a vacant/occupied display. It currently read 'vacant' in green letters.

"This is the thing my friend told me about," Sheena told Pearl.

"A door?" Pearl asked.

"No, we are supposed to go in. See what that plague says?"

"Three's a company - a philosophical study by Shia LaBeouf," Pearl read aloud. "Visitors are encouraged to enter the room in pairs; only two at a time, close door after you enter and so on... 'Three's a company?' Hm, I know someone who would disagree and go with the actual proverb instead."

"Uh huh. Shall we go in?" Sheena urged. There was a knowing grin on her face.

"Do you know what's in there? I'm not a huge fan of surprises."

Sheena had an idea. She whispered in Pearl's ear, telling her everything she knew about the 'unique art experience'.

"The museum has made a great job avoiding leaking any information about this piece, but like I said, I got spoiled by a friend who lives in Sandstone Town. So, follow my lead and play along," Sheena said.

Pearl couldn't help but giggle at Sheena's plan. "So, we are the ones who..."

"Shhh! Don't spoil it for those who might be listening!"

"Oh! Sorry! Well, after you!"

The small room was dimly lit, and on the opposing side of the entrance there was another door marked with an exit sign.

A pedestal had been placed in the middle of the room. On the pedestal, a skillfully crafted wax statue was standing, proud and erect. The statue was a fusion between Julius Caesar and the artist, Shia LaBeouf himself, complete with a toga and a laurel wreath. In his left hand he was holding a sausage in a somewhat anachronistic fashion.

"Well, well, what have we here?" Sheena voiced out, as the door behind her and Pearl closed. The lock mechanism clicked, presumably switching the display on the other side to 'occupied'.

"Is this the Statue of Liberty?" Pearl asked. "I didn't know _he_ looked so handsome!"

"You can say that again," Sheena said. "I swear, when I find the guy after who this is modeled, I'm going to marry him."

"Me too! But you know what we should do?" Pearl asked. "Let's just take this statue with us!"

"Great idea," Sheena agreed. "Gimme a hand here."

They lifted the statue off the pedestal. Sheena winked at Pearl, who returned the wink. "Surprise!" Pearl cried, and started tickling the 'statue', and so did Sheena.

"Oh, nooo! HA HA HA HA HA!" Shia LaBeouf cried out; the statue hadn't been a statue at all. "Mercy! Mercy! I surrender, ladies!"

"Do we accept his surrender?" Pearl asked.

"Maybe," Sheena said. "Mr. LaBeouf, is it? I bet you didn't expect to be kidnapped like this."

"I am undone!" Shia admitted. "I've been found out... Say, how did you know it was me?"

"To be honest, a friend told me," Sheena admitted. "But if I didn't know it was you, I would have mistaken you for a real statue. Really. A very, very handsome statue! Were you going to surprise us at some point?"

"Eventually, yes," Shia said. "Usually I wait until the visitors start a discussion, and soon after that I deliver a witty comment to surprise them and join the discussion. I've had many great conversations on just about every subject, including the meaning of art."

"Why the Caesar costume? Are you an emperor or something?"

"Well, yes and no - your interpretation is as good as anyone else's. I actually change my costume every hour or so. But the costume itself is not the point here, I can tell you that much."

"I don't suppose you'll elaborate?" Pearl asked.

"It's the viewers who ultimately give meaning to art..." said Shia mysteriously.

"Ohhh, I see it now!" Pearl said, excited at the chance to shine in Shia's... and Sheena's eyes. "You pretend to be a statue while observing people who enter, listening to _them_ trying to give a meaning to you. So... That would make you the art piece _and_ the viewer at the same time!"

"Hmmm-mmm, mmmmmaybe," Shia said. "When we look at the man and the woman in the 'American Gothic', for example, who's to say they're not looking at us at the same time?"

"That is really profound! But what's the significance of the title, 'Three's a company'?" Pearl asked.

"Along with the suggestion that only two people should enter this room at a time, it's supposed to be a hint that I'm the real thing," Shia explained.

"I can think of another meaning to that," Sheena teased. Shia suddenly felt his cheeks redden.

"I should point out that there are cameras everywhere!" Shia said quickly. Turning his voice to a whisper, he continued: "It's just too bad, isn't it?"

"I'm sure Sheena here meant that you, Mr. LaBeouf, are actually three things at the same time: the art piece, the viewer and the artist, too," Pearl continued her analysis, hoping that Sheena would marvel at her intellect. It turned out that she was right.

"Wow, Pearl, I like being in the company of someone as smart as you. I hope some of your wisdom _rubs_ on me, too!" Sheena praised her date. "Well, it's been nice to meet you, Mr. LaBeouf. We better let the next _couple_ in."

Pearl felt what could be described as her heart skipping a beat upon hearing the word 'couple.'

"I bid you lovely ladies farewell, then," Shia said, bowing and extending his hand, first to Pearl, as she was standing closer to him. Pearl extended her hand... and Shia placed a kiss on the back of her hand.

"Well, thank you!" Pearl said. "I'm glad to see that Mr. Donald Trump didn't invent this human custom after all."

"Donald Trump, inventing...? Ha, ha, that's rich! Oh, Pearl, you are really something," Sheena laughed. "Trump is hardly the gentleman type if you ask me!"

Shia LaBeouf wasn't amused. "Trump? What do you mean?" he asked, no longer smiling.

"Oh, he took me by surprise the other day. He kissed me on the same spot as you just did, much to Amethyst's amusement - she's a friend of mine. Peridot - another friend (sort of) - is running for vice president at his side, and..."

Shia was becoming increasingly worried. "You're joking, right? No... Something in your voice... oh, no, no, no, no... Please tell me that you washed your hand afterwards!"

An indirect kiss with the real tyrant candidate - Donald J. Trump! Shia LaBeouf could never have believed that something like that could happen to him, but there he was, and to make matters worse, that strange looking lady behaved as if it was no big deal... _Oh please, please, let her have washed her hands!_

"I didn't," said Pearl, confirming the worst fears of the poor guy. "But after a truck buried me under Facebook data, I got poofed, so I lost my physical form. My friend Garnet revived me using soap, though, and I reformed normally. Therefore, my hand should be technically clean, because it's not necessarily the same hand... I mean, in layman's terms, the particle cocktail could very well be rearranged so that..."

Sheena thought that Pearl's story was becoming better all the time and that she was still playing Shia for a fool. She tried to hold back her laughter without much success.

"Mr. LaBeouf? What's wrong? Do you need fresh air?" Pearl asked, noticing that she and Shia now shared the same skin color.

"I... need to get out of here... Pepsi! Need to get a can of Pepsi... must wash it away..." the actor stammered. Apparently he hadn't read enough about gems, so he didn't know that gems were in fact holograms with mass, so if there had been any Trump germs on Pearl's hand, they were long gone by now.

"Wait! Please - you must give an autograph, first! I need you to address it to Amethyst, and..."

But it was too late. Shia LaBeouf stormed out of the room.

"I don't understand. Was that part of this performance? Or was it something I said?" Pearl wondered aloud.

"Oh, Pearly, my dear, it was definitely something you said!" Sheena laughed, wiping tears from her eyes. "I hear he's not exactly a Trump supporter. Come on, let's go before the security comes and starts interrogating us." She took Pearl by hand and led her out of the wonderful art experience and out of the museum.

-o-

Steven took a quick look at this iPad. He wanted to see if he could fish some nuggets of wisdom from the tournament stream chat. There was none to be had, for this is what the stream monsters had to say about the upcoming match:

"Borubito is already tired!"

"Nah he's got the endurance"

"Anyone know who the green girl is maining?"

"Guile XD"

"she's cute, I wana marry her 3"

"yeah, I wanna marry Guile too"

"she should fight against Milo Yiannopoulos instead"

"milo is a rage quuiter"

"nope. Milo is a spammer. it's a legit tactic tho"

"not online, hard to dodge the pie cannon shots cause of lag"

"Well then they have to fight offline"

"who's paying for his flight tickets?"

"Trump will, if and when he becomes the president."

"yeah he can demolish the healthcare for all I care and buy Milo some tickets instead, gg"

\- CHAT PAUSED -

"All right, the money is on the table!" the SBCF2T commentators commented. "The tournament winner, Borubito from Japan versus... uh, what's your name? Hey, someone give her a mic!"

Peridot grabbed the mike and introduced herself. "I am Peridot - t _he_ Peridot of the Seven Golden Letters! I'm here to represent Beach City, and I will give autographs after my victory!"

Peridot took her place opposite of Borubito, facing her own screen. As she hadn't brought a controller of her own, she used the Fishy Demon Custom Tournament Steel Edition MXY47B-2 Arcade Stick™ (799$) that was provided by the biggest sponsor, Fishy Demon Arcade Sticks.

The judge explained the money match rules to everyone: "All right, standard rules, except that the first player to win 5 matches will be declared the winner. Coaching is allowed, with a maximum of 2 guys."

Coaches! Of course - Peridot was confident in her skill, but having a coach or two in her corner could help in the event she needed support.

"In that case, I call Steven Universe and Amethyst as my coaches. Steven! Amethyst! Get over here! Lapis, hold the fort, I'll buy you something nice with the prize money!" Peridot shouted.

"Way to go, Peridot!" Amethyst exclaimed as she leaped on the stage.

"Don't praise me yet. Let me win this first," Peridot said. "Hey, Mr. judge guy? I request a button check!"

The judge nodded.

"Are you sure this is a good idea? 500 dollars is a lot of money," Steven pointed out.

"Yes, I'm sure. It's all coming back to me, now," Peridot said as she began selecting her character for the button check. "I'm going to pick **Black Pearl**. Just like our Pearl, she's fast but not exceptionally strong. She was the favorite character of me and Felix. We spent a good chunk of time balancing her move set."

"Whoa, whoa, hold on a sec," Steven said. "What do you mean by balancing her move set? And who's Felix?"

Peridot sighed, but couldn't help a grin slowly appearing on her face. "Felix the cat. No, Felix Kjellberg, of course! He has a YouTube persona by the name of PewDiePie. We worked on this game together. He was the lead designer, and I did most of the programming."

"You're kidding, right?"

"No. There are many talented humans that offered their skills in developing this game. For example, Mike Tyson voiced the announcer, Barbara Streisand made us coffee, Jet Li made us tea, and..."

Steven couldn't tell if Peridot was serious or not.

Amethyst was impressed by the name drops, and her eyes turned into stars. "Whoaaa... So, you worked with all those people on this game and nobody here knows it?"

"It seems that way. Nobody ever reads the credits. Hmph! Their loss, my victory! Nyahahahaha!"

"PewDiePie, eh? That would explain that swastika on Black Pearl's chest..." Steven observed.

"Swas-ticka? Oh, you mean the _manji (_ 卍 _)_ _._ It's an ancient Mongolian armed forces symbol. It brings good luck," Peridot explained. "Not that I need luck to win this match."

Peridot pressed each of the attack buttons and their combinations. The Black Pearl obeyed and made punches and kicks without any problems. Borubito decided to test his buttons, too, using his main character. He chose...

 **EMERALD** ゴゴゴゴ **...!**

 _Emerald! A strange grappler/speed oriented character! 100% gem, 120% loyal to Homeworld! Very deadly!_

After the button check, the two gladiators went back to the character select screen, and after selecting their characters once more, the game started.

 **Round 1,** **FIGHT!**

 **(** **: Lotus Juice - "Burning Colosseum")**

The first hit of the first round was scored by Borubito... but only because Peridot was yawning. She made halfhearted attempts to hit Borubito, until her life bar was halved.

 _Now the enhanchers come on_ , Peridot thought. She started actually fighting, and managed to make the winning blow with only a few pixels of life left.

"Comeback city!" the commentators yelled.

Borubito ended up winning the second round, however, as Peridot wasted two of her super bars to input errors. However, she made some adjustments, and took the third round rather easily.

As the match progressed, Lapis cheered her barn mate every now and then. Well, sort of.

"Hey! Mind if I sit here?"

Lapis turned to see that Sadie Miller, the Donut lady, had already sat next to her.

"I don't mind."

"Thanks! You must be one of Steven's friends... Lapis Lazuli, right?"

"Yes."

"Heh, you sure are talkative. I'm Sadie, Sadie Miller. Do you know if a guy called Barrage has played yet? His real name is Lars Barriga. I've looked everywhere but I can't seem to find him!"

Lars... the name rang a bell.

"What does he look like?" Lapis asked.

"Funny hair... pierced earlobes... Those are hard to miss, actually. Let me show you a photo... here." Sadie displayed a photo of her crush (yep, that was the case) on her cell phone.

Lapis looked closely. "I haven't seen him here."

"Strange... He told me he'd go play some Beach City Fighter today. I thought I'd surprise him after he won the whole thing - I'm sure he would have won. So typical of him, not even texting me. I hope he isn't suffering from his mood swings. Oh, Lars..."

 _She is worried about her,_ Lapis deduced. _I think I can present her a theory that puts her mind at rest._

"He may be spending time with his boyfriend now. Making out, probably. Perhaps they are someplace where there are a little less people around."

"Ha, ha, ha! Boyfriend? He doesn't have a boyfriend... Wait, does he? What are you talking about?" Surely the blue gem had been joking, but doubts began to creep in Sadie's mind.

"His name is Kevin. But I could be mistaken: instead of a boyfriend, he could be a lover or a husband - is that how you humans call them? I didn't see any rings, though."

"How can you...? Where did you..." Sadie rasped.

"I saw a cell phone video and photographs that Peridot had taken. Lars and Kevin looked really happy together."

Sadie's heart didn't exactly break. Instead, she tried to digest this new information and make it fit into everything she knew about Lars. She had once (well, twice) caught Lars watching certain videos that displayed the natural beauty of the _female_ form... but what if there had been fluoride in his drinking water? What if he just wanted to experiment? Had he been hypnotized? Brainwashed? Coerced? Blackmailed? Drugged? Was he trying to rebel against something or someone? Had he spent too much time in an Apple store? Or maybe it was those Physique Pictorial magazines or the art school brochures? _And who the hell was Kevin?_

"They looked healthy, too," Lapis added in an attempt to calm Sadie.

Sadie couldn't process any input from her aural sensors.

"I see you're being very talkative, too," Lapis said.

The confused Donut Lady merely stared through the huge view screen in silence.

 _I wonder if I should communicate with humans in a different way,_ Lapis thought. _I should have kept watching Camp Pining Hearts after all. Oh no! What if she decides to assassinate Kevin?! I'd better change the subject and quickly!_ "Let's watch the money match, then." Unlike Sadie, Lapis wasn't a huge fan of fighting games, but she was glad to see that at least Peridot was having tons of fun. Maybe seeing the energetic Peridot and the show she was putting on would distract poor Sadie from thinking about Lars _and_ Kevin? But there was no response from her, nor did she seem to acknowledge her surroundings anymore.

The last round of the last game of the money match was at hand. One of the commentators sipped his Pepsi and commentated: "All right, dear rabble and stream monsters at home, this is it! We've come to the last round of the last game. The score is indeed 9-9, a lucky number for both players! But only one walks away with frigging one thousand dollars!"

"You've got that right! If either of these players have tech that they haven't used yet, now is the time to do it!"

 **Round 3, FIGHT!**

Borubito and Peridot exchanged hits and small combos. She had forced Borubito in a corner, but the Japanese guy knew how not only how to escape, but also how to fight with his back against the wall.

Having filled her super bar, Peridot managed to land a light punch. If she could make it into a full combo, she would be only one or two hits away from winning. Peridot added another light punch and then used meter burn to summon her melee weapons mid-combo. The Black Pearl reached into her gem and pulled out two razor sharp sickles, allowing her to extend the combo further than she normally could have done.

And then came what seemed to be a huge mistake: Peridot dropped the combo and performed a level 1 super move, which missed. It would be easy for Borubito to punish. But Peridot knew exactly what she was doing: the close proximity to the corner and faulty hurtboxes and width values of the characters made Borubito's punishing attack miss. Now, Peridot's Black Pearl landed in the corner, with Borubito's Emerald still in the recovery phase of her move.

Because Peridot had dropped her combo, the damage scaling that might have helped Borubito was gone, too. And she still had three quarters of super bar left...

"You were good. You fought well, human."

This time, Peridot used her remaining meter wisely, performing a combo that started with an EX move and ended with a super move that completely drained the remaining super bar.

 _ **"RISETTO NO TENGOKU TOSHIIII~!**_ _"_

The combo didn't drop! The super move connected, and...

 **LVL1 SUPA ACTION MAN!**

 **15 HIT COMBO!**

 **K.O.!**

Emerald hit the ground with a mighty WHAM! The K.O. text didn't lie: Emerald's life bar was at zero!

 **BLACK PEARL WINS!**

 **"** DID YOU SEE THAT?! WHO DOES THAT! WHO DOES THAT!" **"** PERIDOT DOES! RESET CITY! RESET CITY IN THE CORNER!" "AMERICAN RESET?" "BEACH CITY RESET! BEACH CITY REEEESEEEEEEET!"

As the crowd began chanting Peridot's name, Borubito got up and bowed to her. Curiously, a hidden message flashed briefly on the game screen. It said: " _Las gaviotas no son lo que parecen._ "

The commentators spoke from their hearts:

"Oh, look at Borubito. Such a great sportsman." "Yeah. That's some real sportsmanship there. All right, there's Valle, ready to stick a mike into Peridot's face, so we should get some post match comments from them. Take it away!"

Peridot mimicked Borubito and returned the bow. Alex Valle, a veteran fighting game player and scene guy, handed a microphone to Peridot, who grabbed it and begun her victory speech, foreshadowing things to come.

"Ahem. Thank you! Thank you, everyone, especially my coaches Steven and Amethyst, my honorable opponent Borubito, the organizers and Lapis, my barn mate... hey Lapis! Sweet cheeks! Look, honey, I won!"

The crowd gave an approving chuckle as Lapis shyly waved at Peridot. She hadn't gotten used to anything resembling a public display of affection.

"Um, anyway, this match wasn't free. It wasn't free at all. It could have gone either way. And for you players out there, I do realize that unlike Borubito, my tournament endurance hasn't been put to the test today. Besides, we gems rarely get tired, so there's that, too. But of course it feels great to win!

I'd like to suggest that both of us donate 250 dollars to a charity of our choosing, and keep the rest for ourselves, so neither of us goes completely broke. What do you say?"

Peridot handed the microphone to the Japanese samurai.

"I say that it's an excellent idea," Borubito spoke. "I donate the 250 American dollars to a charity for great justice. I like cats. _Neko wa kawaiidesu -_ you know what that means? Ha, ha! Good! I give money to the home of cats. There is a cat home in Beach City?"

Valle leaned in and spoke to the microphone: "There is at least one animal shelter in every civilized American city. Uh, that didn't sound right, but yeah, Beach City has an animal shelter."

"Happy day. Great joy!" said Borubito. "And Peridot, there was great insight in your speech. I take to home Japan all the good memories!" He handed the microphone back to Valle.

"Wow! Where did all the salt go all of a sudden? Not that it's a bad thing," Valle joked.

"I can answer that," Borubito said, raising his hand. "The taste of salt goes away when you swallow enough. Sometimes, that is what you must do."

"Well said," Peridot agreed. "It cannot be sugar all the time - even for me. I don't need future vision to say this. GG!"

"Wow, what a great way to wrap this up! You're both awesome," Valle praised the fighters. "All right, folks, let's hear it for Peridot and Borubito!"

Amethyst and Steven hugged Peridot and ruffled her hair. "OK, _now_ we get to say: way to go, Peridot! You showed them!" the quartz warrior said.

"Now you're going to have to teach us some of your tech!" Steven begged, half jokingly.

Peridot beamed with pride. "Maybe I will. I guess the White House has a powerful wifi connection. But now, I'll just give some autographs, maybe pose for selfies, too. Then we'll regroup with Lapis and continue our adventure - it's her turn to decide our next course of action. Hmmm... Good thing there's enough camera footage of me now... everything is going according to my plan."

Thousands of years earlier at the Roman Colosseum, the crowd had cheered when two gladiators had been awarded a wooden sword as a symbol of their freedom. They had both fought well. They had won countless battles, but most importantly, they had won the crowd.

The very same sentiments echoed in the cheers that now were now aimed the man from Japan and the gem from _Beach City_.

-o-

 **The Beach City P** _e_ **st**

The Smoking Pen

Results for the "20,000 Words from Beach City" contest are in!

The Beach City Post received a total of 47 writings, ranging from essays, plays, short film scripts, rap lyrics, scientific articles and a few impressive attempts at (gonzo) journalism.

The judges' panel, consisting of the honorable Vidalia Pike, Todd Howard, Sharon Osbourne and sir William Shatner, has selected three best entries which will be published in this very newspaper during the next three days. Each winner will also receive a stipend of 200 dollars (minus taxes).

3rd place:

 **Cleaning up: The fallacies of post-modernist identity politics, gender theory and more** , written by Dr. Daniel Roberts

In this hair rising scientific essay/pamphlet fusion, Dr. Roberts, a Canadian born Beach City resident, criticizes the extremist liberal cult mentality from several angles.

Sneak peek:

"When the extraterrestrial race of gems is included, the number of sexes increases to a total of four: male, female, hermaphrodite and sexless. Numbers such as 58 which are flaunted by shady enterprises such as FaceBook are completely removed from reality.

...

Identity politics serve to place victimhood (real or fabricated) on a pedestal. Ironically, those that subscribe to this ideology end up as what they claim to hate the most: they will essentially become a new brand of racists, deceivers and oppressors themselves. Victims have become the new victimizers, all in the name of social justice."

Not only does Dr. Roberts manage to trigger delusional liberals, but he also sticks bananas (arguable much smaller ones) in the tailpipes of conservative extremists by arguing e.g. that gems, despite curiously having a feminine gender expression (at least by human standards), are functionally sexless, not female, and also by suggesting that gems should receive tax cuts as they are much more ecological life forms than mammals such as _Bos taurus_ and _Homo sapiens._

Our judges' panel commends Dr. Roberts for his provocative yet often entertaining viewpoints.

2nd place:

 **Pearls before swine** : **A theatrical play** , written by Billy Weed

At a first glance, _Pearls before swine_ is a shameless Shakespeare rip off, and the reader cannot help imagining their favorite actors (with their mannerisms) practicing familiar plays such as _The Midsummer's Night Dream_. However, _Pearls_ rises above every _contemporary_ play thanks to the many details in the story, wonderful dialogue and raw emotion, easily earning the second place in the competition.

Sneak peek:

"

 **ACT I. SCENE IV. Beach City. The BEACH.**

 _Enter SIR WILLIAM and LADY PERLE_

 **SIR WILLIAM**

Ah, thou art truly a Pearl among pearls! But you did not spring forth from any oyster, unless Neptune himself planted oysters in the starry night sky! The bars are your temples, but you are not free.

 **PERLE**

I am truly a stranger in a paradise. Speak no more and take my hand!

...

 _Exit SIR WILLIAM and LADY PERLE_

"

We expect the upcoming stage production of _Pearls_ to be a huge international success story that further cements Beach City as the #mecca of theatre!

1st place:

 **Fan fiction: What it is and how it's done** , written by xFalconLisa1337x

xFalconLisa1337x, a self confessed fan fiction author and web community moderator, bravely examines several aspects of the ancient and sometimes (mis)understood art form of fan fiction. She tackles several topics including wish fulfillment, escapism, shipping, narcissism, fan fiction communities, genuine artistic impulses and several other tacky themes.

Sneak peek:

"Fan fiction works best when it sheds the shackles of all political agendas and social commentary, giving readers a brief respite from the real world, internet outrages, first world problems and the 24 hour news cycle.

...

Instead of being a cheap way to seek validation, fan fiction is an art form that is fueled by love for the source material."

We wholeheartedly agree, especially with the second part!

 **The Beach City Post** would like to congratulate the winners and thank everyone who participated in the contest! The prizes will be delivered by Hermes Deliveries, our contest sponsor.

"I think we lost them," Sheena said, catching her breath as she led Pearl through the crowds. They were all heading to the same direction: the main street where the parade would take place.

"Lost who?" Pearl asked, confused.

"The museum security! We ruined their main attraction. Or rather, _you_ did."

"I did not!" Pearl protested. "How was I supposed to know that...?" She was cut short as she noticed Sheena giggling. "Ugh! Sometimes I just don't understand the delicate workings of this planet."

"That's okay," Sheena assured. "Hey, look, there's a good sidewalk cafe. Let's sit down for a while. I could use a Pepsi."

They found a free table with two chairs and sat down. Soon, they had ordered two Pepsi bottles that glistened with moist.

Sheena grabbed a copy of the Beach City Post from the neighbor table. Pearl watched Sheena curiously as she skimmed through the magazine.

"Oh, look, here's an article about Shia's art performance. Looks like the critics adore him!"

"I can see why," Pearl said, and tried to drink Pepsi while looking cool. "Mazel tov!" Unfortunately, she wasn't used to drinking with a straw, and the carbonated acid of the drink caught her by surprise.

"COUGH! Ugh...! Cough. Look at me, I'm so thirsty I've forgotten how to do this," Pearl said, trying to explain herself.

"Are you OK? Here, take this napkin. Would you have preferred Coke?" Sheena asked.

"Well, actually..."

Suddenly, someone that Pearl absolutely did not want to meet that day (or any day) pushed his way through the crowd. "Miss Pearl, hello! Hello!"

Of course it had to be Mayor Dewey. _I swear, if he doesn't buzz off..._

"I don't want your hellos! Can't you see we're having a conversation?!" Pearl protested.

The man just couldn't take a hint. "I'm sorry, but I just thought..."

There is a limit to everything. The line must be drawn somewhere. You can only fit so many clowns in one car. Simply put, enough is _enough._ Instead of explaining that she didn't exactly fancy Mayor Dewey, Pearl decided to hit him _above_ the belt.

"Did you really? Did you really stop and _think_ about things for just second? Let me give you a piece of my mind: you're absolutely the worst mayor that Beach City has ever had! How can you sleep at night after your latest stunt? You spent $200,000 of taxpayers' money on redesigning the official logo of Beach City! Two hundred THOUSAND dollars, for Stars' sake! I'm sure that the people at the advertising agency laughed all the way to the bank.

How about renovating the homeless shelters? How about buying new equipment to the law enforcement? Maybe give more resources for child services and retirement homes? Oh, nooo... You just had to get a new logo to celebrate 200 years of the Dewey dynasty! Now, instead of the dignified, heraldic and historic logo that we used to have, we have an awful mishmash of colors and shapes that don't even fit together! That is what we get when an IDIOT gives money to another IDIOT. I have more respect for the piano player at the brothel than I have for you!

Mayor Dewey, after you're retired or impeached, whichever comes first, I will personally see that the old logo is restored. And after you pass away, I will see that you are cremated and your ashes sprinkled into a landfill. I doubt your ancestors will want your bones lying next to them!

Now GET OUT OF MY FACE, AND STAY OUT!"

Dewey suddenly felt like there was a gull inside his stomach. Staggering away from the cafe, he eventually regained his balance and started to run, leaving a trail of sweat droplets in the air - or perhaps they were tears. He would spend the rest of the day drinking in the City Hall's janitorial closet, as he couldn't bring himself to sit in the mayor's chair.

Pearl's rant hadn't actually made her feel much better about herself, but she had managed to squash a particularly nasty piece of vermin that had bothered her for too long, presumably once and for all.

"Well, that's one way to get rid of a stalker," Sheena said. While she didn't have a bone to pick with Dewey herself, she sympathized with her beautiful date. "Oh, and let God be my witness as I say this: I will never, ever get on your bad side!"

"I... I'm sorry you had to hear me going off like that."

"Hey, I understand," Sheena assured. "I've dealt with people like that myself. Let's forget about that creep and talk about something else!"

"Let's. Thank you."

"Well then... You have a great sense of humor, telling tall tales with a straight face," Sheena said. "I mean, you sure tested Mr. LaBeouf's humor earlier! All that talk about 'reforming' and Donald Trump... and the way you talk, it's just... I can imagine you being some kind of doctor Spock who has just found his feelings after getting stranded here. No offense!"

"None taken," Pearl replied. "But I haven't deceived you, Shia LaBeouf or anyone recently."

"Prove it," Sheena challenged her, and took a sip of nice, cool Pepsi with her straw.

"I might be able to get you an audience with Mr. Trump, but I'd rather not. Maybe I can show you, um, what _I_ am really made of sometime later at the Temple. I can't shape shift without withdrawing into my gem, and summoning my spear right here on the street isn't really that romantic."

"Uh huh," Sheena said. Of course she thought that Pearl had just invited her over for some funky business - sex, most likely. "No hurry. You can show me your spear later. But I was wondering..."

"Yes?"

"It kind of bothers that everyone gets to kiss your hand. Everyone but me. So..."

Pearl tried to form a coherent thought and succeeded. _Oh stars - she wants me to DO something - I have to do something now - do it - just do it - just do it now!_

She quickly offered her hand to Sheena. _Is this appropriate? Did I get it right?_

Sheena smiled, and after gently taking hold of Pearl's hand planted a gentle kiss on the middle of its back.

"There. If there was a jinx on your hand, it's gone," Sheena said, still holding Pearl's hand.

A stray mariachi guitarist started playing his instrument nearby.

"I think there's a new one on it now." _Keep going,_ Pearl's inner voice called out to her. "There's another, um... Forgive my boldness, but... I might have another... well, that is to say..."

"It's OK. I think I get it," Sheena cut her off. She reached out to stroke Pearl's cheek. Then, leaning closer, she pulled Pearl gently closer. Maneuvering skillfully around the dagger that was Pearl's beautiful nose, she brought her lips closer to Pearl's and...

≤ **==To Be Continued==|\|/**

-o-

Author's notes: Well, that was a fun chapter to write, perhaps one requiring the most amount of work so far. The end result is like a hamburger with way too many different toppings.

 **It may be slightly unhealthy.** But that's okay!


	23. China girl

**Chapter 23:** China girl

Happy Ronald Reagan day, everyone!

-o-

In Cairo, Garnet approached the Giza pyramids. Then... Actually, something more interesting was happening meanwhile in Beach City:

The moment Pearl and Sheena's lips met, Pearl momentarily forgot about the world around her.

o _h stars she likes me I didn't blow it this feels so good_

As Sheena eventually pulled away, Pearl opened her eyes. Her head was still spinning, and as she came to her senses, she realized that Sheena was saying something...

"Whu... What?" Pearl stammered.

"I said: Your phone - Is it ringing?"

There was indeed a faint ringing sound coming from somewhere. Recognizing the familiar ring tone (Kiss from a Rose by Seal), Pearl reached inside her gem, pulling out her cell phone.

 _That was weird_ , Sheena thought. Maybe it was some kind of trick meant to impress her?

Without looking at the screen (and her vision was too fuzzy to see who the caller was), Pearl answered her phone. "I do not wish to order... Oh, it's you, Amy! ... Yes... EEEK!"

Pearl felt something brush against herself under the table. Sheena had removed a shoe and was now tickling Pearl's left inner thigh with her toes. Judging from Sheena's expression, she knew exactly what she wanted. Right now, she wanted to tease Pearl. Who knew what she would want later...

"No, I'm fine," Pearl spoke, trying to keep her composure despite Sheena's administrations. "Yes... I'm with Sheena at this cafe... ... Really? ... Well, you shouldn't call Peridot a nerd just because... Yes, I understand. OH! ... Charity? ... Well, I'm glad that she tries to make a difference! ... Bodyguard? ... That's so sweet of you! ... I don't know, it depends... All right, take care. Bye!"

 _I should have brought a hand bag_ , Pearl thought as she placed her cell phone on the table. "Sorry about that. That was Amethyst - it was she who..." _It was she who helped me to actually talk to you on the phone._ _Without her, I would have lost the chance to be with you._

Sheena looked at Pearl curiously.

"Um, well, she's been a real help lately," Pearl continued. "I just heard that she landed herself a job as a bodyguard."

Anticipating another fantastic story, Sheena grinned. "Really? That sounds important."

"It is! You see, she's the bodyguard of our next vice president, Peridot. As crazy as it sounds, Peridot will be running with Donald Trump."

 _That story about vice president Perry-something and_ The _Trump again? Is she joking?_ Sheena wondered. _Probably... But could the rumors be true?_

"Garnet's future vision is usually right," Pearl explained. "Oh, you don't know Garnet - she's another friend of mine. I mentioned them earlier, didn't I? Do I talk too much? I tend to do that when I'm nervous!"

"No need to be nervous. I like you. A lot," Sheena said.

"I like you too!" Pearl replied.

"Good. Nice trick, by the way. It really looked you pulled your phone right out of your forehead!"

"Thank you. But your trick was better," Pearl said, full flirt mode activated. The kiss she had shared with Sheena had boosted her confidence level to 120%.

"My trick? Oh, that trick. Do you want an encore, then?" Sheena asked, caressing Pearl's cheek again.

"I do..."

-o-

Meanwhile, in the cyberspace, after several attempts and disheartening error messages, an article containing some fresh current year consumer journalism was posted on a certain website:

 **The SafeSpacer:** Your #1 Online Source for Video Game News, Reviews, Blogs, Analysis & Discussion.

(F)(t) FOLLOW US ON FACEBOOK & TWITTER. FOLLOW US IDEOLOGICALLY, PERIOD.

Video game reviews: Super Beach City Fighter 2 Turbo

Developed by PajCom

Available for: DumbPad, SmartPad, XLaxBox 1, PC

Reviewed by Tinchén van der Fokker

 **All trigger warnings apply!**

I will be honest with you: Super Beach City Fighter 2 Turbo (SBCF2T for short), is a problematic game, full of troublesome content. It is a traditional violent martial arts fest, hiding dozens of toxic design choices (insufficiently diverse character roster being just one of them) under a hood of kung fu clichés.

My initial observation is that SBCF2T follows the standard conventions of the fighting game genre. In the arcade mode, players select a character and face off against computer controlled opponents in kung fu battle until the final boss appears. After the final match is won, players are rewarded with the ending cut scenes. The two player mode is also exactly what one would expect and offers no surprises. Other game modes include team tag battle and a customizable training mode.

As I started the game for the first time, I immediately encountered problems: the default skill level, medium, is too hard for players with little or no previous experience with fighting games. I became a victim of skill shaming. Video games belong to everybody. Instead of challenging the player, video games should let everyone be the hero they deserve to be.

I must point out the following regarding heroism: I have never believed that there is anything heroic, just or beautiful in the glorification of violence between gems or other sentient beings. It comes off as no surprise that the refusal to beat the opponent results in either defeat or a time over (which is a corner case, though). Too many time overs result in a game over, so nonviolence is never a real option. Why can't video games have pacifism or diplomacy as the preferred method to solve conflicts?

SBCF2T gave me post traumatic stress disorder, insomnia, anxiety and it hurt me on the deepest level - the emotional level. I can only recommend that this game is pulled off the shelves and removed from online stores.

I have some troubling news: PajCom has already announced a sequel that goes by the name of SBCF2T: Fusion Edition. According to PajCom, the Fusion Edition allows players to use gem fusion powers in the tag team battle mode. While the concept of fusion is not in itself problematic, it contains a massive problem in the fighting game context: players can pair a Homeworld gem with a Rebellion gem and force them to fuse together at the tap of a button without any regard to their feelings towards each other. If this isn't abuse of power, then my name isn't Fokker. Isn't it time video game characters were given rights?

Even though I cannot deny that PajCom, an uncharacteristically small studio has been financially successful in the past, it is clear that their products will continue to promote violence instead of love and friendship.

According to many studies I've come across and sometimes co-authored, people adapt their set of moral values from entertainment media such as video games and mimic the behavior presented by them. Therefore, if games like SBCF2T are allowed to thrive, the entire world will end.

I wish I could end this review on a positive note, but every silver lining has a cloud. Technically, the game works, but so do guns. PajCom does not own the gaming world any patches, support or free DLC. They owe me and everyone an apology, especially to me. And then they should fire themselves.

Score: 4 out of 10.

 _Tinch_ é _n van der Fokker is a doctor of sociology and post cultural dialectic theory and a veteran game journalist._

-o-

After the warp pad trip, Garnet had waited for half an hour before hiking to the famous Giza pyramids. A flock of lost seagulls had swarmed her as the warp pad had flashed, so Garnet had activated the pad for the seagulls to pass through into a much more hospitable environment. Seagulls like seas, after all.

As Garnet approached the pyramid, she heard a voice say: "Password, please."

Just as expected, a lone camel emerged from behind the pyramid and stared at Garnet.

" _Wedjat_. Show yourself, Omar, or do I have to get a permit from your camel?"

Omar, the famous motorcycle race champion, former fighter pilot and the guardian of the Giza pyramids stepped into full view.

"Ah, Garnet, the twin jewel of the Nile. What brings you here? Have the end times begun?"

"I hope not," Garnet replied. "I need to enter the pyramid and leave a message to someone."

"And who might that someone be?" Omar asked. His voice carried the hint of authority but also politeness.

"A visitor - several visitors, in fact. Most of them are not friendly in nature. Trust me as I say that I may be able to prevent the damage they would cause if I am allowed to enter the pyramid."

"Ah, your future vision must have told you something. Very well, you may enter. But tell me, will you stay for the party? You know, we are celebrating the 5000 years of civilization in the Cairo region."

"Thank you, but I cannot stay. I must make sure that we'll have another 5000 years to celebrate for."

"Still an optimist? Don't answer - of course you are. Whatever happens, I wish you luck."

"Thank you," Garnet said as she entered the pyramid.

After making her way through the maze within the pyramid, Garnet arrived at the innermost chamber. A very special warp pad occupied the room.

Garnet attached a note written in gem language on a pillar where anyone arriving through the warp pad would see it. The note read:

":o!_&%¤%#(&%¤#¤&_(/#¤¤(%¤("#¤"&/)_%&(&¤)¤"#"!_#¤&/_o)3:)=8)"

The high verbosity of the message would serve to confuse Homeworld soldiers, but the Crystal Gems' ally would understand what to do.

And so, Garnet's mission in Cairo was complete - for now. She would have plenty of time to enjoy the Beach City festivities.

-o-

MEANWHILE ELSEWHERE...

"Pearl, stay here. I shall interrogate the prisoner myself."

"Yes, my Diamond."

Yellow Diamond touched the door panel. As the door slid open, she imagined feeling a chill - but that was impossible, she was a Diamond, after all.

The prisoner, the traitorous Rose Quartz had been captured as she had tried to... do what? As much as Yellow Diamond tried to remember, the details eluded her. But it didn't matter. With their leader captured (and eventually shattered), the rebels would not stop fighting, but they would be weakened, their spirit all but broken. Soon, Homeworld forces could finish them off one by one.

Yellow Diamond entered the holding cell area. Behind an invisible force field, Rose Quartz sat on a bunk with an arrogant expression on her face.

But she didn't look like a Quartz at all. Apparently the rebel leader had taken a human form, that of a young "boy" as the Earth creatures were called. Why did she still insist on using such a disguise? Surely she knew that she had been found out. Was it some kind of a sick joke? A gem should always look like a gem, not like an animal!

As Yellow Diamond knelt down to see her prisoner better, the Quartz smiled and spoke:

"Let me guess. You've come back to learn the secret of my breakfast recipe?"

"I know all your secrets now," Yellow Diamond replied. She wanted to make clear that she wouldn't be fooled into believing that the being she was now addressing wasn't just a 'boy called Steven.'

"Is that so."

"Why have you shape shifted into a lesser life form? Are you trying to mock Homeworld by degrading yourself this way?"

"Ah, I see you do not understand how a human-gem hybrid is created. Well, we can't have that, can we? I want no secrets between us. Anything you don't understand I'll gladly explain to you."

Yellow Diamond wrinkled her nose in disgust. "That won't be necessary. Your little rebellion will be erased from history."

"Whose history?" the traitor asked. "Earth history or Homeworld history? My plans are already in motion, and there is nothing you or anyone can do to stop them. It is Homeworld history that will be erased. Things like corruption, your finest Jaspers and your pitiful cluster bio weapon are nothing compared to what I and my 'little' rebellion have achieved. I am a living proof of that, and it's just the beginning; the beginning of the end of Homeworld and its legacy!"

"You've been corrupted!"

"Oh, no, no, Diamond... you can't dismiss me that easily. I did what had to be done. My gems understood that, and that's why they loved me. I would order them to go out and shatter Homeworld scum, and they'd do it, they'd murder them! And they'd come back covered in gem dust but they felt _clean!_ Now why did they feel that way, Diamond? Because _they were clean!_ "

"You admit your atrocities?"

"I admit everything! Why not? I was the best in what I did! My accomplishments speak for themselves! Can you say the same? Earth is still intact! Your pathetic empire couldn't even destroy one planet, let alone protect your own! If you don't believe me, go ask Pink Diamond! And Blue Diamond, too... or what's left of them!"

"Make sure you tell that to the court."

"Oh, I will!"

"And you'll be sentenced to death!"

"So what! Don't you see it doesn't change anything? Shatter me, torture me, it doesn't matter! You've already lost, Diamond! You can never undo what I've accomplished. The dead will still be dead!"

Yellow Diamond fought back the tears. She would not give this abomination the satisfaction of seeing a Diamond weep. As she walked out of the brig, the traitor called out after her:

"What are you going to do now, Diamond? Withhold my Cookie Cats?"

As Yellow Diamond stepped in the hallway, she was startled by a tap on her shoulder. There were only a few beings that were tall enough...

...

"Yellow?"

Yellow Diamond opened her eyes and found herself sitting in her command chair. How did she end up there? Where was Rose Quartz? Yellow Diamond tried to shake her confusion away as her vision spheres began to gradual adjust to her surroundings. Glancing at the screen in front of her, she could barely make out a message saying "End of recording - please rewind the DVD for the next person." What kind of nonsense was that? As the rest of the world came into focus, Yellow realized that she wasn't alone. A familiar figure stood beside her.

"Blue? Is that you?" Yellow asked.

"Who else could it be?" Blue Diamond asked. "I was worried about you when you didn't return my call, so I came to see you. Did something happen to you?"

"I... don't know," Yellow Diamond said after a moment of hesitation. "I might have experienced a short memory loss. Or..."

"You were asleep."

"I don't sleep!" Yellow Diamond snapped. "Unless my gem is damaged..."

Yellow Diamond shuddered at the thought. A mere scratch on her gem would make Blue Diamond freak out. She would insist that the Rose Quartzes would be unbubbled so they could tend to Yellow Diamond. As far as Yellow was concerned, releasing the Rose Quartzes even for a moment was simply out of the question _no matter what!_

Yellow Pearl, who was stationed at her console, stole a quick glance at the Diamonds, hoping to see that Yellow Diamond was all right.

"Your gem is fine," Blue Diamond assured. "But you are right. You don't _usually_ sleep. Do you have any idea what might have caused you to..."

Forcing herself to sound like a proper military commander once again, Yellow Diamond asked: "Have we captured Rose Quartz yet?"

"Rose Quartz? No, we have not."

It was true, then - she had been asleep. Even worse, she had been _dreaming_. There was no use in pretending that she was unmoved by her dream, at least not in front of Blue Diamond. However...

"Pearl, leave us. I wish to speak with Blue Diamond in private."

"Yes, my Diamond," Yellow Pearl said.

"Oh, and do not wander too far," Yellow Diamond quickly added. "Stay close to the guards."

Yellow Pearl looked confused. She had never 'wandered too far' unless told to do so. "I obey, my Diamond."

Blue Diamond smiled. "Oh, Yellow. You worry too much. My Pearl will look after your Pearl." She nodded to her Blue Pearl.

"Yes, my Diamond," Blue Pearl said and left with Yellow Pearl.

After the Pearls had gone, Blue spoke again: "It's good that you show concern for your Pearl. I like it when you do that."

"She would be hard to replace," Yellow Diamond stated.

"Hmm. I believe you." Not wanting to tease Yellow Diamond further, Blue decided to change the subject: "But let us talk about your little nap. Have you exhausted yourself?"

"I do not see how that could have happened," Yellow said. "I haven't had any more... Oh. I just realized something. This is... this is embarrassing."

Yellow Diamond looked at Blue Diamond straight in her eyes. "I viewed those recordings you brought from planet Earth. What a fool I have been. I have contaminated myself with this Earth filth!"

Blue Diamond knew that Yellow wasn't blaming her, but she couldn't help feeling guilty. Yellow Diamond was surely exaggerating about being contaminated, but it was clear that something had punched through her armor. "Recordings? Do you mean those fictional...?"

"Yes, _those_. They caused me not only to fall asleep, but to dream. It... It was a very unpleasant dream. I will have the discs incinerated." That was a lie - Yellow Diamond would later rewatch the entire series and keep the DVDs in a safe place.

"Would you please tell me what happened in your dream?" Blue asked.

Yellow Diamond knew that it was no use declining: Blue Diamond genuinely cared about her and wouldn't leave the matter drop, so she told her everything she remembered.

Blue Diamond listened, nodding every now and then. When she heard how Yellow Diamond's voice trembled, she took Yellow's hand in hers.

"And the worst part was that he... _she_ hinted that she had shattered or hurt you," Yellow Diamond finished. Understandably, she was visibly upset, but not as upset as Blue Diamond.

"Blue? What's wrong?"

Poor Blue stared at Yellow, eyes wide with shock.

"It was just a dream, do you understand?"

"I saw a dream, too!" Blue Diamond gasped. "A strange human appeared to me and told me that _you_ had been shattered - No, wait, he did not actually say it, but I felt it! I _felt_ that you were gone... And he said that he would 'look after you.' I don't understand what he meant by that, but you were _shattered - gone forever!_ Yellow, you must call off General Pyrite's mission!"

"What? No! Don't you understand? We can't exactly build a wall around Earth! That ball of mud must die. Then, nothing can hurt you, me or Homeworld. Be reasonable, Blue..."

Blue Diamond turned around to leave. "Reasonable? Reasonable as in 'let us destroy an entire planet out of revenge?' Fine. I will be reasonable, then. Perhaps I will summon my weapon and personally fight off the rebels when they make their way to our doorstep!"

"It will not come to that," Yellow Diamond called out after her, but the feeling of doubt wouldn't leave her alone. What was wrong with the Cluster? What were the rebels doing?

Yellow Diamond didn't notice as Yellow Pearl re-entered the room and took her place in front of her console. "Blue worries that I will be shattered," the Homeworld leader said, more to herself than anyone else.

"I won't allow it, my Diamond!" Yellow Pearl blurted out.

"What? Oh, I didn't see you come in. Disregard what I said."

"Yes, my Diamond."

There was something curious about what Yellow Pearl said, so Yellow Diamond asked: "Did you just say 'I won't allow it'? What did you mean by that?"

"My... Diamond?" Yellow Pearl said, hesitating. "I... Please excuse my words. It is not my place to..."

"Just tell me. Quickly, now. I don't have all day!"

Yellow Pearl reminded herself that her motives were pure and aligned with the interests of Homeworld. "My Diamond, I will rather let myself be shattered than allow anyone to hurt you. I will shatter the entire rebellion myself if I have to!"

"You will do no such thing!" Yellow Diamond snapped. "You were not made to fight!"

"I understand, my Diamond," Yellow Pearl said, trying to hide her embarrassment.

Yellow Diamond softened noticeably as she thought about what her servant had just said. "Pearl, your loyalty and dedication to Homeworld and your Diamond have been noted. But should you come across any rebels or other traitors, you mustn't attempt to subdue them by yourself, do you understand? You know what you must do: alert the guards and get to safety. If you can't, then... hm. Then you will simply use deception, if you can. Don't let yourself be poofed! Delay the rebels as long as possible."

"Yes, my Diamond! Thank you, my Diamond! Thank you! My Diamond, the most wonderful..."

"Yes, yes, that's quite enough. I will now retire to my chambers for a moment. Be a good Pearl and bring me those discs."

"The ones from...?"

"Yes, the ones that were brought from Earth most recently," Yellow Diamond said, getting up. "I will... study them in private, and learn the weaknesses of Homeworld's enemies." Smooth, very smooth.

Yellow Pearl collected the DVDs and hurried after her Diamond. _This is dangerous Earth propaganda!_ Yellow Pearl thought. _Deep Space 9 - Collector's set. Human language, of course, but what does that mean?_ But Pearl had her orders, so she shook these questions from her mind with ease.

Yellow Diamond, however, did not have that luxury. Despite having assured herself that she was still a real Diamond, one little detail of the dream still bothered Yellow Diamond: _What in the dirt are cookie cats?_

-o-

General Pyrite was surprised to see that Holly Blue Agate had been replaced by Skinny Jasper as the commander of the Human Zoo. According to Skinny's report, Holly Blue had taken up drinking spiced alcohol and apparently spent most of the time withdrawn into her gem, so Skinny had relieved her of command until a cure for alcohol addiction could be produced. Defect or not, Skinny had managed to make a good impression on Pyrite.

Under Blue Diamond's rule, the defects had been given the tedious but important task of maintaining the Zoo. Even though Pyrite didn't consider Blue Diamond a great military leader, at least she had put the defects to a good use. A wise leader knew how to best make use of each and every soldier under her command. If it had been Yellow Diamond's decision, the defects would probably have been harvested in the hope of creating better gems. If only Homeworld had infinite resources, Yellow Diamond's preferred method of perfecting the quality of Homeworld troops might have been a viable choice, moral considerations aside.

"Not only have you taken command and kept things organized here, but you are also volunteering to accompany the Earth mission," Pyrite spoke. "Why is that, Jasper?"

"General, I may be a defect, but as I was born on Earth, I know my way around its dangers. Besides, I would do anything to get off this station. I grow tired of babysitting these humans. I understand that this mission is very important..."

"It is," general Pyrite finished. "Very well, then. I suppose my scouts could use a guide. If you perform well, I can recommend your transfer to the Homeworld - you'll find no humans there. Report to my Rubies in the docking bay. Dismissed."

"Thank you, general. I obey," Skinny said, saluted and left.

"Well, how did it go?" the famethysts asked Jasper as she made her way towards the Ruby ship.

"Just great," Skinny said. "General Pyrite may be a wonderful leader and so on, but she does have her weaknesses. I'm glad my 'defect' merely makes me skinny and has absolutely no effect on my nature, honesty and loyalty to the Homeworld."

The famethysts appreciated Skinny's sarcasm. Whatever plan the Diamonds and general Pyrite had concocted, famethysts had successfully dealt the first blow to shatter it.

-o-

"Here are the DVDs, my Diamond!" Yellow Pearl said, carrying the entire 'Deep Space 9' series to her Diamond's room.

"Good. Insert the first DVD," Yellow Diamond ordered. As if to convince herself, she added: "I will not let any of this human entertainment get to me, though, I am stronger than that..."

Yellow Diamond watched the episode that was presumably the catalyst of her nightmare. As the episode progressed, her thoughts began to drift towards the Rebellion and Homeworld's final victory over Rose Quartz and her band of terrorists. The alternative would be worse: surely the rebels would shatter her along with Blue Diamond... But they couldn't win a full scale war against Homeworld, could they?

Yellow Diamond suddenly noticed something leaning against her waist. What could it be? Looking down, Yellow Diamond noticed that her Pearl had climbed on her lap and was now happily watching the show.

Yellow's first instinct was to bark angry orders at her Pearl, telling her to should leave her Diamond alone and that it was most inappropriate for her to climb on her Diamond's lap, even though such action had never been specifically forbidden.

 _Get back to your workstation this instant! This is an order!_

But no words came - something made Yellow Diamond stay silent. She watched her Pearl silently, and after a few minutes, her agitation started to fade away.

 _I will let her be, then,_ Yellow thought. _Maybe my Pearl is just scared and draws comfort from me. Yes, that must be it! I am a Diamond. I inspire. I protect. She is a good Pearl, so I will not deny this from her._

-o-

 **Meanwhile, in the Author's Notes:**

Yellow Diamond "studying" the **Star Trek** : DS9 episodes is a reference to Grand Admiral Thrawn studying the art of his opponents' cultures in order to gain psychological advantage over them. Thrawn appears in Timothy Zahn's **Star Wars** novels. Yay, two references crammed together!

So, this turned out to be something of a filler chapter as Peridot doesn't make an actual appearance at all. But readers get the chance to observe the ripples that Peridot's actions have created. Deep, right? (Now there's a good sales pitch)

Coming up next: Bread and circuses, truth serum and magnetism. :)


	24. The Nemedian Chronicles

**Chapter 24:** The Nemedian Chronicles

-o-

"Are we really going to let him keep that?"

"We kept Amethyst."

"Oh, ah hah hah! Kept Amethyst! Oh, Garnet, that's priceless! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!"

 _Well screw you too, guys._

\- Pearl, Garnet and _Amethyst_

-o-

 **The Beach City Post**

Sunscreen: 10, winds: 0.22 m/s / east, Sunday, June, 19, 2016

 **Today's highlights:**

Bad hair day: Endangered yak on the loose, page 3

Protesters receive compensation over dirtied flag, page 5

Vandalism at the art museum, page 10

Mayor Dewey's opening speech during Beach City 200 years celebration, pages 11-12

Mayor Dewey: "People misunderstood my speech!" Page 12

Mayor Dewey's leave of absence: Speculation runs wild! Page 13

Don't bother reading this trash, page 17

Spiders - native species or immigrants from space? Page 19

Seagulls: Our friends in the skies, Page 20

Violent assault and battery - Man hospitalized! Page 22

Volbeat mesmerizes Beach City, Page 24

USA vs Japan: 200 Hit Combo Tournament, Page 26

Name Droppings - the poll results, Page 33

Religion: Lord Vader or Lord Jesus? page 47

TV Guide: Tonight on _Conan_ : Trump and Crystal, Page 50

* * *

-o-

It was a quiet Sunday morning. Amethyst, having escorted Peridot and Lapis to the barn after the festivities, had warped back to the Temple, allowing Lapis and Peridot to have some privacy. After all, they were protected by their swarm of deadly attack drones.

To her surprise, Amethyst found herself being awake before anyone else, or at least so it seemed.

After surviving the poor hygiene of the video game tournament crowd, Steven had spent a fun evening with Connie's family. They had watched as Greg drove a pickup truck as part of the parade. After a long day of celebrating and eating, it made sense that he would sleep late. Amethyst could hear the telltale snoring coming from Steven's cubiculum.

Garnet was nowhere to be seen. Maybe she had some 'missions' of her own?

That left Pearl. Normally, she would rise early just like a rooster would, but not this morning: she had company which she had managed to sneak in without anyone noticing.

Amethyst decided to be useful and fetch the morning newspaper. Awestruck by the beautiful morning, she didn't notice a motor cycle belonging to a certain somebody parked near the stairs.

The newspaper felt still warm. Getting back inside the Temple, Amethyst put a huge dose of coffee on and begun skimming through the paper. Oh, and she grabbed some leftover ribs for herself from the fridge, too.

"Huh, I wonder if this means that Dewey will be bugging Pearl even more than usual, or the opposite," Amethyst wondered as she read through the article detailing Mayor Dewey's leave of absence. "Hey, here's a photo of Dewey. Bad Dewey, bad! Always chasing after Pearl. Hmm, something is missing from his mug, though..."

Amethyst had a brilliant idea. She picked up a ballpoint pen and drew a pair of glasses on Mayor Dewey's portrait. "And let's not forget the tickler!" A few pen strokes later, Dewey was sporting a stylish Himmler moustache.

"Now he looks the part! Oh, the poll results... I wonder how my favorite wrestler fared?"

* * *

 **The Beach City Post**

Pop'n'poll: Name Droppings!

The 200 Years of Beach City Poll results are in! In our last issue, we asked readers to vote for the 20 most influential and/or inspiring past or present Beach City residents. We received 5 truckloads of letters, a couple of faxes and 47 miles of electronic votes. Here are our champions that you, the readers have chosen:

1\. Sadie Miller

2\. Nanefua Pizza

3\. Emil Zatopek

4\. Juan de la Cierva

5\. Bettie Page

6\. Jackson Galaxy

7\. Julie Andrews

8\. Tove Jansson

9\. Teiko Kiwa

10\. Lucille Ball

11\. Dave Chappelle

12\. Marian Anderson

13\. Ryuichi Sakamoto

14\. Priyanka Maheswaran

15\. Moses Kiptanui

16\. Novislav Djajic

17\. Joan Crawford

18\. Lars Barriga

19\. Lauren Zuke

20\. Ebdo Mihemed / Purple Puma (tie)

* * *

"Heh, this is great. I gotta show this to the gang!"

Amethyst heard a gem room door opening and closing. From the gentle but almost suffocating whiff of Axis Chemicals Pearly Mint air Freshener(tm), she knew that it was Pearl's room door.

Eyes still on the paper, she called out: "Hey, Pearl, come see this. Look at this list and see if..."

As she looked over her shoulder, instead of spotting Pearl, Amethyst saw a pink haired human girl - _the_ girl - walking towards her. Of course! It was the girl from the concert, Sheena, Pearl's date!

"Hi there. Pearl will be here in a minute. I'm Sheena, by the way," the girl said. "Sorry for this intrusion, but Pearl said that I could fix myself some coffee, so..."

"Oh, I, uh... No problem! And coffee is already on the way!" Amethyst said. "I'm Amethyst. I'm Pearl's roommate. Well, more like a close neighbor, actually. I'm her flat mate."

"Well, nice to meet you, Amethyst," Sheena said. She found mugs and poured herself and Amethyst some coffee. "Oh, I almost forgot: wassup."

"Sup yo," Amethyst replied, not quite sure what to think of Sheena. Then again, Pearl liked her, so quartz logic dictated that Sheena was cool, perhaps even awesome. Better not gross her out by picking nose or some other place...

Just as Amethyst sat down, Pearl's room door opened.

"Good morning!" Pearl said. She had a blissful expression on her face, and she made no attempt to hide it. "Oh, good, you found the coffee!"

"Sure did," Sheena replied. "Damn good coffee!"

 _Huh, those two have already been working out together_ , Amethyst thought. _Horizontal aerobics, no doubt._ "Good morning, P... Hey, I wanted to show you something: take a look at this newspaper poll. Notice anything?"

"Let's see," Pearl said. "Lots of familiar names... Dr. Maheswaran, uh huh... Dr. Kiptanui... A-ha! Purple Puma, a tied 20th place with Ebdo Mihemed."

"Yeah! It's great that people still remember. I doubt I'll make the list next year, though."

"Purple Puma is Amethyst's wrestling persona," Pearl explained.

"Are you sure that it's not the other way around?" Sheena joked. "Seriously though, I don't know much about wrestling, but every city could use a professional athlete as a role model."

Now Amethyst felt awesome. Not everyone understood that wrestling was a real sport.

"But why is that Lars Barriga guy on this list?" Pearl wondered. "If only the voters knew that he broke #1's heart!" Even though Pearl wouldn't admit it, she occasionally exchanged bits and pieces of social information (gossip) with her network of friends. "Hmph. I wonder if they'll do 'top 20 most disliked Beach City residents'."

"Would someone named Dewey be on that list?" Sheena asked.

"Maybe," Pearl replied. "But to be fair, there are worse or _better_ contenders."

"I know one," Amethyst said. "Charlton..."

"Heston," Pearl finished. "Quite so. A good actor, and that was the only good thing about him."

Curious about the poll results, Sheena looked at the paper over Pearl's shoulder, brushing the gem's cheek with her own. "Huh, I didn't know Joan Crawford lived in Beach City."

"She didn't," Pearl said. "The closest thing she ever came to Beach City was when she visited Metro City, and even then she didn't stay for long. Apparently some of the so called 'trolls' have rigged this poll. Why would Beach City Post print such an obvious error?"

"Maybe it's a conspiracy," Sheena said. "Take the initials J.C. It's code for someone else. James Comey, for example."

"Of course!" Pearl exclaimed. "And James Corden."

"Jackie Chan! Isn't he gorgeous?" Sheena teased.

"So is Jennifer Connelly," came Pearl's reply. She wouldn't lose a name dropping contest to anyone. "Let's see you come up with another J.C."

"Johnny Carson!" Sheena offered.

"Uh huh. Jeremy... Corbyn!"

"Yuck. I'll raise you a Jack Conte, then. (Another Jolly Communist, he is.)"

"Jim Carrey! Smokin'."

"Jiminy Cricket. Ba da dum dum dum."

"Joan Chen!"

"Jimmy Carter."

"John Cox!"

"Johnny Cash."

Pearl searched her memory banks. "Joe Camel!"

Sheena already had another name ready: "Julius Caesar!"

 _Powerful figure,_ Pearl thought. _That reminds me of..._ "Jesus Christ!"

"ILLUMINATI!" they both honked together and shared a hearty laugh.

Amethyst didn't quite get what was so funny about the exchange, and it wasn't the only reason she felt left out. Sheena got even closer to Pearl and started tickling her. They would soon be making out, no doubt about that.

"All right, guys, I'm going to my room if you guys need some privacy," Amethyst said, half joking.

"Oh, don't bother on my account," Sheena said. "I can't stay for _that_ long. I know that it's Sunday, but I got some leftover stuff to do. Bane of being a blue collar worker, I'm afraid."

"Do you really have to go?" Pearl asked, slightly disappointed.

"Uh huh. I'll just finish my coffee. I guess you'll walk me out?"

"Of course!"

After the coffee was gone, Amethyst watched as Sheena went to Pearl's room to retrieve her belongings - a motorcycle helmet, leather jacket and a U.S. Army surplus duffel bag - and exited the Temple, receiving a kiss from Pearl at the door. Of course, it was more than a kiss - it was a promise that the two would meet again.

"Looks like you two are getting along," Amethyst said as Pearl sat down at the table.

"Yes, we are! It's amazing how things work out. To think that I called her completely by accident!"

"Yeah. So, your date: how was it? I mean, obviously it went well, but what did you guys do?"

"We were practically everywhere!" Pearl exclaimed. "We visited the museum, drank soda in a street cafe, I yelled at mayor Dewey, then we saw the parade, walked on the beach, I tried out her motorcycle and managed _not_ to poof myself (or the bike) and finally we went to the Volbeat concert. It was noisy and there were too many people, but Sheena rescued me, and then the Volbeat guys helped me on the stage, and I jammed with them. Well, I played the air guitar and sang to the audience."

"Show-off! Then what?"

"Well, it was getting late, so we ended up here. I did make some changes to my room before showing Sheena in. But it turned out that she wasn't interested in the intricacies of decorating of non-Euclidean spaces at all, because she took off her clothes almost immediately and..."

"Ok, ok, P, I get the picture! So she was interested in _your_ spaces. Way to go! But have you told her about... um, gem stuff?"

"Oh." For the first time in decades, perhaps centuries, Pearl had forgotten that she was a gem and not a human. Being with Sheena had felt so natural, partially because she tolerated Pearl's weirdness. Perhaps she even found it adorable. But could it really work? It had worked for Rose and Greg...

"I meant to tell her, but we became _sidetracked_ ," Pearl said. "I guess I will eventually have to. That reminds me: can I ask you a personal question?"

"Shoot."

"You don't have to answer, but have you had many relationships with humans?"

"Ohh, I see," Amethyst moaned. "You're going to torment me about _him_."

"No! Not at all!" Pearl said. "I was thinking if you had any advice to me regarding, um, close relationships! Although I do admit that I was a bit surprised when I realized that... Look, I know how it feels, ok? I've been there."

"What do you mean? I don't remember you dating Mayor Dewey or anything," Amethyst said. "You haven't, have you?"

"No, nothing like that. I meant that I know what it's like to have conflicting emotions."

"Do you now."

"Yes, I do now! I'll tell you if you don't believe me. To give you an example... Did you hear how Peridot tricked Dewey by saying that I belonged to her?"

Amethyst resisted the urge to burst out laughing. Instead, she managed keep her face straight. "Yeah, it was a clever move. Go on," she said.

"That wasn't the first time she said such a thing," Pearl continued. "Before we started designing the drill, she was being a jerk. A complete jerk! She acted like she was a wannabe Diamond or something. And then she told me that I since I belonged to no one, I could belong to her."

Amethyst could hardly contain her excitement. "So, you politely corrected her, Pearl style?"

"Yes, I most certainly did." Pearl hesitated for a moment before continuing: "But for a moment there... she made me think about what it would be like to belong to someone again."

That broke the dam. "I KNEW IT!" Amethyst exclaimed. "I knew you were fawning over our cute little jerk! It figures: after all, you two are both good at tinkering with all kinds of gadgets and..." But something made Amethyst stop and _think_ about what Pearl had just said. "Oh. OH! Pearl, I'm sorry, I... I didn't mean to..."

But Pearl was one step ahead of her friend. "It's fine. I saw your reaction coming from a mile away."

"I... eh... You did?"

"Yes. And if it really bothered me, I would complain about it until you poofed! But you're right about one thing: Peridot can be a cute jerk sometimes. Just like you."

"I'm not cute. I'm stunning! And smart," Amethyst said, not really waving the compliment away. _Oh, Pearl, you're awesome. Hmm... Didn't she ask me if I had advice or something?_ she thought. _Oh, right._ "But I'm afraid I don't have that much advice for you. I mean, if you want to have, like, a serious relationship." _Whether it's a human or a gem you're dating..._

"If you say so. But you sure knew all the right words to say to Sheena on the phone. I'm really grateful that you helped me."

"I didn't really do much. Oh, and had you asked me for advice before you met her, I would have said something like 'don't date a jerk', or at least 'don't keep dating a jerk'. Unless they are cute. And cool. And they should know how to un-jerkify themselves just a bit. Sheena seems cool, so I think you caught yourself a good one."

"She is cool, as you put it," Pearl agreed. "I owe you one. Thank you."

Amethyst suddenly felt as if there was a lump in her throat. Something didn't feel right... but how could it be? Pearl was so happy, happier than she had been for a long time. And it was Amethyst who had helped her - wasn't that supposed to make her feel good, too? Pearl's gratefulness felt so very sweet, yet...

"Anytime, P," Amethyst heard herself say.

-o-

Later that evening, Steven and the gems had gathered in front of TV to watch Peridot's debut on national television. They had made bets on whether or not Trump, Peridot or both would embarrass themselves, but nothing could have prepared them for what would happen in the show.

"Shhh! Quiet, everyone! It's starting now!" Amethyst whispered and turned the dial on the propaganda filtering device (Pearl's invention) down to 0,1%.

At the BC11 studio backstage, Donald and Peridot went through their checklists. Trump gave Peridot some last minute advice: "Remember that communists are bad. Hillary only represents the elite. You are a hard working... uh, citizen. Any questions?"

"No. Well, to be honest, I have just one small question. Why are we taking part in this show?"

Trump suddenly looked at least 5 years older than he was. "To introduce _you_ to the public, that's why! People already know me - it's you who's my secret weapon! When Obama wasn't a president yet, he visited this show and joked about running with Mr. O'Brien. And look what happened!"

"He won the crowd and became an Earth leader - I understand that," Peridot replied. "But why aren't we going on Ellen's show? Lapis likes her."

"Because for one thing, people would expect us to do a stupid little dance. Sure, Obama got a few votes by dancing, but this is supposed to be serious! Entertaining, but serious!"

 _No Ellen then,_ Peridot thought sadly. _I can't dance properly anyway._

A familiar "I want to sell you this wonderful toaster" type of voice spoke the introduction:

"Coming to you from BC11 Studios in Beach City, in front of a live audience, _iiiiit's_ Conan!"

Fireworks exploded in the studio, smoke machines belched blue smoke and as expected, the handsome redhead, Conan O'Brien, walked on the stage, turned 180 degrees and moonwalked closer. Then he turned again and jumped in the middle of the spotlight.

"Rawrrr!" Conan began and tried to speak over the applauding. "Good evening, everyone! Yeah! Oh yeah. We have a wonderful show for you tonight! That's right! Here we are in Beach City instead of Burbank - my arms are very tired, by the way, but I'll live, I'll live, really. Some of you might be wondering what I'm doing in this hicktown of a village..."

Someone from the audience gave instant feedback: "Boo!"

"I assure you that this is a very pretty hicktown, actually... My team tells me that there's nothing wrong with that word... Oh, there is? My bad! Anyway, this is a special episode, because today we are on the campaign trail! Yeah! Or more specifically, at the beginning of _a_ campaign trail! WHICH MEANS that we have some very, very interesting guests with us tonight!

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury... may I present to you the presidential & vice presidential team of the Republican party, our present day Don Quixote and Sancho Pancha, Mr. Donald Trump and Miss Peridot Crystal!"

The audience went "ooooohhh!" as Donald Trump and Peridot... or rather, Peridot and Trump (ladies first, as well as those who have feminine traits), walked to the stage, waving as if they already had the victory in the bag.

Conan survived the handshakes, and bade his guests to sit on the couch.

Peridot noted that on the opposite side, sitting on comfortable looking armchair was a giant pear. Yes, a pear. You read that correctly - don't try to adjust your screen.

"So, Mr. Trump, thank you for being here. As I understand, you are starting your campaign tour from Beach City. Why is that?"

"First of all, it's wonderful to be here. This is a fine city. A fine city! It's also the home of the next vice president, Miss Peridot here."

Peridot grinned and waved again, but didn't say anything. This amused the audience.

Conan looked over his notes. "Mr. Trump, most of the audience knows you from your TV show, 'The Apprentice'. You were quite scary in the boardroom! But it seems that this time around, you're one of the contestants in the mother of all reality shows, the Presidential Election of the United States of America."

"That's right!"

"So, tell us something you haven't told anyone before - what will be your first presidential order if you get elected?"

"Well, Conan, _after_ I'm elected, I'm going to erase Franklin D. Roosevelt's name from the face of the Earth!"

The members of the audience who knew who Roosevelt was gave a low, disapproving murmur.

"And I mean completely: street names, airports, history books, ships, everything! Everything that reminds people of him shall be ground to fine dust," Trump continued.

"Why is that? Is it because of his decision to intern the Japanese-Americans after the attack on Pearl Harbor?"

"Well, uh, yes and no. You see, ol' Frankie boy held the office during the most difficult time of our country. The internment was just one of his many mistakes. He was a naive, incompetent man - he opened the White House to commies. Just look what happened to Europe: after the V day in Europe, Stalin played Roosevelt like a fiddle! As a result, the entire Eastern Europe fell under Soviet rule. Lame! If it was someone else in the White House, we would have won the Cold War much, much sooner. Franklin D. Roosevelt was the original clod, and I'll tell you right now that I would never call people like him my president!

Had I been in his place, I would have told Stalin to go dance some Tropak and stay the [BLEEP] out of Europe and... well, everywhere!"

"I'm sure you would have," Conan agreed. "I..."

"I wasn't finished!" Trump continued. "Unfortunately, the presidential idiocy doesn't end with Roosevelt. Jimmy Carter gave away the Panama Canal, to... uh, Panama, I guess. But the thing is, why the heck would he do that? Panama isn't even a real country!

And then we get to Obama. Barack Obama handed the control of ICANN over to the UN, and every sensible person knows what a fat, useless, corrupt pig UN is. Now, the internet doesn't have the protection of the 1st Amendment. The 1st Amendment is the best achievement of mankind so far. Absolutely the best! With his stupid decision, Obama betrayed not only his country - if USA even is his country - but also the freedom of speech and the entire internet."

"Boo! Get off the stage!" an audience member yelled.

"Oh come on. Criticizing presidents isn't illegal in America," Trump retorted. "This isn't South Korea!"

"All right, let's stay calm for a few more minutes. Mr. Trump, those are some heavy accusations you were throwing around..." Conan spoke. He cast a glance at Peridot, who was grinning, suppressing her laughter. That's how Peridot reacted when she was nervous. "We'll get back to those later (maybe). It looks like Miss Peridot is very _excited_ to be here, too. Miss Peridot, you seem to be a new face in politics, even more fresh than Mr. Trump. How would you respond to your critics if they called you a bit green? Because you are green, aren't you?"

"Green is a color designed to boost life," Peridot said. She had activated her inner gobbledygook generator.

"It's the color of money, too. American money! And it's also the color of Ireland. You never mess with the Irish!" Trump added. "Moreover, Miss Peridot here is an accomplished counter-terrorist and benefactor of mankind. Not only that, but she's a blue collar worker. A farmer and a mechanic. You gotta respect that!"

"I see," Conan said. "Well, miss Crystal, I'm not one to spread rumors, but I just have to ask you: do I hear wedding bells? I mean, 99% of vice president candidates in this country have been married, so..."

Peridot actually had heard wedding bells going off during the trip to the studios. She had entertained the thought that they rang for the two humans she had run into earlier, Kevin and Lars.

"Your hearing is very good. The wedding bells are definitely ringing!"

There was an "ooh" and some applause. Peridot's mood improved, so she waved at the audience. Spotting a camera, she smiled and blew a kiss at it.

"And who was that for, if I may ask?" Conan prodded.

"Lapis Lazuli. She's my barn mate. She's a terraformer, but she's also an excellent fighter. If you try to fuse with her without permission, she'll toss you into the bottom of the ocean!"

Again, there was much applause. It wasn't because Peridot was being particularly funny - as she wasn't - but because the audience put two and two together and got a heart symbol as a result. And clearly this strange little lady clearly played for the "other" team!

Back at the temple, Amethyst gave Lapis the usual comment: "Ooooooh! Isn't that romantic, eh? Lapis?"

"Shush! Weren't we supposed to be quiet?" Pearl said.

"Actually, it _is r_ omantic," Lapis admitted, just so she could see Amethyst's reaction.

The little quartz warrior was clearly happy for Peridot and Lapis. "It sure is! Way to go, you two!"

At the BC11 studio, Conan began discussing some boring Earth issues with Trump. Peridot gradually understood what she had said and started blushing. It was then she noticed that the pear was grinning at her.

"So, what made you choose Peridot?" Conan asked Trump.

"Well, that's an interesting story. It begins with a seagull..."

Peridot could only faintly hear how she was being praised. That damn pear just wouldn't stop grinning. _Give me an excuse, stupid pear... I dare you._

"Isn't that right, miss future Vice President?" Trump suddenly asked.

"Hm? Oh! Right, sorry, I was just calculating the best strategy," Peridot replied.

"Yeah, but Conan here just asked you if you know anything about our domestic and foreign affairs, and I said that you do. Do you want to punch him or...?"

Peridot remembered exactly what she was supposed to say. "Well, I can say that I know everything about domestic affairs. Everything! You could say that I'm very domesticated. I also have a sentient and domesticated pumpkin."

"What?" Conan asked, not quite following, even though he knew exactly what a sentient, domesticated pumpkin was.

"As for foreign affairs, well, I have connections to all kinds of nations and cultures," Peridot said, ignoring Conan's confusion. "Germany, China, uh... Latin American countries and um... Tel Aviv! Oh, and I know people who have ancestors in India."

"There, you see? I wouldn't be running with her if she didn't have what it takes," Trump said. "Miss Peridot here is a very talented and gifted individual - all thanks to America! America creates productive and intelligent people. It's in our soil!"

 _Gifted?_ That reminded Peridot of something. "Thank you, Mr. Trump. I almost forgot something: I have a gift for you!"

Trump faked surprise, convincing everyone. "Really? Let's see it!"

Peridot reached behind the couch and handed the magnificent work of art to Trump - the painting made by Vidalia, who had captured the essence of Trump and Peridot perfectly, save for one minor detail: they both had similar, ridiculously large periwigs on their heads.

"Well, that's certainly something!" Conan said as he saw the painting.

"It most _certainly_ is!" Trump agreed. "I don't know much about art, but I like it! Even though my nose seems a bit too small... and my hands are too big. A fine painting, though!"

The show went on. Despite the boost to her self confidence that Lapis had given her earlier, Peridot's insecurities once again turned into annoyance as she endured the eyeless stare of the awful pear.

"Hey, Onan... I mean, Conan, can I ask you something?" Peridot asked, interrupting Trump and Coco's discussion about global warming.

 _Brilliant timing,_ Trump thought.

Conan made a surprised face. It wasn't in the script, but years of TV experience allowed him to improvise on the spot. "As long as you don't want to know my credit card pin."

"What is the role of that pear in this television broadcast program?" Peridot asked, pointing at the grinning fruit.

 _Oh, brother. Well, Miss Peridot, that's the opposite of a good internet joke,_ Conan thought. _Note to self: fire the writer who came up with this crap._

"Oh, that!" said Conan, managing not to break his smile. "I was going to introduce him in a moment, but since you asked... Ladies and gentlemen, as we couldn't get anyone from the Democratic Party here today, we invited a sentient fruit as our third guest. May I present to you the Biting Pear of Salamanca!"

Many of the audience members recognized the nostalgic meme. Indeed the pear had a mouth, full of horse teeth, hence the curious name. But what was the significance of Salamanca - was it another reference or pure absurdism? Nobody voiced out the unspoken question.

"Sentient?!" Peridot exclaimed. "Hey, pear, what's the latest in pear fashion?"

"Lol, wut!" the Pear answered. There was something disrespectful in his demeanor, and Peridot took it very personally.

Ignoring the pear, Conan and Trump turned their discussion once again into politics (what a surprise) and the strange vice presidential candidate. Trump pointed out that in addition to farming and car repairs, Peridot had experience in various professions: She had worked as a soldier, kindergartner (Trump presented this profession as a fusion of a nurse, midwife, foster parent and an artificial insemination specialist), matchmaker, babysitter and a lion tamer. As the men continued their discussion, Peridot glared at the Pear and imagined that it glared back at her.

Then, Conan pulled out a rather old document from his stack of notes. "I have the original copy of the U.S. constitution here," he said. "It says here that a vice president should be a natural born citizen..."

"Which Peridot is," Trump assured.

"And has she resided in the U.S. for at least 14 years?"

"Gimme that," Trump said and yanked the U.S. constitution from Conan's hands, almost damaging it. "Peridot?"

 _Think around the facts_ , Peridot thought. She cleared her throat and spoke: "I have spent several periods that have lasted way more than 14 years in this part of Earth. Not as a tourist, but as a worker. And before you ask, I couldn't pay taxes, because it was nonprofit work."

Trump recognized a pitfall in their plan. _That old Chinese guy wrote that all warfare is based on deception_ , he thought. _Distracting your opponents is part of it, or something._ "Listen, Coco, the American dream belongs to everyone. Everyone!" he spoke. "If the constitution tries to get in the way of that dream, then I have a modest suggestion."

RRRRIIIP! Donald Trump ripped the constitution in two (2).

"That... that wasn't a prop!" Conan exclaimed, terrified.

"It is now!" Trump said.

"Lol, wut!" the Pear laughed, not with Trump, but at him and his clumsy attempt at distraction.

"THAT DOES IT!" Peridot yelled. "If you have something to say, say it, you... you... rotten pear!"

"Lol, wut!"

Everyone but Peridot found it funny. She jumped from the couch and walked closer to the pear. Facing the audience and pointing at the pear, she began ranting once again. "Did you hear what he's saying? He just said that he'd rather turn this country into an anarchist collective of cattle rustlers than suffer me as a vice president! Isn't _that_ unconstitutional?!"

"I never!" the Pear protested. "I didn't say any of those things! This is absurd! I object to your accusations!"

"Oh, so _now_ you're talking so that everyone can understand? Keep talking! Let everyone see and hear what kind of a communist you are! And a bigot! You're a bigot for implying that two different types of gems shouldn't be together."

"That does it. I won't listen to this anymore. I'm leaving!"

"How? How are you going to leave?" Peridot shouted, picking up speed. "You don't have any legs, arms or pseudopods! What are you going to do, beg for someone to carry you? Well don't look at me, I'm not your slave!"

"Don't come closer!" the Pear pleaded. Looking around (somehow), he saw no way of escape. "Stay away, or I'll bite!"

"What more could I expect from a _Biting_ Pear. Threats against my physical form. We've got ourselves a real mafioso here! I swear, if I had a weapon with me..."

"That can be arranged," Trump said and reached under the couch, producing a baseball bat (which was an ambidextrous model). Without a second thought, he tossed it to Peridot, who caught it.

"Ah, I'm familiar with this particular weapon! Crude, but effective. Wonderful!"

"Help! Help! Stop this! Help!" the Pear begged.

Peridot inspected the bat, tapping a rhythm against her palm. Turning to the audience once more, she asked: "What do you say, folks? Do I let him _have_ it, or..."

The audience began chanting the ominous mantra: "Do it, do it, do it, do it..."

"You can't do this. This is murder!" the Pear pleaded.

Peridot seemed to consider. "Murder, he says," she said at length. "I call it pruning."

Peridot raised the baseball bat...

...and started to viciously beat the Pear into fruity paste. The audience cheered on as bits and pieces of the Pear flew everywhere, soaking the furious Peridot.

But after the carnage was over, everyone fell silent. Were they shocked or were they waiting for the final punchline? It didn't matter to Peridot. She hadn't come on the show to appear weak or apologetic.

"If you ever wonder what is best in life, it's tenderizing your foes and hearing the lamentations of the sinister powers behind them! In closing: long live the Seatchklcht Mariners, long live Beach City, and long live America!"

"YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!"

Peridot reclaimed her seat as the audience cheered on. Conan lamented the death of the Biting Pear of Salamanca:

"Shame about the pear. Then again, nothing of value was lost: it was an old meme anyway. Okay! All right! During the commercial break, our studio assistants will be cleaning up this mess. And when we come back, we have some very interesting footage from a video game tournament that took place at the Beach City Funland Arcade. Don't change the channel!"

The rest of the show was tailored to even less intellectually gifted viewers than those who had cheered Peridot to commit murder (simulated, perhaps) on live TV. But the important thing was that team T&P had successfully made their debut. Most of the live audience and the TV crowd were already eating right out of Peridot's hand. On the other hand, several Democrat-leaning newspapers were already firing up their typewriters to criticize the barbarism.

 _Excellent TV,_ Conan thought. _Even though people are cheering at the gem now, there's just no way Trump is going to be our next president._

-o-

The Crystal Gems were so stunned by Peridot's act that they momentarily forgot to mute the TV at the start of the commercials.

"All right, relief break!" Amethyst exclaimed. "Race you guys to the beach!" But nobody would race her: everyone's eyes were on the TV. Steven, in particular, looked really troubled. "Uh... guys?"

"Was that really Peridot in there? Why did she murder that pear?" Steven asked, his lower jaw trembling.

Pearl regretted the fact that she hadn't turned the TV off the moment Peridot got the baseball bat.

Lapis had covered little Pumpkin's eyes just in time so he couldn't see Peridot's barbarian impersonation. "Woof?" Pumpkin asked, sensing that something sinister had happened.

"Why don't you go and drink some water? I don't this is a suitable program for pumpkins. Go on, now!" Lapis told Pumpkin. "Well, so much for Peridot the Merciful."

"Dude, it's just a show," Amethyst comforted Steven. "Unlike wrestling, not everything you see in a talk show is real."

"It was real enough for Peridot," Garnet said, getting up. "I need a drink."

"Drink? You? What? Why?" Pearl asked.

"Yes, me, alcohol," the fusion said and went to retrieve a bottle of vodka from her secret stash. "And to answer your last question, _because_." She then got her phone and dialed in Greg's number. It took a full minute for him to respond.

"Hi, this is Garnet. ... Where are you? Ok... were you watching Conan just now? ... Really? What a funny coincidence. ... With who? ... Well, can I pour Steven one, too? ... Wonderful. Bye."

Then, to everyone's amazement, Garnet handed Steven a shot glass and filled it to the brim with _Путинка_ _-_ vodka. Nobody could get a word out of their mouths.

"I just called Greg," Garnet explained. "He said he was at the bar, drinking with his friends, the Fred Flintstone twins and the Barney Rubble twins. He authorized me to let Steven have a taste of this stuff. Bottoms up, Steven."

"NO! Give me that," Pearl objected, snatching the shot glass from Steven. "And Garnet... Garnet!" But Garnet had already downed half of the bottle before Pearl could confiscate it.

"Hmmh? Oh, by all means, help yourself," Garnet said, surrendering the bottle.

"For Galaxy's sake! What's gotten into you?"

Garnet seemed to consider this. Then, already struggling to keep her balance, she spoke: "You know, you're a -hic!- you're a good gem. You're the best Pearl. The best Pearl that's ever been made. Our beautiful Pearl!"

Amethyst knew exactly what would come next. The effects of alcohol weren't completely alien to her. Sometimes, instead of merely poisoning the unfortunate being who consumed it, alcohol acted as a not so gentle truth serum. "Ha, ha! Listen carefully, P! I think Garnet has something important to say."

"That's right," Garnet said. "First of all... Pearl... I'm sorry I was so mean to you when... after we fused to destroy Peridot's communication tower... thing... I'm so sorry..."

Even though alcohol normally didn't affect gems, Garnet had added some of her special sauce to the Vodka in an attempt to recreate the positive effects it had. However, the resulting mix carried all the negative effects, too, whether consumed by a human or a gem.

"Garnet, that's in the past. _I_ apologized to _you_ , and for a good reason. Everything is ok now, remember?" Pearl said.

"Yes, but I never told you that I love you. I love you! I really do. I love Sardonyx. I love fusing, too."

Before Pearl could even blush, Garnet embraced her. Eventually, she let Pearl go and turned to Amethyst. "And you, Amethyst, our dear sweet Amethyst, our little Amy... I love you too, very, very much!" Garnet made an almost perfect heart sign with her hands.

"Aww, you're so sweet," Amethyst cooed. "And right back atcha! You know, I... OOOF!" She was cut short as Garnet gave her a hug, almost poofing her.

"And Steven Quartz... Universe! Come here!" Garnet lifted Steven up and gave him a hug, too - this time she had the sense not to squeeze too tightly. "I love you, you little Steven thing, you! And Greg, too!"

"Hehe, yeah, that's great. We love you, too..." Steven replied.

"I don't suppose you have something for me and Peridot," Lapis said, but before she could utter another word, Garnet, still holding Steven, pulled the water princess closer for a hug.

"You two... of course you... of course I love you... Uh, where is Peridot?" Garnet said, already so hammered that she had no idea where Peridot was.

"She was just on the TV! It was a live broadcast," Pearl reminded her.

Steven managed to untangle himself and landed on the floor. Lapis, still holding Garnet, noticed that the fusion was about to pass out. "Guys? Can you give me a hand with Garnet? Like, now, please?"

"Now what shall we do with a drunken swimmer?" Amethyst sang.

In her mind, Pearl relieved Garnet of command. The only thing she could think of was to try and make Garnet as comfortable as possible.

"Help me lift her on the couch! Make her some room, everyone, get some pillows... there. Now try to sleep it off, Garnet. It's a lovely day tomorrow; tomorrow is a lovely day."

"Mmm-huh," Garnet agreed and started snoring.

"Good grief! What on Earth happened to her? Steven, go brush your teeth."

Sensing that Pearl was being very serious and that the usual " _but Pearl, Connie gets to stay up even later_ " protestations wouldn't work, Steven obeyed and headed to the bathroom.

"Are you guys going to be ok?" Lapis asked. "Peridot said that she'd come to the Barn as soon as she could, and I'd like to be there when she gets there."

"We'll manage," Pearl said. "Thank you. Oh, and if you ever find any alcohol in Peridot's profession, don't hesitate to confiscate it!"

"I'll take your advice under consideration," Lapis promised. That was all she was promising. She wondered what Peridot would say to her if she got really drunk. Sure, they had made themselves happy "a couple of times" already, but neither had dared to speak the words just yet. That moment would come eventually - Lapis was sure of it. Perhaps they would also try fusing, too.

-o-

Having made sure that Steven had fallen asleep, Pearl decided to tidy up the living room. It was then she realized that the room was actually clean: Amethyst hadn't touched her potato chips. She hadn't even spilled Coke on the couch as usual.

Lapis, after saying bye to Steven, Amethyst and Pearl, had warped to the Barn. She would eagerly wait for Peridot there.

Garnet had passed out, but at least she hadn't unfused or poofed by the vicious Earth poison she had consumed.

Pearl looked at the painting of Rose. "Hello again," she said. "Guess what I did today?"

The painting didn't respond. Pearl felt something she hadn't felt in a long time - it was almost... _nothing_ : somehow, the longing and the sadness felt like they were in the past. And as for the future...

A thought occurred to Pearl then: what good was it talking to a painting, anyway? There were real people in her life, and they should take priority over a _memory_ , no matter how beautiful memory it was.

Pearl picked up the bag of chips. Where was Amethyst? Ah, she had mentioned something about star gazing. No doubt she could be found her near the beach. Pearl knew that Amethyst often enjoyed listening to the ocean waves. Amethyst had spent decades, maybe centuries in Kindergarten. She had been absolutely thrilled to see the ocean for the first time, and she had loved it ever since.

 _"Guys! Guys! What is that?!"_

 _"That? Why, it's the ocean. Pretty, isn't it?"_ (That was ROSE talking!)

 _"Don't go in there just yet, Amethyst!"_

 _"Ocean? Why is it there? Where did it come from? What is it made of? Can I touch it?"_

 _"Aren't you a curious quartz? Well, the ocean is made of water - the key element of life on this planet, and..."_

 _"Water? You mean the stuff that falls from the sky?"_

 _"That's right, dear. But the ocean has salt in it."_

 _"Wow! This is the coolest place ever!"_

 _"AMETHYST! Wait!"_

 _"I'll look after her. Since she's so eager, I'll teach her how to swim."_

Pearl smiled at the memory. She then remembered that Amethyst had another reason to be fond of the ocean: in the event that nature called, she could quickly jump in the ocean to do her business.

It didn't take long for Pearl to find Amethyst sitting on the beach. "Mind if I join you?" Pearl asked.

"It's a free country, P," Amethyst said, but there wasn't the usual snarkiness in her voice that would accompany such a reply. Not wanting to seem rude, she added: "So, Garnet and alcohol, huh? Quite a combination, don't you think?"

Pearl gave a chuckle. "You can say that again. It seems that stuff brought out all the good things. Even though she'll be embarrassed once she wakes up."

"Yeah, if she remembers anything. She was so sweet that I'm not even gonna tease her!"

"Really? That's very noble of you," Pearl praised Amethyst.

"Yeah. I'll just tease you instead!"

Pearl rolled her eyes but smiled internally. "Of course. How come I'm not surprised..."

"You know me too well. Hey, look, a shooting star! You gotta make a wish!" Amethyst pointed at the sky, and Pearl could easily spot the shooting star.

"I see it," Pearl said. "I think I'll wish for..."

"No, no, no... You can't say it aloud or it won't come true!"

"All right, then," Pearl sighed. She didn't really believe in wishes - besides, making a wish right now would be selfish: things were looking good. _I wonder what Amy is wishing for? A hamburger? What would Steven want? And what about Sheena..._

"You know, so far you're the only one who's asked me how my date went," Pearl said after the shooting star had gone.

"Really? Well, I guess somebody has to," Amethyst replied. "I bet the others are eager to hear how things went!"

"You think so?"

"Yep. They're being considerate. Not me, though, ha ha! Besides, you know that I can't wait for my fix of gossip for long."

"Hm. Oh, I brought you something," Pearl said, remembering the bag of chips. She handed the bag to Amethyst, who accepted it but curiously didn't touch the contents.

"Thanks. Look, I... I probably worry too much, and it's not exactly my business, but... um."

"What isn't your business?"

"Oh, never mind. It's nothing. I shouldn't have said anything."

"Amethyst, I can see that something's bothering you. Why don't you just tell me what's on your mind. If it's nothing, then there's no harm done. If it isn't, I can handle it. I'm a strong Pearl, remember?"

Amethyst sighed. "All right. I was thinking... Well, it looks like you and Sheena really like each other. I've been thinking about what you asked earlier, you know, about human and gem stuff. Like, summoning weapons, Homeworld, what poofing and reforming is, and... fusing, and things like that." Her voice trembled a bit when she mentioned fusing. "Oh, and corrupt gems," she added.

 _So that's what's bothering her_ , Pearl thought. _She thinks I wouldn't form Opal with her again. Poor Amy!_ "I think we've done a good job hunting corrupted gems near Beach City lately, so it's a lot safer than, say, a year ago. But you also mentioned fusing. I guess it can be a little confusing to humans. Is that what you're really worried about?"

"Yeah, kinda," Amethyst admitted. "I mean, if we, you know, face a powerful enemy, we might have to form Opal. Or if Garnet stays sober, we might need Sardonyx, so maybe you have to explain all that to Sheena. Just a thought."

Pearl had an idea. A better idea. "I have a better idea. How about you and me _show_ her?"

"Really?!" Amethyst exclaimed. "I mean, if you think it's OK."

"It is," Pearl said. "Some of the human things I saw during our date confused me, but Sheena guided me through the day, and... Well, ahem, it's only fair that I help her understand everything there is to understand about gems." She suddenly got up and offered her hand to Amethyst. "I just realized that we haven't formed Opal for some time now."

"And?" Amethyst asked, not quite daring to guess what Pearl would suggest next.

"And it might be better if we tried fusing right now, to see if we don't accidentally bump our heads together during our dance. We wouldn't want to stumble when we make our entrance?"

Amethyst grabbed Pearl's hand. "Right! Let's do it, P!"

"Just a moment, I'll put some music on."

As they danced, Pearl immediately saw that Amethyst's moves were different than usual - she didn't perform her usual lewd and seductive moves. Instead, Amethyst looked like someone who had just won the lottery.

 _It must be because she's relieved_ , Pearl thought. _We're doing this, and not a day too soon. Don't you worry, Amy. Sheena isn't going to spirit me away to China or anywhere else._

After a long awaited flash of light, Pearl and Amethyst fused on the first try. Opal stretched her arms and felt her hair and face.

"Hello there."

"Hello, yourself. That went well."

"It sure did. A pity we didn't have an audience."

"A pity _I_ didn't have an audience. You know, that sounds more like Sardonyx! She is the one who is supposed to be the showoff."

"You're right. Really, having you is enough."

As Opal walked along the beach, certain thoughts and perhaps feelings that had been hidden began slowly emerging. Before either of the fusion partners ( _soul mates?_ ) could help it, Opal said aloud: "It's funny. All I can think of right now is what Garnet said: that the most important reason for fusion is love. Am I not made of love between...?"

 _Love_. Oh, stars...

With another flash of light, Opal suddenly unfused. Pearl and Amethyst fell on the ground, not quite succeeding with their telemark landings. (The Romanian judge gave them 5.5 out of 10)

Pearl got up only to see Amethyst lying on her back, left arm covering her face.

"What... ohhh, we unfused... Amethyst! Are you all right?"

"I'm fine..." Amethyst replied. In her mind, she had blown it - not only the fusion, but she had also made things complicated for Pearl. Amethyst hated it when things got complicated. She would somehow take everything back. But was it even possible? "Just leave me be. I'll keep my distance from now on."

At first, Pearl didn't know what to say. Then...

"No." Pearl knelt down and gently pulled Amethyst's hand so she could see her face.

Amethyst wanted to look away, but she found out that couldn't.

"I'm not going anywhere," Pearl said. "Neither are you, for that matter. Come here." Amethyst got up and after a moment of hesitation, hugged Pearl.

"Now tell me, how long have you...?" Pearl began.

"Three months," Amethyst quickly replied. "I've had a crush on you for three months now. Or maybe 3000 years. Crush... Look at me, beating around the bush. It could be something more serious. Oh heck! I tried to make it go away, but..."

"You just can't make it go away. Trust me."

"Not going to argue about that."

"I have to ask you: why me? You don't have to answer if it's a stupid question, but..."

"It's not," Amethyst said. "Well, maybe it is. I mean, it's all the little things about you - your nose, even though it's not little - the way you move, the way you take care of everyone around you, and, um, every time you say my name, it's like an electric shock, but it doesn't hurt, you know?"

"I usually say your name when I'm annoyed at you," Pearl pointed out, feeling a small twang of guilt.

"Why do you think I annoy you, then?"

Pearl took Amethyst's hands in hers and smiled. "Amethyst, you're horrible! Oh, I have another dumb question for you..."

"Shoot."

"You helped me with Sheena when I froze during my accidental phone call. You could have just told me to say 'no' to her. Why did you help me, if...?"

"Because you wanted to go out with her. I understood that much. So, if I didn't help you - if you had simply rebuked her, you would have eventually started hating yourself. You _asked_ for my help. What kind of a friend would I be if I didn't... if..." But Amethyst's voice broke and she couldn't say another word.

Pearl embraced Amethyst again, much tighter this time.

"I... Look, everything happens for a reason. Everything. That's what I believe. I don't know if it's true, but that's what I want to believe." Pearl said, stroking Amethyst's hair. "We'll figure this out. Together. As long as we're honest to each other."

"Uh huh. My timing sucks, you know," Amethyst said. She hesitated before continuing. "I should have waited until... um."

"Waited? Oh, no, no, no." Pearl understood full well that her time with Sheena would be limited no matter what would happen between them. But having someone like Amethyst go through years of longing was out of the question. "No one should hide their feelings for any reason, not even for one second!"

Amethyst couldn't control herself any longer. Separating from Pearl for a moment, she stared the taller gem straight in the eyes before jumping into Pearl's arms, but instead of only embracing her, Amethyst gave her a passionate kiss. Pearl didn't resist. She couldn't have pushed Amethyst away even if she had wanted to.

"I'm sorry... I didn't mean to..." Amethyst stammered as their lips separated.

"Don't apologize for _that_. And you _did_ mean it. I do know you too well," Pearl said. "Even without future vision, I saw that coming."

"From a mile away?" Amethyst asked.

"From a mile away, give or take a few feet," Pearl said. _Or maybe I just_ hoped _that it would happen._

"You know, P, you're in trouble now," Amethyst said. "Not just because of Sheena. See, I just don't fall in love with everybody. But when I do..."

"I know."

"So... will you share the chips with me?" Amethyst asked tentatively.

Now it was Pearl's turn to get misty eyed. "Oh, Amethyst! Yes! A thousand times yes! I will let you actually eat all of them, but the answer is still yes!" _I am in so - much - trouble now... and it feels so good._

-o-

 **A/N (IMPORTANT):** From soap treatment to a soap opera episode. Who could have thunk it? Here's some good news: the plot will improve right after the Pope gets married!

Today (02/24/2018) is the independence day of Estonia, and a (sort of) 100th anniversary. Congratulations! Palju õnne!

There's actually a real surprise in the next chapter: Garnet is going to disappear. Will the Crystal gang find her?! (Of course they will) _Ärge kasutage tervet mõistust, kui saame ülereageerida._ Or maybe the other way around. Stay tuned!


	25. Garnet disappears

**Chapter 25:** Garnet disappears

Reminder: In this chapter, Garnet disappears. But don't worry: she'll appear sooner than anyone can say "Garfield."

-o-

 **CAESAR**

[To the Soothsayer] "The ides of March are come."

 **Soothsayer**

"Ay, Caesar; but not gone."

\- _Julius Caesar,_ Act III, Scene I.(William Shakespeare)

-o-

As Pearl and Amethyst walked back to the Temple, the latter had a brilliant idea. "Hey, P?"

"Yes?" Pearl asked, anticipating one last make out session of the day.

"Pearl!"

"What?"

"Pearl, Pearl, Peaaarl!" Amethyst sang.

"You're teasing me again, aren't you?"

"Nope! Not this time." Amethyst sounded surprisingly honest.

"Then what is it?"

"Well, I read that when someone speaks out your name, it's the sweetest music you can hear. So... Pearl."

Pearl couldn't help but smile. So this was Amethyst being romantic... Suddenly Pearl realized that while she had known Amethyst for thousands of years, she would soon really, _really_ get to know her. "That's so sweet of you, Amethyst, Amethyst, Amethyst."

"Aww, Pearl, thank you, Pearl! You've got the chivalry flow in you. That reminds me... lemme get the door for you, my lady!"

"Why, thank you, Amethyst. You are a real gentleman... lady... quartz."

After stepping inside, Pearl was suddenly overcome by the newfound happiness and started hiccuping, tears of joy flowing down her cheeks.

"Hey, Pearl, Pearl, are you OK?"

"I... I'm fine. Thank you. It's just... You are so sweet... There is so much I want to say to you... I don't know where to begin..."

"You don't have to say anything," Amethyst said, offering a misused handkerchief to Pearl, who accepted it and suddenly burst into laughter. Amethyst tilted her head and looked at Pearl questioningly. _Did she lose her mind? At least she's not crying anymore..._

After having calmed down, Pearl explained: "Remember when you did the womp womp thing? I actually found it very funny. I laughed about it many times when I was alone in my room."

"Really? Get outta here!"

"Really! Would you do it again? If it's not too much trouble."

A mischievous grin appeared on Amethyst's face. "Sure, no problemo." But instead of shape shifting into Pearl, Amethyst slapped _Pearl's_ butt twice, albeit gently. "WOMP WOMP!"

"EEEEK! AMETHYST! Why you... you... You horrible, sweet, cute Amethyst, you!"

"HA HA HA HA! You liked it, you loved it. And you definitely needed it!"

"Grrrhhhm... I should have seen that coming. Hmm, I think we'd better be more discreet when we're not alone."

"Ohhh, you want to keep us a secret? Is it because of a certain pink haired human girl?"

"You're right. I have to talk with Sheena - she deserves to hear about us from me, and she should be the first to know. Ohh, how am I going to explain things to her?"

Amethyst shrugged. "You just tell her."

"I just tell her?"

"Yeah."

"Maybe I will, then. After I squirm and stammer and evade the issue for fifteen minutes... But for now, we say nothing about us to our friends. Not that I don't trust them, but all it takes is one slip of a tongue from someone and the entire Beach City will know about us."

"Yeah. I doubt Steven or Lapis would start spreading gossip, but Peridot might, heh. And maybe Greg if he keeps on drinking. Garnet is good in keeping secrets, but we saw what that vodka did to her."

"It's agreed, then. We keep quiet for now. Oh, I think we should check on Garnet," Pearl said, lowering her voice.

Pearl and Amethyst were surprised to find the adorably drunk war machine awake, sitting on the sofa. They hoped that Garnet hadn't heard their little conversation.

"Hey, G! How are you feeling?" Amethyst asked, trying to act as if nothing out of the ordinary (other than Garnet having gotten herself drunk) had happened lately.

"I feel fine," Garnet replied. "A little tired, though. So, you two are in love with each other."

"WHAT?!" Pearl gasped. "How did you..."

Using her pure aura, Amethyst tried to calm Pearl down. "Can't keep anything hidden from Garnet. She must have heard us."

Garnet was all smile. "No, I used my other senses. Even without future vision, I notice things. But don't worry, your secret is safe with me. But there's something you guys should know. First of all: Pearl, you're in trouble."

"Yes, I know," Pearl said with a heavy sigh. "And I know what your next line is. You're going to tell me to do the right thing and have an honest discussion with Sheena."

"Pearl, you must do the right thing and have an honest discussion with Sheena. Hey! I see you have future vision, too!"

"Pearl is full of surprises," Amethyst commented.

Garnet turned to Amethyst. "She is. You know, you're in trouble, too."

"I know," Amethyst said. "I'm going to have a cat fight with Sheena, is that it? Don't worry, I'll let her win if it comes to that."

"It's not Sheena you should be worried about," Garnet said, grinning. "It's Pearl. When she gets in the _mood_ , she's absolutely insatiable. Your quartz warrior stamina will be pushed to its limits. You will have to learn Pearl's delicate spots. Even with my future vision, I can't see if you'll be able to keep up with her once you two get tired of fusing and decide to..."

"GARNET!" Pearl and Amethyst shouted together.

"Quiet! Don't wake Steven!" Garnet scolded the lovebirds. Too late: Steven had gotten up and was now standing behind the couch.

"What are you guys talking about?" Steven said, rubbing his eyes.

"Pearl and Amethyst are in love. Pearl likes Sheena, too, so we need to be really tactful and supportive," Garnet explained, spilling all the beans without a second thought. It was now apparent that she wasn't quite sober yet. "And not a word about this to anyone! Not to Greg, Lapis, Peridot, Sadie, Lars or the editor of Beach City Post."

"Not a word. Thank you," Pearl repeated sarcastically.

"Not a word. I won't even update your Facebook profiles, yet," Garnet promised.

"WHAT?! I don't even have a Facebook account! What have you done?!"

"Nothing. I'm just kidding. That was humor; a joke."

A low moan escaped Pearl and Amethyst's lips, but Steven, with stars in his eyes, ran up to them, arms wide open. "OH MY STARS! I'm so happy for you! Group hug!"

"Yeah, what else is there to do?" Amethyst agreed. "You too, big mouth."

"Of course," Garnet said, managing to get up. She wouldn't miss hug time if she could help it.

-o-

Having said good night to Amethyst, Garnet and Steven, Pearl decided to skip checking her sword collection and instead try to get some sleep. Even though gems didn't really need sleep, she had a good reason to _dream_.

Pearl wondered if she would dream of Sheena, Amethyst or both. She decided that she wouldn't dream of Rose if she could help it. After reciting an ancient Lotus mantra, Pearl lied down on her Princess(TM) bed and closed her eyes. Perhaps the universe would gift her with some insight on what to do.

 _I must catch her,_ Pearl thought as accelerated her Audi Quattro Sport to 120 mph. _If I can overtake that pink haired girl, I can explain how 'cool' person I really am. We can then start courting. Oh, what's that? Speed limit of 60 mph? No need to slow down - the condition of this road is..._

Her thought was interrupted by the telltale siren of the Beach City Police Department highway patrol car. Glancing at the rear view mirror, Pearl saw the flashing blue and red light. _What the hell? Weren't they supposed to be on strike?!_

The officer driving the patrol car spoke into his loudspeaker. "Pull your vehicle to the side of the road!"

Since Pearl's car was a convertible model and the day was clear, she had the hood off, so she could clearly hear the command to stop. Of course, she had no intention of stopping until she saw the police roadblock ahead, where the men in blue had stopped another civilian car. Seeing no way of escape, Pearl pulled her Audi over and shut the engine off.

Wasting no time, the officer who had been pursuing Pearl knocked on her window. _Wasn't I supposed to be driving a convertible? Strange. Did my car shape shift?_ Pearl rolled the window down, trying to come up with a convincing excuse.

The officer stared at Pearl through his Authority Glasses. "Please keep your hands on the steering wheel, ma'm. Do you have any weapons on you?"

"No. I mean, I have my spear, but it's currently inside my gem."

The officer was neither impressed or alarmed by Pearl's answer. "I see. Could you step out of the car?"

Slowly, Pearl opened the door and stepped out. "Now what?"

"Keep your hands where I can see them. See that patrol car over there? Step over there, and my buddies will tell you what to do. I'm taking at look at your car."

 _This is so embarrassing,_ Pearl thought. _Steven and the gang will find out that I allowed myself to get caught._

Another police officer motioned Pearl to get in the backseat of the patrol car that had been used to set up the roadblock. As she Pearl sat down, the door was shut. It was then she found that the backseat was not unoccupied.

 _Ha! It's Mayor Dewey! They have caught Dewey! Has he been speeding, too?_

Mayor Dewey was indeed sitting in the backseat. Curiously, he paid no attention to Pearl, maybe because he was giving a long complaint speech at the two policemen sitting in the front: "Do you know who I am? Do you have any idea who I am? I'm a very important person! My time is very important! What do you think you're doing, harassing prominent members of the society like this? I am the mayor! I work for the people - for the good of the people! You can write me a ticket! You can throw me in jail! You can do anything you want, but I will never, ever accept your judgment!"

 _I thought I'd never be happy to see him. He's making himself look really bad right now, so if I just play it cool, I'm sure I'll get a lighter sentence,_ Pearl reasoned.

-o-

"Pearl! Amethyst! Someone! Wake up!" Steven cried.

Pearl's room door slid open and a very relieved looking pearl (Pearl) stepped out. _I'm glad it was just a dream. Me, Pearl, a conformist - Yes, officer - I've learned my lesson, officer - What a sickening thought! Next dream, I'll really show them._

"Steven! I'm so glad you woke me up. You see... Hey, what's the matter?"

"Garnet! She's disappeared!"

"Isn't she in her room?"

"She's not in her room," Steven said. "I checked her room after I tried calling her. She hasn't left a note, either! We have to wake Amethyst!"

It wasn't unusual for Garnet to wander off on solo missions, but she usually wasn't under the influence of alcohol. Maybe the vodka had impaired her judgment?

"That's easier said than done. Amethyst sometimes insists on having her beauty sleep and can't be waken easily. We can call the police. Oh, wait, they are on strike..."

"I know!" Steven exclaimed. "Peridot's drones! Pearl, you go and tell mayor Dewey to organize a search effort! I'll call Peridot so she can have her drones search the city!"

"Good idea! But I don't think Mayor Dewey is going to be of any use to us."

"Why not?!"

"I... I kind of broke him."

"Broke him? What did you do?" Steven demanded.

Pearl forgot about Garnet and started explaining how she had been stalked by Mayor Dewey and how she had finally been able to deal with him.

"I shouldn't have destroyed him like that, but I was so angry at him. Our date was going so well, and all of a sudden he has just has to show up and start bothering me gain. The nerve of that man! I was afraid that he was going to embarrass me in front of Sheena that I almost ended up doing it myself!"

"Date? Oh, I totally forgot to ask you how it went! You found your funky flow, then? You have to tell us all about it... But we must find Garnet first! Please!"

"All right. You call Peridot and I'll wake up Amethyst somehow."

Pearl opened the gem door and entered her room. At least there was a stable pathway to Amethyst's room she could use.

Steven, despite the grease on his fingers hindering him, managed to dial Peridot's number. A helpful answering machine answered:

"Hello, you have reached Peridot the Green Diamond and Lapis Lazuli the Water Queen's communicator. We are unavailable right now, but please leave a message after the signal. BEEP."

"Oh, that's great. That's just great... I guess I have to use the warp pad and hope that they're home."

Pearl emerged from her room, carrying Amethyst who was half asleep. The part of her that was awake protested: "Five more minutes..."

"No," Pearl said firmly, lowering Amethyst on the floor.

"Well, she's half awake. It's better than nothing," Steven said. "Amethyst! We gotta find Garnet!"

"And you have to help us!" Pearl added, pointing her finger at the sleepy Amy.

"Look, guys, Garnet can take care of herself..." Amethyst mumbled.

"If you need instructions on how to find Garnet, check out the enclosed instruction book," Steven concluded. At least that's how Amethyst heard it.

 _Am I still asleep?_ Amethyst wondered, but before she could protest further, the warp pad activated. She, Steven and Pearl thought they could recognize the shape emerging from the pad. It could be no other than...

"GARNET!" Steven cried out and ran to greet his square mom. "We thought you had disappeared!"

As the flash of light completely receded, Steven, Pearl and Amethyst saw that Garnet was indeed standing on the warp pad. However, she was not alone. Next to her stood Skinny Jasper, carrying several bubbles, each emitting a faint red glow.

"Hiya," Skinny greeted them. "Where do I put these guys?"

-o-

The appearance of Skinny (and a squad of bubbled rubies!) was a very, very good reason to call in a meeting with everyone attending, including Peridot, Lapis Lazuli and Connie. Peridot had complained on the phone that the meeting would put a dent on her campaign schedule, but in the end she agreed to come.

Amethyst, was happy to see Skinny. She ran around the orange gem, bombarding her with questions regarding the famethysts and expressing her disappointment that they hadn't accompanied Skinny on her mission to Earth.

"Looks like Amethyst woke up," Pearl said aloud as she watched Amethyst and Skinny share a laugh.

"You don't have to be jealous," Garnet assured Pearl. "They're just friends."

"I'm not. I know they haven't seen each other in a long time, so of course Amethyst is happy. It's Homeworld I'm concerned of..."

Steven and especially Connie were concerned, too. "War," she said to Steven. "This is going to be the war of our generation. When that squad of rubies fails to return to Homeworld, the Diamonds will send an army."

"We don't know that yet," Steven said, trying to cheer her up.

-o-

It was 15:00 pm. Everyone but Peridot and Lazuli had gathered in the Crystal Temple living room. The mood was tense, and no amount of unhealthy ice cream or greasy pancakes could change that.

Without a warning, the front door opened and Peridot stepped in. "Here I am! I hope you guys have a good reason to summon me here... oh... Who are _you_?"

"Hi!" Skinny said. "I'm Skinny Jasper. You must be Peridot!"

The Jasper was... smiling? She didn't appear to be a threat of any kind. But Peridot felt an odd sensation - an unpleasant memory? An echo of something that had happened a long time ago? Was it guilt for having hurled a chunk of metal through _the_ Jasper? _No, that's not it, that Jasper was a danger to us_ Peridot reasoned. _Besides, a victory is a victory._

"Why, I... yes, I am Peridot, facet... I mean, what are you doing here?"

"We'll get to that in a minute," Garnet said. "Where's Lapis?"

"I'm right here," Lapis said as she entered, immediately noticing Skinny Jasper.

Skinny's pupils dilated slightly at the sight of the beautiful water princess. "Well, hello there! Allow me to introduce myself," Skinny said, extending her hand to Lapis. "You must be Lapis Lazuli. Your beauty is a legend among the Zookeepers."

Lapis hesitantly shook hands with Skinny. This Jasper was definitely different than the Jasper who she had fused and fought with, at least in physical appearance. "Um, thank you," is all Lapis could say.

"I am truly blessed to stand in your..." Skinny continued, but she was interrupted by Peridot. "WILL YOU GET TO THE POINT?" she yelled, her confusion shaken off.

 _So that's how it is,_ Skinny thought. "Oh, but Peridot, don't you see that I was about to do just that? I mean, everyone knows that orange and blue go well together." She gave Lapis a wink but decided not to push her luck further, at least not that day. "Garnet?"

"All right," Garnet said. "Everyone, find a seat. This is going to be a long briefing, and time is short, so listen carefully."

Garnet looked at each and everyone before she began her briefing. During the recent days Garnet's future vision had revealed her that a squad of rubies would emerge from the secret warp pad hidden in one of the Giza pyramids.

Garnet had predicted Skinny's arrival correctly, and had left her a message, written in an Earth kindergarten dialect. The rubies could, in time, decipher the message, but only Skinny could instantly understand its meaning. It was a plan to distract and incapacitate the rubies. Skinny had wasted no time after contacting Garnet, and had poofed and bubbled all of the rubies one by one.

"Skinny, your turn."

Skinny explained how she had accompanied General Pyrite's ruby squad to Earth. Steven and Peridot gasped when Skinny revealed what she knew of Homeworld's latest plan: they had been ordered to investigate the cluster and force it to emerge.

"Which brings us to another matter," Garnet said. "Lately, I have had increasing difficulties in using my future vision. Conceivably, a nuclear detonation could create particles that travel back in time and cause interference, but I don't think that is the case. There have been strong magnetic anomalies reported by research stations around the world recently. These anomalies have caused birds to stray from their intended flight paths, possibly altering their behavior in other ways, too."

"I think Lion's been affected, too!" Steven exclaimed. "He's been warping in wrong locations recently."

"Maybe. But what's important is the cause of these anomalies. It must be the cluster. For some reason, it has started to stir again."

"Maybe it senses that Homeworld wants to force it to emerge," Skinny suggested.

Garnet shuddered. "That... That must be because there are some sapphire shards in the cluster. It's trying to predict the future. The mere presence of Homeworld troops is causing the cluster to react." Garnet clenched her fists, feeling _anger_. Or was it fear? She wasn't sure.

 _Sapphires, shattered. Just like She tried to do to you._

 _She tried, but failed. I'm right here. We must stay strong._

"I think we've got our work cut out for us," Garnet continued, having gained back her composure. "For now, we have to pacify the cluster and destroy or incapacitate the Homeworld scouts and battle fleet. The only question is how we accomplish that. Any suggestions?"

 _They want to destroy Earth_ , _so we must strike first,_ Peridot thought. Or were they her own thoughts? No matter. Slowly, she started to raise her hand, but Steven was faster.

"Go ahead, Steven." Garnet said.

"I think it's time Earth stood together. We must unite and fight our common enemy. Let's go and speak to the UN!"

A trio of crickets began chirping. Then, they started choking from laughter.

"UN? As in United Nations? Really?" Connie asked with a disapproving tone of voice.

"Uh... yeah?"

"Steven, United Nations is nothing but a self serving organization that can't really solve any crisis. It only documents them. In short, it's a joke!"

"Connie's right," Amethyst said. "Besides, if we told Earth about Homeworld, we'd be swimming in opportunistic collaborators, rioters and looters. Sorry, Steven, but what you're suggesting is not gonna happen."

Peridot felt bad for Steven for a whole microsecond. Then, she raised her hand.

"Yes, Peridot?"

"All warfare is based on deceit. That's what Sun Tzu wrote in his _Art of war._ I would like to add that all warfare is based on _destruction_! We have two choices. One: we blow up Homeworld, demoralizing the Homeworld fleet, and hope that we can pick them off one by one. Two: we lure their fleet to the other side of the Galaxy, blow them up, and then blow Homeworld up."

"I prefer option two, minus the blowing Homeworld up part," Steven said. "And it would be better if we could just disable the fleet or something." He wasn't thrilled about any plan that would include _gemocide_.

"I thought you would say that," Peridot said. "Before any of you asks how we'll trick the Homeworld fleet, I just happen to have a plan. It's simple, except that it's not: there's a vacant, unguarded star system on the edge of the Homeworld empire. It was meant to be colonized, but then the rebellion happened, and the colonization plans kind of got lost in a wrong folder. Heh, heh. All we have to do is to convince Homeworld that there's something interesting in that system, so they'll send their entire fleet to investigate."

"And that accomplishes... what? We delay their plans for a month, tops," Amethyst pointed out.

"I was getting to that! Obviously we'll either capture or sabotage this Pyrite's flagship and turn its weapons against the rest of the fleet. There's a single ruby ship on Earth's orbit, awaiting the unfortunate squad. Correct?"

"We're way ahead of you on that one. Me and Garnet already captured it," Skinny Jasper said, earning a small amount of respect from Peridot. Still, the orange gem couldn't be trusted to be left alone with Lapis Lazuli.

"And this time, we're not letting anyone steal it," Garnet said. "We must use its communicators to give a fake progress report to Pyrite in 3 days time. Isn't that right, Skinny?"

Skinny gave a nod.

"But how do we lure the Homeworld fleet away from Earth? Do we plant 5 billion bags of potato chips on the planets?" Amethyst asked.

"We could do that, but I was thinking of causing a supernova," Peridot said as if it wasn't a big thing at all. "The Diamonds will think that something big and evil is destroying entire star systems, and that something is eventually making its way to Homeworld! Nyahahaha!"

"Right. A supernova. I'm not an astrology nerd, but even I know that you just don't stick a needle in a sun and hope that it goes boom. So..."

" _So_ , I'll just have to create a warhead that will cause the sun to go boom prematurely. I have most of the equations already done. It's all in my head, you see." To emphasize, Peridot tapped her temple.

"I'd like to see some of those equations," Pearl spoke. There was a glow in her eyes. For a brief moment she felt impressed (or turned on) by Peridot's determination.

"Just a second, I'll write some of them down to demonstrate that I'm not wasting everyone's time."

Peridot was given a paper notebook and a pen. She started writing furiously. After filling several pages, she handed the notebook to Pearl.

"Hmm. I see. This is terrifying. It could actually work!"

"Of course it's going to work!" Peridot snapped.

Pearl turned the page. What she saw was not what she had expected.

"Peridot, what's _this_?" Peridot had written disturbing commentary - or whatever it was - after the schematics:

" _The_ _Ulmitate_ _Ultimate Weapon. The Diamonds will_ _love_ _fear me. No one can escape the long arm of a Peridot! Ed Sheeran is cute_ "

"What are you talking about? Gimme that!" Peridot took the book from Pearl's hands. "It's just commentary that slipped in there, nothing more!"

"Well, how about you finish drawing the schematics for your super weapon, then?"

"I might as well do that. Just a moment."

Nobody but Pearl had seen what Peridot had written. "Dude, what did she write?" Amethyst whispered.

"Something embarrassing," Pearl whispered back.

"Really? Tell me! Come on, tell me!" Amethyst begged, no longer whispering.

"Hey! Let me concentrate, you clods!" Peridot snapped.

"Well hurry up already, you... you... beginner nerd!" Amethyst shot back.

"Aaarrrgh! I can't do it!" Peridot cried out and tossed the pen and the notebook away. "I thought I had it, but... I can't _remember_!"

"What do you mean you can't remember?" Amethyst demanded. "We have a schelude, a deadline, a very important deadline, remember _that_ part?"

"I know!" Then, without any warning, Peridot's voice cracked. "I'm sorry! I really can't remember! I can't... It's as if someone put a roadblock in my mind!"

"Peridot, it's OK," Lapis consoled her, placing her hand around her barn mate and _companion_. "We'll find some way to..."

Before Lapis could finish her sentence, Peridot collapsed. Fortunately, as she was held by Lapis, she didn't fall on the floor. But this time, she hadn't really fainted.

"Peridot!" Lapis cried out.

"I'm... fine. It worked. It really worked."

Peridot pulled her iPad from her gem. To everyone's shock, it was playing Sound Garden's hit song, Black Hole Sun, an inhumane and awful insult to pop music. Before anyone could scream, Peridot muted her cell phone.

"A little shock erased the roadblocks in my mind. The Diamonds knew that songs carry a terrible power, so I forced myself to remember by blasting myself with awful Earth music. I now know how to craft the weapon. Ha, ha, haa!"

"Peridot, you're scaring me."

"I know, Lazuli. I'm sorry. But we are going to war. We will all be scared. But wait until you see Homeworld tremble!" Powered by her renewed lust for power, Peridot managed to stand on her feet again. She retrieved the note book and pen and started scribbling again. "That should do it," she said, ripping the relevant pages from the note book and handing them to Pearl.

"Behold! That is a sun shattering warhead. I shall name it Fenrir Mark Four!"

"My stars. Oh, my stars," Pearl gasped. Everyone in the room understood that their beloved little Peridot had just successfully transferred something truly monstrous from the depths of her mind to paper - only Stars knew what else she was keeping in there.

A warhead that could kill a star... It was the most unholy weapon ever created in the universe, second only to modern pop music and the cluster.

-o-

xxx INTERMISSION xxx

*beep* *sniff*

*shift* *nudge* *smack*

*poke* *eek!* *haha!* *Amethyst!* *shush*

*fidget* *ahem*

xxx INTERMISSION OVER xxx

-o-

"So, if we distract the Homeworld to another star system, how much time do we gain?" Amethyst asked.

"A month, tops," Peridot said.

"Then what? Once the Yellow Dork realizes that it was us, she'll attack Earth and nuke us with conventional weapons. We just can't drag the Homeworld fleet around the galaxy till the end of time."

"Oh, Amethyst. Forgive me. I forgot to mention that we'll use that month to figure out a way to deal with Homeworld for good. I'm thinking about capturing one of the Diamonds!" Just then, Peridot's iPad beeped an alarm. "As a leader of our current mission, I order everyone to take a short break. Besides, I want to see an important TV broadcast."

"TV broadcast?" Pearl asked with a hint of disapproval in her voice.

"Yes. Our schelude is slightly more forgiving than with the Earth drill earlier. Besides, a break is good for brains - yours included."

Pearl considered giving Peridot a piece of her mind, but curiosity got the better of her. What did that lovable little green shamrock gem had in mind, anyway? "Very well, activate the audiovisual signal receiver device," Pearl said, mimicking Peridot's speech mannerisms.

Peridot grabbed the remote control and switched the TV on. Everyone was surprised to see a combination of video footage of the Beach City area and CGI re-enactment of a familiar space plane taking off. A narrator was speaking with a very serious voice:

"Beach City, Delmarva. A test flight goes horribly wrong as an unlicensed, experimental rocket plane starts losing pieces as it tries to leave the atmosphere."

Then, Steven Universe appeared on the screen! "I was really scared. I thought that it was the end for both of us," he commented, clearly reliving the near fatal accident.

"Investigators are working under enormous public pressure," the narrator continued. "They have an important and urgent question to answer: what went wrong? If they can't find an answer soon, thousands of aviation enthusiasts around the world could be at risk."

"AAAGGGHH! Change the channel!" Pearl screamed. "Why are they showing that again?! Don't they have any new episodes?" _Still, I wonder if..._ she thought. _If I had the time, I could build a proper space plane, one with built-in plasma cannons and external hardpoints..._

"Whoops! Sorry. Wrong channel." Peridot clicked a button on the remote control. "Ah, this is it!"

Two gladiators appeared on the screen: Donald J. Trump and Hillary D.R. Clinton! They were having their first debate. Millions of people around the world were no doubt watching them in front of TVs and computer screens.

"So, Hillary, the word on the street is that your other son is a terrorist. A terrorist!" Trump accused his opponent.

"If you had done your homework, Donald, you would know that I don't have any sons," Hillary countered.

"Aha! Now you deny your own sons! Makes sense. Who would want to admit that their sons are terrorists? Elementary!" Trump argued masterfully.

"He's really good in this argument debate combat," Peridot praised him.

"No he isn't," Garnet objected.

"Yes he is!" Peridot insisted. _Why else would he be there?_ she thought, but didn't see the point of saying it aloud.

"He's not."

"Is too."

"Is not!"

"Is TOO!"

"Is NOT!"

"Huh, I'm out of arguments," Peridot sighed. "Garnet, I have to admit that you just out-argued me. I accept my defeat. You were great!"

"No, I wasn't. You don't understand. I..."

"Yes you were, and yes, I understand!"

Garnet considered the use of physical force. "Peridot..."

"Garnet, she's trolling you," Amethyst said. "Trust me. I know. Now calm down, let's just watch the debate... or we could switch the channel again. At least we'll know if Earth is really worth saving. See, I have an idea: if there's any new content on, we save Earth. More reruns and we relocate to Mars!"

"But..." Peridot tried to argue further, but Amethyst shushed her.

"I think both of them could have benefited from attending a debate fight club or whatever they have when they went to school. Especially him!"

"I was a part of my school's debate club!" Connie suddenly voiced out.

"AND...?" Peridot yelled, regretting it instantly. Everyone, including Peridot, had great respect towards the human girl.

Garnet put her hand very gently on Peridot's shoulder. The green gem completely understood that Garnet disapproved of her yelling at Connie. Perhaps a half hearted apology or something like that was in order.

"I mean, please, do go on, I'm sure we all would really like to hear your experiences in the debate club," Peridot said quickly.

" _And_ I just wanted to point out that school debate clubs are a joke," Connie said. "People either throw crude insults at each other, or just dissect their opponents' arguments with the intent of nitpicking for the sake of nitpicking. There's no real _debate_ \- instead of debating the actual topic, everyone just tries to score points by pointing out the opponent's argumentation errors, no matter how small they are. Oh, and if your opponent mispronounces a single word, well, then you just attack them for that."

"You just described the entire population of this planet, minus the physical violence," Garnet said. "What those two are doing is just the tip of the iceberg. The things I see... If Homeworld doesn't destroy Earth, Earth will destroy itself."

"Aren't you're exaggerating just now?" Pearl asked.

"I wish."

"Ergo, therefore, practicing one's debate skills is becoming more and more useless," Connie said. "The strongest argument comes from the barrel of a gun. Maybe I'm the one who's exaggerating now, but one thing is for sure: we are NOT going to save Earth with fancy words, diplomacy, love or the usual crap."

"Uh, how did you happen to join the club?" Steven asked, desperately trying to defuse the explosive charge hanging in the air.

"Because someone 'encouraged' me to."

"Your mom?"

"No, I did," Pearl confessed. "Connie, the reason I did that is because every true warrior must strive for..."

But Connie was in no mood to hear about how to be a knight that breathed and radiated honor, chivalry and other hollow words. She shot a mean look at her sensei. "Excuse me, I was talking to Steven, and I don't want to hear another word of your dime-store philosophy. No one does!"

"Connie! That is no way to talk to your mentor!"

"Go to jail! Do not pass go! Do not collect 200 dollars!" Trump suggested politely to Hillary on the TV.

"You heard the man, P!" Amethyst quipped. "Even a broken clock is right twice a day." Then, seeing how hurt Pearl was, she added: "Uh, I was just kidding. Joking. Bad joke. Sorry."

Fortunately, Pearl hadn't heard Amethyst at all, as she was still shocked at Connie's outburst. "But... You... After all I... How could you... If I was..." she sputtered like a broken steam engine.

"Oh, did you mean to say that I should be grateful for having to listen you drone on and on and on? Nope. I'm grateful to you for teaching me how to _really_ defend myself. I sure used hand to hand combat skills against my fellow debate club members. They put my psyche through a frigging cheese grater, so they had it coming. I put the hurt on them! It was a small consolation, but a consolation nonetheless. So thank you very much!"

"Connie, please understand at least this: you and your classmates are still young. When you... When they get older, they'll grow out of their childishness. Then you can have a real debate," Pearl said, having summoned some optimism.

"Roses are red, some listen to jazz. If you vote for Hillary, you inject liquid kryptonite up your..." came Trump's voice.

Pearl's eyes widened and she muted the TV juuuuust before Trump could finish his dirty limerick.

Connie pointed at the TV. "There's that real debate of yours. Why didn't you apply for the position of his campaign manager? Or Hillary's? If you really think that every conflict can be solved with reason and kindness, well... I don't know what to tell you, other than that you should know better. You fought in the gem wars, didn't you? Tell me: how many jaspers did you debate to submission?"

Despite Pearl's silent plea for help, Garnet had no intention of scolding Connie. Instead she gave a sigh. "I can still see him becoming the president. You know, sometimes I feel like we have all been warped to a different timeline," she said. "And this is one of those times! I'll go check that the stars are still placed correctly." Garnet exited the temple, not bothering to close the door. At least the night sky still did have stars shining down on Earth. That is, at least until Peridot would blow them all up to send a message to Homeworld.

 _I don't understand. What did I do to make Connie say those things to me?_ Pearl wondered. _Oh, but of course - I should really practice my listening skills._

The silence was deafening for Connie. She started to feel bad for her choice of words and especially her tone of voice she had used. "Pearl, I..."

Pearl had already understood what was bothering Connie. "It's OK, Connie. Really."

"No! I mean, I'm sorry. I don't know what got into me."

"Connie, we all are a little tense right now. I heard you say something about war earlier, and I'm afraid you're right. We _are_ going to war. Just save your fighting spirit for the Homeworld goons, alright?"

"Yes, ma'am!" Connie said and exchanged a salute with Pearl. "And thank you. You're awesome - all of you are!"

"Especially Steven," Amethyst said. "Give him a kiss, will you? I'll close my _left_ eye if you want some privacy."

"AMETHYST!" Connie and Steven yelled together.

Having cleared some air, the Earth warriors continued to watch the debate in silence, except for Amethyst who occasionally made a funny comment about what Trump was saying, trying to get a reaction from Peridot. But Peridot, although her eyes were open, wasn't seeing or hearing anything around her. Instead, she had willingly opened the door - or what was left of it - in her mind that led to a very dark place, and was now searching for a way to put the hurt on Homeworld. And she would succeed.

"So, Peri, did you know that Trump's original surname is Drumpf? Eh, Peridot?"

"Yes, Amethyst, I know that my name is Peridot. Now let me think! Hmmmm, the Apocalypse. I am stuck on Earth with both clods and people I kind of care about. Hmm... stranded... marooned... Different timeline... a familiar plot device. War. Mars! Mars is the bringer of war. Future vision. Hope. Despair. Marooned. Take a step back. What do you see? Lapis - she is so beautiful. What else? Water? A raft. A raft? Oh, my STARS! This is GREAT!"

"What's that? One of your great ideas hatching?" Amethyst asked.

Peridot stared at Amethyst, nodding and shaking in excitement. She switched the TV off without breaking eye contact. Then, she began reciting narration from a certain graphic novel she had just remembered:

" _I recalled the gas-bloated stomachs of the buried men, then shuddered at the idea I found myself_ _ **considering**_ _._ "

"Uh, what's with the Hannibal Lecter impersonation?" Steven asked.

Peridot waved her hand at Steven, but didn't blink an eye as she continued: " _Approaching the shallow grave, I began digging. My scheme was loathsome, but I had no_ _ **choice.**_ _Damn these gulls - fly away! Shoo!_ "

"Peridot, maybe we should take a break," Pearl suggested, genuine concern in her voice. Peridot had obviously cracked under all the pressure. Pearl felt a twang of guilt: maybe Peridot hadn't completely managed to come to terms with her exile from Homeworld. Maybe Garnet could have offered meditation training. And maybe Pearl should have been more supportive.

"What? Oh, no, I'm not tired yet. I must announce my plan to everyone first. Then we can rest. Fetch Garnet, would you? Good Pearl!"

Biting her tongue, Pearl went to find Garnet. Maybe Peridot would agree to rest after presenting her scheme. Although she couldn't become physically exhausted, it was clear that her mind was close to the breaking point. Or so Pearl thought.

Reluctantly, Garnet sat down on the couch. Since everyone was present, Garnet started explaining her plan.

"Dear friends... uh, Steven, could you please record this?"

"Sure, Peridot, but..."

"Thank you. Dear friends. Let me start by saying that we will defeat Homeworld. I want each and every one of you to remember that it is this moment in time and this living room that marked the beginning of the end of Homeworld.

All this time we have been sitting on the _real_ super weapon, one that was foolishly delivered to us by Homeworld itself. Yes! You guessed it! I am speaking of **THE CLUSTER**! **"**

Words fail to describe the shock that everyone except Peridot felt.

"I have connections. The Great Bear will help us excavate the cluster. We gently persuade or coerce it to cooperate. We adorn it with a combination of Earth and gem technology - I can see every single detail right before my eyes - and _then_... then we take the cluster to Homeworld. **NYAHAHAHAHAHAA!**

Ahem. Do you appreciate the irony? I hope Yellow Diamond will. She wanted her geoweapon, and I will deliver it to her. I can't wait! She and the Homeworld will learn that when you push someone around too much, they will eventually push back! There will be a rain of fire that has not been seen in the entire universe!

Let someone try and stop me, and I will grind them to dust and use them to fertilize the corn fields!

And GARNET!"

Garnet flinched. She did not want to hear what Peridot had to say. No, she did want to hear! _Make her stop! No, let her speak, it's just getting good!_

"Garnet... you were wronged by Blue Diamond, even worse than Yellow Diamond wronged me. You were so horribly wronged, your existence questioned, even demonized! We will be triumphant and then you'll receive a gift from me: I will present you necklace made from _the_ _shattered remains of Blue Diamond!_ "

Garnet mouthed something very quietly. It became apparent that she was not arguing with Peridot but with herself as her gaze wondered around the room. Her form began to flicker, and before anyone could react - and there was nothing anyone could have done - Garnet disappeared in a flash of light, unfusing into Ruby and Sapphire.

-o-

"We have discovered the most terrible bomb in the history of the world. It may be the fire destruction prophesied in the Euphrates Valley Era, after Noah and his fabulous Ark."

\- President Harry S. Truman, a diary entry about the atomic bomb

-o-

 **Author's notes:** A brief analysis of Pearl's dream:

Cogito, ergo sum. You see, Pearl's dream symbolizes the duality of her psyche regarding rebelling and conforming (among other things). First of all, every character one meets in their dreams is actually a reflection of a single or multiple facets of the dreamers themselves. In the dreamworld, Pearl appears as herself. This might suggest that she is at ease with herself - she's not transformed into e.g. a dragonfly or a black witch moth.

The police officers represent Pearl's acceptance of either authority figures or structured society, complete with rules, regulations and laws, or both.

Then we come to the symbolism inherent with cars. You already know what comes next, but why omit perfectly good paragraphs? There's plenty of space. Good! Now, the automotive vehicle which Pearl is driving is a symbol of power. Power can be used either for good or evil. With great power comes great responsibility. While Pearl feels that she is in full control of her newfound power, she subconsciously acknowledges that there will be consequences if she abuses it (by not following the speed limits).

The character of Mayor Dewey is very important. In the dream, he does not interact with Pearl at all, so it can be said that he is neither an object of fear or desire for her. Dewey is a representation of Pearl's rebellious side, despite being an authority figure in the real world. As we all know, Pearl was born as a Homeworld servant, and being a servant - the ultimate conformist - was all that was required and expected of her. Of course, she was trained by Rose Quartz and shaped into a fighter in both body and spirit, eventually becoming a rebel. Pearl fought against the authority of her native society, but also broke the ultimate taboo of fusing with a gem of a different caste. So, while her own dream self is willing to conform to the society's rules (she is on Earth rather than Homeworld, after all), she is simultaneously rebelling. Against what, who can say? The authorities regardless of their relatively benevolent nature? The circumstances which led her to be caught? It must be noted that neither Pearl or 'Dewey' attempt to flee, despite the latter protesting, so on some level, she acknowledges her fault and is willing to take responsibility. She also knows when to fight, or rather when not to fight.

A keen reader has by now realized that if it wasn't for the fact that gems are fundamentally different than humans, both in mind and spirit, Mayor Dewey could also be seen as a father figure, one that has lost the status of being infallible and all knowing. Even though he still holds on to his authority, he has committed a fault, as evidenced by the fact that the police have caught him for speeding.

There are two important symbols with additional meanings: the car and the spear, the latter of which is only hinted at but never actually shown, are not merely symbols of power, for they also symbolize the destructive potential of (male) sexuality. Again, gem and human psychology and biology are not 100% interchangeable: the word 'male' is in parenthesis for the sole reason of gems being sexless rather than male or female.

There must be an internal and an external balance. Get the balance right! So speaks the wise Candida Lepus. In my opinion, all this holds true not just for Pearl, but for every man, woman and gem on Earth.

Laws are meant to be followed, if they are good laws. If they are not, then the laws need to be re-examined and changed through the appropriate processes. **Civil disobedience** , in some cases, can be a useful tool to fix a fundamental flaw in the system. It must be noted that civil disobedience is not the same as breaking the laws for the sake of personal gain or spreading anarchy, as it doesn't exempt anyone from facing the consequences of their actions. Most importantly, civil disobedience is a _luxury_. It is not a viable option _at all_ in most dictatorships (see: South Korea, North Korea), which brings us to the next point.

Revolution (a fundamental change in political power or organizational structures that takes place in a relatively short period of time when the population rises up in revolt against the current authorities) is the absolute last option to solve a problem, and while in some cases it can be viewed as a justified course of action, not only does it often indicate that something has gone wrong in the process of fixing the original problem, but it always carries the risk of generating more problems.

A dream often provides us with a partial answer to the question: "Who am I?" This is nothing short of awesome, as the question contains countless other questions and comes with a stack of follow-up questions as a bonus.

In nocte consilium! All that being said, dreams shouldn't be taken _too_ seriously all the time. Sometimes, a spear is just a spear and a cigar is just a cigar. ซ.ต.พ.

This chapter is dedicated to **EZ PZ** , a pop culture critic and YouTuber. Also, special thanks to The Original Writer, the original "The Original Writer."

And now, the truth: this chapter ended up being something of a **complete and utter mess.** I was too lazy to completely rewrite it as any writer worth their salt would have done. But that's okay!

Coming up next: Going full philanthropist! Experience tons of lighthearted fun, coated with enlightenment and inspiration, distilled by thousands of years worth of wisdom!


	26. Valhalla

**Chapter 26:** Valhalla

Today is the international Speak like a German - day. In German speaking countries, this day takes the form of _Friedrich Nietzsche Tag,_ or "Friedrich Nietzsche Day." Therefore, chapter 26 is dedicated to everyone who celebrates this day.

-o-

"Der Mensch ist böse" – so sprachen mir zum Troste alle Weisesten. Ach, wenn es heute nur noch wahr ist! Denn das Böse ist des Menschen beste Kraft.

"Der Mensch muss besser und böser werden" – so lehre _ich_. Das Böseste ist nöthig zu des Übermenschen Bestem.

\- Friedrich Nietzsche: _Also sprach Zarathustra: Ein Buch für Alle und Keinen_

-o-

Had it not been for the threat of Homeworld hanging over Earth, everyone would have been more than happy to see Ruby and Sapphire. It had been quite some time since Garnet had unfused in the presence of the other gems.

Ruby was sitting on the floor, rubbing her head. Sapphire sat on the floor, face buried behind her arms.

Peridot's hubris had all but disappeared. Looking around, she expected to see silent accusations directed at her. Instead, everyone was staring at Ruby and Sapphire. It did little to calm her down, however. "I never meant to... I didn't want to..."

Steven knelt down next to the two small gems. "Garnet! I mean, Ruby? Sapphire? Are you...?"

"We are fine," Sapphire said. She glanced up to see Peridot looking extremely guilty, so she added: "This is not your fault, Peridot. Let's make that clear right now."

"She's right," Ruby agreed. "This is my fault."

It did little to comfort Peridot, who had fallen on her knees. "I did a bad thing," is all she could say.

"Hold it!" Amethyst cried out. "Nobody start blaming anyone or themselves now! Peridot was saying something about Blue Diamond, and we can't just pretend that she and Yellow aren't out there. They freak me out, too, if I really think about them. Which is not often. Look, we know what Blue tried to do. No wonder Garnet unfused, right?"

Ruby and Sapphire had gotten up. "Ruby, I'd like to talk things over," Sapphire said, neither denying or confirming Amethyst's theory. "The sooner, the better. If it's OK with you."

There was something in the way Sapphire said it that made Ruby's eyes water. "Oh, honey, of course. Anything that helps us sort things out."

"I am glad. We have learned something since the last time we unfused in anger, haven't we?"

 _Anger?_ Pearl wondered. _So, they're_ a _ngry at Blue Diamond? It makes sense, but did they also argue with each other again? Why?_

"Yeah, we sure have. I don't want to waste any time _not_ looking at you!" Ruby said and soon found herself in a tight embrace with Sapphire.

Amethyst saw that despite being unfused, Ruby and Sapphire were still as close to each other than before. It would probably not be an inappropriate moment for an Amethyst-esque comment. "Whoa, there! Get a room, will you?"

"Actually, that's a good idea. Thank you, Amethyst," Sapphire said. "Come on, Ruby. We can open the honeymoon suite room together."

Ruby, despite being red (not a communist, though), turned red. "It's not a honeymoon suite!" she spoke to the others. "It's just a room where me and Sapphy can talk, that's all."

"That's not all," Sapphire objected.

"Wait! How much time do you need? What shall we do in the meantime?" Pearl asked.

"I... I don't know. Strange. Something is interfering with my future vision!" Sapphire tried to concentrate. It was no use. She gave a sigh and continued: "You are our second-in-command, Pearl. You can fight with Peridot about who'll actually take lead. And you must go to the Kindergarten. Hm, these things do not have to be accomplished necessarily in this order."

"The database... The database is still there. And some other machinery," Peridot said, her voice still shaking a bit. "I do need to download some data regarding the cluster. I-I think it will be very helpful."

"Yes. You will also find an increasing number of scientific anomalies there. Rifts in time and space continuum. As my future vision is the way it is, I wouldn't be much help."

"Sapphire, please, try one more time. What do you see?"

"Very well. There! The Kindergarten... I see you firing your spear into the air... I... ahhh!"

"Sapphy? Are you OK?" Ruby asked.

"Yes... I just had a headache. I'm sorry, Pearl. I wish I could tell you more."

"But..."

"But nothing! Sapphire needs to rest," Ruby stated. "Come on, Sapphy."

Ruby and Sapphire walked hand in hand to the gem room door and reached for the buttons, opening a doorway to a room that was slightly different than Garnet's.

"What could I be firing at?" Pearl wondered.

"Flying corruptions?" Steven suggested.

"Dragons? Or maybe something that can climb. It could be a huge monster that can climb the Kindergarten walls," Connie theorized.

"It's possible. We must be prepared for everything. But I think we should follow Ruby and Sapphire's example get a good night's rest, now," Pearl said. "Especially you, children. Besides, if I have to fire my spear, I'd rather do it during daytime when I can see what I'm shooting at. So, we'll deal with whatever it is interfering with Sapphire's future vision tomorrow."

Everyone agreed with Pearl.

-o-

Peridot and Lapis crashed in Amethyst's room that night. The quartz warrior's snoring didn't really bother them as they lay on a huge spare mattress together.

"I think I have done a bad thing," Peridot spoke.

"Peridot, it wasn't your fault that Sapphire and Ruby unfused. Sapphire said so herself," Lapis objected.

"It is, though! But that's not what I meant. I have done a very bad thing, but I can't remember what it was and when I did it. All I know is that it happened long before I joined the Crystal Gems."

"Peridot, you were in Homeworld's service then. What's in the past is in the past."

"But it's driving me crazy, not being able to remember what it was! What if I designed the cluster? What if I shattered Pink Diamond? What if..." _What if I attached your gem to that mirror?_

"Peri! No more 'what ifs'. You saved the Earth, and we are doing it again. Together. We are the good guys, remember?"

"Maybe. I mean, of course we are, but..." Peridot said, hesitating a little. _A necklace made of Blue Diamond's remains. Where did that come from?_ "But all those things I said... It doesn't sound like something that a good guy or a champion of Earth would say, more like an evil, megalomaniac Green Diamond."

"In that case, I have an evil, megalomaniac Green Diamond for a girlfriend," Lapis said. She hadn't made the decision to stick with Peridot lightly, and she believed in her. She _wanted_ to.

Peridot and Lapis, silently agreeing that they should indeed concentrate on more pleasant things than past wrongdoings, pulled the blanket over themselves so they would be hidden from any curious eyes. Amethyst the loyal and ever alert bodyguard was sleeping like a log on the other side of the room, but it didn't hurt to have a tiny bit of privacy.

...

SOME HOURS LATER...

With one hand around the beautiful Lapis Lazuli who had fallen asleep with a smile on her face, Peridot skillfully took out her iPad and typed an email message with her other hand:

"TO: godemperordolan

FROM: greendiamond

SUBJECT: Winners don't lose frogs

ATTACHMENTS:

Hello, it's me - the Real Green Diamond. Something has come up, and it threatens the campaign, life, the universe and pretty much everything else.

I can't explain the details over email, but we have a huge excavation operation ahead of us. Could you use your connections and contact your acquaintances on the other side of the Big River(TM) to get access to the Misha fleet? I doubt other planeteering tools are adequate for the task ahead. The coordinates are in the attachment PDF file. The rar password is the same we agreed upon earlier.

Sincerely, Pepedot the Great"

-o-

THE NEXT MORNING...

"It's insane," Amethyst said as the Crystal gang - minus Ruby and Sapphire - hiked through the Kindergarten, looking for any signs of anomalies that Sapphire had mentioned. Lapis had taken the point and was acting as the eyes in the sky.

Skinny Jasper was guarding the newly acquired Ruby scout ship, ready to answer any radio sudden inquiries made by loyal Homeworld forces.

Amethyst touched Pearl's arm. "Hey, P, do you agree?"

Pearl was lost in thought. "What? Yes, I agree."

"So, are we really going to mess with the cluster?" the quartz warrior continued. "I mean, the it's safely bubbled. Why risk unbubbling it? It will crack this whole planet wide open!"

"Hey! None of that talk!" Peridot shouted. Even though still shaken by Garnet unfusing, she was quickly recovering, thanks to Lapis Lazuli's administrations during the previous night. At any rate, she had to be strong: there was much was at stake. "Do you have a better plan?"

"Well... no."

Peridot turned to face Pearl. "How about you? You're the smart one. So what would you do?"

Something about Peridot's choice of words or tone of voice made Pearl perform a very specific memory dump. "Well, obviously I need to make Sheena an honorable woman. Amethyst will become an honorable gem. I suppose Garnet can do the honors. I know that marriage is an Earth custom, but I'm sure you have heard the saying 'When in Rome, act like a Roman.' I'm going to need a bridesmaid or two. I was thinking about you and Lapis. How does that sound?"

Peridot's eyes narrowed and her jaw fell open. "That... That is not going to help us deal with the cluster or the Homeworld."

Connie's initial surprise vanished into thin air as her instincts kicked in. "Bridesmaid...? What about me? I'm your student, for Pete's sake!"

"Connie..." Steven began.

"Don't interrupt me! If Pearl is going to marry Amethyst and Sheena, I'm going to be her bridesmaid. Hey, I just had an idea. What if we arrange two separate weddings? No... that wouldn't be right... unless the second wedding begins as soon as the first one ends. But which one shall she marry first? Also: OH, MY GOD! PEARL IS GETTING MARRIED!"

"What do you mean, married?" Pearl asked. "Wait... Oh my stars, what did I just say?! Oh no! I... heh, I was just joking!"

"Huh. I have much to learn about Earth humor, then. Or Pearl humor," Peridot commented dryly.

"Yes, that's right! Besides, I was talking about Sheena. Not Amethyst! _And_ I was joking! Really!"

Even though Amethyst found watching Pearl squirm entertaining, she decided that it would be a good idea to try to steer the conversation back to the original topic. "Um, hey, Peri, can you give us some details of your plan?" she asked. "If you can spare a minute."

"It's simple. We select an extraction point, maybe in a middle of the desert and pull the cluster on the surface. Then, we'll install some crew cabins, thruster jets, FTL drives - we can replicate the technology from the ruby ship - and then use it as a battering ram against the Homeworld. No need for fancy stuff like null beams and such."

"Sounds great, but you can't just treat it like it's a part of a giant spaceship, can you?"

"That's where Steven comes in," Peridot explained. "He will have to convince the cluster to unbubble itself only _partially,_ perhaps gaining a small portion of its intended form in the process. But here comes the best part! If my theory is correct, and if I can find the research data, we can render part of the cluster completely inert. That's where we'll stick the bridge and the captain's chair."

"What happens then?" Pearl asked. "I mean, if your plan works. Are you just going to destroy Homeworld?"

"If that's what it takes. Unless we somehow make friends with the Diamonds. Either way, I can't wait!"

They were still a few minutes away from the Kindergarten laboratory elevator access when they spotted Lapis Lazuli descending towards them.

"Lazuli!" Peridot called out to her. "Did you find anything? Tell us you have some good news!"

Lapis made a perfect landing, but didn't retract her wings. "I'm not sure," she said. "There is something strange ahead of us, but it should be safe to plan our next move in this spot."

Peridot motioned for Steven and Connie to come closer. Once everyone had gathered around, Lapis gave her report: "I saw something strange as I was flying: a pack of seagulls vanished in front of me. It happened on the other side of the Kindergarten. I halted and waited for a minute. Then the gulls appeared out of nowhere, at the same spot they had disappeared. This happened a couple of times, and to me, they looked amused! But the last time they appeared, they looked alarmed and flew away. See that rock formation over there? The anomaly is right above it. I tossed some rocks on the ground, and at least they didn't disappear. It should be safe to go closer if we stick to the ground."

"Good thinking, Lazuli," Connie said. "We should definitely go and investigate this new gull mystery first. The ancient Egyptians believed that animals brought them messages from the Gods. There is wisdom in their thinking."

"Hmm, if we can figure out what scares and amuses gulls, we might be able to achieve a breakthrough in the psychology of all avifauna," Peridot mused. "It would mean that the entire scarecrow army could be honorably discharged."

"Right, let's go with that," Amethyst said, slightly jealous of Peridot's unexpected and completely unintentional sarcastic mumblings. "Even if Homeworld attacks Earth, at least we won't have to worry about seagulls. Yay!"

"Your praise won't work on me, but thanks anyway," Peridot replied. Nobody could quite tell if she was serious, sarcastic or completely absorbed in the mission and barely knew what she was saying.

For several minutes, they walked in the direction that Lapis had shown them. Every now and then they picked up small rocks, throwing them to see if they would disappear or turn into marshmallows. They didn't, much to Amethyst's disappointment. Only once did one rock protest: "Hey! What's the big deal? Can't an honest, hard working rock get any sleep around here?!"

"Sorry!" Steven apologized. "We're just trying to save the planet! I'm really sorry. I didn't know you were sleeping."

"It's OK," the rock said. "I'm tougher than I look. If it's for the good of this planet, go ahead and throw me."

"Uh, thanks, but I think we'll just pick up another rock and leave you here," Steven said.

Finally, they arrived at the rock formation. "Hey, do you guys hear that? It's like a lawn mower or something, but it's kind of distorted sounding..." Steven said.

"It sounds like an aircraft engine!" Connie exclaimed. "I've heard it before, I just know it!"

Pearl looked around, covering the sun with her hand. "Strange. I hear it, too, but there's no sight of..."

Suddenly, another flock of seagulls appeared out of nowhere. "There! Do you see that?" Lapis shouted. The buzzing sound wasn't getting much louder, but it did sound less distorted.

"It must be some kind of tear in the fabric of time-space," Pearl said. "Steven, be ready to summon your bubble. In the meantime, I'll try to get some readings with my tricorder." She summoned a gadget from her gem and pointed it at the invisible portal.

"Tricorder? Are you sure you can call it that?" Steven asked, worried about copyrights. But before Pearl could answer, the strange sound suddenly grew louder, and just as expected (all things considered), an aircraft emerged from the portal.

"Whoa!" Steven exclaimed. "Where on Earth that came from?!"

"I'm not sure yet, but at least it is from Earth. I can see that it's not a Homeworld vessel," Pearl said.

There was a loud boom, and the plane shuddered slightly. The pilot managed to stay in control and began gaining altitude, making circles.

Pearl looked at her tricorder. "Whatever gateway which brought that plane here just collapsed, if these readings are correct. Maybe the mass of the plane caused too much strain on the portal. Well, at least things seem normal for the time being."

The plane leveled off and continued flying straight. Then, for some reason, it went into a shallow dive, turning towards the Earth champions.

"Hey! I recognize that plane!" Steven exclaimed. "See those inverted gull wings? It's a Corsair! They were mostly used in the Pacific Theater in World War 2."

"Haven't they been replaced by now?" Amethyst asked.

"Yeah, but maybe this one is restored. The Flying Heritage Collection has all kinds of old warbirds. Look, it has the landing gear lowered. I think it's going to land."

"Landing gear...? That's not a Corsair!" Connie exclaimed, visibly alarmed.

Pearl reacted immediately. Thinking that they were in danger, she summoned her spear.

"WAIT! Let's just take cover, and..." Connie shouted, but it was too late, as Pearl fired a few blasts at the plane.

The pilot, however, managed to dodge the blasts easily. Instead of running away, the pilot centered his crosshairs on Pearl and pulled the trigger on his control stick.

Instinctively, Steven summoned his shield, encasing himself and Pearl. Bullets bounced harmlessly off. But the pilot kept diving, and to everyone's surprise, he struck Steven and Pearl with the landing gear, sending them rolling away from the rest of the gang. Connie, having taken cover behind a rock, got up ran after them.

The plane started climbing. Apparently the pilot believed that he had succeeded in taking out the ground defenses. But now it was Peridot's turn to shine. She reached out with her metal powers and managed to get a hold of the plane. "Everyone, take cover! I got this!" she shouted.

Inside the bubble, Steven and Pearl had managed to stay conscious. As Steven saw Connie signaling 'the coast is clear', he unsummoned the bubble.

"Steven! Pearl! Are you OK?" Connie shouted.

"We're fine," Pearl assured. "Where's our attacker? I'll..."

"It's OK, Peridot caught that wannabe kamikaze," Connie said. "Look!"

Peridot felt like she had once again saved the day. The plane was held mid air, with its side exposed.

"Steven, look at the rudder, will you? That symbol - do you recognize it?" Connie asked Steven.

"Is it a manji?"

" _No, it's a Nazi swastika!_ Peridot just caught a Junkers 87 dive bomber!" Connie shouted. "I... I never thought I'd live to say something like that."

"It doesn't seem to be carrying bombs," Steven observed.

"True, but it still has the wing mounted machine guns, remember? Stay alert!"

"Lapis, go see that the bubbled ones are OK," Peridot commanded, still holding on to the plane.

"I'm on it," Lapis said and went to check on them.

Peridot's phone rang. It wasn't the best moment for Peridot to answer it, so Amethyst mistakenly reached into Peridot's pants to grab the phone.

"It's in my utility belt," Peridot pointed out, causing Amethyst to experience blushing, i.e. the reddening of a person's face due to psychological reasons.

Having collected herself, Amethyst answered the phone: "Hello, you've reached Peridot Crystal's phone, this is Amethyst speaking..."

"Well hello there!" Donald Trump's voice greeted her. "Ha ha haa! You'll have to excuse me: I'm in a hurry, so I can't talk to _you_ right now. Is miss Peridot available?"

"Ugh... No, she isn't. She's wrangling nazis here at the Kindergarten right now. We're saving the world, you see. Would you like to leave a message?"

"Yeah! Tell her to call me soon. The word on the street is that she'd make an excellent vice president. She was awesome on Loco Coco's show. Makes me jealous, she does! That's all. Bye!" Click.

"Yeah, thanks, bye. Whatever." Amethyst put the phone in Peridot's utility belt pouch. "Geez, some people seem to get their kicks from acting like nothing can surprise them..."

Meanwhile, the Stuka pilot noticed that the engine rpm and indicated airspeed indicators were displaying very, very conflicting values. Without proper airflow into the radiator system, the engine would overheat, so the pilot decreased the throttle.

Peridot thought that he intended to surrender, so she gently started to lower the plane on the ground. She felt that she no longer needed to keep the plane in place with as much Force.

The pilot, however, alarmed by the unusual descent, set the throttle to maximum and managed to break free from Peridot's grip.

As Peridot tried to frantically get a lock on the plane, it aimed its nose at the green gem and started diving again in an apparent strafing run. Peridot made one last attempt to grab the plane, but it was too late. She couldn't outrun bullets and she knew it.

Lowering her arms, she looked at the rest of the gang and spoke: "I was well pleased with the land and the land with me." _What a perfect tone of voice I have!_ _A Peridot does not beg for mercy even at the moment of imminent shattering. Better me than Lapis._

But those weren't Peridot's last words, thank the stars. Amethyst tackled Peridot to the ground, covering her while Lapis took off to fight the Stuka. Curiously, the plane didn't fire a single shot. It was as if the pilot was toying with his food - something that wasn't a good idea in combat.

Lapis quickly caught up with the plane and skillfully landed on the wing root. She started hammering on the canopy with the intent of forcing the pilot to surrender.

The pilot slid the canopy open. Laughing fiendishly, he pulled out a flare gun and aimed it slightly above the forehead of his attacker. Lapis saw the pilot utter something, but his voice was drowned out by the roar of the engine. He lifted the flare gun a few inches more and fired.

Peridot watched in horror as a bright red flare knocked Lapis out of the sky - or at least that's how it looked like. The water princess indeed had stumbled backwards and fallen, but the flare had actually missed her. To everyone's relief, Lapis entered controlled flight once again.

"That does it!" Amethyst screamed. She leaped in the air, shapeshifting into a fearsome Roc. "Stand back, Lazuli! Just get the others to safety. Brraaak!"

"Did that monster hurt you?" Peridot asked Lapis as they ran for cover. "I swear, if he cut even one hair from your head..."

"No, he missed. I think he did it on purpose! Homeworld gems would have aimed lower..."

"Hmph. We'll see about that. Amy will bring him down!"

Steven and Pearl had recovered by now, and everyone except Amethyst took cover behind the rock formation. They watched in awe as Amethyst approached the crazed dive bomber.

Having shapeshifted back into her quartz warrior form, Amethyst managed to land on the same spot as Lapis had done earlier. With her hair flowing in the wind, she fired certain nasty expletives at the pilot and signaled him to land the frigging plane or she would turn it into a pile of dust.

The pilot understood enough... or did he? For whatever reason, he nodded in acknowledgment and started guiding the plane down for a landing. The Kindergarten floor wasn't the best possible surface to land, but Peridot assisted him with her powers to prevent the plane from performing a nose over.

As the plane came to a halt, the pilot shut the engine. Amethyst jumped on the ground and saw her friends running towards her. She had earned the right to bask in everyone's admiration, but as the others started to cheer at her, she shushed them, and turned to face the pilot who was already climbing out of the cockpit. He lowered himself carefully on the ground, apparently nursing a leg injury: one of his legs was encased in a plaster cast.

" _Donnerwetter! Wo bin Ich? Ist das Valhalla?_ " the pilot asked, removing his leather helmet.

"Uh... _Was?_ " Amethyst inquired.

"Oh. My. Stars. Amy speaks German!" Steven whispered to Connie.

The pilot looked around, ignoring Amethyst's question. "Ich verstehe; jetzt verstehe Ich! Ich bin gestorben, und jetzt bin Ich in Valhalla!"

"Was sagen Sie? Valhalla?! Nein!" Amethyst shouted. "Warum... uh... Warum denken Sie das?"

"Sind Sie nicht eine Walküre? Deine Haare... Mein Gott im Himmel! Deine Haare sind sehr schön!"

Although most of the crystal gems didn't understand much German, it was clear to them that the pilot had somehow become enamored of Amethyst, who in turn was becoming annoyed. Pearl, having earned her pilot's wings in the Bundeswehr Luftwaffe, understood German perfectly, but had decided to keep it a secret. She made a mental note to give Amethyst a compliment later.

"What's he saying?" Steven asked.

"I, uh... hold on," Amethyst said. She then told the pilot: "Sprechen Sie Englisch, bitte. Meine Freunde hier sind... uh, Amerikaner!"

"Really? Americans... But of course. They can be warriors, too. I will speak English, then. Your word is my law, my beautiful valkyrie," the pilot said.

"Look, I'm not a valkyrie! I'm a quartz warrior! And you better start explaining. Why did you attack us?! Oh, and your pistol - hand it over!"

"Yeah, I demand that you tell us everything!" Peridot chimed in. For some reason, she believed that she should take the role of the head interrogator.

The pilot slowly handed his pistol to Amethyst. "A few moments ago, I saw anti aircraft gun tracers coming at my plane, and... say, where is the gun? I swear I saw the tracers coming from over there."

"It wasn't a gun. It was a spear," Pearl said. "How about you start at the beginning - why are you flying that plane, why does it have weapons, and..."

"And where's the tail gunner?" Connie asked. Of course, she had a good idea of exactly what they were dealing with, but it was better to not lay all the cards on the table just yet. There was a possibility, no matter how small, that the pilot wasn't a human at all, but a Homeworld spy. Should his story have any inconsistencies or errors, they would bubble him.

The German pilot, partially because he still believed that he had died and ended up in the afterlife, saw no problem in answering the questions. He had woken up early, drank some milk and went to receive the first sortie of the day. The top brass had needed a volunteer to investigate a suspected enemy weapon that could make objects vanish without a trace. Retreating troops had witnessed gulls vanish into thin air above them, only to reappear a few minutes later.

"As for the missing tail gunner... I would never ask one of my men to volunteer for this particular mission, so I took my plane and ordered my tail gunner to accompany my wingman instead," the pilot explained. "Their job was to observe my plane from a safe distance. I hope they are unharmed. I would rather not lose another tail gunner. Clearly, me ending up in this place is proof that I made the right decision."

Amethyst couldn't believe her ears. "Hey, uh... What's the current year? Can you answer that?"

"I do not understand why you would ask me that, but I will humor you. It's 1945. I know that it is definitely not 1946 yet! Anyway, the clouds were low, so I decided to use them for cover as I approached the supposed target area. As I exited the clouds, I suddenly saw all this unfamiliar landscape around me. You know the rest; I already told you why I attacked, did I not?"

Lapis eyed the human with suspicion from a distance, ready to use her water powers. Amethyst and Peridot clearly had the situation under control, but better be safe than sorry.

"Be glad that you didn't hit Lapis. Or anyone else," Peridot cut in. Although Peridot understood that Pearl had fired the first shot, the man's smug holier-than-thou attitude and endless self confidence got on her nerves. "What you're looking at right now are Earth's champions. In other words, we are this planet's first and last line of defense against the forces of evil; we are the good guys and we deserve respect!"

"Champions? Maybe you are just that - you have weapons and powers beyond my comprehension," the man said. "But if you really believe what you said about being the 'good' guys, then you have never been in a real war. War isn't just a battle between good and evil - it's about _survival._ The boxing gloves come off in the frontlines. I suggest you memorize what I just told you, if you want to survive!"

"Grrrhmmm... There is some merit in your thoughts. But answer this question: You had me in your sights, so why didn't you fire? You speak of survival, yet you hesitated. Hesitation can kill you on the battlefield, you know." Peridot beamed with pride: she wouldn't let any human best her in anything resembling a debate.

"I must admit that I don't know. It was most illogical of me. I could claim that I wanted to save ammunition, or that _you_ hadn't fired at me, but the truth is that I think I heard a voice in my head, telling me to stay my hand. Perhaps it was Wotan himself that forbade me from hurting his daughters! I know that I could defeat _him_ if I wanted, but... I think I became _curious_ , and wanted to meet him and his offspring in person."

"Again, we are not daughters of Wotan any more than you are the son of Hades. We are gems," Amethyst said. "And this isn't Valhalla."

"Really? Well, let me ask you: if this isn't Valhalla, then what is this place?"

"This the Kindergarten," Peridot said. "A magnificent place, carved by the hands of Peridots like me. As it is, this valky... um, this quartz warrior here is Amethyst, and she was given life by this place." Peridot then quickly introduced the rest of _her_ troops. "Oh! I forgot: what is your name, rank and unit?"

The pilot lifted his nose slightly. "I am _Oberst_ Hans-Ulrich Rudel, leader of the _Schlachtgeschwader 2_. Good morning! Nice to meet you!"

-o-

"So, I guess I should apologize," Ruby began.

"I should too," Sapphire said. "I think we both know why we unfused. Why we argued."

"Yes! That... that... _Blue Clod!_ " Ruby shouted. "I refuse to say 'Blue Diamond!'"

"You just did," Sapphire pointed out, knowing that Ruby wouldn't take offense at nitpicking. "I am angry at her, too. Even angrier than you are."

"What? How can you be angrier than me?"

"Because she wanted to harvest you. You would be gone, while I would be spending all my days thinking about you and what could have been. Oh, Ruby, that was awfully selfish of me."

"I don't blame you. If I was harvested, I wouldn't feel anything, but you would feel awful. I get it."

"Thank you for understanding. The more I think about Blue Diamond, the more I want Peridot to shatter her." That was cold, even for Sapphire.

"Sapphire..."

"Please, let me finish. I don't _want_ to be angry. I don't actually want to shatter Blue Diamond. Neither do you, Ruby. For all your anger, you feel sorry for her, too. Just like me."

"No, I don't!" Ruby argued. "Why would I feel sorry for her? Why would _you_ feel sorry for her?!"

"She lost a loved one. We both saw her, remember? She was a shadow of her former self, unable to get over the loss of Pink Diamond. Still, for a second, I considered hurting her when Peridot was explaining her plan. I... We could have revenge. But she is already hurting. It feels like _I'm_ about to unfuse into two sapphires. I think this is one reason why we unfused."

If Ruby felt any sympathy towards Blue Diamond, she didn't show it. But Sapphire had a point. Blue Diamond had suffered the fate that would have befallen Sapphire had Ruby been harvested. In fact, the Diamond's fate was much worse - she had been very, very close to Pink Diamond, while Ruby and Sapphire had barely known each other.

"Hm. You said 'one reason'. I suppose you mean..."

"Yes, I do."

"There is something..." Ruby said hesitantly. Sapphire listened quietly, waiting for Ruby to continue. "The last time we saw Blue... Diamond, I was scared. I'm supposed to be a soldier! I shouldn't be afraid of anything!"

"I know how you feel. I was scared too. I even felt shame because of that. But it's easy to forget that everyone gets scared sometimes. Even the Diamonds," Sapphire reminded Ruby.

"Hmph! But I don't want to be scared! We almost failed because of me! We let Greg be captured. I feel like we let him and Steven down." Ruby let hear head sink. The floor pattern offered no comfort to her.

"We didn't let anyone down!" Sapphire objected, lifting Ruby's head so that their eyes met. "We were successful in our mission. We rescued both Greg and Steven from right under the Diamonds' noses! Also, we gained valuable allies at the Zoo. You were _awesome_ , as Amethyst would put it. Just like me."

"Do you really think so?"

"Of course. Not only did we beat the Diamonds, but we also overcame our fear of them. That's what real bravery is."

"Well, if you put it that way..."

"I do. Not that I would object to beating some sense into the Diamonds," Sapphire admitted. "Maybe we will have to do just that the next time we encounter them."

Ruby stepped a few inches closer to Sapphire. "The next time... I guess there's no avoiding that, is there?"

"I'm afraid so. But I predict that when that happens, we will be together. As Garnet."

Ruby's eyes opened wide open. "You... predict? Did you just use your future vision?"

"Oh my stars, Ruby! You're right!" Sapphire exclaimed. "The interference... It's gone!"

"Go on, use your future vision! Quick! We don't know when the interference thing comes back!" Ruby urged her companion.

"OK! OK!" Sapphire concentrated... and then she suddenly smiled. "I predict that we are going to fuse after this conversation is over. Anything else on your mind?"

"There is," Ruby admitted. "I made a Facebook account without telling you."

"I already know that... but thank you for your honesty. Really, what you do in your free time is your business. Just be careful what you post online, OK?"

"I will," Ruby said, relieved. "Um, I think that's all for now... oh! We could set up a joint account! You know, if you want to."

"I'd like that. We can get banned together! It'll be fun. But first, let's create a joint _fusion_. Are you ready?"

Ruby was more than ready, and so was Sapphire.

-o-

Connie whispered something to Amethyst, whose eyes moved from side to side as she struggled to understand the implications of a world war two era dive bomber appearing literally out of thin air. The fact that the pilot was a human, claiming to be the notorious Hans-Ulrich Rudel, made the situation that much harder to digest.

"Soooo... A rift between time and space opened between present day Kindergarten and World War two era Germany. Makes sense. Makes perfect sense! Pearl? Peridot?" Maybe the two nerds would reveal the obvious hoax. If it was a hoax...

"I'm afraid that it's possible," Pearl said, studying her tricorder. "Although we don't know why, the readings I got have much in common to what I've witnessed when Lion teleports around."

"I concur," Peridot said. She had always wanted to use the phrase 'I concur.'

 _I want to turn around get out of this galaxy. I want jello. I want to wake up,_ Amethyst thought.

"Ladies, young sir, meine Schöne Walküre, I have told you my story, and I now request that you answer a few more of my questions," Rudel said.

"Oh, the human is talking. Fine, ask away," Peridot said.

"Thank you. I hope you don't mind if I direct my questions to the warrior," Rudel said, nodding in Amethyst's direction.

Peridot, not recognizing the bait as bait, bit right into it and became angry. "What...? But I am a warrior, too! Are you implying that I'm not?!"

"Yes. You remind me of a leprechaun instead."

"Well you're wrong! I'm just as much a warrior as Amethyst."

 _I should always keep some popcorn with me when I'm around Peridot,_ Amethyst thought.

"Really? Then answer me this: what is the first casualty of war?"

Peridot bit her teeth together, faking a smile. "That's easy!" she eventually said. "That's such an easy question that even these _civilians_ know the answer. Um, guys?"

"Wait, lemme answer this one," Amethyst cut in. "The answer is full stomach, unless you enjoy horse meat with bread made of tree bark and some long pig!"

"That is not the answer I expected, but an insightful one nevertheless," Rudel said. "I now believe that you have fought in the Soviet ranks."

"That I did."

Pearl cleared her throat. "I, Pearl, a civilian, know the real answer," she bragged. "I once had a talk about this subject with Garnet. She said that the answer was 'future.' While she's not entirely wrong, the first casualty of war is actually _beauty_. There is nothing beautiful in war." _Although Rose was beautiful..._

"Isn't the answer truth?" Connie suggested. "Even Sun Tzu wrote that all warfare is based on deceit. Also, lies are often used as an excuse for the declaration of war, and history written by the victors may not be the whole truth. There! Hey, Lapis, do you have an answer?"

"Order, sanity and freedom, in that order," Lapis said. "Although that's three. Oh, well. Steven, you look like you're in deep thought. What do you think?"

Steven looked at Lapis. He then let his gaze meet everyone who was present. After a dramatic pause, he said: "The first casualty of war is INNOCENCE."

There was another dramatic pause which served to confirm that everyone agreed with Steven, for he was goddamn right. Nobody remembered to ask if Peridot had anything to add, but she didn't mind.

"If you have any more questions, we'll try to answer them," Steven said.

"Very well," Rudel said. "What is this Kindergarten to be exact? Where is it located? What year is it? You have implied that I have somehow traveled through time, so... Does Germany still exist? And what is the world like - have there been many changes since 1945?"

"Detailed information regarding Kindergarten is classified - all you need to know is what you've been already told. We are on American soil now. The year is 2016. As for Germany, I can definitely say that I don't know much about it yet. Note to self: learn something about Germany."

"Germany does exist," Amethyst said. "But we don't go there anymore. Silent moment, everyone."

Much to Rudel's puzzlement and worry, everyone cast their heads down and began a silent moment.

"What do you..." Rudel began.

"Shhh! We're holding a silent moment now, so be quiet!" Amethyst snapped.

They were silent for two minutes, after which Amethyst cleared her throat. "Now, where were we?"

Rudel wanted to know why the strange folk didn't want to go to Germany any more, so he asked: "You do not go to Germany any more. Why is that?"

Nobody wanted to answer. Pearl, after hesitating, decided to answer. "Because... the last time we were there, people harassed me. Things got... physical."

"What are you saying? I take it was during peacetime, so why would they..."

"Because of my color, that's why."

Rudel shook his head. Obviously Pearl was speaking nonsense. Why would Germans harass a gem like her? It made no sense.

"Now, let me tell more about the wonders of the modern world," Amethyst spoke. "If you want to find all the knowledge in the world, you can visit the Wikiperipheria. Too bad it's also a simulation of a bureaucratic 'democracy' that is caught in a petty ideological civil war over the most trivial issues, such as what kind of image to use in a frigging article about cats.

The Second World War has ended, but while we're waiting for the Third, we have several smaller conflicts around the world. Lots of work for mercenaries! For example, Skorzeny never went unemployed - maybe you know him? What's _better_ , the threat of Homeworld invasion is hanging over us like the sword of Damocles. Even though our Pearl here put it in her closet - she collects swords.

And last, but not least: Adolf Hitler, your leader - he's dead, by the way - would have loved 2016. You see, we've got this thing called DeviantArt! It's like an online art museum. No matter how crappy artist you are, you'll always get like 8001 followers, especially if you paint artistic nudes. Feel homesick yet?"

"Adolf? More than eight thousand? _Черт!_ This is a strange sensation. I'm on the ground, but my head is spinning!" Rudel lamented. "It's as if I was taking my first flight while drunk on goat milk. You... you speak like a jester instead of a valkyrie or a warrior, yet I sense no fundamental deceit in your words. Could you be an avatar of Loki?"

"I don't think so. But maybe," Amethyst said. "Anything is possible on this planet. Hey, want to hear a joke?"

"It can't hurt," Rudel said, despite noticing Amethyst's fiendish grin.

 _I'm sure it can't,_ Amethyst thought. "Ok, ok! Ahem, listen carefully. Are you ready? Oh, guys, you might want to plug your ears... That's good. Here it goes: Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!"

Rudel stood silent, completely dumbstruck. At length, he spoke: "Rats. Now, don't misunderstand me - that was a clever joke. Normally I would have laughed myself to death, but I seem to have temporarily lost that ability."

"Why? Is it a war injury that's bugging you?"

"It's not that."

"Well what is it, then? I just told you the funniest joke in the world!"

Peridot had actually listened to the joke. _I don't get it,_ she thought, but she did fake a smile, not wanting to question Amethyst's comedic genius.

Rudel looked Amethyst straight in the eyes. "Didn't we already establish that you have fought in the war?"

Amethyst nodded.

"Then you understand," Rudel stated.

There was another silent moment. This time, it was spontaneous. After the moment had passed, Pearl tried to lighten the mood: "Amethyst, I have to admit that I had no idea you knew so much about Earth, its history and culture!"

"Well, I gotta do something else besides eat all the time, so I listen to people when I'm eating. You know, smart people like you." Amethyst emphasized her reply with a wink.

Pearl almost blushed but managed to control herself, worrying that Peridot might start gossiping if she realized what was up. However, Peridot was occupied deep in thought and was in no mood for observing any Camp Pining Hearts-esque drama.

"THE CLUSTER!" the green gem shouted suddenly. "Sorry for interrupting, but I just came up with a theory! It's the cluster - it's confused and agitated, so it has been opening random time/space portals around the world. That's what's happened here just now!"

"That would explain why Garnet was having trouble with her future vision," Pearl said.

"Yeah. We didn't arrive a day too soon. Steven, you and I should go and get the drill. We must pacify the cluster. As far as we know, you are the only one who could communicate with it."

"I think we'd better hurry, then. Let's go!" Steven exclaimed. Together with Peridot, he started galloping towards the warp pad.

"Oh, and Pearl, you're in command. You and Amethyst guard our guest," Peridot called from over her shoulder.

Pearl and Amethyst fixed their eyes on a worried Rudel.

"So, am I your prisoner of war, now?" the German asked.

Pearl considered the situation. "Technically no, as there's no war anymore, but as you're trespassing without a visa or a green card, I guess that makes you an illegal immigrant. So, we have to keep under our watchful eyes as a... What's the term, again?"

"A detainee?" Connie suggested.

"Yes, as a detainee. Given the temporal risks, detaining you is for the best course of action until we know what to do with you."

"You could just let me go," Rudel suggested. "I am confident that I can locate the gateway back."

"Well, in order to keep the timelines as normal as possible, that would be a good idea. Unfortunately, the gateway collapsed shortly after your plane emerged from it," Pearl pointed out.

"So, I am a Robinson Crusoe, then, so far away from home..." Rudel said, kicking a rock on a whim. A jolt of pain struck him above the knee, almost causing him to fall. "Verdammt! Scheisse..."

"Watch your language, you brute!" Pearl snapped. "No swearing in the presence of minors."

"Pearl, it's ok," Connie told her mentor. "I know what _Scheisse_ means. It's German for..."

"Don't say it!"

Connie rolled her eyes. They were about to go to a war against Homeworld, and swearing was suddenly bad now? _Geez._ She motioned for Pearl lower her head so she could receive a whisper.

As Pearl listened to Connie, her expression softened a few degrees. Grudgingly, she addressed Rudel: "Hey, mr. human pilot... Is it true about your other leg, the one without the cast, that it's a...?"

"It is. You can see it for yourself," Rudel said and pulled at the remaining trouser leg of his flying suit to reveal a wooden prosthetic leg. "At least I can knock on wood wherever I go, ha, ha, ha!"

"I'm sorry that I called you a brute." Under her breath, she added: "I should have merely told you to be silent..."

"It's ok. 'Brute' is a fitting term," Rudel said, dusting his leather helmet. "Besides, I just got my laughter back. Did you notice? I apologize in turn for swearing; the circumstances are such that I forgot that one of my legs has long since gone home."

-o-

Meanwhile, Steven and Peridot had really rolled up their sleeves. Instead of reminiscing about the good old days (when the cluster was about to destroy the world - so much fun!), they had already fired up the gem drill.

They quickly located the old tunnel they had sealed. Breaking through the seal took some time, as they had built it to last for safety reasons. After that, however, the drill descended at a rapid rate, occasionally braking in order to avoid diving uncontrollably.

The last time Peridot and Steven had taken the trip downstairs, it had been Steven who had reacted to the mental presence of the cluster. This time, however, Peridot was having a much stronger reaction to the cluster and the overall situation than Steven.

" _We... remember... you... about... time..._ "

"Did you hear that, Steven? The cluster is calling to you!" Peridot exclaimed.

"Peridot... please don't freak out now, but I didn't hear anything!"

Peridot almost did freak out, but Steven took her hand in his. With Steven's help, she managed to keep calm, carry on and dig for victory.

-o-

"The airfield is below us. I see it with new eyes; it has a more homelike appearance than usual. There my Ju can have a good rest; there are my comrades, the familiar faces. Somewhere down there hangs my tunic and in one of the pockets the last letter received from home. What was it my mother wrote? A chap ought to read his mother's letters through more carefully!"

\- Hans-Ulrich Rudel, _The Stuka Pilot_

-o-

 **Kommentarspur:** The term Kindergarten originates from German language, literally meaning 'children's garden.' (note: write something clever here) Meow meow meow (Just like that!)

In the next chapter, ... Well, it's not like Mr Rogers is going to spawn out of thin air, but some stuff happens. Bis später, Hunde!


	27. Gibborim nephilim

Chapter 27: Gibborim nephilim

-o-

 _Aux armes, citoyens,_

 _Formez vos bataillons,_

 _Marchons, marchons!_

 _Qu'un sang impur_

 _Abreuve nos sillons!_

-o-

"How are you holding up?" Steven asked Peridot as they were about to reach the cluster.

"I'm... fine. I'm fine and not fine at the same time. I know this is important, and it's a great honor to lead this mission, but... Have you heard the phrase 'you will feel slight discomfort?' I get it now. Because that's how I'm feeling. Slight discomfort, times one million."

"We can go back, if it's too much for you."

"NO! We can't waste any time riding this drill back and forth. I can handle this." _I must._

Just then, the drill shuddered as it punched through another seal, immediately anchoring itself in order to avoid falling on the bubbled cluster below.

"So, here we are," Steven said. "I guess I'll just talk to the cluster and... um, what do I say, exactly?"

"Listen closely. First of all, tell the cluster not to unbubble itself. Secondly..."

 _"Not... him... you... listen..."_

Peridot gasped. There was no way around it - the cluster wanted to speak with her, not Steven. Peridot suddenly found comfort in the fact that Steven wouldn't have to experience the stress of addressing millions of confused and angry gems. Gritting her teeth, she looked at Steven, then turned her head towards the view screen. "I am listening," she said.

 _"Your plan... already... agree... the last piece... within you..."_

The cluster felt sympathy for Peridot, and while part of it wanted to give Peridot a slap on the wrists for serving the Diamonds once, they sensed that the former Kindergartner still had a rough journey ahead of her.

"I... I thank you," Peridot said. "If there was any other way of doing this, I would leave you in peace."

Peridot felt as if she was shaking hands with the cluster. "I guess we'll get back to the surface and get to work, then. Oh, and can you send that strange human back to his own time?"

The cluster said "OK _,"_ but as Peridot started to prepare the drill for the journey back, she received one last message, one which carried a word of warning... and perhaps sarcasm:

 _"Remember... Diamonds are born out of extreme heat... pressure... it is fitting... we salute you, Green... Diamond! Oh, and one m ore thing. Try to have fun. See you later!"_

-o-

Meanwhile, in a parallel universe where Peridot was a human college girl, absolutely nothing out of the ordinary happened. "This has been a boring day so far," Lapis, her classmate, said.

"True. Definitely not worth documenting," Peridot agreed. "Sometimes I imagine that we are some kind of alien princesses, blessed with superpowers. We'd go on adventures in space together. Fight evil and stuff."

"I gotta say that you have a rich imagination. Superpowers and space adventures would totally be worth documenting..."

-o-

On the surface, Pearl's tricorder beeped once again. This time, the time-space portal was clearly visible to the naked eye. "Looks like that's your signal," Pearl said to Rudel. "That portal is your best chance of getting home, so you better get in the cockpit. Amethyst can help you start the engine."

"Very well." To Amethyst he said: "Are you sure you don't want to come with me? The gunner seat is vacant, so..."

"Why would I want to come with you?!" Amethyst exclaimed.

"We could win the war and conquer the world together. We could then find the Grail and live forever together, and..."

"Not going to happen. I've been where you have been, and I wouldn't go back even if I wanted to, OK? Even if I did want to rule the world, I would still have to save it first, which is what I'm doing right now."

"Very well, my sweet, beautiful valkyrie."

"Just get in your machine already!" Amethyst snapped. "And if you call me a valkyrie one more time, I'll really send you to Valhalla or wherever you might end up!"

"Amethyst, don't!" Connie exclaimed. "Think about the laws of time travel! If you whack him, our history might change too radically for us to be able to beat Homeworld." _Besides, I got an A+ from my presentation. I don't want that to be erased,_ she thought.

"Fine. Let's get the engine running so our hotshot pilot can be on his way." Amethyst turned her arm into a makeshift inertia starter.

Within minutes, the Stuka was rolling on the rough Kindergarten floor. Rudel, ever confident of his flying skills, boasted that he could take off from much worse surfaces.

Rudel took one last look at the Champions of Earth, especially at Amethyst. " _Do svidaniya_ , _tovarishchi;_ Auf Wiedersehen, Kameraden! I will keep seats for you in Valhalla."

Soon, the aircraft took off. Hans-Ulrich Rudel, the old school troll and legend that fate (or something) had briefly turned into flesh and blood once more, wasted no time. He guided his plane through the portal, which lingered for a few moments to release another pack of seagulls before collapsing once and for all.

"Right. Pearl, are the timelines or whatever still OK? Cause I don't feel any different," Amethyst said. _Damn, I still fancy you..._

"We wouldn't be able to tell the difference, because if anything has changed, it has already taken place," Pearl reasoned. "I guess we'll have to hope for the best and get back to our current mission. With the anomaly gone, Garnet's future vision should come back..."

PLOP! WHIRRRR... That was the sound of the drill surfacing. Steven and Peridot's timing couldn't have been better. The cockpit hatch opened and the two exited the vehicle.

"Steven! Peridot!" Connie exclaimed. "What happened? Did you manage to deal with the cluster?"

"Yes, we did. That, and much more," Peridot replied. "Earth is safe from the cluster, at least. But I need to make a phone call."

While Pearl, Amethyst and Connie congratulated Steven, Peridot called Garnet's phone, hoping that it was indeed Garnet who would answer. "This is Peridot... Oh, you're Garnet now? ... Yes, we were successful. We're still here at the Kindergarten... Actually, I need you to do something. Bring Lion over. Every minute counts. ... OK, that's great! Bye."

It didn't take long for Garnet and Lion to arrive. Naturally, everyone was happy to see Garnet fused back into herself again, especially Peridot. But the urgency of the situation meant that the self appointed leader of the mission wouldn't have time to exchange hugs.

Then again, Peridot had always time for hugs, especially for Garnet (and Lapis). "Um, hello, Garnet. I must ask you..."

"No, I'm not upset with you at all," Garnet assured. She extended her arms, inviting Peridot for a hug. The green gem glanced at Steven.

"Don't keep Garnet waiting!" Steven said.

So, Peridot stepped closer to Garnet and embraced her without further hesitation.

"Whoa there, don't squeeze too hard! You're making me... split in half!" Garnet laughed. She didn't want to use the term 'unfuse', as she didn't want to remind Peridot of what led her to unfusing.

Peridot loosened her embrace a few newtons. "Oh! Sorry. Is this better?"

"It is," Garnet replied. Looking at everyone else, she said: "Well? What are you guys waiting for? We are in a hurry, so the sooner we get a group hug done, the bette."

After receiving her fix of tenderness, Peridot announced the next phases of the plan. "That was nice. Ahem. Now then, I'm sure you're all asking what the next step is. First of all, I'm going to use my connections to hire an excavation crew for the cluster. We are going to dig a hole - a very big hole. After that, lifting the cluster on the surface won't be a problem - assuming that I can make the cluster take form partially, so it can climb its way out.

The research data that should allow manipulating the cluster is partially hidden in my mind, I think, and partially in the Kindergarten control room mainframe databases.

Last, but not least, we need time. We shall buy ourselves time by distracting the Homeworld by blowing up a star, causing the Diamonds to respond to this new threat, as I've explained before. I was thinking that Skinny Jasper and Garnet can accomplish this part of the mission - naturally, the Ruby ship we recently privatized is best piloted by a ruby.

But before all that, I'm going to ask you, Garnet, to unfuse again."

Everyone but Garnet gasped. "I understand," Garnet said. "You wish for Ruby to contact general Pyrite's forces in order to..."

"That won't be necessary."

Who said that? A tall figure, dressed in ornamental but practical battle armor was standing with her back against the sun, her cape flowing dramatically. Oh Jesus...

"What do you mean, 'that won't be necessary?'" Peridot asked. "We have no time to lose, so in order to make time, we must have time that is... Um, in order to lose time, no... Arglegargle! Waiiiit a minute... Who are _you_?"

"I am General Pyrite," the tall gem replied. "And you must be the most wanted Peridot in the universe. Am I correct?"

"Yes. But beware, even without my limb enhancers, I'm still a force to be... Um, a force to run away from. What would happen if I tore your armor off?"

"It would be extremely embarrassing," Pyrite stated. Was there a hint of a blush on her cheeks?

"You're a big gem."

"For you," Pyrite clarified. She had called Peridot's bluff but made no attempt to attack.

Everyone stood in silence for a minute, then two minutes, then two more. Peridot stared at Pyrite. Pyrite stared back.

The staring contest could have probably gone on longer had it not been for Amethyst, who preferred to live in the moment. "So, how much longer does this staring contest last?" she asked.

"Did you come here all by yourself?" Garnet asked the Homeworld general, trying to hide Sapphire's existence and powers by asking a question.

"I did," Pyrite said. "You must be Garnet. A fusion." What Pyrite's tone of voice lacked was the typical Homeworld revulsion regarding fusions between different gems. "A ruby and a sapphire?"

So much for cleverness. Pyrite was well informed. "That's right," Garnet admitted.

"Good. Now that you all are present, we have some things to discuss. Shall we go to your Crystal Temple?"

"Do you realize that you have just become our prisoner? The only way you'll go to the Temple in a bubble!" Pearl said.

"Ah, so that's where you keep your prisoners. Good to know."

"I didn't say that," Pearl argued, attempting to patch up her slip of the tongue.

"Oh? In that case, we can go to your Temple without bubbling anyone."

"I didn't say that either. Why are you so eager to go to the Temple? Can't we just fight here? You and whatever troops you have hiding nearby."

Pyrite smiled. "I told you that I don't have any troops with me right now. I do, however, have some firepower on the planet's orbit."

Instead of giving away any more military secrets, Peridot suddenly found her carefully cultivated 'What-does-Marcellus-Wallace-look-like' - voice. "Answer the question!" she suggested.

"Very well. I have heard that there's a certain statue there. One that depicts a fusion. It is a sight I wish to see and memorize. After that, we can talk."

Nobody said a word for a moment. Then, Steven piped up. "Guys! Look at Lion!"

"Awww, isn't he cute!" Amethyst said.

"No, that's not it," Connie said. "I mean, he is cute, but... Hey, Pyrite! Will you give us your word that you won't try to imprison or shatter anyone if we agree?"

"If that's what it takes, yes. But I won't be surrendering my weapons, and I am not letting you imprison me. Those are _my_ terms."

To the Crystal Gems' puzzlement, Lion didn't shake his head.

"I suggest we agree to her terms," Connie said. _For now..._

Garnet understood. "Very well, Pyrite. The warp pad is that way. Let's go," she said.

-o-

"All right, you've seen the statue. In fact, you've been staring at it for 15 minutes now. Would you now please explain why you _didn't_ attack us?" Pearl asked.

"It's beautiful," Pyrite replied. That had been her initial comment on seeing the fusion statue. "That... is what fusion should be like. Beautiful, yet practical. Just like you... rebels. Especially _your_ Garnet."

"I suppose you didn't you come all this way just to flatter me," Garnet said.

"No. I'm just stating the facts - you are the ultimate war machine. A ruby - a fearless foot soldier, providing combat ability. A sapphire, allowing you to predict your opponent's moves, at least on a strategic level."

"I admit that this particular combination has served us well, but I was ultimately born out of love, not out of desire to be the ultimate war machine."

"Love or not, you became stronger than the sum of your parts. Much stronger. You've taken down a jasper, haven't you? _The_ Jasper?"

Garnet nodded.

"I thought so. I believe that Homeworld could have squashed your rebellion a long time ago, had different fusions been allowed or even encouraged. It would have been practical, and denying such fusions was a decision fueled by _emotion._ The Diamonds... They are ruining Homeworld by sticking onto old customs, old ideas. And when they try to create something new, they get it wrong. They get it all wrong. Gems that can't summon weapons, equipped with enhancers instead..."

"It was a necessity at the time," Peridot pointed out.

"Maybe. But there are things that Diamond authority has done that cannot be justified." Pyrite clenched her fists.

"Corruption... and the cluster," Steven said. "Those things bother you too, don't they?"

"That is an understatement, but yes, they do bother me," Pyrite said, happy that the Crystal Gems understood her. "At first, I thought that the cluster would replace my entire gem caste. What use does a general have if the Diamond authority can simply send the cluster to destroy or threaten its enemies?

I was sent here to awaken the cluster. I think you already knew that. I would rather not have the cluster awaken, so... Are you willing to discuss an alliance?"

It sounded too good to be true. Peridot was the first to ask the questions that needed to be asked. "And why should we trust you? Are you just going to help us overthrow the Diamond authority?"

"If it comes to that, yes. I hope not. But the rebellion started by Rose Quartz was just a beginning - if it could happen here, it could happen somewhere else. Another colony - perhaps in ten thousand years time. What would happen then? Another Diamond gets shattered by a rogue quartz? More shattered soldiers, too? Pink Diamond is gone, and we still don't have plans to create a new one. Unthinkable! Blue Diamond is... She is not well. And Yellow Diamond is bent on revenge, even though she is otherwise functional. As for White... I wonder if she has already died of shame.

Homeworld needs to be shown a new way to survive. Otherwise, we will tear ourselves apart. We got lucky the first time, but luck has a tendency to run out."

"Well spoken," Peridot said. "I mean, bravo! According to you, betrayal is loyalty. Excuse us if we don't believe you. Who could trust a traitor?"

"I am no traitor!" Pyrite shouted. Had Peridot managed to punch through her armor? "I... My troops - they are loyal to me, and I am loyal to them. Some of my troops are in that cluster! I will not leave anyone behind. I wish to see them either restored... or the cluster destroyed, so that... so that they can sleep forever and rest. Now take a look at your familiar - you are using it as a lie detector, aren't you? Just look at it and tell me if I'm lying!"

Lion sat on the ground. He let out a low grumble, as if he was feeling sorry for the cluster... and for Pyrite.

"It could take us years, maybe centuries to come up with a way to unfuse the cluster into healthy gems," Garnet said. "Same goes for a working cure for corruption, even though we have some ideas on how to fix it. Unless..."

"Unless we can get the Diamonds to give the Homeworld's research data to us!" Pearl said. "I'm sure they have some idea as to how to reverse the clusterification process and the corruption!"

"Maybe we could just ask the Diamonds for help nicely?" Amethyst quipped.

"Heh. We just might do that. With the cluster on Homeworld orbit," Peridot said. "Very well. I guess that makes us allies, Pyrite. Welcome to Earth!"

"Hold on," Pyrite said. "I'm glad that I have proven myself to you. Now, you rebels must prove yourself to me. Garnet, I challenge you to a duel!"

"WHAT?" everyone but Garnet exclaimed.

"You heard me. Whenever you're ready!"

"Now you hold on! Why do you want to fight with Garnet now?" Steven asked.

"It's simple. First of all, if I am bested by the strongest fighter of the rebellion, it proves that Homeworld's bias towards mixed fusions is illogical and outdated. If I win, then _I_ will become your leader and decide the fate of the cluster!"

"But what if you get shattered?"

"That is a risk that all warriors must accept."

"This isn't a gem measuring contest! This is about Earth, you... you... Homeworld clod!" Amethyst said.

Peridot nodded approvingly. Amethyst had used the word 'clod' correctly.

"Amethyst, it's OK. Pyrite, you won't be fighting against Garnet," Steven said. "Our real champion is in the Temple. Just give us a second and we'll go get her... I mean, him... I mean, them, and you'll have your fight! Connie?"

"What? Oh. Right! Let's go!" Connie said. They would give the Homeworld general a surprise or two.

Before Garnet could object, Steven and Connie had disappeared inside the Temple. "They are going to... fuse?" Peridot whispered to Garnet.

Amethyst heard it, too. "No, they are retrieving the minigun and the ammo. Pfft, of course they're going to fuse - what else? I just hope that Stevonnie can beat this Homeworld terror so we won't have to."

Amethyst was right. Although Steven and Connie were tempted to grab the minigun, they fused into Stevonnie instead.

The Temple door opened with a creak. Stevonnie, taking her time, walked out of the Temple, stretching her arms and yawning, giving the impression that she had just woken up.

"A human? Just one?" Pyrite said. "Surely this isn't your champion? Because it looks like this will be nothing more than warm up match. Are you..."

But Pyrite never got to finish the sentence. Stevonnie started rushing at her, all traces of sleepiness gone. _Not a very good surprise attack from this distance, but she does mean business_ , Pyrite thought as she quickly summoned her double bladed war staff. _Let's see if she can even block a basic swing!_

Pyrite swung her staff from left to right, narrowly dodging Stevonnie's attack. A flash of light momentarily blinded her. Where did the human warrior had gone? Pyrite was sure that her swing was on target, but she had felt no resistance as the blade had cut through her opponent. Or had it?

Looking down, Pyrite saw the boy from earlier at her feet, holding a shield. _A fusion? Impossible! NO, obviously not impossible..._ Where was the girl, then?

*Poke!*

Pyrite felt something sharp poke her back.

"I have found a weak spot in your armor, so yield!" Connie said, holding Rose's sword against Pyrite's form.

"Never."

Without showing any hesitation, Connie thrust the sword through the general, poofing her. Pieces of armor clunked on the ground, and as a finishing touch, Pyrite's gem, still intact, rolled out from her chest armor onto the sand. Steven picked up the gem carefully and bubbled it.

"CONNIE! Why did you poof her?!" Pearl shouted, running at the now empty set of armor.

"Do you really need to ask me that? Fine, I'll explain."

"We'd better listen, P," Amethyst said. "She just took out a Homeworld general."

"Just a second," Peridot said, stepping closer. "Steven, Connie, I want you to collect each piece of Pyrite's armor and stash them in a safe place."

Steven and Connie nodded. Steven understood why Peridot cared about Pyrite's belongings, and made a mental note to praise the green gem for being considerate. He handed the bubbled Pyrite to Amethyst and carried the armor to the Temple.

Once they had returned to the beach, Connie spoke up: "All right, we've collected every piece of Pyrite's armor. Now then... I poofed her because she refused to yield. She's a warrior - as long as she can fight, she will. It wasn't going to be over until it would be over. Steven?"

"When we fused into Stevonnie, we talked about trust. Sometimes when you trust someone too much, it comes back to bite you in the butt! Although Pyrite didn't exactly lie to us, Lion only recognizes spoken lies, not lies of omission," Steven explained. "Now, raise your hands if you think Pyrite is holding something back!"

Peridot and Connie quickly raised their hands, soon followed by Garnet and Lapis. Pearl looked doubtful. Had Pyrite tried to deceive them?

"Pearl, you can raise your hand," Garnet said. "I know that a Homeworld general defecting to our side is something to be excited about, but we should be careful all the same."

Pearl sighed heavily. Lowering hear head, she raised her hand.

"Great! Now we unbubble her and start the information extraction!" Peridot commanded. "And I get to do it!"

"Um, yes to the first part, no to the second part," Steven said. "Let's just first listen to what she has to say."

"And then we extract information from her, right?" Peridot asked.

"No. Yes. I mean, no! I don't like the sound of 'extracting'. Look, we want her help, but she wants our help, too. She wasn't lying about the cluster part. She's at our mercy, so we have enough leverage over her already! Besides, don't you think that everyone deserves a chance?"

"What? Oh. Oh! I see your point," Peridot agreed.

Steven unbubbled Pyrite.

"Well? Why isn't she reforming?" Steven wondered.

"Oh, rats!" Connie said. "We forgot to ask long does it take for her kind to reform!"

"She's a warrior. It shouldn't take too long," Peridot reasoned. "I say we resume our mission in the meantime. I'm going to the Kindergarten control room to extract some data, if nobody objects to that. Amy, Lazuli... actually, Lapis, this part might be very uncomfortable. I can't order you to accompany me, so if you'd rather stay here..."

"I'm coming with you," said Lapis steadfastly.

"Great! Let's go, then." After taking a few steps, Peridot suddenly halted. "Oh, Amy, do you have the zebra roast nearby?" She had promised some zebra to Lion, and she wanted to keep her promises, apocalypse be damned. "It's about time Lion got the treat I promised him."

"Uh, well, about that, you see...," Amethyst mumbled, scratching the back of her head. "I _do_ have it nearby, but..."

Peridot put two and two together and got a zero, because there was obviously zero pounds left. "You ate it, didn't you? By the mother of all clods, you ate Lion's zebra! Aaargh!"

"You didn't say it was for Lion!" Amethyst defended herself. "Look, Dot, I'm sorry..."

"Don't apologize to me, apologize to Lion! Go on, I'm waiting!"

Amethyst sighed and walked up to Lion. "Lion? Hey, Lion... I ate your zebra. Um... Sorry about that. I'll buy you something the first chance I get, OK?"

Lion appreciated Amethyst's honesty, so he headbutted Amethyst gently.

"Awww, Lion, you're my best friend, aren't you? You're everybody's best friend! I'm sorry that big'ol mean Amethyst ate your zebra. All right, then, I gotta go. Go bug Pearl! She absolutely adores you."

"Ugh, I don't care about Lion _that_ much," Pearl said.

Lion shook his head and let out his best imitation of a meow.

-o-

Author's notes:

How to make last minute edits to a chapter: 1) Select a paragraph that doesn't work. 2) Delete it 3) Spell & grammer for checking 4) Frustration

Totally Random World Trivia - Dictatorship Special: In South Korea, citizens at the age of 18 are required by law to submit a set of fingerprints, all 10 fingers, to a state registry. Those who refuse are essentially treated as second class citizens (i.e. criminals): they cannot obtain a visa or a driver's license and have a hard time getting an honest job.

You read it correctly - that was about _South_ Korea. This bizarre, oppressive law is one of the reasons why South Korea is an inhospitable place for gems (not to mention humans); gems don't even have fingerprints.


	28. I've been thinking about you

**Chapter 28:** I've been thinking about you

-o-

"You were not put on this Earth to try to be empty inside;

If you give away your capability to correct the spiritual dimension, you might as well confront roller coasters."

\- The Book of the Star Man, 2:1-2

"When faced with two choices, always take the third." - Tengri saying

-o-

Pearl's phone started to vibrate and play some wedding music. "What the...? Who changed my ringtone?" Pearl exclaimed. "And what's with this background image?!"

"Dude, just answer it! It could be Sheena!" Amethyst said with a grin.

Pearl immediately understood that finding out the culprit could wait, even though she (correctly) guessed that it was Amethyst who had been messing with her phone. "Hello, this is Pearl."

"Yo, Pearl. It's me," the caller said. It was Sheena!

"Oh, hi there! How... how are you doing?"

"I'm fine," Sheena said. "But why haven't you returned my calls lately? Everything OK with you?"

On one hand, Pearl had been preoccupied with making plans for thwarting Homeworld's latest scheme - the usual stuff for a Crystal Gem - so it was understandable why she had been neglecting Sheena. On the other, she was still being slightly clueless when it came to Earth customs and realities: humans simply couldn't wait for 500 years for a call and not think that something wasn't right, especially after what seemed to be a successful first date.

"Oh! Sorry! Everything is just fine! It's just that I've been busy with, uh... mechanical stuff and everything!"

"Mechanical stuff?" Sheena asked. That, combined with the super cliched 'everything is just fine' line didn't exactly inspire much confidence.

Lion nudged against Pearl.

"Oh, excuse me, I have to shoo Lion off... Shoo! Go on!"

"Lion? What are you talking about?" There was a hint of frustration in Sheena's voice. She hadn't seen Lion, and Pearl hadn't exactly managed to explain things to Sheena. "Look, if you're trying to avoid me, just say so, and I'll leave you in peace."

"What? NO! Sheena, I... I'm sorry, I... um, eh, uh..."

"She's choking again," Garnet observed. "Steven? Why don't you help her?"

"Yes! I know exactly what to say! Hey, Pearl..." Steven whispered in Pearl's ear, but instead of suggesting that she respond to Sheena with a litany of assurances, he gave her quite different advice.

Pearl looked at Steven with a thankful look and nodded. "Sheena, where are you right now?" she asked.

"Just across the Blue Oyster Bar," Sheena replied. "Where are you?"

"Never mind that. Just don't go anywhere, OK? I'll be there in a nanosecond!"

Sheena gave a chuckle. Apparently, Pearl just needed to be reminded that someone was indeed missing her. "Heh, okay then. See you soon!" They both hung up.

"Lion, would you please come back here? Aww, there's a good kitty!"

Pearl hopped gracefully on Lion's back. "Thank you, Steven! Lion, Blue Oyster Bar, please!"

Lion, with Pearl on his back, accelerated to warp speed and soon disappeared into the ether.

-o-

Donald Trump thought he had dominated the TV debate, and so did his supporters. He had forgotten to check his emails that evening. Oh well. Better late than never... "Hm... let's see: praise, criticism, spam, lobbyists... already? That's a good sign. Spam, more spam, sausages, invitation from the king of Iceland... Ah, here's one from my future vice president!"

Donald read the email carefully. _Something has come up, and it threatens the campaign, life, the universe and pretty much everything else..._

Had the message come from anyone else but Peridot, he would have dismissed it as madman's ramblings. But these gems or whatever these aliens were _knew_ things, even more so than the Russians. As Peridot had promised, the attachment file contained the coordinates where she wanted the Mishas to be delivered.

"Funny... it is indeed the Russians who still have some Mishas. It figures: their running costs are on the heavy side. Well, time to make a call."

Trump took his third iPhone and dialed in a number. A foreign number!

"Well hellooooo there, Mr. soon-to-be-American president! How are you, how are your wife and your children?" a voice said.

"Hello, yourself, pile driver guy. We're all doing great, I tell you. And how are you?"

"How nice of you to ask! We manage, we manage. Hm, judging from your voice, you are in a great hurry. How can I help you?"

"Well, I'm not exactly in a great hurry. Moderate hurry, tops. But you know what they say: time is money, so yeah, we can get down to brass tacks. The Misha fleet - could you lend a portion of it? You see, a friend of mine got this landscaping contract, and..."

"Let me just stop you there. I can't exactly _lend_ the Mishas, especially with all these laws and regulations... They _are_ military grade machines, _da_? On top of all the arrangements, there are all kinds of costs to consider... Say, you aren't thinking of digging some ground from under your opponent's feet?"

"Oh, no," Trump said, _smiling_ into the phone. "I would never, ever use the Mishas to dig ground from under my opponent's feet or anything like that. I give you my word on that."

"You sneaky devil! Well, I'm sure your cause is just. I'm sure of it. Let me see what I can do..."

-o-

Peridot, Amethyst and Lapis took the elevator to the Kindergarten control room. Once the elevator reached its destination, Peridot motioned her friends to stay in one place.

"What is it?" Lapis asked.

"Hold on, I just need to check something," Peridot replied. She looked around and found a maintenance access panel on the wall. "It just occurred to me that Pyrite's goons might have been here already. I'll just connect my iPad... ah, there. Now I can see whether anyone has accessed the databases... Well, well, well. What have we here? Somebody has activated some of the security measures. I'll turn them off. OK, it's done."

"We better be prepared. Although Skinny and Garnet bubbled the squad of loyal Homeworld rubies, Pyrite might have posted guards in the control room," Amethyst said. "What I mean is that I could use a little fight, you know."

"I'm sure you would," Peridot said. "But we need the control room computer intact. I-N-T-A-C-T. Functional. Not smashed to pieces. Let's go."

Peridot led the way. As she didn't have eyes on the back of her head, Amethyst stuck out her tongue. Lapis gave a laugh.

Peridot looked over her shoulder and gave them a disapproving look. "I'm sure something is terribly funny to you. I don't know what it is, but I suggest you leave joking for now."

Advancing carefully, the trio arrived in the control room. "Look! Do you see _that_?" Peridot exclaimed.

"Oh, stars," Amethyst commented.

Someone had installed a gem communicator in the kindergarten database console slot. The device was recharging, and it was connected to the kindergarten signal boosters and antennas which would allow communication through the heavy layers of rock and soil that rested on top of the control room.

 _A gem communicator. A direct line to high ranking Homeworld gems, perhaps even a Diamond._

What really alarmed Peridot was a light on the console that started flashing as the gems entered the room. The gem communicator, sensing the proximity of a Homeworld gem signature, started to glow.

"Amethyst! Lapis! Hide! That could be a _diamond_ communicator!" Peridot screamed as the communicator started to form a holographic screen.

"Why don't you hide?" Amethyst asked.

"She already knows I'm here! That thing detected my unique gem signature - maybe it didn't pick yours..."

"Who? Who knows you're here?" Lapis asked.

As the holographic screen took form, Peridot waved her hand frantically at her comrades. "Hide yourselves! Quickly!" To her relief, both Lapis and Amethyst, the latter displaying some reluctance, hid behind pillars.

" _Peridot._ " That voice again! It came from countless light years away, but _she_ \- Yellow Diamond - might have just as well been right there with her former subject, Peridot.

Standing as tall as a peridot could, Peridot turned to face the holographic screen. _Let's get this over with, then._ She would address Yellow Diamond as an _equal_. _I knew this day would come eventually_ , _and I'm ready_ , Peridot thought. _I hope you are!_

-o-

Sheena was leaning against a brick wall, enjoying the rough texture and the warmth it gave her. She had parked her trusty motor cycle next to some mean looking Harley Davidsons that were owned by the local biker gang. Sheena was on good terms with that particular group of bandits, so her bike was safe from any would be thieves.

A dragon appeared out of nowhere and landed on Sheena's jacket. Oh, wait, false alarm: it was just a dragonfly. Still, seeing the agile predatory insect from a close distance made Sheena flinch. The dragonfly got scared and leaped into the air, its wings making an audible clattering sound. "Sorry for scaring you, little fella, but now we're even," Sheena called out after it.

Sheena was then surprised by a mighty ROAR!

Lion, with Pearl as the rider, emerged from beyond the stars... well, actually, not that far, really. With the sun against her back, Pearl looked all the more impressive as she rode towards Sheena.

A pink lion? Usually Sheena saw pink animals after a few shots, not before. "Pearl? Is that... Is that a lion?" she asked.

"Oh, hello, Sheena! Yes, this is a lion. Don't worry, he's friendly! Aren't you, Lion?"

Lion purred in an attempt to coax Pearl into patting him and succeeded.

"Huh. A lion," Sheena repeated. "You know, you didn't really have to impress me, but... Damn, you've officially impressed me now! You look like some kind of... I dunno, a knight?" Sheena had gradually begun to understand that perhaps Pearl wasn't all human. Maybe she was an angel?

"Well, actually, I am a knight. Oh, but I have to apologize for not calling you back! I really, really have had my hands full with... stuff," Pearl said, dismounting.

As if reading Pearl's thoughts, Sheena approached Pearl and caught her in an embrace. "Hmm. Have you been catching lions, then?" she asked.

"Yes. No - it's actually more serious than that. I suppose you have a right to know... I mean, if you still care to..."

"I do. I'm all ears."

Pearl let go of Sheena and took a few steps back, scratching the back of her head. However, this gesture didn't really help: once again, Pearl felt as if her mind started to scramble. Where should she start? Oh, right - the padding. "I should warn you that this is going to be heavy."

"I can handle heavy just fine," Sheena said, trying to assure herself as much as Pearl. "But silence, dishonesty, fading... Those kind of things I _won't_ handle. Capiche?"

"Capiche, very much so. All right. First of all, I am a gem. We, the gems, are not humans like you. When I said that I was a projection of light, I meant it literally. I also meant every word when I said that I saved the world. Unfortunately, it was only temporary! Homeworld - that's the planet where the evil gem empire originates from - is still trying to destroy Earth. They won't settle for anything less!

I'm part of a rebel group of gems - we call ourselves the Crystal Gems - that fight against Homeworld gems. I'm afraid we are heading into a direct conflict. So, in the weeks ahead, we could all be poofed, bubbled, shattered and the Earth might get blown up.

I know this is a lot to take in all of a sudden, but I have wasted enough time already."

 _She's cute_ , Sheen thought. But clearly Pearl was telling the truth - at least how she believed it. "Wow, that _is_ heavy. So that's why you've been so distant."

"Yes. But I should have said something."

Sheena took hold of Pearl's hand, taking a close look at it. "Hm, a projection of light... You know, I did suspect something earlier. I had heard rumors - it seems like you gems are something of an open secret in Beach City. Wow... My girlfriend is an extraterrestrial projection of light! And the world might end tomorrow... Suppose that's enough surprises for a day!"

Pearl took a deep breath. "I'm afraid it isn't. I... Look, I've been dodging the real issue once again. So typical of me!"

"The _real_ issue?" Sheena asked, lifting an eyebrow.

"Yes. I recently had a heart-to-heart with a friend of mine..." Pearl said. _I can do this - I have to!_ "She... um... It turned out that she has feelings towards me."

 _Oh dear. I can see where this is going,_ Sheena thought. _Well, at least she's not a terrorist..._ "Go on," she said aloud.

"My friend... She's really sweet. She's a fellow terro... I mean, a fellow freedom fighter. We've known each other for a long time - a really long time. We are still trying to figure out what to do with this... situation." _Situation - was that an appropriate term?_

What Sheena asked next took Pearl by surprise. "Is this friend of yours called Amethyst by any chance?"

Pearl _felt_ her cheeks turn purple. "How did you know?"

"I remember you mentioning her name during our date. Like, many times," Sheena said. "And I saw the looks she gave me when I poured her coffee. I could tell that she wanted to be friendly, but there was something really big weighing on her shoulders."

Pearl's entire face was now purple. Did Sheena just open her life up like a book?

"I... You're very observant. More observant than me, that's for sure." Pearl cast her eyes on the ground. She imagined that a passing roach saluted her for telling the truth for once.

There was a moment of awkward silence. Eventually, Sheena broke it: "So, uh, what now?"

"I don't know. I don't know!"

"Sure you do," Sheena said. "What do you want, Pearl? I mean, do you want to be with me?"

"Yes, I do!"

"And do you want to be with Amethyst?"

"That's the thing... I just don't want to walk away from her, I mean... um..."

"Pearl."

Mustering her courage, Pearl looked Sheena in the eyes. "Yes," she said. "I do want to be with Amethyst, too, even though it's horribly selfish of me."

"There you go. That wasn't so hard, now was it? But horribly selfish? Hm, you're being too hard on yourself," Sheena said with a grin. However, her expression turned quickly back to serious as she contemplated the situation.

"What do you mean?"

"We're all selfish - me, you, the neighbor's dog, everyone. But there's selfish and then there's _selfish._ I've been with some really selfish people in the past. Got my teeth kicked in a few times, too. But what sets you apart from those particular assholes is that you're being honest with me. And for that reason, I'm willing to give this a go. You know, give _us_ a go."

"Wait, what? Really?! You're not walking away?"

"Nope! Let me give you a little heads up, though: from now on, you'll have to find the time for both me _and_ your sweet Amethyst. You won't have much time for yourself!"

Pearl could hardly believe what she was hearing. Her eyes turned into stars. In fact, all she saw were stars, and amidst them stood the pink haired human girl. Pearl opened her mouth but no words came.

 _Looks like I have to take control once again,_ Sheena thought. "C'mere." Sheena took Pearl in a tight embrace. She realized then that she couldn't feel Pearl's heartbeat. Instead, she felt the delicate gem tremble a little. "Listen, I'm not walking away from you, if there's any chance at all that this will work. But I'm not done teasing you, not by a long shot," Sheena spoke, caressing Pearl's hair.

"Sheena, I don't know what to say..."

"You can hold your tongue for now. Then again, you could put it to good use later... Say, you weren't kidding about the war and some evil empire trying to destroy Earth, were you?"

"I'm afraid I wasn't. Me and my team... In the few weeks that will follow, we will clash with the Homeworld. But we have done it before and won!"

"Then tell me what I can do to help! I can hold a rifle if it'll help. Where do you need me?"

Pearl wasn't surprised by the question. "That's very brave of you. But I need you to be safe and wait for me."

"Pearl..."

"Just wait for me, OK? I'll come back to you, I promise!"

"You're not going to war just yet, are you?"

Pearl shook her head. "No, we have preparations to make. But like I said, the fate of the Earth will be decided in a matter of weeks."

"Sooo... I don't suppose you have an hour or two for me right now?"

"For you? Do you mean... I think so, yes - I'm not needed at this very moment."

Sheena grinned. "So, let's go to somewhere more private, shall we? Unless you want to do it right here..."

Pearl's blush had begun to fade, but it came back with a bang. "We can go to my place!" Pearl said quickly. "Lion, come here! You just got an extra passenger."

Pearl hopped on Lion's back and motioned Sheena to do the same.

"I've never ridden a lion before," Sheena said. "Is there anything I should know?"

"Just sit behind me and hold onto me with all your strength."

-o-

"Peridot! It's you, isn't it?" Yellow Diamond asked rhetorically. "Yes, I recognize you, even if the connection quality is a bit lacking. You know, we should stop communicating like this. The gems in my court might start talking."

"My Diamond," Peridot uttered reflexively.

"I see you still remember how to address me, Peridot, Facet-2F5L Cut-5XH."

"My Diamond... Wait, you said it wrong! That's Facet-2F5L Cut-5XG!" Peridot yelled, suddenly shaking off her sense of dread. _I am in control here. This is my planet!_ she thought. "Not 5XH, not 5XF, not 7UP - my cut is _5XG!_ "

"Ha, ha, ha! So now you care about your facet and cut designation? But you must forgive me - I have many _important_ things on my mind right now. I'm sure you understand," Yellow Diamond said, delivering a veiled roast. "Tell me, how did you get past the guards?"

 _So, Yellow Diamond expected that Pyrite would have posted guards in the control room by now,_ Peridot thought. "They never made it here. We are keeping them bubbled for the time being," she said. "I'm afraid I can't say the same for the big war gem of yours."

"So you've met Pyrite?" Yellow Diamond asked, trying to hide the fact that Peridot had just chipped off a small part of her confidence.

"Sort of. We shattered her," Peridot said matter-of-factly. "To be precise: it was me who delivered the shattering blow once I learned that she tried to capture me. Is that why you sent your goons here? Am I that important to Homeworld?"

"Yes. Yes, you are - I couldn't have said it better! Listen to me, Peridot. It's time for you to come home. The Earth is doomed, one way or another. You know this to be true. If you stay, you will be destroyed along with it. Come home, and I will put you in charge of colonizing the rest of the galaxy."

"Pssst! Don't believe her!," Lapis whispered from her hiding place. "You can see what's she's trying to do - first she mocks you, now she's threatening _and_ flattering you!"

"Everything is forgiven," Yellow Diamond continued. "If you truly shattered my general, it simply proves that she was weak and deserved her fate. Oh, and don't worry: there are no remotely controlled explosives over there. The cluster, on the other hand, is another story..."

"The cluster... Must Earth really be destroyed?" Peridot asked with a trembling voice. Of course Lapis was right: Yellow Diamond would use every trick in her arsenal, threats and flattery included to convince Peridot to return. But no matter how hard she tried to deny it, Peridot did want Yellow Diamond's offer to be true.

"Like I said, I want my geoweapon. That is not up for negotiation. But I can be reasonable - I shall extend my offer of mercy to your friends. I will pardon each and every one of them."

"You're not fooling me! You would only imprison or shatter them! Even if you didn't, I will not have you destroy Earth. The cluster... It will... I will find a way to deal with it!"

"What is wrong with you?!" Yellow Diamond shouted. "What has made you turn your back on your own kind? Earth - ha! Do you really think that rotten planet is that valuable?"

"It is!" Peridot shot back. "Not only does this planet produce unique chemical compounds, but it could also provide Homeworld with fresh ideas and new ways of thinking! I'm not saying that our cultures and societies should fuse, but who knows what we could learn from _studying_ Earth, it's flora, fauna, history and philosophy?"

"Nothing of any value," Yellow Diamond insisted. "All Earth has to offer us is corruption. And I'm afraid you are a victim to that corruption already."

Peridot sighed. It was a very human gesture, and Peridot didn't care if Yellow Diamond took offense. "I can see you don't care or understand about anything new. Understand this, my Diamond: my work is actually recognized here - one day, I could actually rule this planet! On Homeworld, I was just another cog among others. Your flattery won't work on me now. What you are offering is too little, too late! Maybe if... maybe if..."

"Maybe if you had received praise when you deserved it?" Yellow Diamond finished. "My Peridot - _my_ Peridot! Have you already forgotten?"

"Forgotten what?!"

Yellow Diamond leaned back on her chair and laughed. "Oh, Peridot... Don't you remember that you received numerous commendations during your service? Have you forgotten that I, Yellow Diamond, personally thanked you for a job well done? You wound me! I am truly hurt."

"You? Personally thanking me? What on Earth are you talking about? Why would a Diamond personally thank a kindergartner or a technician like me? There is only one explanation: you are lying!"

"Lying? It is possible," Yellow Diamond admitted. "But then again, you weren't just a simple kindergartner or technician. Oh, no. In fact, you were much more than that... Oh, yes, you were!"

"I'm going to destroy that damn communicator," Lapis whispered to Amethyst.

"You stay put! You don't want the Yellow D seeing you! Let's just wait," Amethyst said.

Yellow Diamond seemed to fiddle with her datapad. "Now let's see, Peridot Facet-2F5L Cut-5XE, I mean, Facet-2F5L Cut-5XG, of course... Yes, it's all written in here."

"What is written in there?" Peridot heard herself ask.

"Hmm. I will give you the short version. After that, you may ask questions," Yellow Diamond said, knowing full well that Peridot wouldn't want to ask a single question. "There was an incident that would have been a spot on your service record... Well, you got into a little fight with a Jasper, which is impressive in itself. You were overpowered, of course, but you refused to yield, threatening to shatter her and attempting in vain to tear her gem off. Apparently this amused your superiors. It sure amused me! But I saw the potential in you, and I had you placed in special training: you were to become an information extraction specialist."

Yellow Diamond looked at Peridot, allowing the beginning of her story to sink in. The green gem wanted to run away or smash the communicator, but she made no attempt to do either, so Yellow Diamond continued: "You passed every exam with flying colors. Your final task was to get the subject to reveal a key phrase she had been given. Incidentally, the subject was the very Jasper you had fought with! _She_ was also selected for the training, and _she_ failed to interrogate _you -_ but of course that was an exam which _you_ did pass, even though it took you more time than was normally allowed.

Yes, you asked for more time, offering yourself to be harvested if you didn't succeed! You then fashioned a crude but effective gadget that would prevent a gem from shapeshifting, withdrawing, or reforming in any way. You then explained to this Jasper that you had the power to _permanently_ alter her form - it was a lie, obviously - but it was an effective lie. Then... let's see... Ah, here it is: using an energy blade, you 'cut' her arms off, one after another. Oh, and she did give you the key phrase she was entrusted with, right after you severed her _first_ arm.

Hm, these official reports are written in such a sterile manner, don't you agree? They don't do justice to the events as they happened. Can you even imagine how much respect you gained from me that day?"

"What happened to that Jasper?" Peridot asked, almost pleading.

"Why do you care? So very unlike you. Let's see: ah, this Jasper was so ashamed that she asked for her memory to be wiped. It didn't help that she did reform normally - if anything, she was more ashamed that you had tricked her. But isn't it strange that you seem to be suffering from memory loss, too? Now why would that be?"

"I don't know!" Peridot snapped. She wasn't talking to Yellow Diamond at that moment, but to her growing sense of guilt.

"I just might know," Yellow Diamond said. "Maybe you just weren't ready to handle the _inconvenient_ feelings that often go with the job of an interrogator. Maybe you made yourself forget. Or you could be lying to both me and yourself right now."

"Where... Where is the Jasper now?"

"I don't know, and I don't care. All I can say is that I haven't received any reports of jaspers getting shattered since then, so it's possible that she is still out there, guarding some exhausted colony, with no recollection of you. But who can say if one day she suddenly remembers you and wants revenge? Memory erasing is a tool that Homeworld science hasn't perfected just yet, I'm afraid. Would you like me to find her and bubble her permanently as a precaution? Or would you prefer to shatter her personally?"

This was too much for Lapis Lazuli. Emerging from hiding, she marched up to the view screen and shouted at Yellow Diamond: "Shut up! You are nothing but a liar. When you couldn't get to Peridot by force, you are trying to manipulate her into Stars know what! It won't work - Peridot is too smart for you! Aren't you, Peridot?"

But Peridot could hardly look at Lapis. "But Yellow Diamond is right! She's right! I... I feel like I've been blocking my memories, and they are coming back to me, even if they are all distorted and unclear... But wait! Yellow Diamond, you admitted earlier that you _could_ be lying - or the records! Who's to say they aren't false or inaccurate? Aren't you reading someone else's records?"

"What about your own memories?" Yellow Diamond asked. In any civilized debate, she would have lost 5 points for engaging in whataboutism.

" _My_ memories? I think someone has planted false memories in my mind! Ha! What do you say to that? Besides, I would certainly remember if you had personally thanked me! But I don't, so there!"

Yellow Diamond sighed without even attempting to hide her disappointment - unless she was faking it. "So be it, then. Obviously, I have been misinformed." She tossed her datapad away as if it was a used (or abused) banana peel. Thankfully, the gadget narrowly missed Yellow Pearl who had been allowed to observe the conversation. "But it doesn't matter - we have become badly sidetracked, haven't we? We should be talking about your future, not judging your past. Given the chance, Earth - which you are so fond of - will do the latter. Suppose I destroyed the cluster and left Earth in peace? The inhabitants would scan your mind and use your thoughts and feelings against you. And once they were done exploiting you for their own needs, they would harvest you or simply throw you aside. _They_ are not your friends!

But speaking of friends, who is the brash blue gem by your side? A Lapis Lazuli - she is close to you, isn't she? Well met, Lapis Lazuli! You have a place here in Homeworld. Perhaps I can arrange for you to work with Peridot on future colonies, if you wish it. All you have to do is accept my mercy and serve Homeworld once again."

"You're lying!" Lapis screamed. "It's easy for you to make promises you have no intention of keeping! Why would we believe anything you say? You don't have an ounce of mercy in your gem!"

"It is wise not to be too trusting," Yellow Diamond said, choosing to ignore Lapis' accusations. "I admit that I have no way of convincing you; if you hadn't shattered my general, you could have asked her if a Diamond can show mercy. But consider this: would I waste my time with you if I merely wanted to shatter you? No, I would not. Swear loyalty to me, and Homeworld will welcome you back!"

Lapis' presence and support, despite Yellow Diamond's accusations, gave Peridot comfort and resolve. But she had also been given strength from an even more mysterious source, and she knew exactly what to tell Yellow Diamond. For it was then that Star Man's words rang in Peridot's ears, one line in particular: " _You have no power over me."_

"Yellow Diamond," Peridot said with renewed confidence. "It is with regret that I must tell you that I reject your offer. Lapis does, too."

"Regret? That's an understatement, considering that the cluster will put an end to Earth and your existence," Yellow Diamond said. "It doesn't need to be that way if..."

"That's not what I meant," Peridot interrupted. "My Diamond, just before we talked the last time, I had a discussion with a friend - an Eartling one at that - about you. I praised you to heavens, even though I had made an alliance with the rebels. None of your threats and promises can compare with the disappointment _you_ caused me when you refused to listen to reason!"

Yellow Diamond's eyes flickered briefly. "Ha! You are disappointed because your vanity and selfishness know no bounds, and because I, Yellow Diamond, made a ruling that you didn't agree with. And here we are again: _I_ am refusing to listen to your 'reason', and soon you will curse me, hurling insults, once again displaying your 'bravery.' Isn't that how our conversation ends?"

"No, my Diamond." Peridot's eyes were suddenly very moist. "You are wrong about me, about everything. I am no longer your Peridot. I don't hate you and I'm not going to insult you. In doing so, I would only make you feel justified to squash without a second thought. But I won't make this that easy for you!

I do miss Homeworld sometimes. Everything good I have ever said or thought about you still stands. In fact, I am surprised and very much tempted by your offer, whether or not you are acting out of the kindness of your being. You are a good leader to Homeworld - that I will not deny. I would rather have you see reason than shatter you."

"As if you could shatter me," Yellow Diamond said, trying to convince herself.

"Maybe I can't, but I don't want to. The emotion, the life energy of this planet - which you would call corruption - could improve Homeworld's way of life. The technology, resolve and efficiency of Homeworld - with an efficient leader like you - could in turn improve life on Earth. Please think about it for a second! Imagine if..."

Yellow Diamond turned her gaze away from the monitor. She regretted speaking to Peridot for so long, almost as if she had been an equal. But her curiosity - or was it something else? - still prevented her from terminating the connection.

Peridot, realizing that there was no way of convincing the Yellow Diamond, decided to say the one thing that was left to say: "I love you."

Lapis, Amethyst and Yellow Diamond gasped.

"Peridot out." Peridot made a quick salute and reached for the controls.

Yellow Diamond leaned forward, trying to boost the signal, as if she could prevent Peridot from ending the transmission. "Peridot! Wait-"

The screen went black as Peridot flipped the switch.

On Homeworld, Yellow Pearl, just as stunned as Lapis and Amethyst back on Earth, watched as Yellow Diamond spoke fruitlessly to the screen: "Peridot, come in! Peridot, do you hear me? Peridot... please respond... Peridot, this is your Diamond speaking. Come in, Peridot..."

Back in the control room, Amethyst got out from her hiding place. She had expected Peridot to handle Yellow Diamond, but nothing could have prepared her or Lapis to hear Peridot using _those_ three words.

Before Amethyst could decide whether to crack a joke or simply cheer Peridot and pat her on the back, the green gem spoke with a voice that carried the authority of a Diamond: "All right, now we'll just download the research data and get the hell out of here."

END OF ACT II

-o-

Author's notes:

\- Misha is a Soviet built giant robot bear, capable of mining and planeteering operations. They were first used in the potentially catastrophic attempt to change the flowing direction of the Yenisei river. Misha is basically an excavator on steroids and a convoluted... uh, convenient plot tool. (It's yet another product of my bullshit generator, even though the river thing itself is based on a historical fact)

\- Lapis Lazuli deserves to have some backbone, so there.

\- The "The Book of the Star Man" quote was taken from Inspirobot, an online quote generator.

\- The Blue Oyster Bar doesn't really serve seafood.


	29. Soft Time

**Chapter 29** : Soft Time

-o-

 _Captain's log, star date 07/03/18_ : Summer hiatus ends... and continues! I hope you're preparing for the 4th of July instead of reading fanfics. Tomorrow is the Independence Day of the United States of America. Get the BBQ stuff ready, even if you're not an American!

-o-

Lapis Lazuli walked around the temple like a cat exploring its new surroundings. It was no use - she had to talk to someone. There was a munching sound in the kitchen, so Lapis decided to investigate. It was Amethyst, who had just destroyed three Subway sandwiches and was going for the fourth.

"Hey, Amethyst..." Lapis greeted her.

"Mhuh? Oh, hi, Lafuwi. Haf's uh?" Amethyst replied.

"Can I talk to you for a second?"

Amethyst chewed her sandwich for a moment and swallowed. "Sure. I hope you don't mind me replenishing some (mental) energy at the same time. What's on your mind?"

"Peridot. What she told Yellow Diamond was... unexpected."

"Uh huh."

Lapis paced around the room. "Well?"

"Well what?" Amethyst replied.

"Well, what do you think that was about? Did Peridot really mean it? Ha! Of course she didn't. Forgive me, I'm just being silly."

 _Poor Lapis,_ Amethyst thought. "Look, she was just trolling the Yellow D. Really, Peridot just wanted to rattle her, and I think she did a fine job. It was pretty funny! Although... it was kind of evil."

"Evil?!" Lapis shouted. "You feel sympathy towards that... that dictator?"

"No, but... Look, apart from Yellow Diamond creating the cluster and trying to destroy Earth, _I_ have no beef with the yellow popsicle. It's Peridot who does. And she handled Yellow just fine."

Lapis paced around for a while before continuing.

"I'm just... I understand that Peridot didn't mean to... It's not as if she really... It just bothers me that she uses those exact words to... Oh, dirt and rubble! It would be easier if I could just be angry! Or jealous, or... She hasn't said if she loves _me._ "

"Oh, so that's what this is about - you and Peridot, not the threat of a Homeworld invasion. I'm sure she will say the words to _you_. Look, I don't want to be that guy, but why aren't you talking about this with Peridot?"

Lapis had an answer ready. Or was it a bunch of excuses? "Because Peridot has resumed designing the cluster warship and weapons as if nothing had happened. Thanks to Homeworld, we have another war on our hands. I don't want to bother her or pour my troubles on her. It's just like you said, Earth - our home - is in danger. How could I be so selfish?"

"It's not selfishness to care about someone. Now let me ask you something - and it's not a trick question - are you and Peridot, y'know, together?"

"Yes!"

"And that's all the reason why you should talk to her. I'm not saying that you shouldn't talk to me or the guys, but you shouldn't go on talking about Peridot behind her back, you know what I'm saying? Just talk to her about this or anything you want. She won't be bothered. At least not much."

"I guess you're right. Thank you, Amethyst."

"Anytime, Lazuli. Say, would you like to try our some Dr. Pepper?"

"No, thanks... Then again, why not?"

Amethyst poured Lapis some Dr. Pepper in a coffee cup. The two gems drank the disgustingly sweet and bubbly liquid in silence, emulating a Japanese tea ceremony.

The moment of Zen was broken by the sound of the temple door opening. Peridot emerged, arms flailing. "Guys! Guys! Come quick! Pyrite is about to hatch. Garnet foresaw it!"

"Hatch? And who's the lucky mother hen? You?" Amethyst asked.

The urgency of the situation caused Amethyst's clever line fly right over Peridot's head. "Yes - no... what? Yes! No! Come on! Me and Garnet could use some backup!"

Lapis and Amethyst glanced at each other and got up. Dr. Pepper would have to wait. "Fine, to the lava room, then," Amethyst said.

There was a sudden look of disappointment and disgust on Peridot's face. "No, you genius, not the lava room. Until you stupid clods redesign that death trap, or at least install a safety net above the frigging lava, we are NOT going to stash any more bubbled gems there, not even potentially hostile ones! We've got Pyrite in Pearl's room. Finish your sandwiches if you must, but please hurry!" With that, Peridot ran right into the gem door. Bonk!

"Mind the door," Amethyst said helpfully. To Lapis she whispered: "Look, she's already acting like a proper vice president, taking responsibility, barking orders, running head first into things..."

"Yeah, and using words like 'clod' just like that. Doesn't it bother you?" Lapis asked.

"What?"

"Being called a clod."

"Nope. Besides, _I_ didn't design the lava room, so I'm sure she didn't mean me."

-o-

 _This is the responsible thing to do. There's nothing to be embarrassed about it_ , Lars thought as he stepped in the Beach City Hospital. _Besides, if Kevin could do it, so can I._

Lars remembered the conversation he and Kevin had a week earlier. The two young lovers had decided to stop using protection, so they would both get tested. Better safe than sorry, as the saying went. Besides, according to Pokey the Bear, "Only YOU can stop sexually transmitted diseases! Get tested TODAY!"

"Good news, Lars! I got an appointment on the exact same day as you did," Kevin had said.

Lars had asked Kevin what to expect: what kind of samples the doctor would take and so on. Kevin had been expecting that question. "Well, Laramie my boy, you're going to tell the doctor that you'll want all the tests. You'll be asked to list all your partners and _activities_ you have taken part in."

"That's it?"

"Yes, pretty much. Oh, and you'd better tell her in great detail what _we_ have done together and what we are planning to do in the future."

"What?! No way!"

"Yes way, Laramie. They don't do all those tests without a good reason, you know! Look, I can accompany you to the doctor's office if you wish. If you're too shy to open your mouth, I'll tell the doctor what we're going to do."

Lars had let out a cry of frustration and pushed Kevin away. But, as Kevin had predicted, the boys had ended up holding each other after having a brief scuffle. The recent memory brought a smile on Lars' lips and a renewed sense of determination. He wanted to be with Kevin, and he wanted to be safe.

After having found his way into the waiting lounge, Lars sat down on the couch and picked up a copy of Cosmopolitan. There was a good 15 minutes until his appointment, so Lars decided to see if he could find any good fashion tips or smoothie recipes. He found none.

"Lars Barriga?" doctor Priyanka Maheswaran called out. Noticing Lars get up, she added: "This way, please."

In her office, Priyanka shook hands with Lars and motioned him to sit down. "All right, Lars Barriga... It says here that you have been tested for HIV 6 months ago."

"That's right." That test had taken place during Lars and Sadie's late night multiplayer sessions. They had both been negative, thank the Stars.

"So, now you have requested every possible STD test. Is that right?"

"Yes, that's right," Lars admitted. "Uh, me and my boyfr... um, partner... uh..."

"Just so you know, you can say 'boyfriend' if that is the case," Priyanka said. "It's perfectly OK."

Lars nodded and took a deep breath. He was prepared to answer each and every question and give a full disclosure of his past, which included, but was not limited to encounters with a certain girl named Sadie Miller. "Since my last test, I haven't had other partners than 'miss S'. Ahem. My boyfriend and I - we both have an appointment today, actually - Uh, well, we do use protection, but we want to be tested for everything, because, um..."

"Say no more," Priyanka interrupted. "I have all the info I need, and we are going to do every test known to modern science."

 _Well, this is going easier than I anticipated_ , Lars thought. _Dr. Maheswaran sure is awesome!_ What Lars didn't know that beside Priyanka's professionalism, there was another reason for her decision to skip the standard interrogation.

"Would you kindly step over there and lower your pants? We are going to take some samples."

 _Oh, crap!_

Sensing Lars' apprehension, Priyanka said: "Don't worry. It's not going to hurt."

-o-

Peridot had reasoned that Pearl's room, being tidy, organized and having a soothing aura would be the perfect place for Pyrite to reform. At Steven's insistence, her gem had been placed on top of a pillow.

Lapis and Amethyst were just in time to see Pyrite's gem lift in the air and reform, making a sound reminiscent of a sonic boom. Having regained her form, she landed on the floor. Steven had grabbed the pillow so that Pyrite wouldn't trip on it.

The gems knew better than to trust the Homeworld general 100%, especially one who could apparently bend facts so that even Lion couldn't tell for sure if she was lying. Perhaps they could trick her into making a slip of the tongue instead?

"Welcome back," Garnet said.

"Am I still on Earth?" Pyrite asked, looking around.

"You are in the Crystal Temple, yes. This is Pearl's room - she is with... someone right now. But what about you - how are you feeling?"

"Fine, thank you. But I feel... naked. My armor! Ah, you have confiscated it, of course."

"I knew we forgot something," Peridot said and ran out of the room. She came back, carrying Pyrite's armor with the help of her metal powers. "Your armor. We haven't confiscated it and definitely not misplaced it," Peridot said, casting a glance at Amethyst before placing the pieces of armor on the floor. "All yours, my friend!"

But Pyrite stood still. "Friend, eh? I appreciate the thought, little Peridot, even if you don't really mean it."

Peridot, frustrated that Pyrite saw through their scheme, dropped her 'we're all buddies here' - act. "Of course I do! If we become friends, then maybe you'll tell us what it is that you're hiding!" _Whoops!_ Peridot covered her mouth, but quickly recollected herself. Not that it did any good. "Um, what I mean is..."

"Peridot, it's OK," Garnet said. "She's right. And clearly she's too clever for us. All right, Pyrite. We have a reason to believe that you are not exactly loyal to Homeworld, but we need to know your story - all of it - if we are to trust you."

"My story?"

"Yes, your story," Peridot said. "In the case you are still suffering from aftereffects of reforming, I'll make this really clear. Please answer the following questions:

1) In which colony were you born?

2) Have you always been under Yellow Diamond's command? If not, please list your former commanders.

3) How many gems have you poofed, bubbled and/or shattered?

4) What is your real opinion on Yellow Diamond and Homeworld?

5) Yellow Diamond implied that you received her mercy. What did she mean by that?"

Pyrite managed to smile a little at Peridot's enthusiasm. "Heh, you Peridots and your checklists... Very well. I was born in the Prime Kindergarten of Zeta Sextantis IIb. I used to be part of Pink Diamond's troops. I have poofed 2 gems, bubbled a total of zero (0) gems and shattered no one.

As for Yellow Diamond, I believe she is a capable leader, but not without flaws. I told you earlier what I think about current Homeworld strategy - destroying Earth and rebellion without an attempt to understand why such a rebellion was born in the first place only means that we will have a bigger rebellion on our hands in the future. And the endless, aggressive expansion of our Empire, while a logical strategy, will not exactly make us very popular among _other_ sentients that might inhabit the universe."

"That's it!" Garnet exclaimed, suddenly more emotional than usually. "That's exactly it - Rose Quartz became so very fond of Earth, but she also said that there might be even more advanced civilizations than Earth or Homeworld watching us. Therefore, if Homeworld presents itself as an unreasonable culture that is only capable of aggressive expansion, then..."

"...the entire Gem race would become galactically and universally hated," Pyrite finished. "Of course, I never understood how saving Earth would make the Diamonds change their way of thinking, or rather, if it could even make them _think_. Especially without any kind of proof of these 'advanced civilizations'..."

"To be honest, I thought that part seemed a bit far fetched. But Homeworld's way of spreading from planet to planet and draining _all_ of their resources for the sake of expanding the empire is something she wouldn't accept. As for our next step, saving the Earth (once again) is a good start," Garnet said. "Rose must have had a plan... but I suppose our plans changed when the Homeworld all but destroyed the rebellion with the corruption attack."

"Pyrite, you are a Homeworld general. How come you have managed to avoid shattering anyone?" Peridot asked. "And if you have poofed two rebels, why didn't you bubble them?"

"Good questions, but I never said that the gems I poofed were rebels, and... Hm, I see your lion isn't present. Where is he?"

"Don't worry," Amethyst said. "You'll get to pet him later!"

For a brief moment, Pyrite looked amused. Some of these gems had that special spark in them... "Thank you, young Quartz. But what I meant was, will you believe me if I tell you?"

"We'll see," Garnet said.

-o-

After having performed their interspecies cultural exchange / fusion emulation dance (thrice in a row), Pearl and Sheena snuggled together under the silky sheets. Pearl had taken Sheena to the presidential suite of Beach City's most luxurious hotel, The One Eyed Jack.

"How are you feeling?" Pearl asked.

"Hmmm. Much better now, thank you. So, this is where you bring your girlfriends, eh? Such a nice little love nest..."

Pearl blushed (again), remembering that she indeed did have butter on both sides of her biscuit.

"Relax," Sheena said as she felt Pearl tense up. "I told you I was going to tease you."

"Oh. Well, actually, I can tell you that I haven't actually brought Amethyst here. She prefers messier places, so I haven't had a reason to invite her here."

Sheena chuckled. "But you do now."

Pearl pulled at the blanket, hiding herself under it. After a while, she asked: "Sheena, does it bother you? You know, me and Amethyst..."

"No. For me, this situation is like... you get what you wish for."

"You made a wish?"

"Well, I... Actually, I prayed," Sheena said with a more serious tone of voice. "I prayed to Jesus that you would call me."

"Really? I didn't think of you as a religious person," Pearl said.

"I'm not that religious. It's just something I remembered from my childhood. My grandma, you see - she would sometimes mention that she had been talking to Jesus. About me, mostly. Wanna hear more or do you get easily bored?"

"Please go on! I like hearing you talk."

"Ok. Well, I asked my grandma who this Jesus was. She gave me the short version. Eventually she gave me the long version. I thought Jesus was cool, kicking tables over, doing miracles and stuff. But what was really cool that he would listen to my grandma. Heh, I thought my grandma had a direct line to the heavens! Fast forward to the current year. I had forgotten about Jesus stuff until I found myself waiting for _your_ call, wondering if something had happened to you."

"Oh, Sheena... I'm sorry. You must think I'm horrible, leaving you hanging by a thread like that!"

"No, I never saw it like that. I just assumed that you had things going on. And that's how it is, anyway. Where was I? Oh, right - like I said, I said a prayer, asking that I could hear from you one last time. I also might have asked that you would come running to my arms, too - I even said that I would claim you as my own no matter what. So, I got what I wished for. The least I can do is to see how this whole 'three stoogettes' deal works out. So yeah... I might have gotten a bit too eager, so I prayed to Bast, too."

"Bast?"

"The Egyptian goddess of cats, lions and so on. I don't know if my prayers were answered, but... aw, heck, my prayers _were_ answered: first, you called me, and now, a frigging lion brought you to me!"

Pearl smiled, remembering Sheena's amazement at Lion appearing from thin air.

"Oh, and from what I can tell from Amethyst, she seems nice."

Pearl couldn't help herself from giggling. "You know, that's what she said about you..."

"Really? Well, the next time you see her, tell her that she seems super nice!"

"I will," Pearl promised. But once again, doubts began creeping in to her brain. Staring at the ceiling, Pearl said: "Still, I wonder if this is going to work."

Sheena pulled herself closer to Pearl. "Hey, if Earth isn't destroyed tomorrow, we could make it work."

A heavy sigh from Pearl suggested that she was quickly sinking into a puddle of pessimism even as she lay next to Sheena's warm body.

 _Oh you poor, thirsty adorable thing,_ Sheena thought. "Look, I'll let you know if I start feeling bad, OK? Right now I'm feeling good. Do you understand?"

"Y-yes..." Pearl replied.

"Good. Now, I would be lying if I didn't feel a bit weirded out, you being an extraterrestrial and all... Tell me, have you ever been into a polygamous relationship? Or is it allowed on your planet?"

"I'm a pearl. We are not usually allowed to be gamous at all, especially not with gems of a different caste." _Rose broke all those rules, though..._

"That sounds awful. What held you back? Was it the... Diamond Something?"

"The Diamond Authority, yes. Extraterrestrial puritanical dictators. Hmph! Clods, most of them, as Peridot would say."

"Jesus! It sounds like you've been missing out. Well, you have two girlfriends now, and I say we do our best to make this work. One day at a time. Trying our best to be honest, OK?"

"One day at a time, and we'll be honest," Pearl agreed. "It sounds good and fair."

"All right. One more thing: the Diamond Authority can go fuck themselves! Now, how about one more round?"

"Round? Oh! Yes... but I will treat you first."

Sheena voiced no objections. She kicked the sheet covering her and Pearl away and made an inviting gesture with her index finger. As Pearl began working her magic, Sheena cried out: "Long live the Rebellion!"

-o-

Pyrite understood that it was truth time. The Crystal Gems were smart and didn't need their Lion to tell the truth from a falsehood. They probably wouldn't shatter her, but if she tried to hide the truth from them, she would have to spend an unknown amount of time in a bubble, possibly missing the upcoming battle. _A chance to redeem myself... If only!_

"I never wanted to be a soldier," Pyrite began. "In fact, I wanted to be a poet..."

"GAYYYYY!" Peridot yelled at the top of her lungs, momentarily startling everyone.

Garnet squeezed Peridot's shoulders gently. She was about to tell Peridot off, but Pyrite raised her hand, signaling Garnet to let go. She could handle one Peridot herself.

" _Gayy_ , yourself, you little bug," Pyrite said. "If you interrupt me one more time with your Earth insults, I will recite some of my early poetry to you, understand? Are you going to give me any more shit?"

Peridot shook her head.

"Good. Now, since there are some _impatient_ gems among you, I'll try to be brief. As I said, I wanted to be a poet. And an actor. Which is ironic, since..." Pyrite hesitated. All the eyes were on her. "I... I wasn't... I'm not really a Homeworld general. You see, I was part of the rebellion."

"Great! So, you were on our side all the time?" Amethyst asked. "Wait - but why would you... I'm confused now."

Pyrite gave a sigh. "Just like most rebels, we started out in the service of Homeworld. I was posted on Earth - I was a mere captain then - as a part of Pink Diamond's colonization force. I ended up joining the rebellion led by Rose Quartz. I have to ask: is she still around?"

"That information is classified," Peridot and Amethyst said simultaneously, the latter imitating the former. After exchanging a glance, they exclaimed: "Hivemind - yay!"

"I see," Pyrite said. "Anyway, I joined the rebellion. At first, we merely held our ground against those still... loyal to Homeworld. One of our outposts got overrun. I was there. We... my comrades fought valiantly. I... did not. I tried to run away, only to bump into an actual Homeworld general! She... There was chaos. The power fluctuated - I remember hearing an explosion and then there was dust everywhere. She - the general - didn't recognize me, so she asked me if I was a loyal Homeworld soldier or a rebel. I would like to think that it was that time when my flair for acting paid off. I managed to convince her not to attack me. Then, something - I think it was another explosion - caught her attention, and I gave her a whack on the head, poofing her."

Even though Pyrite struggled to keep her voice calm, it was clear that reciting her tale was causing her no small amount of stress.

"The general had been wearing armor. I collected her gem among the armor pieces, bubbled her and sent her away - I imagine she ended up in a secret jail that Rose Quartz had fashioned - and sat down. I then received a call from the other rebels, stating that we had managed to fight off the first wave of loyalists, but a second one was coming. The call ended abruptly - I panicked, I'll admit it - and I tried to reach someone, anyone from our side. Nothing. I had to think quickly. My thoughts turned to the armor lying on the floor."

Peridot looked at the armor set, then questioningly at Pyrite.

"Yes, that is the same set of armor," Pyrite said, answering Peridot's unspoken question. "Like I said, I had to think quickly. I put the armor on and... I decided to assume the identity of the Homeworld general that I had just bubbled. The Homeworld reinforcements found me. They were completely fooled by my disguise and my acting.

Apparently, we - I mean, Homeworld troops had just given orders to evacuate, and the reinforcements were sent not to finish off the Rebels, but to retrieve their general. I played along." With that, Pyrite fell silent and stared at the floor.

"And you've been playing along for all those years?" Garnet asked, even though it was more of a statement than a question.

"Man!" Amethyst begun, no longer in a mood of making jokes, but before she could continue, Garnet spoke:

"Amethyst, shush. Pyrite, I think I understand. You were put in a no-win scenario..."

"NO! Don't... There is no use in sugarcoating things... I played along, all those years. I abandoned my rebel comrades on Earth. I became a coward! Maybe I was one all along. I played along - I put on the physical and mental disguise of a Homeworld general, and it never failed me. The second gem I poofed... I really didn't know I had it in me, but I did... I reacted to an insult thrown at me. Obviously it was the proper way... All those years..."

Garnet stepped closer to Pyrite. "NO! Stay away from me!"

"Sorry, I don't take orders from anyone," Garnet replied, placing a hand on Pyrite's shoulder. "Pyrite, you are here _now_. You are making a stand against Homeworld _now_. You have already helped us by sabotaging Yellow Diamond's latest plan. This is the hand _we_ have been dealt with, and it could be a lot worse."

"You could just shatter me. It would be much simpler..."

"No. You will help us and we will beat Homeworld. We will find a way to deal with the cluster and Homeworld, in that order. Then, we will help you in making a peace with your past."

-o-

 **A/N:** Here's hoping that the European Union doesn't choke the Internet and set the world 300 years back to the Dark Ages on the 5th of July. If you want to laugh or cry at some fresh EU stupidity, search for "EU Article 11 and 13" on your favorite search engine.

No matter what problems America is wrestling with, at least they don't have the bureaucratic, incompetent, out of touch and outright malicious bunch of people known as the EU commission.

To you Yanks (and Confederates) out there: Whatever amount of freedom you have, hold on to it. Godspeed and God bless you, you lucky bastards.


	30. C30: Loyalty

**C30: "** Loyalty"

-o-

"For the last time, we are perfectly capable of operating the Mishas without your help!" Pearl shouted at the Russian colonel.

"That may be so, but I'm not going to hand the entire fleet to you without having... um... observers accompany you. These are military machines, after all," the man replied in perfect English.

Peridot cleared her throat, even though there was nothing to clear. Pearl and the man stopped arguing, at least for a moment. Maybe the little green gem would say something intelligent. "I think there has been a slight miscommunication. Go ahead and argue, but turn down your volume, please. I'll call Mr. Trump and get things sorted out."

"Ha, ha, ha! Fair enough" the man said. "Do go on, miss Pearl."

"You said you wanted your troops to accompany us on this operation. Look, we appreciate you being here, but you are on American soil right now. This operation is clandestine in nature. I am not allowed to tell you everything, but I can say that there is something down there that shouldn't be seen by any human... I mean, any foreigner! No offense."

"None taken," the colonel said. "But the Mishas are my responsibility. If one of them goes missing..."

Pearl had an idea: she would appeal to his soft side, if he had one. "And what about your men? What if I told you that there might be pockets of _radiation_ where we're going to dig? Aren't you responsible for the well being of your men?"

"So? We're soldiers. We're used to danger. Why, my uncle, bless his soul, was ordered to Pripyat for clean up duty when..."

"Oh, for f-" Pearl protested, rudely interrupting the man but was in turn interrupted by the melody of 'Volga boatmen's song' playing from the man's cell phone.

"Now who could that be? Excuse me! Hello?" The colonel quickly answered his phone. Recognizing the voice, he instinctively stood to attention. "Colonel Borscht, sir! Yes, Mr... Yes, sir. Yes. Yes, I understand. I will see to it personally!" (click)

Peridot had just finished her own call and was now grinning triumphantly. "Did you get new orders, colonel?" she asked.

"Yes," the colonel replied. Facing Pearl, he spoke: "Well, miss Pearl, looks like your friend has some powerful friends. The Mishas are now at your disposal; I will order my men to get some R&R - I believe that's the correct American term?"

"It is. Thank you. Tell me, was that Donald Trump that just called you?"

The good Russian colonel smiled and said: "No. Even though I don't mind being a part of a shady joint Russia-USA operation, I don't exactly take orders from presidential _candidates._ Good day to you."

"Good day," Pearl replied. "Oh, and Beach City is a wonderful town for some R&R at this time of the year!"

-o-

Having dealt with the helpful Russians, Pearl reviewed her to-do list. "All right. Peridot, you can go oversee the exhuming operation. Me and Amethyst..."

"Why are you talking like you're the one in charge?" Peridot protested.

"What? What gives you the right to..." But before she could really start an argument with Peridot, Pearl reconsidered her arguments. _Calm down. Be the bigger person._ "Ahem. Peridot, could you please go fire up the Mishas? I am going to test the kinetic  & energy dual function shields, and for that I would like to have Amethyst as my assistant."

Peridot was humbled by Pearl's unexpected politeness. "Oh. OK. Understood. Good," was all she could think of for a response. Still looking embarrassed, she added: "Thank you. Good luck!"

"That's our Peri," Amethyst commented after Peridot had left. "So, what did you need my help with again?"

"I wish to test the shields that I have installed in my Sky Pearl fighter. Well, it's not so much as a working fighter - it's basically a test bed for the shields and maybe weapons. Do you have any empty soda cans in your room?"

Amethyst realized that Pearl really didn't need Amethyst's help in carrying soda cans. It was more likely that she simply wanted an excuse to spend some time together. The realization made Amethyst feel all tingly inside, but she decided to play along. Perhaps an opportunity for cuddling would present itself...

"Oh. I actually took them to the recycling center," Amethyst said. "Didn't even eat them. I'm taking a break from soda, but will empty bean cans do?"

"They will do just fine," Pearl assured. "I will go get the Q-34 Matter modulator rifle. Meet me at the barn!"

"Sure thing!"

...

The Sky Pearl fighter was a rather unimpressive looking craft. In fact, it looked more like an escape vehicle, but it wasn't meant for mass production, let alone galactic warfare.

Pearl placed three empty bean cans on top of the fighter's wing and after summoning a strange looking energy weapon, stepped away from the craft. "Here, I will let you do the honors," she said, handing the weapon to Amethyst.

"So... what am I supposed to do with this?" Amethyst asked.

"Take a shot at the bean cans. If my calculations are correct..."

ZADABLAP! Amethyst wasted no time. Her aim was on target, but the energy shields absorbed the hit, producing a beautiful sparkling light effect.

Amethyst made a whistling sound and handed the weapon to Pearl. "Wow! A working energy shield! You've outdone yourself, P. But isn't this technically an Earth weapon? Do you think the shields can absorb Homeworld weapons?"

"No, but this is just a prototype. Remember that if everything goes according to plan, we don't even have to use them."

"Yeah, because we are attacking, not defending," Amethyst concurred. "I mean, it's not as if we _aren't_ going to tackle the Homeworld with the cluster. What's a little gemocide after breakfast, right?"

"I hope it doesn't come to that, either," Pearl said, lying through her teeth. "One more test remains. Pick up a rock and fling it at the bean cans!"

"Sure thing!" With that, Amethyst put her old softball arm to good use and tossed a small rock with all her strength at the bean cans.

"Zadababoing," said the shield barrier as the rock was deflected.

"Cool. Let me guess: that protects us from, like, asteroids or something?"

"Yes," Pearl said, an evil smile starting to appear on her face. "Asteroids. Or bits and pieces of Homeworld. Debris left from their warships. Twisted metal. Diamond shards..."

"Dude, you're sounding a little too much like Peridot right now," Amethyst protested. "Your mojo is making the ground shake, too. Snap out of it!"

True enough, the ground was shaking, but Pearl's mojo was not responsible for it.

"What? I'm not doing anything..."

Before either of the gems could summon their weapons, _something_ emerged from the ground with an explosion of sand and dirt, all but blinding them.

"What is that thing?! A corrupted gem?" Amethyst coughed.

"It looks like a human, but be on your guard!"

As the dust slowly settled, the gems saw that the mysterious creature was in fact humanoid, at least in shape. Wiping dust from its shoulders, the creature spoke: "Ah, ladies, I assume that you are referring to me. Please allow me to introduce myself: William Charles (but you can call me W.C.) McCholer of McCholer, McCholer & Beil, attorney at law, senior associate, copyright & censorship law (TM), graduated at the Wannsee Law School with top honors. I take it that you are Pearl Crystal and Amethyst Crystal of the Crystal Gems?"

"What... I... It's just Pearl and Amethyst", Pearl replied, already wondering if she should summon her spear.

W.C.'s fingers were already dancing on the touch screen of his PDA. "Very good. I am so glad I didn't take the left from Albuquerque after all. Let me see... ah, gimme just a sec, I'll update the case file... I don't want to waste your time, or mine (especially mine), so how about we get down to brass tacks?"

"Uh sure, I guess... Pearl?" Amethyst said.

"Look, Mr McCholer..." Pearl began.

"Please, W.C.! I insist," the man insisted.

"Fine. Look, W.C., we were in the middle of a very important test and..."

"Which is exactly what we need to discuss," the man said, interrupting Pearl and surviving. "My law firm represents several movie directors, producers, game developers and publishing companies in the US alone. You see, my job as a copyright attorney is to protect their intellectual properties. Your development of the... let me see... a matter modulator and dual function energy shields are several violations of the DMCA, not to mention several copyright laws overseas. As it is..."

"Look, we don't have time for this," Pearl said, her voice betraying the anticipation of frustration. " _Our_ job as Crystal Gems is to protect the safety of Earth and its inhabitants..."

"A noble cause, no doubt," W.C. interrupted again. "I am sure that you have acted without any malicious intent towards my clients, which is why we can reach an agreement that will satisfy all parties involved."

"He's making us an offer which we can't refuse," Amethyst quipped, giving her best Italian businessman impersonation.

"Ah, hah, hah," the lawyer laughed, faking it. "I see you have a great sense of humor. Don't you agree, miss (it's miss, isn't it) Pearl? Anyway, back to the brass tacks. If you agree to turn over your illegally developed technology, including the matter modulator, the shield generator and the prototype space fighter along with the blueprints and agree to pay a measly sum of $147,397, we can avoid going to court."

"Really? That's it?" Pearl asked in a fake sweet voice.

"Yes. That's it. I mean, you'll have to sign a non-disclosure agreement, too. Oh, I almost forgot: you'll have to promise to refrain from developing any similar weapons or energy shield technologies."

The expression on Pearl's face wasn't exactly sweet. "Look, mister, there's a hostile alien force, hailing from Homeworld itself, one that is about to turn Earth into rubble and we are going to need some advanced technology, especially if Peridot's plan with the cluster fails!"

The lawyer raised an eyebrow. "The cluster? Is that something that is patented?"

"Otnay ayay ordway aboutyay ethay usterclay, Earlpay!" Amethyst interjected. "Look, we get that you're a lawyer and you're just doing your job, but if we don't stop Homeworld, there won't anything to patent or extort! Earth go boom! _No dinero, comprende_? Can't you just burrow... uh, walk away?"

"I'm afraid not. Nothing is more sacred to me than copyright laws. Yessiree, not a darn thing. Why, the stories I could tell you... Have you heard about the time we prevented Google from distributing 5 billion digitized books on the internet? A huge collection of mankind's wisdom, equal to the Great Library of Alexandria, you know, the one which was sadly lost in a fire."

Amethyst turned away, hoping that neither Pearl or W.C. could see the sudden guilty look on her face.

"What is your point?" Pearl asked.

"The point is that the loss of the Great Library was an accident, and by accident I mean that it wasn't legal. _That_ was the real tragedy! Throw the match, I say, as long as it's legal. Books, paintings, cars, people, it doesn't matter, as long as it's done by the book, pun intended, ha ha! Besides, you wouldn't copy a human, would you? That's another reason why we need copyright laws, and... Um, what exactly am I looking at now? Is that the..."

"Yes, it is. You are looking straight into the barrel of the Q-34 matter modulator," Pearl explained. She was indeed aiming the weapon right at the lawyer. "You see, I just thought of a new test: how will the energy burst react with bio matter? A worthy experiment, wouldn't you agree?"

W.C. shrugged, and to Pearl's surprise, he was still smiling. "I can't comment on the scientific or the ethics part, really. Speaking as a layman, I would assume that the blast will kill me, which brings us to the judicial side of things. I'd say we're looking at... Well, I wouldn't call it a murder. It's more like a voluntary manslaughter, at least... You know what? I think we can call it an involuntary manslaughter, providing that you sign the agreement I mentioned earlier. I will not hold a grudge over loss of life, as long as you don't break any copyright laws in the process. Let me remind you that I'm not a criminal lawyer; I'm a..."

"A copyright troll," Pearl finished. Before W.C. could correct her, she pulled the trigger.

Amethyst screamed, presumably trying to prevent Pearl. Thankfully, she was too late.

A bright blob of energy struck W.C. McCholer, attorney at law, right in the chest, turning him into a sizzling puddle of sickly green goo, some of which splashed on Pearl's face.

"Ow! Hot, hot! Ow..."

"WELL NO SHIT IT'S HOT!" Amethyst yelled. "YOU JUST BLASTED HIM AT POINT BLANK RANGE AND THE PLASMA FLEW EVERYWHERE! WHAT THE HELL, PEARL?!"

"I'm fine!" Pearl assured. "I'm OK! Really! It doesn't hurt that much!"

Amethyst shook her head in disbelief. "Pearl... Jesus, Pearl..."

"Look, Amy, I know you're upset, but everything is fine..."

"Pearl, you just killed a man! You killed a human being! Tomato - you - aubergine - killed - potato - a - turnip - human - carrot - being. Do you understand?!"

"No I didn't - look! He just needs some time to reform. From what it looks like, all his molecules are right there! They're just reorganized. This isn't an anti matter gun!"

"Yeah, right, except that..." _Humans can't reform, you idiot! And now you have to explain to his wife and kids or whoever is waiting for him that he's not coming home ever again! How do you like that?!_ But Amethyst suddenly caught herself in the middle of her sentence as thoughts of Homeworld invasion and the horrible guilt Pearl would have to carry struck her. Better let Pearl believe that everything was fine, at least for the moment. "Oh, never mind. Let's just pack up and get out of here."

 _If this is really what being with Pearl is like, so be it. I'm not going to nag at her over every human she shoots. But is this really Pearl? Has the green nerd brainwashed her?_

"Good idea," Pearl said. "We'll have to find a more secure location for weapon tests, and... Amethyst? Is something wrong?"

Amethyst sighed heavily. "Look, what you just did was a very Peridot thing to do (not that I would know). Tell me the truth: have you two actually fused recently?"

"What are you saying? Me and Peridot? Oh, no, no, no! I'm in a relationship with you now, so it's just the two of us."

 _Dummy._ "You forgot Sheena."

"I mean, three of us. Three is a company. Four is a crowd. Isn't that what we agreed on?"

"We didn't, but let's agree now. If you get smitten by some moron like mayor Dewey..."

"That won't happen!"

"Okay, but you know what I mean: If you fall for someone like him, give me a heads up so I can smack some sense into you. And no more disintegrations!"

"Agreed. Cross my gem."

"Good."

As Amethyst started to clean the scene of any incriminating evidence, Pearl inspected the energy rifle.

 _I wonder if I should stick another warning label on it?_

-o-

"

Amethyst's diary

audio-to-text, isn't that a cool format, bitches

stardate: who cares

do not read without permission or a bribe (I prefer roast zebra... scratch that. Pork chops will do just fine)

Okay then. Where do I begin? I'm not good in this stuff. I don't usually keep a diary... well, ever. But so much has happened recently, and Dr. Phil or someone recommended keeping a diary. Said it helps keeping your thoughts in order.

bah

Peridot told Yellow Diamond that she loved her. I'm sure she was only trolling her - I guess I'm to blame, as I can be a baaaad influence - but she didn't laugh about it afterwards. Troll or not, oh boy, did Yellow Diamond ever fall for it. She ate the hook, line and sinker, everything. Note to self: get more marshmallows and caramel sauce - yummy!

Garnet is confident that we have time. But Peridot isn't, she's telling us to work harder. Nerd

her crazy plan is going well. She has apparently used her connections to Russia to get all these robo bears over here, and now they are digging up the cluster. It's pretty crazy. I'm a warrior and I don't get scared easily, but it's pretty fucked up.

Pearl and Peridot are working together, literally side by side once again. They're building the rocket boosters, weapons and some kind of small space ships.

I'm not gonna lie: watching the two geniuses has been really fun! They're so full of themselves - first they argue, then they agree with each other, praising each other - at this point I told them to get a room and then impact, boom! - they try to shoo me away. Then, after several hours of hard, honest work, they start arguing again. Pearl goes: We need to do this! And Peri goes: No, we'll do this my way! Then Pearl goes 'Oh, all right' and then something blows in Peri's face and she's like 'Ow! Ow! I'm okay! I'm okay! and then 'Now we know not to do that - let's try your solution!'

I think I'm detecting some jealousy from Lapis' part, even though she knows that Peridot isn't going to run off to Las Vegas with Pearl. It's a good thing that Lapis has her hands full of work - she's overseeing the cluster excavation operation. We need someone over there to see that the Earth doesn't collapse on itself.

So yeah, the whole cluster thing is creepy - foot by foot, the thing is slowly emerging. We are actually directing it to a spot in the middle of the desert - can't waste the Kindergarten. It has too much historic value. Just to be safe, we've dismantled and evacuated ALL equipment from the control room as well as the gem essence injectors, although I'm not sure if we ever need them. It's not like we are going to colonize a planet all by ourselves.

Me, Garnet and Skinny are busy, too. We're getting all kinds of stuff from all around the world - electric components, radioactive isotopes, food, space gunpowder or something and so on. Steven oversees the unloading of the stuff. He's really good with a loudspeaker! We didn't even have to squeeze Greg's bank account, as that (ugh) Trump guy gave us some money. And Connie, the little criminal, hacked a small amount of two million dollars for us.

Note to self: cut down on Cheetos maybe? My pocket computer gets all dirty.

Then there's this Pyrite. Poor gem... she never _wanted_ to be a warrior or anything. She mentioned her troops earlier - they are still stuck in that damn cluster. I don't want to be in Pyrite's shoes if she ever comes near it. Something tells me it won't exactly be a happy reunion. Not unless we can somehow magically de-fuse the entire cluster. Easier said than done

She's spending a lot of time in training arena but she just sits there. I guess she just needs time. I've been sneaking her some food, though. Not that she needs food. Sometimes, she notices me and kind of smiles at me. She doesn't try to shoo me off, so I guess that's good.

Whenever there's a break from construction work, Pearl, Steven and Connie train with swords. Since Pyrite has occupied the arena, they duke it out on the beach. Sometimes they get an audience. Rumor has it that Spielberg himself has been among the crowd. Maybe the kids can become movie actors, like those karate film stars. If we can actually defeat the Diamond clods, that is

Huh, I don't usually say 'clod'. Peridot has been rubbing on me. Not that I wouldn't call the Diamonds 'clods' myself

Note to self, only make diary in my own room when the door is locked

Anyway, I guess I'm avoiding the really, really heavy stuff...

We totally did not kill a human being

Copyright trolls, like all trolls, they regenerate

It's really a thing I think. Even if it's not, I can't blame Pearl and not only because I love her

Speaking of Pearly, I've been spying - tack-fully observing her and Sheena from a distance. The two have somehow found time for each other. Ughhh... it's not easy to write about this, but here goes:

One day, when I was um observing them, Sheena spotted me! I thought I was going to poof out of embarrassment, but she didn't seem to mind. I just happened to be there but they wouldn't believe me. You'll never guess what happened then, dear diary or whoever is reading this. They invited me along - Sheena did. I thought she was just being nice, but there was something about the way she looked at me - Pearl must have put a good word for me heh. She didn't seem to mind, so yeah...

Pearl Pearl Pearl Pearl Pearl Pearl

Saying someone's name over and over again is fun and it's totally working

We've gone out together, all three of us, for a couple of times now. Sheena is really cool, just like my Pearl. I don't actually butt in with them every time they go out together, but when I do, I try to not to cause any trouble. Oh Stars, I just wrote 'my Pearl'... We haven't really talked about _stuff_ , though. Until yesterday: something INTERESTING happened. I better not actually write about it.

...

Garnet is going to be mad at me . I found her stash

drank all her vodka he he

dear diary disreggard earlier stuff. this is important. Yesterday we ended up into the same bath tub. Gotta stay clean right? we got a little carried away BUT IT was just as planned. I can't decide which on makes the cutest sounds, Pearl or Sheena

fflllll (thud) zzz-zzz, zzz-zzz...

"

-o-

Amethyst woke up with a searing headache. "Oh, damn it. Not this again..."

As her eyes came into focused, she found herself laying on her '70 vintage sofa which was mostly clean. At least it had been fumigated. Her mouth felt dry and there were bits of cheese puffs stuck in the corners of her mouth. So far, everything was normal.

What was strange, however, was the fact that she wasn't in her own room. Recognizing the waterfalls, pools and elegant architecture, Amethyst realized that she was actually in Pearl's room.

The entire Temple shook suddenly. It didn't exactly help with Amethyst's headache or the civil war inside her digestive system. "Whoops, I almost forgot: I don't _have_ to suffer from a headache!" Amethyst rubbed her temples, humming audibly and just like that, the headache was gone. As much as Amethyst enjoyed emulating the human body and the sensations it provided, she wasn't masochistic enough to go through an actual hangover.

Even though Amethyst now felt much better, a sensation of _urgency_ reminded her that it was time she took a swim in the ocean. She briefly considered perusing the pools in Pearl's room, but the tidy gem might get mad.

Somehow, Amethyst made it just in time. The water was a bit too cool for her taste, but the feeling of relief outweighed such trivialities. Having thus averted one catastrophe, she decided not to start her day by complaining.

Back inside the Temple, Amethyst dried her hair and made some coffee. With a cup of hot coffee (decaf) in her hand, she sat on the sofa and turned the TV on. Some moron had left the shopping channel selected, and Amethyst was bombarded by commercials which, in combination of the decaffeinated coffee, made her fall asleep again. Little did she know that the commercials would invade her dreams...

A handsome, bearded man greeted Amethyst. "HI, BILLY MAYS HERE! HAVE YOU EVER WANTED TO MAKE HAMBURGERS FOR A REALLY SPECIAL OCCASION?"

"Yes, I have... but... Hold on, what special occasion?"

"WELL LET ME TELL YOU! WITH THE ACME HAMBURGER-O-MATIC 2000, YOU CAN MAKE ALL KINDS OF HAMBURGERS! IT'S PERFECT FOR BIRTHDAYS, BAR MITZVAS, WEDDINGS, FUNERALS AND THE UPCOMING VICTORY CELEBRATION!"

"Wait, what? Victory celebration? As in..."

"THAT'S RIGHT! WHAT BETTER WAY TO CELEBRATE EARTH'S VICTORY OVER HOMEWORLD THAN EATING A TON OF HAMBURGERS AND GETTING A CORONARY ARTERY DISEASE? BUT IF YOU ARE A GEM, YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THAT!"

"We won?!"

"IF YOU CALL NOW, I'LL DOUBLE THE OFFER, CHOP THE PRICE IN HALF, TOSS IN A SIGNED AUTOGRAPH AND SOME BROCCOLI IN MUSHROOM SAUCE!"

"Come on, dude, just tell me if we really won the war!"

"FOR YOU, MUSHROOM SAUCE WITH HALF THE PRICE!"

"Ugh, no thanks!"

Just then, Amethyst woke up to the familiar sensation of someone poking her cheek.

"What do you mean 'no thanks?!' Wake up! Yes, you! Hey, I'm talking to you - wake up, Amethyst!"

"Maybe we should let her sleep. Remember, she was born on Earth, and..."

"That's no excuse! In fact, that's exactly why she shouldn't sleep so much, especially not now! Amethyst, wake up right now!"

"Come on, leave her alone."

"Hmph. Some bodyguard she is."

"I'm awake, I'm awake," Amethyst groaned. "Peridot? Lapis?"

"Oh, you still recognize us," Peridot complimented. "Well, it's a start. Now let's see you sit up!"

"Peri... Hey, Peri, is it finally over?"

"What?"

"The war... the Homeworld attacking us... Is it over? Did we win?"

"What? No! We're just about to get started!" Peridot exclaimed.

"Oh, damnit. For a moment I thought... damn. Why can't it be over already?"

Peridot was about to say something, but Lapis shushed her and sat next to Amethyst. "We know exactly how you feel. But if there's anything I've learned on this planet, it's that you can't turn your back on your duty. I know this even if I'm not an official Crystal Gem myself. Peridot, why don't you tell the _news_ to Amethyst?"

Peridot understood that admonishing Amethyst for her sleep (and drinking) cycle was a no-no. "Okay. The reason we woke you up is that the cluster ship is complete."

The cluster...? Amethyst blinked her eyes, trying to absorb what Peridot had said. She looked at Lapis, who nodded.

"That's right, all done! Our cluster ship has all the goodies for an interstellar mission: thrusters, crew quarters, hangar for Pearl's fighter craft and weapon hard points. We made a huge dent on the desert when we extracted the cluster, though. It caused an earthquake and some nasty storms, but those will blamed on the (completely fake) climate change.

All in all, we're ready to attack the Homeworld, and..."

"Now hold on for a second... Attack Homeworld?"

Peridot sighed. "That's what I said, didn't I? We're ready to... Hmm, no, wait, we still have a few things to do before we kick the thing into orbit. Let me check my notes:

1) Christen the ship. According to Earth traditions, we smash an alcohol container against the cluster ship. Too bad _somebody_ drank all the alcohol...

2) Anoint the mission commander (Me, Peridot, of course) and go through the chain of command and individual assignments once more. Since you're an expert shapeshifter, you can be an attack helicopter or a space marine.

3) Hug time (group hug)... Now hold on, who wrote this? Looks like human handwriting. Oh well, moving on:

4) Pay the Russian Misha/Cheburashka operators and send them home. That's already taken care off.

5) Weapons, shields and defense systems need to be tested and installed.

6) Worst case scenario: Evacuation of selected human specimens and gem technology in the case of Homeworld victory. I'd like to erase this one off the list, but nothing is guaranteed, except my undying romantic love for Lapis Lazuli and sisterly love towards the rest of our crew.

No objections? Good. That will be all. Why are you guys smiling?"

Peridot had clearly experienced a very specific kind of blackout. As if bound by an unspoken agreement, both Amethyst and Lapis held their tongues. The poor purple gem however collapsed and began rolling on the floor, biting her arm in an attempt to keep herself from howling with laughter.

"Peridot, why don't you go on ahead. I'll stay here with Amethyst for awhile," Lapis said, face entirely dark blue.

"Very well, _sergeants_ Lapis and Amethyst. I expect you at the Barn warp pad in 15 minutes. Carry on!"

Lapis made a military salute which Peridot returned, casting a glance at Amethyst who was still acting strangely: you could say that she was in a state of acting very strange. Unlike logical and intelligent Peridots, quartz warriors can be very strange sometimes. The green gem sighed, stepped on the warp pad and was transported away.

"Aaaaand our little green Aphrodite strikes again!" Amethyst said. "Well, if there is any moral here, it's gotta be that you shouldn't drink yourself to a coma. You're going to miss out on the _really_ weird stuff. But I sure am glad I didn't miss Peri's _informative_ briefing just now!"

"Yes. Informative. It was very informative," Lapis agreed, trying to keep herself from smiling. "I have to thank you for..."

But before she could finish the sentence, Amethyst yelled: "AAAAHH! DID YOU HEAR IT?! PERIDOT SAID THAT SHE..."

Lapis placed her hand on Amethyst's mouth just in time. "Shh! Quiet! Amethyst, please, calm down! Will you please be quiet?"

Lapis' hand still preventing her from shouting, Amethyst nodded twice, so Lapis slowly took her hand off.

"Okay. Okay. I'm calm. But you gotta tell me everything that has happened between the two of you!"

"I don't know! I'm just as surprised as you, really!"

"Hmph. I don't believe a word. You're keeping me in the dark," Amethyst protested.

Lapis fought the urge to fly way. Seeing Amethyst so excited (and obviously happy) about the implications of Peridot's little gaffe, she decided against it. "I'm not keeping you in the dark! Peridot is just being Peridot again. You know how she is."

Amethyst had a sudden realization: being too nosy might break the magic she had just witnessed. She had to allow Lapis change the subject, at least for now. "Yeah, I guess you're right. Anyway, is there anything _else_ that I should know about?"

"Yes. Peridot's new boss learned about our mission."

"Well, isn't that just wonderful. Lemme guess: he wants Peridot to stay on Earth?"

"No. He insists on coming with us."

"WHAT? Why? Oh, wait, he's going to destroy the Homeworld and come back to Earth to be hailed as some kind of hero, so he can be crowned an Emperor. Is that it?"

"Maybe. Not that I care," Lapis said. "I'm afraid we are going to have to let him come aboard. Peridot said that he donated lots of money so we could get the equipment and the materials we needed."

"Ugh. Money... It's always the money... Well, fine! If he wants to buy a ticket to an interplanetary war zone, who am I to stop him."

"So... You're going to be OK with him coming along?"

"Sure, sure... Me and Donald... Look, it isn't a Pearl/Dewey - type of deal, OK?"

Lapis tilted her head. Just like Amethyst, she had been clearly been bitten by the gossip fly and wanted to hear more. Besides, she genuinely liked Amethyst, especially her 'not-dealing-any-bullshit' part. The quartz warrior was always ready to deliver a joke, but she never tried to manipulate or mislead anyone with them. "Are you sure?"

"Don't worry about me, I'm fine. Let's get going."

"Good! The others are waiting for us."

-o-

It was huge. The cluster, an unholy abomination rested on the desert floor. On top of it laid the "space ship" the gems had constructed, holding on to the cluster with eight metallic claws like a spider clutching oversized prey. The ship had a curious modular design, each section having a different function: crew quarters, reactors, storage room, bathrooms and Pearl's favorite part, the space fighter hangars. The cluster itself gave an eerie glow, illuminating the immediate area. Curious seagulls circled the cluster/space ship, keeping their distance.

Peridot, Steven, Connie, Garnet, Pearl and the warrior poet/actor Pyrite were waiting for Amethyst and Lapis, who emerged from the nearby warp pad. Skinny Jasper had been given a huge responsibility of preparing the Earth for the worst case scenario of an actual invasion. If the worst came to worst, Skinny would take command of the ruby ship and (forcibly) evacuate a carefully selected group of Beach City residents, along with bubbled gems, records and valuable artifacts from the Temple.

Amethyst was still staring at the cluster when they joined the others. In her amazement, she didn't notice that a certain important person was absent.

"Ahem," Peridot ahemed. "As much as I'd like to hold a long speech, we don't have time for it. Yes, I can see the disappointment on your faces, but once we kick Homeworld's butt, I will make up for it.

I have studied Earth military traditions and I have found that each warship must have a really menacing name. It's all part of the psycho-logical warfare. Does anyone have any suggestions?"

Yep, they sure did. Our heroes carefully considered the following names:

\- Minotaur. Very menacing but rejected because it wasn't an original name. Some British warships had been actually named Minotaur, and it was unwise to step on the toes of British war history buffs like that.

\- Enterprise. Rejected because of copyright crap once again.

\- Shiva's Wrath. Same as above, plus cultural and religious sensitivities.

\- Valkyrie. That was Pearl's suggestion, just to annoy Amethyst. Pearl withdrew her suggestion after Amethyst covertly slapped her butt. Everyone pretended to not notice.

After wasting 15 minutes arguing about the ship's name, they eventually settled for "Pumpkin." Surely, "Pumpkin" wouldn't offend anyone. (They were dead wrong, but that's another story.)

"Good! So, Pumpkin it is," Garnet said. "But I foresee more arguing, or debating at least."

"Well, I will not allow any more arguing," Peridot said. "Because from now on, I am the commander of this mission. Me, Peridot, the mission commander! My first order will be..."

"Hold on for a second," Pearl interjected. "Forgive me for interrupting, but Garnet is our leader. Shouldn't she be our mission commander?"

"No! This is _my_ mission and my plan, even if you all have contributed to it. But I have been the most... What is the term? Ah, I have been most the instrumental Crystal Gem. So, I am the commander now. Garnet, for all her awesomeness, is not fit to lead this mission. But she can be my second-in-command!"

Pearl turned to Garnet, managing to suppress an eye twitch. Before Pearl could say anything, Garnet spoke: "Peridot has a point. I'm not going to lead this time."

"What?! Why?"

Garnet gave a sigh. "There might be a time when someone else has to step up and take leadership of the Crystal Gems. I could be poofed, unfused or otherwise inconvenienced. If and when that day comes, one of you has to take the lead. I know that I'm here right now, and I will fight for Earth just as I always have, but for this mission, I won't be leading you. As a matter of fact, I won't even be the second-in-command."

"But..."

"But nothing! Trust me. This is for the best."

Pearl composed herself surprisingly quickly. After all, if Garnet refused the leadership position, she surely had a damn good reason for it. "In that case, I nominate myself! I have always been the number two. I have served under Rose Quartz during the rebellion and under Garnet after that. Logically, I am the best choice!"

Peridot found her 'most annoying brat in the world' - voice and used it: "Well, _logically,_ you can continue to be the number two, then!"

"I can settle this for you," Amethyst said, not really serious. "We're going to war, so we're going to need a warrior as the big boss. Ta-da! That's me. Anyone else want to lead?" She glanced at Lapis, but the blue gem simply shook her head.

Pyrite however saw the potential humor of the situation. "If I was a real general, I would nominate myself, and... Hmmm, what the heck! I'll be your commander."

"Unacceptable! One hundred percent unacceptable!" Peridot objected. "Amethyst, you are my bodyguard, so I'm your boss. Pyrite, you lost the duel to Steven and Connie... Um, that is..."

"Excuse me, but none of you got it right," Connie spoke. "Mission commander is someone who actually stays on Earth during space flights! If you don't even have your terminology right, it casts a shadow over your suitability for a leadership position."

Steven cleared his throat. "Good point. Peridot, we really appreciate everything you've done for us. But I really think that I have to be the one who leads. I am a human-gem hybrid - I have Rose's gem, and I just know that I can (somehow) draw from her strength and wisdom, and..."

"Steven, that's... not how it works," Pearl interrupted him. "You just can't (somehow) gain the full mastery of all the powers Rose had been born with. I think it's best if I take lead, because..."

"Objection!"

"Who said that?" Steven asked. The voice who had objected to Steven's leadership didn't belong to Connie; it was too masculine.

"Oh no," Amethyst groaned. "Not him..."

-o-

There was a knock on Dr. Priyanka Maheswaran's (mother of the future Lady Empress Constance Maheswaran-Universe) door. She quickly opened her desk drawer and hid the letter she had been reading. After making sure that the drawer was locked, she pressed a green button labeled 'enter' on her desk console.

An older gentlemen wearing doctor's overalls stepped in and closed the door behind him. "Hello, Priyanka."

Recognizing the man as her coworker - Dr. Kiptanui - Priyanka greeted him. She had often counted her blessings for having a great team of coworkers, and Dr. Kiptanui was no exception. "Oh, hi, Moses! What brings you here?"

"Well, I heard that the big boss is wondering why you ordered _every_ STD test known to modern medicine to a couple of young men today. It's not standard procedure, and..."

"I know that!" Priyanka snapped, surprising even herself. "Um, sorry. Please go on."

"And you know as well as I that those tests aren't free. They cost money, so... I just thought I'd mention it."

"Thanks. But if it's money that papa bear is worried about, he can go and stick his own penis up his anus. I mean it."

"What's with the 'Nam expressions?"

"I wasn't in Vietnam. I'm not that old! Besides, Vietnam vets swear less than doctors."

"I didn't mean to imply any of that, oh no. It's just you don't normally swear."

Priyanka took a deep breath. "Health of the patients has no price tag. Hell, I'll go sell myself on the street for donations if that's what it takes." _Where did all that come from?!_ Priyanka thought. But of course she knew the answer.

"I... um... Well, that's one way of doing things," Dr. Kiptanui said. "But I'm sure it won't come to that."

"Maybe not." Noticing that there was probably something else her colleague wanted to say, she asked: "I know that look. There's something else, isn't there?"

Dr. Kiptanui hesitated for a moment. "Yes. There is. Did you receive Mrs. Miller yesterday?" There was a genuine concern in his voice. _Uh-oh._

"You mean the little old lady with the purple and black blouse? Yes, I did. I wrote her a prescription of..."

"Salt tablets," Kiptanui finished. "Mrs. Miller, 74, resident of Beach City, suffers from high blood pressure and you prescribed salt tablets for her! Those tablets were supposed to go to a Mr. Miller who also happens to live in Beach City!"

Priyanka bolted up from her seat, having turned almost Caucasian. After taking a few sharp breaths, she managed to find her voice and asked: "Is she...?"

"She is fine," Kiptanui assured her. "I took care that she got the right medicine. It was lucky that I... No, luck had nothing to do with it. Look, I've been worried about you. Is there something that's bothering you?"

Relieved that the Beach City Hospital was spared of a particularly nasty lawsuit, Priyanka sat down. _Not at all! It's just that my daughter is going to war with her friends against an extraterrestrial army of murderous gems who want to destroy our planet. Even if Earth survives, my daughter might not. My sweet baby girl might die horribly and there's not a damn thing I can do to prevent it._

"I'm fine," Priyanka said. "It's just that... I think the stress has finally caught up with me. Heh, I always boasted that it would never happen to me, but here we are."

Dr. Kiptanui raised an eyebrow. Clearly his colleague was hiding something, but he decided not to push the issue. After all, nobody had died. "Well, we're only human, everyone of us. And we all have to be reminded of that sometimes. I assume you know what I'm going to suggest next?"

"That I take rest of the day off?"

"Not enough. Take the rest of the week off. Remember, this is a small town. Me and the rest of the guys can cover for you," Kiptanui said with a smile. "Go on, get outta here."

"Moses, I don't know how to thank you..."

"It's fine. Just get yourself some rest. Oh, and I hope you'll return the favor if I ever start to burn out."

"I will. Thank you. Hey, would you like to see the autograph I got from Lincoln?"

"You're not _that_ old..."

-o-

Amethyst and the rest of the gang turned to face the not so mysterious voice. As expected, it was Donald trump. What was not expected was the squad of ruby soldiers who were accompanying him.

" _Calma, amigas,_ "Trump said, noticing that Amethyst was reaching for her gem. "Didn't the others tell you?"

"Tell me what?"

"These little red gems are working for me now. I figured that I might need body guards, even if they are only for show."

"We are not just for show, sir!" one of the rubies piped up. "As we have explained to you, we are 100% capable of fighting, and..."

"Yeah, yeah, I'm not paying for you to talk." Turning to the crystal gang, he said: "I hear you're looking for a leader? Look no further," Trump said, pointing at himself. "You know I almost went to Vietnam. I got military training, you see. Besides, we're fighting for America's... um, for Earth's survival. Humans are the majority of Earth's people, so it goes without saying that a human should lead this operation!"

This was the perfect cue for Connie. "But I am a human too, and a much better candidate. I'm much younger than you, so I have much more to lose than you. I also have actual combat experience against the very enemy we are going to be fighting against. I, Connie Maheswaran, represent Earth and its future. Clearly I am the best choice."

"Now hold on!" Amethyst shouted. "The rubies - they just decided to switch sides while I was asleep?"

"They did," Garnet said. "Peridot managed to convince Yellow Diamond that Pyrite had been shattered. So, we decided to feed her another lie: that one of the Homeworld rubies had managed to avoid capture. Despite the great acting skills of the Ruby you know, we feared that Yellow Diamond could somehow identify her, so we decided to offer these Homeworld rubies a chance to work for us."

"Huh. What did you guys tell Yellow Diamond?"

One of the rubies took two steps forward. "I contacted Yellow Diamond and told her that I had managed to release the rest of my squad, and that Pyrite hadn't been shattered, that Peridot had lied to her, that we had captured every rebel gem, and that the cluster had destroyed the Earth, and that we would be bringing it back to Homeworld as soon as possible."

"Don't tell me she bought all that!"

They had shown Yellow Diamond a clip of Alderaan exploding. It had been a tragedy, but it had happened in a galaxy far, far away from Delmarwa. The smug grin on Garnet's face confirmed that Yellow Diamond had been thoroughly fooled.

"What a clever plan! It reminds me of something I read in some book: if you want people to believe lies, you have to tell really big lies," Trump said cryptically.

"That was unnecessarily cryptic," Lapis commented. "Welcome to the turncoat brigade."

Peridot frowned at Lapis' comment.

"Well, I'm taking our new friends to see Beach City," Amethyst said. "Come on, guys!"

Before Trump could relieve the rubies (for he couldn't say no to Amethyst), Garnet spoke: "I'm afraid that will have to wait for later. We do have a mission ahead of us."

"Awww, spoilsport," Amethyst said, pouting. "At least tell me why they're helping us - and why would they work as Donald's bodyguards?"

"We have an agreement that benefits everyone," Trump said.

Amethyst wasn't done questioning. "What kind of an agreement?"

"We struck a deal."

"What kind of a deal?"

"I offered them an option!"

"What kind of an option?"

"An option that will be realized later."

"Right. So, when it will be realized?"

"After the election! Oh, and we have to deal with the Diamond communists or whatever they are."

"I see. And what exactly does the option really stand for? Do you mean stock options?"

"Lemme ask you: what does every 'undocumented' 'immigrant' want? A place to stay, that's what!"

"By a place to stay, you mean...?"

"Land! It's that simple. I'm donating them one (1) state of The United States of America (not one state each; just one state _total_ )."

"What?! But... You can't do that! Guys, he can't just hand out an entire state to them! Right?"

Amethyst was puzzled by the lack of shock on everyone's face. Turning to face Trump, she said: "Well I don't suppose you'll tell me which state are you talking about?"

"Canada! A really nice state, they got Wayne Gretzky museum over there. And trees. And Dudley Do-Right. Everything a ruby would want!"

Amethyst relaxed noticeably. "Canada? I guess that's fair, then."

"And so, everyone agreed that Peridot and no one else would lead the heroes of Earth to victory," Peridot narrated.

"Miss future vice president, you wound me," Trump lamented. "But you know what? You got my vote!" _After all, quick pro q, as the saying goes._

"Better Peridot than him," Connie whispered to Steven. "Using Canada as a bargaining chip feels wrong, somehow."

"You got that right," Steven agreed. "What a cruel joke to play on the rubies."

-o-

After Dr. Kiptanui had left Priyanka's office, she took the letter she had been reading earlier out of the drawer and read it once more:

 _Dear Mom,_

 _When you find this letter, you will find me gone, hopefully not for long. I'm writing this in a hurry, so this letter will be shorter than I had wanted. I have taken an extended leave from school - don't ask how I managed to do that - so please don't call them._

 _I had hoped that this day would not come, but the time has come for me to prepare for the invasion of the Homeworld armies (further details are classified). From this moment, I will be spending every waking minute training for the terrible task at hand. I wish I could tell you not to worry too much, but I think it would be pretentious and I would feel bad for lying. Me, Steven and the Gems, all of us are going on a very dangerous mission. There is a possibility, no matter how small, that I will not return home._

 _Please don't attempt to contact the Gems, either. Our mission must remain a secret, and I'm afraid that your presence would distract me. I have to be 100% focused. I hope you don't blame me for not giving you a farewell hug. I hope that the hug I gave you and dad yesterday will have to do._

 _I'm so sorry for the way I have chosen to handle this, but for the safety of our mission, I have to. I wish I could stay at home. But I feel that if I don't go and fight for our home, there won't be a home to come back to._

 _Despite our quarrels, I still think that you're the best mom anyone could ever have. You're the best doctor, too. You save lives every day and you never turn your back on anyone who needs help - not even those without medical insurance._

 _You have always said that being safe is the closest thing to a Maheswaran family motto, but I've learned that any motto that includes the words 'duty', 'compassion', 'honor', and 'courage' would fit us better. I believe that those words describe you. I guess I'm going to be just like you after all. I certainly hope so._

 _I love you and dad very much._

 _Connie Maheswaran, acting warrant officer of the Crystal Gem Space Defense Force_

 _p.s. I have left a similar letter to dad, too. Take care of each other._

-o-

 **A/N:** This story has now claimed _two_ lives, just like that. The fate of the lawyer is yet another tragedy that could have been prevented, but what a way to go!

Will Pearl turn herself in to the authorities? Fat chance! Will she or any of the gems learn the true value of human life? Hopefully not. Coming up next: space collisions - collisions in space.


	31. Aloha

**Chapter 31:** Aloha

-o-

Priyanka Maheswaran glanced at her purse which was resting on the passenger's seat of her Ford Focus. She had carefully stashed Connie's letter among her other belongings and was now considering rereading it. Maybe it would read all different this time: everything was fine and Connie wouldn't have to take part in an interstellar battle. But it was no use fooling oneself. The words on the letter wouldn't change.

Reluctantly, Priyanka turned the ignition key. The drive home felt longer than usual, but she wished that it was even longer. Without Connie, the house felt emptier, and who could say if...

 _Stop it!_

Priyanka cursed herself. _Connie is going to be fine! It's the Homeworld that should be afraid! Think of something else. I'm driving my Ford. An American car. Yes!_

Priyanka had often joked that it was every American's responsibility to favor American cars over imported "rust buckets" or "rice bowls." Over the years, she had stopped thinking about it as a joke, however. She had often teased her husband for driving an older Lancia Delta. "Lancia Delta?" she had said. "More like Pansy-a Delta!"

 _Well, speak of the Devil, and he shall appear!_

Arriving home, Priyanka noticed the familiar vehicle parked outside the garage. Doug was home - then again, how couldn't he be? Connie had left him a letter, too, and no doubt Doug just couldn't continue working as if nothing had happened.

Priyanka found her husband sitting on the living room couch, hunched over. There was a whiskey glass on the table, accompanied by a half empty (or half full) bottle. Long story short, Doug looked simply bad, and the reddened eyes didn't make him look any better. The sight shook Priyanka out of any apocalyptic dread she might have had. _When one is weak, the other one must be strong, and the other way around. I know what we must do._

"Doug, get up."

"Oh, hi honey," Doug replied. "I don't think I can..."

"Yes, you can. Go by the toilet if you must, but you and I are going to step into my car and then we'll drive to the Crystal Temple. We're going to see our daughter."

-o-

Peridot, with her ego inflated like a hot air balloon, was giving orders to her troops (as she now thought of the gems and humans present). "May I have your attention, please!"

"Yep!" Amethyst quipped. There was a chuckle among the gang.

"Thank you," Peridot replied, smiling at the realization that she wasn't annoyed at all. She had improved in recognizing low effort trolling, even though she still had miles to go. "The mission ahead of us will be difficult. We will face many dangers and enemies - everything the Homeworld has, they're going to throw it at us. Even though our Cluster ship - the _Pumpkin_ , as it is called - is virtually invulnerable to any kind of conventional attack, we cannot allow ourselves to become overconfident. Every Achilles has their heel (I know this not because of studying the Greek mythos but because of the pop culture which draws from it, namely Brad Pitt as Achilles in _Troy_ ), just like every Death Star has a weak spot. I just don't know what our weak spot is, but I don't think Homeworld knows either, so we should come on top.

Amethyst! On Earth, you are my bodyguard, but on this mission, you can act as a backup atmospheric assault craft/transport. I have seen how skilled you are in shape changing."

"Aww, back up?" Amethyst protested. "I'm a front line warrior, you know! I want action!"

"Yes, I agree," Peridot replied. "That's why you have a secondary duty: you will serve as our chef. Your expertise in preparing (and consuming) nourishment for Earth life forms hasn't gone unnoticed, either! Steven, Connie and our sponsor and adviser, Mr. Trump - I'll get to your role later - are going to need energy. Congratulations, Amethyst!"

"Oh, it's the good old 'you're _so_ good at this, so you'll get to do it' - gag. Wonderful."

"You're welcome. And yes, it is just as you said: since you're so fond of eating, you must know a lot about cooking, too."

"That's a faulty logic," Pearl objected. "Every time Amethyst cooks something, it's extremely unhealthy! Too much grease and sugar."

"So what? It's not like I'm going to get any heavier than I already am!" Amethyst snapped.

"That's not my point! We have Steven to think about, and I'm worried about him getting more weight!"

"Would you two stop?" Peridot politely suggested. "If I didn't know any better, you are engaging in some kind of debate between romantic companions as presented in e.g. the award winning Canadian telenovela, Camp Pining Hearts."

Pearl and Amethyst shut up, looking away from each other. The quartz warrior however understood that this would also arouse Peridot's suspicion, so she decided (grudgingly) accept her duty as a chef. "Fine, no more fighting. I can cook us some burritos. But it's really time consuming, so I'm going to need an assistant!"

"Any volunteers?" Peridot asked.

One of the rubies had been stealing glances at Amethyst during the entire briefing. Before Steven could raise his hand, the ruby piped up: "I'm volunteering!"

 _And that's all fine and well,_ Donald Trump thought. _That one is much too independent to be a good bodyguard!_

"That's the spirit," the green gem praised the new red one. "You should all be more like our ruby here! What's your name, soldier?"

"Ruby, Facet-125K Cut-9T9!" the ruby proudly announced.

"Looks like I got myself an assistant just now!" Amethyst said, extending her hand to the ruby.

The ruby caught on quickly: this was some kind of rebel greeting, so she extended her hand to Amethyst. Instead of shaking hands, the ruby just stood there with her arm in a lackluster Roman salute until the quartz warrior took a hold of the latter's hand.

This amused Peridot. She remembered how she had been ignorant of the handshaking custom. "Very good, Amethyst. Now you do have an assistant; that is, you now have an underling."

"Nah, 'underling' sounds too Homeworld." Amethyst said. "I'll just call her my partner for now. Say, new ruby, do you know anything about cooking? As in, preparing food for organic lifeforms?"

"Well... no," the ruby admitted. If one looked carefully enough, they could notice that the ruby had slightly different brightness and contrast levels than a few moments before. "It's just that I thought that since we are on Earth, I might want to try someone new... I mean, some _thing_ new! So I would like to work with you. I'm willing to learn how to prepare organic lifeforms for Earth food!"

 _Now this is something I wanted to see_ , Connie thought and smiled. _Those other rubies are motivated by a bad deal, but this one is now driven by excitement and willingness to learn something new, maybe even friendship and love. Maybe the others will also find something to cherish..._

"Heh, that's close enough," Amethyst laughed. "But you're going to need a new name. You see, we can't just call you Ruby, because we already have one, and we don't really do that full facet-cut business. Again, it's too Homeworld."

"Oh! Well, what should I call myself, then?"

"Well, you could borrow Pearl's dictionary, or I could just think up something if that's OK with you," Amethyst suggested.

The ruby's expression brightened considerably. "I'd like that very much. It would be an honor!" Sensing that all the eyes were on her and that her fellow rubies were whispering to each other, she quickly added: "Thank you. I am ready to continue to listen to the important briefing. Ahem."

Peridot somehow had the sense to move on. "Very good. Where was I? Ah, here... Pearl, you can pilot the..."

"Excuse me, but piloting the improved Sky Pearl fighter is my job," Connie interrupted. "Pearl can handle the ASWACS (Air/Spaceborne Warning and Control System) station and point targets to me and Steven. He's going to be my rear gunner."

"We should at least flip a coin," Steven suggested. "I'm a good pilot, too."

"But we can't leave it to chance! Why should we flip a coin?" Connie inquired.

"Why NOT?" Steven argued.

"Ugh! You know what, fine. If it's heads, I'll be the pilot. If it's tails, you'll be the gunner. If the coin lands on its side, you can be the pilot."

As Connie and Steven discussed their role in the upcoming battle, Peridot gave a sigh. At length, she said: "Will you two be quiet for a moment? I was going to say that Pearl can pilot the food cart. Since you two are obviously great at communicating with each other, you will be the fighter crew. But the ritual combat of coin flipping must wait! And I will be the referee. Any objections?"

There were none. Pearl wondered if Peridot had joked about the food cart, but didn't say anything. After all, she could simply rebel afterwards.

"Pearl, you're on the ASWACS, then." Peridot hesitated for a moment before continuing: "Garnet, please don't take offense when I say this, but as far as gem fusions go, you are our number one... um, how should I put it..."

"Number one war machine," Garnet finished. "And don't worry. I'm taking that as a compliment."

"Great! Now then... Since you have future vision, your duty will be dealing with the unexpected, preferably with your fist weapons."

"I can do that," the fusion stated.

"OK. Who's next on the list... Lapis, you are great in traversing space, but your fighting capability is limited due to the lack of readily available water. I'm assigning you to stay on Earth."

"What? No! I'm coming along! Look, I understand that you're afraid -"

"I'm not afraid!" Peridot shouted.

"Well, I am, and there's no shame in admitting it, and I'm coming with you. Maybe I can't fight very well, but I can conduct reconnaissance and pick up objects floating in space, such as ejected Homeworld gems."

Steven felt a buzzing in his pocket. It was his cell phone. "Excuse me, guys, it's my dad." With that, he began to walk farther from the designated briefing area.

Connie watched as Steven answered the phone with a smile on his face. She guessed that Greg had decided to make one last minute call to Steven before they were going to space.

"I have an idea!" Pearl spoke up. "We could load 8000 gallons of water on board - Lapis could use her powers to shoot it at enemy space craft as a kind of freezing water cannon. It's simple, really, I just need a couple of days to build a prototype!"

"I'm surprised you didn't come up with something like that," Garnet said to Peridot. "A good general always makes the best of her troops." Of course she wasn't really surprised.

"Well, I, uh, we Peridots can't always think of everything," Peridot stammered.

"Maybe. Or maybe you're worried that something happens to Lapis."

"Um, Pearl, good idea. Garnet, enough of that. Lapis, you can come along," Peridot spoke quickly. "Moving on. Pyrite, if I have understood correctly, you can hold a weapon and act a little."

Pyrite tapped her chest plate. "I can. I suppose I will be some kind of backup muscle and spy?"

"Actually, I have a mission for Pyrite," Garnet cut in.

Peridot raised her eyebrow. A mission that she wasn't aware of? "What kind of a mission?"

"It's a secret mission," Garnet explained.

"That's not a very detailed explanation," Peridot observed.

"That's right. The mission is so secret that only I know about it."

Peridot understood that it would be fruitless, perhaps even embarrassing to argue with Garnet, at least in the presence of the others. To save face, however, she said: "Very well, Pyrite, you will assist Garnet in her top secret mission. From now on, you will report to her and to her only. Is that understood?"

Pyrite understood: she looked at Garnet, who nodded. "Understood," the armored gem said.

"That leaves us with Mr. Trump (who helped finance this mission). As I mentioned, he will serve as an adviser."

"Ohhhhh, boy," Amethyst whispered to Pearl. "This is going to be good."

"You see, in the case I decide to solve the conflict with Homeworld in a more or less peaceful manner, it's good to have a skilled negotiator in my corner," Peridot continued.

"Peaceful?" Trump said. "Look, you've got your heart in the right place, and we should really fix that! I mean, you've got the biggest gun in the galaxy right there, and you're talking about a peaceful solution when the other guy wants to destroy you?"

"That's exactly _my_ point!" Peridot said excitedly. "I wasn't being serious about being peaceful. Coincidentally, that's already some excellent advice you've given me. You're hired!"

"I wouldn't mind trying to find a peaceful solution," Pearl spoke up.

"I know, and I respect that. But consider this: the Diamonds are driven by the most noble of sentiments: revenge; revenge for the Pink Diamond who was shattered. Unless you can think of a way of finding the Pink Diamond's shards and somehow resurrecting her, I don't really see a peaceful solution to this conflict."

The briefing continued with all kinds of uninteresting (to anyone besides Peridot) details. Meanwhile, Steven pocketed his phone and motioned for Connie to come closer.

"What's up?" Connie asked.

"Come on, let's go to the warp pad! We gotta make a quick visit to the Temple."

"So... Your dad wants to see you?"

"Of course! We're going to fight the Homeworld, after all!"

Connie sighed.

"What's wrong?" Steven asked.

"Nothing. It's nothing, really. Let's go."

"All right," Steven said with a knowing smile.

As the haze caused by the warp pad lifted, Steven and Connie found that Greg was waiting for them as expected.

"Heya there, champ! Hi, Connie!" Greg greeted them.

"Dad!" Steven called out and ran to give his father a hug.

"Ow, don't crush your old man!" Greg pleaded. "You've grown real strong, lil' buddy." To Connie he said: "Hey Connie, my spider sense says that there are some people outside the temple that don't have, uh, full security clearance. Could you check it out while we have a father-to-son talk?"

"Sure," Connie said. Probably some beach bums had wandered too close to the Temple. If that was the case, Connie's .45 Colt pistol could convince them to relocate their hides, lest they become ventilated.

"All right, the doctor is in! But he's really busy at the moment, so whoever you are, you need to..." Connie spoke as she stepped into the sunlight, but stopped as she saw that the two persons hanging around the Temple weren't beach bums.

"Connie? Connie!" Priyanka shouted and ran towards her daughter, while Doug staggered onward, managing to keep his balance. Soon, they were all caught in a family hug.

"Mom? Dad?! What are you doing here? I thought I told you to stay away from the Temple!" Connie protested, not really protesting in her heart.

"Do you really think we could not see our daughter one last time before she goes into war?" Priyanka said.

"Is there any way... Is there any way we can convince you to stay?" Doug asked.

"But I specifically told you not to! And no, dad, I really have to do this!"

Priyanka, kneeling down, stroked Connie's hair. "Listen, Connie... I've realized that we, the women in the Maheswaran family line often do exactly the opposite we're told to, especially during hard times."

"Really?"

"Yes, really," Priyanka said. "My mother told me not to go to the army, so I did exactly that. My commanding officer told me to save some ground targets for the rest of the pilots in my squad, so I spent all my ordnance and 30mm depleted uranium bullets on..."

"Wait, wait, wait..." Connie interrupted. "Depleted uranium? Ground targets? Mom, I thought you were a combat medic or something! There's only one plane that uses depleted uranium rounds on ground targets. Are you saying that you were an A-10 pilot?!"

"Oh, Connie. I'm sorry I didn't take the time to tell you," Priyanka said, sighing. "Anyway, we Maheswarans can be a stubborn bunch sometimes. I'm glad _you_ turned to be an exception." There was a noticeable smirk on Priyankas face, and Connie sure noticed it.

"Oh, ha, ha, ha, very funny. I ate candy and watched shows and movies when you thought otherwise," Connie said.

"I know. A mother knows these things. For example, I know that you watched 'Band of Brothers' behind my back."

"You couldn't have known!"

"But I did."

"Did NOT!"

"Did TOO!"

"Ladies, ladies, let's not waste time deb- uh, debating," Doug suggested. "Where's that boyfr... um, friend of yours? I'd like to have a word or two with that young man."

"Me too," Priyanka said.

"I'll go get him," Connie said. "Oh, and you should be really, really careful if you decide to call him my boyfriend," she added. "You might get _more_ than you asked for!"

-o-

"So, I guess what I'm saying is that a lot of these gems are going to see things your way," Greg spoke to Steven. "What I mean is, that, um, well, when a man meets someone that... well, someone that resembles a woman and, well, functions like a woman, uh..."

"Dad, you don't have to do this now," Steven sad.

"But I do. You see, your mother and I, uh, the thing is... Although I wouldn't do anything differently, given the chance, after we decided to... Look, what I'm trying to say is that gems and humans aren't 100% compatible, you know what I mean? But they're apparently compatible enough to... Well, in order to give form to you, your mother had to..."

"I get it," Steven assured. "She had to give up her form, probably more. She's gone, but here I am."

Greg nodded. "Yes, and I'm glad that you're here. And, there will be a time when you, given the choice - and I'm sure you'll have plenty of choice, uh..."

"Dad, stop, stop! I get it, I get it. You don't have to explain _everything_ to me."

Steven was interrupted by the sound of the Temple door opening as Connie stepped in. "Hi, am I interrupting anything?" Connie asked.

"No, we were just about done," Steven said. "What's up?"

"My mom and dad came here to meet me," Connie explained. "And they asked to see you. Come on!"

"Dad, we'll have to continue this some other time," Steven said. _A much later time, I hope._ "Don't worry. I won't start anything that I'm unwilling to finish by myself!"

 _That boy understands a lot more about the world than I did when I was his age,_ Greg thought. Part of him was terrified, but a small part of him was proud.

Steven halted his steps as he saw Doug and Priyanka Maheswaran, so Connie had to drag him by his hand. _Awww, crap!_

"Well, here he is," Connie stated.

"Good," Doug said, having sobered up noticeably. "Listen, Steven, uhhh... You bring my Connie back safe, all right?"

"Yes, sir!" Steven assured.

Priyanka looked at her husband, realizing that Doug had understood that there was no way of convincing either Connie or Steven of staying on Earth. "Steven, I... I don't know what else to say besides what Doug just said: please keep my Connie safe and... Steven? What's wrong?"

Steven couldn't look Priyanka in the eyes. He was also displaying an unusual shade of red on the skin of his face.

"Nothing! Nothing at all!" Steven lied.

"Have I offended you in any way?" Priyanka asked.

"No, he hasn't," Connie said. "It's just that he saw nude pictures of you, mom! And it's my fault. I hacked your Facebook account, or rather, I used social engineering. Before you start complaining, remember that it was my fault!"

There was a spontaneous moment of silence. Priyanka stood up, trying to catch her breath, eyes wide. Eventually, she spoke: "No. It's my fault. I... I should have been more careful. If a child can hack my internet accounts, then perhaps I shouldn't have uploaded those pictures (actually, they were video thumbnails) on the internet. It's my fault."

Connie was at a loss for words. That was not the reaction she had expected from her mother.

"Steven, if what Connie just told was true (and I think it was), then I'm sorry if I have made you feel uncomfortable," Priyanka continued. "I have always preached about responsibility, and now I have to bear the responsibility of my own actions."

"Actually, it's my fault," Doug said. "If it wasn't for _me,_ I'm sure Priyanka would have never undressed herself and..."

"Too much information!" Connie and Priyanka shouted in unison. But after a moment they looked at each other and burst into laughter which continued for a good while.

"See? Ladies," Doug whispered to Steven. "They are pretty awesome. You'll want to protect those smiles and laughter."

"Not arguing that," Steven whispered back.

After exchanging temporary goodbyes, Steven and Connie started heading back towards the warp gate, while Doug and Priyanka left for home.

-o-

A flashing light on the main command console of the _HMP_ (short for _Her Majesty Peridot_ ) _Pumpkin_ caught Peridot's attention. In fact, it alarmed her greatly, almost to the point of panic.

"Eep! What is that? Are our shields down? Is the hull integrity compromised?! We're doomed!"

"Calm down," Pearl said. "It's just the alarm for the coffee machine, nothing else. I've told you that three times already."

"Poor Peridot," Steven whispered to Connie. "She's not handling this well."

"Yeah," Connie agreed. "We haven't even taken off, and she's already freaking out. I wish there was something we could do to help her, but I'm not sure what."

"What are you two whispering about?" Amethyst asked. She had just emerged from the ship's kitchen, where the aspiring chef ruby was already making a mess.

Steven and Connie shared their concerns with Amethyst.

"Don't worry. I'm going to have a little warrior spirit building talk with our Peri."

Amethyst approached Peridot in a non threatening manner, careful to stay within her line of sight. "Yo, Peri, there's something in the kitchen I could use a hand with! Why don't you let the guys um, familiarize themselves with the ship controls?"

"What? Is it important?"

"You bet your green behind it is," Amethyst boasted. "I wouldn't ask you if you weren't our captain."

Peridot looked around to see if anyone was making faces at her. Nope. She hadn't completely embarrassed herself yet. "All right, just give me a minute. I'll stop by my personal quarters first. Connie, can you take over?"

"Yes, ma'am!"

As Amethyst left for the kitchen, Connie looked around to see if anyone (especially a certain tanned man) would have any protests. Nope. The tanned man, Donald Trump, was on the phone, apparently having an excited conversation:

"Yeah, you can call off the Falcons... No, it's not a threat... Look, an alien ship _arriving_ on Earth is news, but this is going to be the exact opposite, capiche? ... Yes, I will be back shortly... A week, maybe... What? ... For chrissakes, figure it out, let my former chauffeur speak if... No, no, don't interrupt me..." And so on until the call was finished.

Connie sat in the commander's chair. "All right, let's see if I have this right. In order to safely make an interplanetary jump, we'll need to travel to a spot where the gravity of Earth and the Moon neutralize each other..."

-o-

Meanwhile in space, two asteroids, _Kasai_ and _Hime_ collided. "I'm terribly sorry," Kasai said. "I should have been more careful."

"It's OK," Hime assured. "No need to apologize. I should have kept my eyes open myself."

-o-

The new ruby, Amethyst's little helper, had been tasked with preparing the burrito wrappings. That part of the recipe was simple enough: mix three types of flour, salt and baking powder with cold water plus oil, cut the dough in 10 parts, flatten each with a rolling pin and fry the casings 1 minute per side.

"Oh! I found the baking powder!" the ruby exclaimed. "But this container is so difficult to open. Hnnngh... OH NO!"

As the ruby applied force to the small but uncooperative container hatch, it opened suddenly and spilled some of its contents on her sleeve.

Just then, Amethyst stepped in the kitchen. Seeing the confused ruby, she asked: "What's the trouble?"

Ruby decided to state the obvious: "Well, all this white stuff on my sleeve is baking powder."

Amethyst stepped closer and took the ruby gently by the hand and started gently licking the baking powder off.

It was then when the kitchen door slid open once more to reveal Peridot standing there, even more confused as Amethyst or ruby had been. As she witnessed the scene of ruby sprinkling more baking powder on her arm with Amethyst licking it, Peridot felt sad. She understood that behind closed doors of her own space ship, amethysts and rubies were getting their kicks in ways that she would never truly understand herself. Feeling that a small part of her life was ruined (it wasn't), Peridot turned around without saying a word and headed back to the main bridge.

-o-

 **Author's Notes:** Rushed chapter! I'll fix spelling and grammatical errors later, from previous chapters too!

Never fear bantz! Always try to look at things and people beyond the surface. It's the only way to true understanding. Inside every Hulk, there's a Dr. Bruce Banner, and vice versa.

Thanks and apologies to Hunter S. Thompson

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, everyone!


End file.
